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I don't want to be a SAHM but I am being forced to

(87 Posts)
MilkyCoffeeAndSkinnySyrup Tue 12-Jun-18 16:08:36

So at the moment everything is working out fine. I work, my DH works and our shift pattern works so that we both can look after our DS. He has now been accepted for a new job, which means that he has to change his days and it means that I have to change mine because he's the main earner! He will be earning far more money than I will.

The problem is, my contract states that I have to work every alternate weekends and because my DH also has to work every weekends in his new job, I am basically buggered! He said if work can not adjust it then I don't have any option but to stay at home then. I really don't want to be a SAHM! I love my DS to bits but I'd rather work and just be a "normal" working mum and I really enjoy going to work and interacting with my colleagues! It's the only adult conversation I get all week.

Do you think he is being selfish for putting me in this position?! I am worried about what work will say because I know that they will not allow me to have weekends off, and childcare is extortionate as well so having to fork out for that while I work, there will be no point! My DS is only 1 so not entitled to the free government funding yet.

I don't know why I feel really worried... I sound like a selfish person for not wanting to stay at home with my DS but as I explained, I really enjoy going to work. It gets me out of the house and enables me to earn money too as I like to earn my own money!

Rocinante1 Tue 12-Jun-18 16:12:04

He isn’t really being unreasonable. If he’s the one bringing in the most money, then it would be silly for him to give up the job/promotion to allow you to work and earn less money.

Someone needs to being home the money, and someone needs to look after the kids. In your situation, he’s earning the most so you need to look after the kids.

If you really can’t bare it, then could you look for another position? Or can he turn down the promotion? It seems such a silly thing to do though, but if your finances allow for him to turn it down then it’s an option.

Cricrichan Tue 12-Jun-18 16:17:18

Yanbu - did he consult you before he decided to change your life??

OliviaBenson Tue 12-Jun-18 16:17:53

I think he's very selfish putting you in this position. He could not take the job instead. I'd not be happy giving up my financial independence and career for him when he's showing you such little respect. Where's the teamwork?

NerdyBird Tue 12-Jun-18 16:21:05

He should have consulted with you. Also, you could argue that as he is the one changing, he should pay for any extra childcare.

hellsbellsmelons Tue 12-Jun-18 16:22:09

Well he can't accept the new job if you want to still work.
It's a partnership, not a dictatorship.
Could you get a job that does not involve weekend shifts?

Footballmumofthefuture Tue 12-Jun-18 16:26:45

He doesn't get to just decide you will quit your career. It doesn't work like that. It's very selfish. Tell him unless you can sort childcare between you, you are not willing to give up your independence. Good money doesn't create happiness.


category12 Tue 12-Jun-18 16:28:20

You don't sound selfish at all. He's got no right to railroad you into dependence and into potentially significantly damaging your long term earning power.

timeisnotaline Tue 12-Jun-18 16:31:32

It’s not an unreasonable decision to arrrive at as a family but it doesn’t sound like this is what happened. He’s earning more money - will this cover some childcare? If you can get by then it makes sense to pay the childcare for a few years. Is he understanding of how you feel? Are there other jobs out there you could take which don’t involve weekends?

blackteasplease Tue 12-Jun-18 16:42:24

This isn't how it works at all!

If he can't fit the new job around yours then he doesn't get to take it! Or else he pays for childcare in a way that doesn't affect your own finances.

SingleDingle Tue 12-Jun-18 16:43:30

YANBU at all. Our jobs are big parts of ours lives, for some of us. I don’t particularly love my job, but as a single mum, I very much enjoy my colleagues company.

Was this not foreseen when he applied for the job?

cakecakecheese Tue 12-Jun-18 16:43:45

Er he just changed jobs without telling you it would mean possibly having to give up yours?? Does he often do stuff like that?

Sistersofmercy101 Tue 12-Jun-18 16:45:38

Your husband has taken a course of action in the full knowledge that it forces you out of your employment. .. that's financial abuse.
YADNBU ... you are not being unreasonable in the slightest - but HE absolutely is!

Bowlofbabelfish Tue 12-Jun-18 16:47:25

Yanbu. At all. Decisions like these should be taken as a family unit and not unilaterally.

Tell him you won’t be giving up your career and how does he plan on covering the childcare?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy Tue 12-Jun-18 16:48:34

What is his main reason for changing jobs?

(I"m assuming more money/career progression).

Has he formally accepted the position? Did they explain the hours/shifts beforehand? (You would assume so).

If he has blindly accepted before discussing with you, yes, he is being unreasonable. You're supposed to be a team.

But on the other hand, if him taking the job puts you in a better position financially AS A FAMILY, he is perhaps not being unreasonable. Could you quit and find another role that doesn't conflict with his hours so that you're not a SAHM, but he can also take the job if he wants it?

Am sure there must be some middle ground here.

Sistersofmercy101 Tue 12-Jun-18 16:48:58

I hope you're able to find a childminder and childcare expenses should ABSOLUTELY be HIS responsibility! He has acted outrageously. This is absolutely not on. angry

Gazelda Tue 12-Jun-18 16:51:19

Did you talk about this together before he applied for the new role? Or did you know about it but not realise that it'd mean a change in his working pattern?

Missingstreetlife Tue 12-Jun-18 16:54:51

He's going to work every weekend? When will he see his dc?

msmsms Tue 12-Jun-18 17:02:16

YANBU - if he decided this unilaterally... unless he has an appropriate alternate weekend childcare plan up his sleeve?

Sounds like you really (& very reasonably) want to continue working.

I would be furious if anyone tried to pull this with me...

Jaxhog Tue 12-Jun-18 17:07:12

He really should have discussed the prospect of his new job with you before accepting it. But, you are where you are.

Can you get another job? If not, then consider doing some charity work that you can work around your schedules. At least you'll be out of the house with other people and doing something worthwhile.

SchnitzelVonKrumm Tue 12-Jun-18 17:08:29

Outrageously selfish. He has decided his career is more important than yours. Becoming a SAHM will have a permanent impact on your future earning power and security even if you eventually go back to work (not to mention that you might find it fulfilling and something that gives you independence, an identity, a social life etc). If he wants the job he has to organise and pay for childcare at least in proportion to his earnings.

TacoLover Tue 12-Jun-18 17:11:25

It's wrong but I wouldn't necessarily say selfish. He's taking the job to earn more money...presumably for you and DS no? He probably thinks that he's doing a good think by providing his family with more money. Again I think this is wrong. But that might be his reasoning.

AuntieStella Tue 12-Jun-18 17:14:00

If he will be earning more, then the household finances presumably go up. In which case, the extra childcare can be afforded.

It seems perverse to me to pass up promotion (unless you are either/both a) very rich already and totally happy to remain at the same level b) planning to shift to a completely different kind of work soon) or to resign from a job you like because of a temporary increase in childcare costs.

It's always irksome when bills rise, so payrises which increase family income don't actually lead to more disposable cash for fun. But the expensive childcare years will pass, and then life could well be quite different.

prettywhiteguitar Tue 12-Jun-18 17:14:23

He needs to find childcare for when he’s not there, why would you need to find the childcare? He’s the one changing his hours

Luckyme2 Tue 12-Jun-18 17:15:37

YANBU! On a practical level though could you look for a different job where you don't have to work weekends or is that a condition of the industry you're in? Still shocking though that he's made such a life changing decision without discussing the implications with you!

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