Wife yelling at me regularly

[LayOfTheLand]

I am really bothered by this problem I am having with my wife. Recently, I have noticed that she yells at me a lot. It's generally around household management. I work from home, and therefore I do most of the housework. I don't think I'm perfect, but I also don't think that yelling is the solution. If I try to explain why shouting isn't good, she will resort to why what I did was so bad. It ranges from leaving a mess to buying the wrong ingredients at the supermarket.

I don't like shouting matches (I grew up in a shouty house), and it upsets for quite a while. I don't mind improving the way I do things around the house, but the regularity of it to the level of threat (divorce is threatened, off the cuff, a lot). Last night, I was writing a work email a bit later than I expected, and she screamed "if you don't come to bed now, I'll divorce you".

Does anyone have any advice? I'm considering suggesting couple counselling.

[hellsbellsmelons]

Do you have DC?
If not then get out now!
This will not improve.
She sounds horrible.
It's really not worth it.
Life is way too short for this kind of crap!

[hellsbellsmelons]

Oh and as she sounds verbally abusive - that's abuse and joint counselling is NEVER recommended in this situation!
Counselling for yourself might be good though.
Understand why you put up with this shit on a daily basis!?

[LayOfTheLand]

We don't have DC. I love her, and I know I'm not perfect (fairly middle of the road, average bloke). Tidy on some things, but less so on others. I fear the double standards. If I'm a few minutes late, I'm shouted at. If she is a few minutes late, it's just something needed to be done.

[Hissy]

if you don't come to bed now, I'll divorce you

Divorce her.

Take people up on their ultimatums, every fucking time.

[LayOfTheLand]

Thanks. It's not daily, but probably on average, several times a week. It wears me down. We had another argument this morning, and it's deflated me all day.

[Hissy]

you love this life? you love how she makes you feel?

how exactly do you think your body copes with stress like this? it internalises it and then starts to attack itself.

Get her out of your life. she is abusive

can you imagine how she'd be with any kids you had?

[LondonHuffyPuffy]

My Brother put up with this sort of abuse from his ex-wife for 20+ years. It massively eroded his confidence and sense of self-worth. I agree with what hellsbells said.

No person should have to live with that level of abuse from their partner.

Get the funk out of there.

[LondonHuffyPuffy]

Actually... that should have read "no one should have to live with abuse from their partner full stop"

[LayOfTheLand]

I don't want to divorce her. I love her. I think she doesn't realise how hurtful it is, and how inappropriate it is. She wouldn't do it to a colleague or a close family member, but to me, she does it all the time.

We were with her family this weekend, and she told me her father, who is great, told her how lucky she was to have me, as I'm helpful and friendly and easy going. I felt it was a lovely thing to say, and I respect him and his opinions. It's then so painful to come home, and get shouted at within a minute of getting in the door.

[ferrier]

Hopefully she is not so short on intelligence that she thinks shouting is the answer.
May be suggest anger management counselling for her. This is no way to live your life.

[LayOfTheLand]

I don't love how life is at the moment, but if she could change this part of her character (and if I could improve the things I do around the house), I think things would be a lot better.

I fear no matter how perfect I am around the house, it wouldn't be perfect as she has very exacting circumstances.

[chickenpox100]

I think you need to sit down assertively and say 'It's clear this isn't working for you and I want to hear about that more. It's not working for me either and I want you to listen to why.'

And then talk. It sounds like you're trying to avoid provoking her which is understandable, but could look to her like you're not listening and don't much care. She is clearly assertive - model the kind of assertive talking you would prefer and show that you respond well to that. If she continues to choose a different way, you will have your answer.

[SoapOnARoap]

People that chuck about ultimatums like wife does are weak & manipulative.

Call her bluff & walk. She sounds horrendous

[LayOfTheLand]

What I find strange is that this weekend, her father's comment was in response partially to my SIL and BIL who have just had a baby. In short, there are a few things they're quite particular about, which I think is fair enough. I might do things differently, but fair enough.

My wife at least thinks her brother over-reacts to certain things around the baby, but can't see in herself, that she overreacts about me buying the wrong type of pork at the supermarket.

[LayOfTheLand]

Thanks for the advice. The other thing I am finding is that I am becoming avoidant, because I fear her shouting at me (which only makes it worse). An example is recently, I was asked to go on a business trip, and I waited a few days to tell her, as I knew she would react badly. Which only made it worse when I did tell her.

[DaffoDeffo]

you can't go out with someone hoping to change them

tell her it's not acceptable and if she doesn't change, well there's your answer

[YouOKHun]

The old saying goes, ‘if you want someone else to change their behaviour, first change yours’ and I wonder OP if you bite back? You sound from your posts (and this may not be accurate) as if you’re in a state of bewildered apology - perhaps it’s time to make some counter demands and also to decide what’s acceptable to you and state it. Tell her you don’t like it and what you’d like instead and If she won’t reflect on it and meet you half way then you have some tough decisions to make.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

LayOfTheLand

What is there to love about this woman?. I call her abusive because she can and does behave around other people and treats them nicely so she can control herself here. She is plausible to those in the outside world again like many abusive people are. Like many abusive people too she is perhaps nice sometimes but this is really all a part of the nice/nasty cycle which is a continuous one. Abusive people as well do not walk around with abuser written on their forehead.

Women can be abusive as well. She has a problem with anger, YOUR anger when you understandably call her out on her behaviours. Such people cannot be rescued or helped and she does not love you. Love is not just a verb, its an action too.

I think you are confusing love with codependency; men can be codependent as well and you also grew up in a shouty home (which in itself has made you more vulnerable into picking a partner just like your own parents). Look properly at what you learnt about relationships from your parents, they after all are our main reference point. Look at what they taught you.

Please make plans to leave her because she will continue to act like she does and no she does not want your help or support. Do not ever bring children into this abusive relationship either.

[Footballmumofthefuture]

I'll say the same to you as I would a woman in this sutation. Which ironically is my situation which I will be getting out of.

Ltb she is abusive and I promise it doesn't change. They promise it will and it doesn't.

[LayOfTheLand]

I need to find a way to get through to her. It feels as if when I speak with her, there is always a justification for why she needed to shout.

"The correct ingredients for a meal are important to me..."
"Folding laundry the correct way is important to me", etc, etc.

But she doesn't seem to see that shouting isn't the answer.

[luxurybiscuit]

"When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time" (Maya Angelou).

Get out now OP. You are describing my mother and trust me I wish my lovely, easygoing Dad hadn't had us with that woman. If you don't want to leave then live with the abuse, it's your choice, but please don't have kids, it isn't fair on them.

[ShatnersWig]

Abusers almost never change. You'd be a fool to stay.

[TalbotAMan]

You'll get a lot of advice here to LTB. Assuming that that's not what you want:

1 Above all, never lose your temper with her. Even if you get angry, control that anger. If you lose your temper it will be used against you, probably for years to come.

2 She's acting like a spoilt child so

• ignore her. If work is important, then work is important. It's what keeps the roof over her head. What would happen to her if you lost your job or business?
  
• call her bluff. If she threatens to divorce you for being late in bed when you are working, let her try. It's not as if you're staggering home after a night on the lash with the lads. How will she manage on her own? Will she really be better off without you?
  

3 You say you grew up in a shouty household and it upsets you when she shouts. She knows that and she is using it to get her own way. Don't allow yourself to be bullied.

4 If she doesn't like the way you do things, then she is perfectly free to do them herself to her satisfaction. If you buy the 'wrong' shopping then she can write the shopping list -- down to brand, pack size, maximum price and what to do if the shop doesn't have it.

5 If you are having a conversation then don't let her turn it to her advantage - 'yes, I know I was late, but that's not the issue here. I had a good reason. You, on the other hand, shouted at me for being late. That's the behaviour that's not acceptable'.

HTH

[CleopatrasMum]

This won't get better and your avoidant behavior over the business trip is classic "walking on eggshells" that you read about on threads about abuse. You may love her but do you love the way your life is going?

I would say get out of this relationship now before children come into the mix and everything becomes so, so much more complicated.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

What sort of home did she grow up in, what exactly do you know about her own childhood and family background here?.

What you are experiencing here from her is domestic violence.

www.mankind.org.uk/

Re your comment:-

In short, there are a few things they're quite particular about, which I think is fair enough.

You wrote this in relation to her dad. What are these things that they are particular about?. Such a comment is a red flag.