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Selfish Partner

(22 Posts)
Leobynature Tue 12-Jun-18 23:07:51

Advice required ladies.

My disclaimer: I love my partner, he works hard and is genuinely a nice person.

But... he is the most unromantic and selfish person ever and I am growing more tired of it.

This is what I get annoyed by:
1. My DP of 16 years is so unromantic. He rarely buys me flowers or takes me out. He forgets our anniversary. He does not buy me gifts on special occasions. Only when I request it will he take me out or buy me something. Unless I initiate or arrange for us to do something as a couple we will not do anything. I can’t remember the last time he took me out for a meal or did something nice for me on his own initiative. When I complain to him about this he mumbles an apology, makes promises then does not deliver.

2. He works a late shift. During the week, after work he will sometimes go to his mates house. On the weekend he will be out for most of the day and comes back very late. We have a 5 month old daughter. When I ask him to spend the day with us, he will complain about doing so. He will occasionally spend the day with us but then he will later disappear for a ‘few hours’ as ‘he needs his own time’I usually spend the weekend at my moms house or I occasionally see friends.

It is really starting to grate on me because I know he won’t change. I also feel annoyed when he does agree to stay in under duress as I know he really wants to be away from us doing his own thing.

He has always been like this but it is bothering me more now I have a child.

AIBU to expect him to be more romantic and to spend the weekends with us as a family?

Or should I call it a day?

Aprilshouldhavebeenmyname Tue 12-Jun-18 23:10:05

When exactly is he nice??

Leobynature Tue 12-Jun-18 23:21:48

Lol. Yep it doesn’t read very well. He does most of the housework. He is hands on with baby when home. He is affectionate. He will go out of his way for our friends and family. When we do spend time together we have a laugh. He listens to me.

Northernparent68 Wed 13-Jun-18 07:02:33

I think these are separate issues.

You presumably knew he was n’t romantic when you had a child with him. You can’t expect him to change now. Do you buy him gifts or take him out.

I do n’t see why he can’t see a mate after work, particularly as it’s only sometimes.

I do agree he should spend the weekend with you and in your position I’d concentrate on that issue.

adaline Wed 13-Jun-18 07:42:03

If he's never been romantic, you can't really expect him to change now. Some people just don't show their affection that way. Do you take him out for meals or buy him gifts?

I agree he should be spending time with you at weekends but as you can see, forcing him to do so only causes resentment.

Can you get someone to look after the baby for a few hours and have some couple time? Having a baby is really stressful and hard on a relationship. One-to-one time is important and gives you a chance to talk about things properly.

ShatnersWig Wed 13-Jun-18 07:45:17

If he's never been romantic, you can't really expect him to change now. Some people just don't show their affection that way. Do you take him out for meals or buy him gifts?

This.

Oh, and we're not all ladies.

AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 13-Jun-18 07:51:11

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

Is he the sort who always puts family and friends first, he cannot do enough for them?.

When is he ever nice to you and when does he do the housework?. He seems to be hardly ever home so when does he see his DD?.

When someone shows you who they are it will do you well to listen. So why haven't you read the writing on the wall here re him?. This is who he is, he wants to carry on as he always has done with you still carrying the can.

Would you want this sort of relationship for your DD; no you would probably reply. So why is it seemingly good enough for you?. Why is your relationship bar so very low here, why did you hand over your power to him so very freely?. He is doing the barest of bare minimums with regards to you and your DD as it is.

I take it as read you are not married to him so that also puts you in a vulnerable position as well.

Theusual Wed 13-Jun-18 07:54:47

You say he’s hands on with the baby but it doesn’t sound as if he is there much if he works shifts, goes off with friends and doesn’t spend time with you on weekends.

midnightmisssuki Wed 13-Jun-18 07:57:44

If he was like this before - then surely you can’t expect any different now?

You say he is hands on with the baby - but you also say he spends time with you all under duress, which is it?

Tell him how you feel, perhaps as you say he listens to you, he might do it now and try to change? I can see him playing the ‘but you knew what I was like before’ card though..... good luck op.

Leobynature Wed 13-Jun-18 10:08:58

I think I may need to accept that he is not the romantic sort and I do t shower him with gifts or meals out either so perhaps that is something I need to think about.
I may need to arrange something romantic for us to do again.

He starts work late so we have mornings together. He will get up with DD. Make breakfast. Do some housework and he often takes her to see his parents as they are retired. I guess we spend mornings together in the weekdays as I’m off work on maternity.

I works 2-10, so do most of his mates so they will spend a couple of hours together after work. Actually I don’t mind this. I’m usually still awake when he gets in so we sometimes catch up here.

On reflection my main problem is the weekends as he will disappear and I hate forcing him to stay with us. I guess I may need to focus my efforts here.

ravenmum Wed 13-Jun-18 10:28:35

Where does he go at the weekend? Do you get to go anywhere? Can he take his daughter with him? Can you all go together?

Leobynature Wed 13-Jun-18 12:55:43

Sometimes he visits friends or he goes to the pub. His friends aren’t my cup of tea. Sometimes he will visit his family which I could go with him I guess.

He could take DD with him to his moms house.

It would be nice if we just got to spend time as a family. I really need to try and make that happen.

ravenmum Wed 13-Jun-18 15:07:45

Maybe go to the park/zoo/café together? Or if staying in, tempt him with a film he likes or a nice meal?

This on top of the obvious, pointing out that it's not just your daughter... a message which you might rub in a bit by telling him that you are going out, and leaving him there with his child, same as he does with you.

ravenmum Wed 13-Jun-18 15:08:42

(I would definitely say "because I need my own time" as I went out the door!)

spanishwife Wed 13-Jun-18 15:12:13

You said yourself - he won't change. People don't really change and it's almost impossible to force it unless he wants to. First step would be to let him know what's bothering you and see if he WANTS to change based on how it's making you feel. The second thing you can do is subtly influence behaviour in small increments. You have also you said that you don't shower him with gifts etc - why not start to be a bit romantic yourself and reflect the behaviour you want to see in him. It may rub off. I personally think a lot of men don't like 'just doing nothing', so by asking him to 'spend time with you' he doesn't look forward to it. Can you structure this better, e.g. plan to do something for a set amount of time and get him to come along to that? He can then do his own thing for the remainder of the day.

spanishwife Wed 13-Jun-18 15:14:00

Schedule date nights together, e.g. the first Friday of each month?

Not everyone is super romantic, but it sounds like overall you have a nice relationship and he does housework etc, so not all bad! Focus on the positives.

kikashi Wed 13-Jun-18 15:34:48

Not everyone shoes love in the same way. Some people think this is helpful:
www.5lovelanguages.com/

You have identified the weekends as an issue - so negotiate - what would you like? Saturday morning as family time(park, cafe etc), he can spend time with friends in afternoon but has a film night in with you in the evening? something like that. If he won't go for a compromise then you know where you stand in relation to the value he puts on spending time with you vs his friends.

Does he do things to make your life easier? or is he hail fellow well met to his friends and family only?

Cambionome Wed 13-Jun-18 16:47:28

Look - this man has a family. A 5 month old daughter who he has a responsibility to look after, support and bring up. Refusing to spend time with her and the op at weekends so that he can go out and live the life of a single man does not make him a nice person! angry

It also doesn't sound like a nice relationship, bearing in mind that he will only spend time with the op and his dd "under duress".

Why the actual fuck do people on here have such low standards of behaviour! confused

adaline Wed 13-Jun-18 16:57:15

I would be getting up on a weekend, getting ready and going out, leaving him with DD. If he complains or kicks up a fuss, remind him that he goes off with his friends and leaves you alone with her on a regular basis, so it's your turn for some time out.

It fucks me off when parents just opt out of parenting/family time. Going to soft play might not be the most scintillating way to spend your Saturday, but it's about doing something as a family/with your child. Of course he's entitled to see his friends/do hobbies occasionally but not at the constant expense of family time with his partner and child!

spanishwife Wed 13-Jun-18 17:06:49

Why the actual fuck do people on here have such low standards of behaviour! confused

Why do people on here always assume that the OP is a shining example of a wife themselves...

Leobynature Thu 14-Jun-18 14:53:14

Wow. You guys are tough.

I’m not want to settle for a crap relationship. My man is not perfect by a long shot but his not all bad either. I’m also not perfect.

I think I am going to really sit down with him and come to a compromise about family time/vs time by himself.

notagain2018 Thu 14-Jun-18 18:08:08

Hi OP, do you go out with friends and get time to yourself? Maybe you need to start doing that a bit more and maybe he will appreciate how hard it is looking after your DD.
He wants his cake and eat it. The family life but acting single when he fancies it. We all need time away and fun with friends but it has to be equal for both of you.

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