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Am I being manipulated out of divorce?

(45 Posts)
WishfulWanderer Mon 11-Jun-18 22:11:27

Some of you know my situation, and seen MeV on here before. I thank you all for your support it's helped me so much to LTB. I've started divorce proceedings. DH has developed a softly spoken baby lamb persona, which I've not seen before. He's asked me to stop proceedings and to wait 6 months. He has been verbally emotionally and psychologically abusive. Exanples refusing to take me to hospital when pregnant, when forced by midwife, swore at me the whole way, raging at me when I have said I didn't feel like attending a social event, expecting sex on tap - telling me that compared to other women I'm weird when I say no, also telling me I'm mentally unstable and have therefore made this all up it never really happened.
He has now said for the first time that he did do all those things, is ashamed of himself, and totally accepts he let me down. He wants to see a counsellor to understand why do he stops this behaviour for good. So much bad stuff has happened my trust and respect for him are totally messed up. There's a tiny 1% of me that wonders if I should listen to him an wait, whilst I actually rationally know it will not change. Last week he became aggressive pointing and shouting telling me what to do, for the first time I told him not to dare speak to me like that followed by go fuck yourself, and walked away. I started feeling confused about whether this is just another manipulation tactic? How can I tell if it's real or not? Thank you beautiful ladies.

category12 Mon 11-Jun-18 22:17:29

Only a week ago he was aggressive and shouting. It's great that you're feeling strong enough now to stand up to him - but he hasn't changed.

Joysmum Mon 11-Jun-18 22:20:29

You said it yourself, it’s only a persona and is just a short term front rather than who he is.

bastardkitty Mon 11-Jun-18 22:21:17

It's not real. It's just the next thing he's trying because the last thing didn't work. Yes, you're right, it's a manipulation tactic. Just be non-committal and watch him switch again.

Jaxinthebox Mon 11-Jun-18 22:23:00

he hasnt changed at all. Its an act to get you back, then he will up the ante and make things much worse. Please stay away.

ByeMF Mon 11-Jun-18 22:29:16

A week ago???? Tell him to fuck off. He is definitely manipulating you!

JeanLouiseAKAScout Mon 11-Jun-18 22:30:02

Run like fuck

ToEarlyForDecorations Mon 11-Jun-18 22:36:24

If you back down now, you will lose all credibility. It will be harder to file for divorce next time because he'll laugh in your face and remind you of the last failed attempt.


Pollaidh Mon 11-Jun-18 22:40:37

Nope, sounds like he's just trying to reel you back in, doesn't like knowing he's lost his power. It will be worse if you go back. This is not a nice guy. You've been brave enough to start stepping away, keep running.

ToEarlyForDecorations Mon 11-Jun-18 22:40:38

You are finally getting through to him. That's what this is really all about. Closing you down.

What's all this nonsense he's offering you ? Counselling for himself. Admitting what he's done. Oh no. No. No. No. He needs to find another emotional punchbag. He just wants you to stay to save him the bother of looking for one. Also, his ego won't cope with you leaving.

He's 'got' you before. Don't let him 'get' you again.

Grasslands Mon 11-Jun-18 22:42:25

i'd suspect he's hiding the money. don't wait. assets will be diverted.

Sally2791 Mon 11-Jun-18 22:44:57

I am also deeply cynical. Run as fast as you can

feelboring1 Mon 11-Jun-18 23:15:05

Manipulation. Same thing happened to me, and when I carried on with the divorce proceedings (which was very hard because it wad tempting to give in to the manipulation - I had so wanted affection for so long and he seemed to be offering some), he switched back to being awful and immediately (really immediately) started a new relationship. Long and very late night phone calls to this person in the house that we had to share for months. Bastard.

feelboring1 Mon 11-Jun-18 23:15:51

Was not wad

Apologies for rubbish punctuation.

WishfulWanderer Mon 11-Jun-18 23:30:28

How horrendous
That's so awful, poor you. Everyone's right manipulating bastards. I have a suspicion he's been contacting two of his exes.
How did it all end?
Right now he's not wanting to move out, I have a job ok my hands.

LB2203 Mon 11-Jun-18 23:40:20

You've just met The Persuader. All he wants is to regain control over you. Threats didn't work, so now he's trying a different angle.

Nellia Tue 12-Jun-18 06:05:22

Its a front. The fact that he shouted at you last week shows its one he cant maintain long term.

Counselling is not a magic wand it cant put love where there isnt any. Also not advisable for situations involving abuse which is what you have here.

Stay the course end it.

Shoxfordian Tue 12-Jun-18 06:13:22

He's just trying to manipulate you op

Cawfee Tue 12-Jun-18 06:14:12

Don’t back down. Nobody can change that drastically in a short space of time. Sadly you’ve got involved with some sort of psychotic weirdo. You need to get out and get normal life back and meet normal people. The life he can offer you is one full of upset and strange unpredictable behaviour. For your own sanity push divorce ahead quickly and firmly

Mountainsoutofmolehills Tue 12-Jun-18 06:16:22

he is a narcisist. get control of your money, for sure he will be, do not be naive, this guy is not working for your best interest, he is working for his interest. Get savvy, get recordings of him being a pyscho, write it all down and take this bastard down.

IsaidMrDarcynotArsey Tue 12-Jun-18 06:40:10

I imagine he wants control of the actual divorce. He wants to control the narrative of the event, the finances and not be on his own - he hasn’t lined up his new bed ( contacting old flames your say! ) I would decline his offer and stay true your already chosen course, for your safety and sanity.

WishfulWanderer Tue 12-Jun-18 08:09:39

Ladies you are all 100% right he totally lost it with me this morning, and back to telling me I've made all the abuse up because I'm unstable! Thank you for helping me see this.
He's told me he will never leave the house and is going for 100% custody because I'm apparently an unfit mad woman who can't care for children. I feel so weak again, locked myself in bathroom, can't stop crying.

mamas12 Tue 12-Jun-18 08:16:37

Oh he is most definitely following the pattern
Please phone a rl person to come to your house now
Start opening up to family and friends and tell them what he's like
You have locked yourself I. The bathroom of your own home against your own husband, that is not normal.
You also need to phone women's aid for all the practical and emote emotional support
I'm sorry to say that your marriage is over and the sooner you take care of yourself the better

MrsMozart Tue 12-Jun-18 08:21:31

He's being an absolute shit.

Hold onto that thought. You most definitely deserve better and there is a better life out there waiting for you.

AttilaTheMeerkat Tue 12-Jun-18 08:27:21

Now you have met the Persuader as LB2203 suggests. This is yet more manipulation from him and part of his ongoing campaign of abuse in his arsenal against you.

Continue with the divorce proceedings. Do not back down and divorce him asap.

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