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Antidepressants to fix me? My marriage?

(13 Posts)
Marvelissimoso Tue 12-Jun-18 11:47:25

Hi all, I posted a while ago about my marriage, I don't know how to link to that post so have copied and pasted it here "Hi all smile I used to post on here (a lot) but haven't been on for ages (because of time, and I seem to spend half of my working day looking at a screen, so try and avoid them out of work!) However, I need HELP!! And there's nowhere quite like this for good advice and telling it like it is smile (I have name-changed for this one because of, you know, RL and stuff). So, in a nutshell.... In about 2009 dh started drinking a lot, and we were always skint (unexpectedly skint).... I asked him what was going on/to stop drinking blah blah but he just denied anything was wrong.... In 2012 he tried to commit suicide and I discovered he'd racked up £60,000 of debt (he'd lent money to 'friends', waaay overspent on family life, meals out etc over a long period of time). I sorted out an IVA and we plodded on, however he would NOT discuss it, any of it... The years of heavy drinking and selfishness, the attempted suicide, nowt. He then decided the best way to deal with this would be to take no responsibility for anything... holidays, finances, days out, food, kids stuff. Nothing. He also totally failed to support me during the premature death of my best friend, I think because he had just switched off totally emotionally. Fast forward several years of plodding to now (I'm trying to keep this short!), he now does our finances, he doesn't drink, he has learnt to drive, he is involved and enthusiastic about life, kids etc. He has discussed to the best of his ability, all the shit that went on. However, I am anxious. I can't cope if he says he will do something (think tiny, like remembering to hang the washing out) and doesn't do it. I can't cope with any sign he is not 100% committed to me and the kids ALL the time. I can't have sex with him as I feel resentment towards him. That total complete knowledge that he loves me, that he's my rock iyswim, had gone. Is it me? Is it him? Both of us?! I love him, I want it to work, but by heck I am an exhausted, anxious mess. Help me please oh wise women smile"

Things are more or less the same, I'm exhausted. I still want it to work, I still love him but I'm so tired, and depressed I think. I'm wondering whether antidepressants would give me the resilience, an emotional break if you like, to be able to manage this. I've never taken them before, I'm scared they'll make me more emotional, or emotionless. I just think maybe if I was in a better place we could make it work.

Any opinions or experiences would be so appreciated X

MMmomDD Tue 12-Jun-18 11:57:38

OP - antidepressants aren’t meant to deal with problems in relationships.
There isn’t a ‘happy pill’ solution.

Have you tired counselling - either individual, or a couples?

Marvelissimoso Tue 12-Jun-18 12:04:55

Hi, yes, we've tried both... Individually (I don't think the counsellor was great) it made me feel the marriage was hopeless, it made me really focus on the negative aspects. Couples, I think it was useful, but we just couldn't afford many sessions.

I'm just wondering whether I am now such an emotional wreck that I'm focusing on the mistakes he makes IYSWIM. If I was in a better place mentally, would I be able to cope with the odd bit of defensiveness or inattentiveness on his part.

I know antidepressants can't deal with the problems in a relationship, but could they put me in a place where I could.

I don't even know what is normal relationship-wise anymore.....

AttilaTheMeerkat Tue 12-Jun-18 12:16:36

I think you need a complete break from this individual.

No anti depressant will help here re the underlying mess that is your marriage and they are not there to put you in a place where you could manage your marriage. Why do you feel the need to do that at all? What do you think your children have and are learning about relationships here from the two of you?.

Before you take anti depressants make sure you are not surrounded by an arse of a man first. You've previously enabled him at great cost emotionally and financially to yourself and you are still plodding along now. Small wonder therefore you are exhausted both mentally and physically. Relationships should not be such hard work honestly. Work a relationships in terms of nurturing them yes, this one you write of no.

Why do you want this still to work; that is a question you need to ask honestly of yourself. You get something out of this relationship otherwise why would you be there with him?. What needs of yours does he meet?. Are you codependent?. What did you learn about relationships when growing up, did you see a similar parental example?.

MMmomDD Tue 12-Jun-18 12:34:39

OP - or doesn’t work like this. Antidepressants won’t change how you deal with the relationship.
Won’t make you happier.

Have you tried a GP route, trying to get a referral for some therapy, maybe CBT.
The way you are clinging to a marriage that is clearly isn’t working - that is the question and issue you need to understand.
Not figuring out a batter way to cling...

Lilifer Tue 12-Jun-18 12:46:22

I don't agree actually. I think going on a low dose of an SSRI will certainly help your anxiety, reducing your anxiety will restore some of your energy (anxiety is so exhausting to live with) and that extra bit of energy will enable you to look at your situation with a bit more clarity and perspective.

You are still damaged from the events of the past, and maybe suffering a type of PTSD from it all. Anti depressant will help balance you out so that you can address your situation from a place of strength and rationality.

Once ADs have kicked in then I would seek out a good counsellor (if you can afford it) or if not there are some good books and resources out there to help you figure this out. It sounds like there is still love there which is positive, it may not be enough, but that is what you need to figure out.

ADs can really help when out bodies and minds are exhausted from chronic stress and worry as yours probably is and it makes sense to address that first and then address your marriage smilethanks

Lilifer Tue 12-Jun-18 12:49:29

Oh and by the way OP well done for handling such stressful events in your marriage without cracking up, you are clearly a very strong person and your husband and family are lucky to have you, but remember to take care of your own health too, both mental and physical.x

Tambien Tue 12-Jun-18 13:40:30

OP i can relate to what’s going on. No drinking or debts for us but his behaviour towards me has been very unkind, totally disconnectedness from me and the dcs.
I have spent YEARS trying to support him, create the right conditions so he could bond with his dcs, not saying anything/not getting upset for the ‘small things’.

From that I have learnt (the hard way) that
- when you have been deeply hurt, like you have, and trust has been destroyed it can be extremely hard to rebuild that. HE needs to rebuild that trust and prove he is now a trustworthy person. However, ime, it is often not enough.
2- spending time not rocking the boat, letting go of the small things etc... often means that you are the one who gets hurt because you are negating your own boundaries and acting as if this wasn’t that important. Your boundaries ARE important, even the ones that say he should be putting the washing to go wo you telling him iyswim.
3- this also means that everything is still all about him. What about YOU? What would you like to see, what is working for you? When is the last time that he did things for you (the stopping drinking, looking at finances etc... all that is for him and his benefit. It happens that it benefits you too but that’s all)?

Tambien Tue 12-Jun-18 13:42:22

Re ADs I agree that they can help. The danger imo is when they help you cope with a situation that’s isn’t good for you And therefore let it drag on for even longer.

MMmomDD Tue 12-Jun-18 14:31:44

Depression meds aren’t vitamins. Aren’t meant to be used to solve problems or to cut corners....

OP - go to a doctor. Talk to a specialist. They’ll need to see what is going on, and only then decide if you need therapy, medication or a combination of both.

Marvelissimoso Wed 13-Jun-18 19:23:34

Thank you for replying 🙂 I read your reply at work Lilifer and literally bawled!! You totally hit the nail on the head.

It's taken me a while to reply as I've been thinking, and everything you've all said has been really helpful. I'm clinging on because, despite everything, I love him, and I want it to work. My children are oblivious, I am very good at hiding stuff, which is maybe why it's taken it's toll on me so much.

He's not actually a bad person, although he is selfish, he's just not really grown up (!) and made some humongous mistakes and then dealt with it really badly/stuck his head in the sand.

Having defended him, I have also been more hurt by him than by anyone else ever, and I know that's not right.

I wrote him a long letter last night, which he's read, explaining how I feel and the impact his behaviour has had on me. I've told him that if I don't feel better within 6 weeks we need to seperate, and if I feel worse before then we need to separate. I've also written myself a letter saying similar. And I'm determined to do it if necessary. No more excuses, no more chances.

I'm still unsure about antidepressants, I just don't really feel comfortable taking them..... I might just see how the next few weeks go.

Thank you all so much for replying Xxx

bollocksitshappenedagain Wed 13-Jun-18 19:31:30

I have experienced similar. My dh is functioning alcoholic. Stopped drinking (95%) but substituting with other stuff. Depression. Inability to remember to do anything I do all household admin even though he works part time. I have put up with so much crap over the years that I have lost any desire to make the marriage work. I know the trust is gone and I don't see how I can get it back. I asked him to move out which he did 2 weeks ago and I have been so much more relaxed since. I knew I was unhappy but I didn't realise how much it was affecting my life. It's hard but I think it has been the right decision. Sometimes I think you just reach the point of no return.

Limpopobongo Wed 13-Jun-18 19:32:31

Honestly? You are like a drowning person just keeping your head above water then this man keeps leaning over the side of the boat and passing you house bricks to hang onto.

Sooner or later, YOU will sink below the waves.

The answer,,and i know its unpalatable, but you need to get away from this man. He isnt the man you met and may never return to that person.

Get rid.get out,save yourself.

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