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I fucked up.

(49 Posts)
MsMarvel Tue 12-Jun-18 16:58:11

Been with dp for 6 years. I think i still love him. Or maybe i just love the security of our relationship. I just dont know any more.

I met a guy through work, doesnt work in the same region as me but sometimes is in the area. Met him twice during work, got on well with him and was in touch with him most days. Just friendly chat. Then he was in the area again at the weekend and we met up for drinks. We both ended up pretty drunk and kissed. Stopped almost straight away, and left, but it happened.

Dp knows about this and has kicked me out. Which i deserve. I just dont know what to do for the best. I feel like ive really fallen for this guy, which is ridiculous bevause ive only met him 3 times. Even the thought of throwing away a 6 year relationship for something that would never work, is crazy.

But the fact is ive fallen fpr someone else while in a relationship. Thats not a good sign is it? Ive hurt dp so much and i hate myself for that. I dont even know if we could work things out from this point. I dont know if dp can forgive me, which o can understand.

But then at the back of my mind i would he gutted to cut contact with this other guy.

I know ive completely fucked up. I just dont know what to do from this point for the best. I dont even know what i want any more. Im so scared in case i do the wrong thing.

overnightangel Tue 12-Jun-18 17:00:09

Finish for good with your ‘D’ P before you bury him anymore with your selfishness

Luckyme2 Tue 12-Jun-18 17:03:15

It sounds to me as if your relationship is over OP regardless of whether you ever see the other bloke again. You sound more concerned as to what will happen with the other guy than making amends with your DP.

overnightangel Tue 12-Jun-18 17:04:25

*hurt not bury

coffeecow Tue 12-Jun-18 17:05:35

Are you still in contact with the work guy?

SoddingUnicorns Tue 12-Jun-18 17:07:38

Your relationship is over. The fact that you barely consider him (apart from needing your own guilt assuaged) speaks volumes. Let him go, he deserves to be able to move on.

The other guy? I don’t know, can a relationship that starts through cheating ever work?

Singlenotsingle Tue 12-Jun-18 17:10:32

Just calm down and wait and see what happens. Have you got DC?
Is dp entitled to chuck you out? You only had a drunken kiss, it's not the end of the world. But if neither of you want to continue with your 6 year relationship, you might as well find yourself somewhere else to live. You don't sound heartbroken.

The other guy is a separate matter. Is he as enthralled with you as you are with him? Is he married? Dp? DC?

You need to take a bit of time and wait for the dust to settle.

donajimena Tue 12-Jun-18 17:12:18

You made a huge mistake well before the kiss! I have old male friends who I chat with and new male friends through uni who I may have group coffee with. Or text once to discuss results.
'Just friendly chat' and a drinks meeting is not on. However would you have done that if you'd been happy. Be dignified and let your ex partner go.

TheGreatestHo Tue 12-Jun-18 18:14:16

Before you stabbed your DP in the back, you could have approached the fact you were unsure if you were still in love. After 6 years, and you do something as flippant as that?

MsMarvel Tue 12-Jun-18 22:52:44

Yes im still in touch with the work guy. No kids, but we live together. Other guy is not in a relationship.

I know its such a feeble thing to say but i never meant to hurt anyone. And now i just want to find a solution to mininise the hurt.

How do i say to someone thats hurting, but wants to work on our relationship, that its over?

ferando81 Tue 12-Jun-18 23:04:51

Maybe you do love your partner .You did stop kissing your work colleague.You have to be honest with yourself -only u know the answer

Mumontherocks1 Tue 12-Jun-18 23:19:14

You say it soon and make it very clear that you don't want to be with him. It's not easy hurting someone you care for. I've been in your shoes and wished he was dumping me because I really didn't want to hurt him.

Don't beat yourself up over the snogging. You were honest and told him. Life will go on for you. Best of luck.

MsMarvel Wed 13-Jun-18 06:48:32

Mumontherocks, yes i wish he hated me for what I've done, and ended it with me. But instead he's been so fair about it all, and wants to try and move past things.

The last few days hes been making such an effort, and being so nice to me which i dont deserve. Ive been totally honest with him, told him that i have feelings for this guy, but that he isnt the issue. The issue is the fact that i feel something for another guy.

I dont want to stop contact with the other guy, which i think sums up what i need to do. Also been in touch with the other guy about it all (was worried that dp would get in touch with him) and hes being lovely to me too. Says he feels really bad cos hes been cheated on before and had said he would never be that guy.

I wish they would both just hate me. I dont deserve any niceness.

Im currently staying at a friends, dp needed some space to think. I need to tell hik that its over and its going to break his heart, and mine.

MsMarvel Wed 13-Jun-18 06:49:59

I wasnt honest about the kissing... Dp wasnt happy that i had met this guy for drinks, then a few days later asked if anything happened, directly asked me if we had kissed. So although when asked i admitted it, i had avoided it until that point.

FuckPants Wed 13-Jun-18 07:03:40

Leave your DP, he deserves better.

Once the dust has cleared (not that that stopped you) you can then decide whether to make a go of it with work bloke.

SoapOnARoap Wed 13-Jun-18 07:08:10

You cannot have been happy to have cheated, it’s as simple as that.

It’s clear from your words & actions that you & DP are done. Just be honest with him

Fivelittleduckies Wed 13-Jun-18 07:16:44

The OP is obviously aware she has done the wrong thing - what is with all the snide remarks highlighting it? I’m sure she’s not a horrible person - Surely you can be helpful without being so judgemental and harsh?

For what it’s worth I would really focus on you DP for now and give him the space and/or answers he needs. If indeed there is something more serious with the new person down the track for you then surely you’d have the best opportunity at a healthy start if it’s more separated away from your current relationship ?

ShatnersWig Wed 13-Jun-18 07:44:27

The OP is obviously aware she has done the wrong thing - what is with all the snide remarks highlighting it? I’m sure she’s not a horrible person - Surely you can be helpful without being so judgemental and harsh?

Sometimes people need bluntness to wake them up to their situation or point out what they are blatantly ignoring. If you think this is harsh and judgemental, bear in mind if a man had posted this, he'd have been torn a new arsehole in comparison.

Fivelittleduckies Wed 13-Jun-18 07:49:49

That’s quite an assumption you’ve made, I wouldn’t respond any differently were it a man or a woman owning up to a mistake they’d made and asking advice. Perhaps that’s just me.

something2say Wed 13-Jun-18 07:56:24

How this reads to me???

You are very keen to be honest now.
That's good, as you are clearly looking to find honest answers xxx

But which man?
Both being lovely to you.

The indecision strokes me most i think.
Therefore I advise you to take some time out, some real time, and think it through.

If you're no longer in love, is it something you want to keep anyway, or would you like to cut and run and start again?
Look at this deeply.
I've left men for these reasons and don't regret it at all.
It's important to know what is important to you and to then at least try and get it.

X but please stop beating yourself up.

ShatnersWig Wed 13-Jun-18 07:56:28

@Fivelittleduckies I've been here over 7 years. Of course some of us give the same responses no matter what the gender but if you had a search at similar threads but posted by a man, you'd see that there would be plenty of harsher responses than seen on this thread.

LizzieSiddal Wed 13-Jun-18 08:05:17

Look you’ve been in “daily contact” with another man. You’ve met him for drinks and kissed him.

You would not do that if you loved your partner. Leave him so he can find someone who does love him.

MsMarvel Wed 13-Jun-18 10:04:41

The reason i hate myself is that ive done this before. Was with my ex for 4 years, relationship was coming to a natural conclusion but i didn't have the guts to end it. I fell for his friend, it all went completely tits up and everyone was left unhappy.

And now ive done the same thing again. Ive hurt him so much, theres no coming back from this now. As much as the relationship might be over , i didnt need to put him through this, i deserve to feel shit about this and be told that.

ShatnersWig Wed 13-Jun-18 10:39:27

Wow. That's a pretty big drip feed.

You need to examine your behaviour pretty fucking seriously, possibly in counselling, as to why you do this.

In this instance I think a previous posters advice not to beat yourself up for this recent mistake can get thrown out of the window. There's clearly a cycle going on here and you need to sort yourself out rather than go through life hurting other people for your own issues.

dirtybadger Wed 13-Jun-18 11:46:14

It sounds like you sabotaged your relationship on purpose. Consciously or not. And even now youre being selfish hoping for your DP to have to do the dumping. Be honest with him and end it. Theres no right or wrong way to do it, just let him know that the relationship is over.

Given that you dont even know this other guy, it sounds like any relatively attractive bloke could have been the one to turn your head in the circumstances. So I would forget about him. Go NC and be alone for 6-12 months before jumping into anything else.

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