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He's broken me

(32 Posts)
itsallgoneshitflavoured Tue 12-Jun-18 13:06:03

I don't really know where to start, and have a feeling this post will be long and rambling and perhaps not really achieve anything... but here goes.

In January I separated from my husband after 13 years of marriage. We have 3 young children together. The split was my decision and I feel it was the right thing to do, however, the pain it has caused both to my ex husband and myself has been enormous. I felt terribly guilty in the first few months, drank heavily, had sex with people I didn't care about and generally felt bereft and crushingly lonely.

Then I met a man who pulled me out of my despair. We met online, talked for a couple of weeks, then met for a drink. The connection I felt with him was overwhelming and we instantly fell in to a relationship.

My ex husband took the children on holiday just after I met this man, and we spent a week in each other's company at my house. We were only apart when he had to work.
I felt for the first time since the separation that there was hope for me again. I could feel happy, and I stupidly started to map out a future with this man in my head. I think it's fair to say I fell in love. He told me he felt the same.

Four weeks later I found out I was pregnant. I know how stupid I was, so please don't lecture me. You cannot possibly make me feel any worse about everything than I already do.
I told him that I was pregnant and planned to terminate it. He was supportive, and although he never said it, I could tell that he was sad to be missing out on the chance to become a father. He's 40, never married or had children, and believed that he has a low sperm count on account of the fact that despite trying for 2 years he and his ex partner never conceived.

The process from finding out I was pregnant through to completing the termination has taken three weeks. In that time I have seen him just twice. He claims to be 'confused' and seems to be pushing me away and simultaneously stringing me along.
He was messaging all the time, staying in constant contact with me, but holding me at arms length and I found the whole thing terribly confusing myself.

With my hormones raging and my head in a complete mess I said things that must have been extremely hurtful to him. I told him to block me and get out of my life forever... I don't know why. I guess it was all becoming so painful and I wanted him to reassure me that he still cared.

Last week he came over to my house and took me out for dinner. He told me that he'd slept with another woman and his ex in the time he'd been apart from me, being 'confused'. When I asked him why he'd told me this he replied that being honest was the right thing to do and that he was sorry. He believed we were over. This was news to me, I thought we were very much un-over!

Yesterday I went to hospital and had the termination. He asked if he could come with me, but I declined. I didn't want him to see me go through that, I just wanted to be alone.
Afterwards I messaged him and told him it was done and if he now wished to leave my life he could. I'm an idiot... but I wanted him to fight for me and show me that he still wanted me. I said some hurtful things to him.
Then he blocked me. I got what I asked for and it hurts so much.
How do I even begin to overcome this and deal with the horrific mess I made of everything? I can't stop crying.

lifebegins50 Tue 12-Jun-18 13:15:21

You will recover but you need to give yourself time and no man will ever be an instant fix.

I think you might need counselling, ending a long marriage and then going straight into other relationships plus the termination means you will have losses to grief over.

Often if the pain of loss is too much we look to soothe by meeting someone else.We assume the high of a new relationship will continue and make us feel better.The reality is that no one can make us need to focus on finding happiness and peace within yourself.

Have you ever really been single as an adult?

MatildaTheCat Tue 12-Jun-18 13:15:48

He’s not good for you so hard as that is, let him go. After all the turbulence you and your dc have experienced recently can you plan for a period of stable, quiet time? Be single and learn to be content with that. Get some counselling to unpick what happened and why.

You will feel rubbish now, it’s inevitable. Do you have any RL friends or relatives to lean on? You can and will feel better. Leave dating for a long time and heal.

hellsbellsmelons Tue 12-Jun-18 13:27:11

You need to work on yourself for a while.
Stop hooking up with men for sex and do NOT get into another relationship until YOU are sorted.

You've had a shit load of crap to deal with.
Get yourself some counselling.
Get busy with a hobby or the gym or even re-arranging and redecorating your house.
Sprucing up the garden. Clearing cupboards.
Anything to keep busy.

This guy slept with 2 people while still with you.
No matter what he says 'he though' that is what he did.
He's a liar and a cheat and you are better off without him.

In the meantime, if you had sex after he had slept with another 2 people then get to your local clinic for an STI check.
Also get to your GP and get some long-term form on contraception sorted out.

You are dealing with a lot of loss. So get some professional help.
Don't deny yourself that. Don't be a martyr.

MargoLovebutter Tue 12-Jun-18 13:42:19

itsallgoneshitflavoured this is going to sound harsh, but the only person that has broken you - is you.

The guy you feel in love with & got pregnant with sounds AWFUL!!!! You don't want to be with him. He cheated on you in the brief amount of time that you were together, when you thought you were falling in love with him. What an ARSEHOLE.

DO NOT have a relationship with anyone other than yourself until you sort yourself out. Go and get and get yourself checked out at your local sexual health clinic and please get some counselling booked in via your GP or privately.

You need to have a really long think about what you want, where you are headed and how you can do that yourself, without needing a man to "pull you out of despair". Other human beings shouldn't be used as lifebelts, you need to be whole and comfortable in your own skin. And please don't have anymore unprotected sex with men you barely know - whatever bloody story they tell you about low sperm counts.

itsallgoneshitflavoured Tue 12-Jun-18 13:52:01

Fortunately I've been checked for every STI and am clear. I also had an IUD firmly installed immediately after the termination yesterday.

RitaMad Tue 12-Jun-18 13:53:57

Was he on the rebound also? It sounds like a toxic arrangement. I very much doubt he really slept with anyone else. Bullet dodged.

hellsbellsmelons Tue 12-Jun-18 13:58:39

How are you feeling about the termination?
It's very early days.
Did they offer you some specialist counselling?

itsallgoneshitflavoured Tue 12-Jun-18 14:13:25

I feel relieved that the pregnancy's over above all else. I had the surgical procedure under local anaesthetic. There was no pain whatsoever and the staff were amazing.
I know having a child with someone I don't really know would be absolutely nuts, so I'm 100% sure it was the right choice to terminate. They did offer me counselling, but it would have been related only to the termination and I didn't feel I needed that resource anywhere near as much as someone else might need it.

eyycarumba Tue 12-Jun-18 14:31:28

Jesus, this is a mess. You only broke up with your exh 5/6 months ago, not long at all. This man was a rebound, and you a rebound for him. All this was relationship was was a transference of feelings from your marriage onto a new man and temporarily quenched your need for validation/emotional stability.

You need to be single for a while, and not looking for another man in this time. No online dating, no hook-ups with people you don't like.

This may be harsh, but you had been seeing this man for less than 5 months and you were playing games with him, trying to get him to chase you. It sounds very desperate and sad. He cheated on you within the short time you were together TWICE whilst you were pregnant (regardless of the fact you were terminating). He's a pig.

It sounds like you've come to terms with the termination relatively well, it was 100% the best thing to do.

itsallgoneshitflavoured Wed 13-Jun-18 13:58:47

He's contacted me to say that he's sorry for the way he's behaved and to say that he hopes we can still be friends.
I haven't replied yet... but already I feel like he's trying to suck me back in. I'm not sure I can walk away.

MargoLovebutter Wed 13-Jun-18 14:11:56

YES YOU CAN!!!!! Block him on your phone.

Seriously, you need to be your own best friend or best mother here. Imagine that you are your own daughter and think what you would say. The guy is a massive arsehole, for all the reasons that you told us & probably more.

Get away from the whole shitty mess & start afresh by focusing on yourself and how you get yourself straightened out. You don't need anyone else in your life at the moment, you just need to prioritise yourself.

LB2203 Wed 13-Jun-18 16:20:00

You can walk away and you know you need to.

He sounds like a nasty piece of work, messing with your head to keep you hanging around while he does whatever he wants.

You've had some good advice here. It's you you need to focus on.

Wellfuckmeinbothears Wed 13-Jun-18 16:24:09

Walk away please, for your own sanity. As a pp said the only person who has broken you is you. Stop the drinking, it’s a temporary fix. You need counselling.

Block him, delete him.

NeverLovedElvis Wed 13-Jun-18 16:30:27

You need to walk away.
Your children need you to walk away.
Learning to be on your own after a long relationship can be hard, but so worthwhile. Once you have done this you will be able to have another relationship knowing that you are doing it for the right reasons, not just trying to fill a void.
Being single gets easier and can be very rewarding.

itsallgoneshitflavoured Wed 13-Jun-18 19:19:31

I want to walk away. I know that if I don't all that will lie ahead is more heartache and stress, but it's so hard. I crave affection at the moment. I can't seem to be able to get my head around the idea of being 'alone'.

Ashedload Wed 13-Jun-18 19:30:38

In the nicest possible way, can you not pour that’s affection that you need and give into your children? They are also suffering with the breaking down of the home and the confusion it brings. I feel like you need to centre yourself and focus on that, rather than random encounters, sex and drinking.

SuperSuperSuper Wed 13-Jun-18 20:21:12

You really must try to pull yourself together for the sake of your children. Leave this man alone. I understand how difficult it is, I really do. Good Luck.

itsallgoneshitflavoured Wed 13-Jun-18 21:59:50

I still haven't responded to his email from earlier, but now there is another.
He claims that the reason he didn't try to see me regularly after I told him I was pregnant is because he was emotional and thought he might try to sway my decision on the termination.
On the sleeping with the other women he says that he did this because he completely believed that I didn't want him, had 'dumped' him as he puts it, do he went out and had sex to soothe his ego.

I'm trying to stay strong, I really am. But his words are cracking my resolve.

Wellfuckmeinbothears Wed 13-Jun-18 22:12:33

Stay strong. He treated you appallingly. He played mind games while you were pregnant, he cheated on you and now he’s trying to turn it back on you.

Walk away. You have to. Any affection he gives you will be just another temporary fix, like the drink. If he actually gave a shit about you he wouldn’t have fucked around with your emotions so badly.

Your kids need you. Focus on them.

category12 Wed 13-Jun-18 22:16:05

Block him, you're in no shape for a relationship.

NeverLovedElvis Wed 13-Jun-18 22:28:17

Well done for not replying to him. Now delete his emails and remove him from your life.

itsallgoneshitflavoured Wed 13-Jun-18 22:43:47

I know that you're all giving me up excellent advice and I value every response and read carefully.
I just want to say that my children have a wonderful life. As someone who was never cuddled or told I was loved as a child (I think I was 14 when I got my first hug from my mum) I spend every single day telling my children how special they are, how much Daddy and I love them, and how they bring us both so much joy. I've never ever taken my eye off the ball where my babies are concerned. Ever.

offside Wed 13-Jun-18 22:56:36

I’m going to go against the grain here and say don’t dismiss him so quickly.

He had a right to pull away given how he was feeling and I think his explanation his completely reasonable, although I don’t agree how he did it, I can understand why he did.

Of course you’re going to be emotional and wanting affection, you have been through a tough time with the termination and a good cuddle and nice words would do wonders now, everyone would feel the same in your position, that doesn’t mean that you need counselling and to work on yourself. Only you and him know how real it was when you were together and just from this post, I wouldn’t throw it away so quickly.

NeverLovedElvis Wed 13-Jun-18 23:00:53

He didn't just pull away offside, he shagged somebody else while op was dealing with the unplanned pregnancy.

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