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DP and money. Can't cope anymore. IHBU?

(214 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

JojoBelles Tue 12-Jun-18 13:22:22

19 weeks pregnant, looking for baby things. Suggested I bought a sling for the baby. He said he's not going to use it so I have to buy it myself. This is a constant and he's so selfish with money. It's £15 ffs. I told him it's not for me, it's for the baby. He can and should use it. Is anyone else dealing with a DP like this? He has a dd already who he spends a fortune on but I ask if we can buy one thing for £15 out of our joint account and he says no. I have to get it myself. I feel like walking out. I'm so far down the bottom of his list of priorities and feels like our baby is too.

letsdolunch321 Tue 12-Jun-18 13:24:27

Sorry to read this, I would order it and answer any questions after it has arrived

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo Tue 12-Jun-18 13:24:56


I feel like I could spend an age telling you exactly how this ends up but it’s too late. You’re already pregnant. I’m sorry OP.

KirstenRaymonde Tue 12-Jun-18 13:25:16

Did he want the baby? How has he been about the pregnancy more generally? Do you live together? Yes he’s being a twat, how is he with money generally?

PinkHeart5914 Tue 12-Jun-18 13:30:45

Why should he use it? Not all babies like them and not all parents are comfortable using them so no there is no he should use it.

Why can’t you buy it? Is there a reason you have to buy all things together? I’ve had 3 dc and big purchases like pram, cot have been brought with my dh but if I or him saw something for £15 we’d just by it no need for a discussion or who is going to use it etc

But yes it does seem like a lot fuss over £15 but other than a frank adult discussion about money not really sure what can be done. Surely he was like this before you decided to get pregnant together?

FASH84 Tue 12-Jun-18 13:32:16

Are you financially dependent on him? If so this doesn't bode well I'm afraid

JojoBelles Tue 12-Jun-18 13:33:29

@PinkHeart5914 so I should have to buy all my maternity clothes, a breast pump, breast pads, fuel to and from appointments, save thousands for my maternity leave and pay for everything he isn't going to use? I just think it's extremely unfair.

Hereward1332 Tue 12-Jun-18 13:33:33

Why do you need his permission to spend from a joint account? It's joint money. As much yours as his.

JojoBelles Tue 12-Jun-18 13:34:00

@FASH84 no I'm entirely dependant upon myself. I don't think he's even going to help with my maternity leave.

JojoBelles Tue 12-Jun-18 13:34:45

hereward it's not permission but we do let each other know what we are buying before we do and he objected.

Petitprince Tue 12-Jun-18 13:34:48

Are you married? If not I would be very careful about becoming financially dependent on him.

SecretSantaaaaaa Tue 12-Jun-18 13:34:49

Maybe he doesn't see a sling as a neccessity? Has he stumped up for other things like a pram, cot?

Storm4star Tue 12-Jun-18 13:35:16

Playing devils advocate, maybe he spends more on his DD through guilt. Presumably she lives with her mum? However, he does sound very mean spirited if nothing else. If he's like this all the time with money then it could be considered financial abuse. How does he treat you otherwise?

JojoBelles Tue 12-Jun-18 13:35:18

@Petitprince not married and never will be. I'm financially dependant upon myself. We earn the same money.

Nicknacky Tue 12-Jun-18 13:35:22

Why didn’t you just buy it out the joint account? And it’s perfectly ok if he doesn’t want to use it, not everyone likes them.

LIZS Tue 12-Jun-18 13:35:27

So he is not really a partner is he? Dp you live together, rent or own? Are you working?

ShatnersWig Tue 12-Jun-18 13:36:01

Has he always been this way with money? If so, why did you think he'd be any different now and decide he's who you'd want to father your children?

Nicknacky Tue 12-Jun-18 13:36:03

Have you actually spoken about finances for when you are on maternity leave?

JojoBelles Tue 12-Jun-18 13:36:12

@SecretSantaaaaaa that's coming out of the joint account. Apparently I need to buy a breast pump myself too

Petitprince Tue 12-Jun-18 13:36:24

He should be contributing towards maternity leave - you are earning less so you can care for your joint child. Otherwise he would have to pay towards a nanny/childminder.

helpconfused Tue 12-Jun-18 13:36:54

Couldn't you just buy it from the joint account if there was enough in there? Why did you have to ask?
Is this not financial abuse?
It's his baby too!

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo Tue 12-Jun-18 13:37:01

I don't think he's even going to help with my maternity leave.

So what’s the point in being with him? What useful purpose does he serve in your life if he won’t support you during the maternity leave he was half responsible for making necessary?

Storm4star Tue 12-Jun-18 13:37:06

Just seen your last post, he doesn't have a right to "object" to buying a £15 baby sling!!! Whether he'll use it or not. That's not on.

StaplesCorner Tue 12-Jun-18 13:37:14

Has he stumped up for other things - the father of a new baby doesn't "stump up" for anything - this should all be coming out of the household budget.

OP assuming you live together? Is this a partnership? How on earth has it got to this stage?

Mousefunky Tue 12-Jun-18 13:37:16

He sounds financially controlling tbh. There’s being stingy with money then there’s telling someone what they can and can’t buy, he is falling into the latter.

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