Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Help - is there any other reason? Possible hook ups with men(389 Posts)
Name changed, occasional poster, regular reader. Sorry if this is long and incoherent (also typing fast as don't have long so apologies for any typos)
Background for context
LTR not married
OH Bi sexual - knew from start - very honest about past - fine. Explained as just a sexual thing, previous relationships all been with women.
2 children - 1 primary school 1 pre school
Own house together
Relationship - apart from normal ups and downs, lovely lifestyle, great friends and family, very social together, financially secure (well apart from the £200k savings he has in his sole savings account) lots of holiday etc
1 occasion of infidelity on his part early in the relationship, not affair just one off, split for a while, he had counselling, decided to get back together as honestly very happy, he did all the right things, complete access to phone, email etc etc
We live around 1hr from where his family and business are
Anyway came home earlier than planned this morning, as I walked in to bedroom OH had jumped up and was making the bed (this was around 9am - own business no set hours). Rolled my eyes and thought he was either 1. Relieving himself or 2. Being lazy and felt bad.
Anyway his phone had fallen on the floor, he didn't see I'd spotted this and he got straight in shower.
Last thing he'd done was been on a call to someone but it had been deleted. (Swiped up and could see call log but when I actually went in there, no calls).
So I checked his phone bill. Not done this for years. I don't care if that means I 'snooped'.
Couldn't get the call/calls from today but over the last 6 months (all I managed to download before he was out of shower) there was a few numbers that looked odd - only called at certain days, short calls etc not every day but regular enough. Just had a feeling.
Managed to locate one owner through Facebook.
Single gay man, 20 years older than us, lives and owns a Business in OH home/business town. Has a fab guys account where he advertises a 'glory hole' 3 days a week.
There is NO reason why my OH would be calling this guy. Not remotely work related, not an old friend, not someone his family knows etc
He's calling him for hook ups isn't he? It would be completely plausible for him to visit that area as his business is located there, as are his family.
I feel sick and I don't know what to do. He adores our children and swore he would never do this again. I made it very clear that there would be no future chances. He is very against at what he calls being a 'part time Dad' and would hate to not live with the children. We socialise together, sex life has lows and high (as with small children) but it always good, experimental, passionate.
We've been taking about getting married next year and having another baby. We are planning major expensive work to our house
I'm trying to think of excuses. Maybe he's an old friend I don't know about, maybe this, maybe that. There isn't though is there? It's black and white.
Not only fucking up our lives together it would be awful if we separated, Our families are very close, his business and my job are linked, we share all the same friends. Why has he done this???????
I feel sick, I can't eat, I honestly don't know what to do? Do I call him out now? Do I wait and find out some more info? Do I bury my head in the sand and get myself financially secure. (I work and with his maintenance and benefits I could afford to stay in the house, I would just like some money behind me. As stated 'our' savings are in his account)
Help please I have no one to talk to this in real life. I don't know what to do, I'm gutted.
You need to turn detective before he realises you are suspicious and deletes everything.
Your gut has reacted this way for a reason. Don't ignore it.
Horrible position to be in, hope you'll get some good advice on this thread
BTW, I hope you use condoms. Get to an STI clinic too.
Try and find out more before you say anything to him. If you say anything now he will just lie and cover his tracks.
You definitely need to keep your powder dry while you think this through OP, protecting yours/DC's future is vital now and how you handle this could have a big effect on that. Sorry to focus on the financial when you must be going through hell but is there a reason you have no access to savings and do you think you could engineer it so that situation changes?
Quietly watching and waiting while you get your ducks in a row financially and practically would be my advice, its bad enough that he's blindsided you emotionally, don't let him do it to you where money, housing, lifestyle etc are concerned too. Making preparations for the possibility of separating now, while he's unaware of what you know, will stand you in good stead if the shit hits the fan and cant hurt even if there turns out to be another explanation.
I think you're probably right though (sorry ) and am sending hugs and strength. Do you have anyone you can trust in RL you could talk to?
I can’t think of another reason. I’m sorry OP. I wouldn’t confront him yet as he knows what’s at stake and will almost certainly deny it. Can you do more snooping and see if you can find any further evidence?
If you do want to confront him straight away, I would advise catching him off guard. Don’t say ‘we need to talk tonight’ or anything that will give him time to think up his excuses. Ask him completely out of the blue ‘when were you going to tell me about X?’ I used this approach and he was so shocked he didn’t even bother trying to deny it (though did initially lie about how far things had gone).
i'm sorry OP. If it walks like a duck, swims like a duck and quacks like a duck, then it is probably a duck.
I didn’t confront until I had seen messages and photos, and saw he had lied to me about where he was by looking in his work calendar. It’s better to have some evidence.
Thank you all so much for replying.
I was waiting for him to go out before I logged back on.
With reference to STI checks, will be booking in ASAP. And no, no condoms since a while after previous infertility and checks. Stupid.
Savings account, there is no way of changing this. Although he is not 'tight' he is very careful and saves a high monthly amount for our 'future'. There's just not been a reason to put this in joint savings. Again, stupid. He is a very high earner and feels it is his 'role' to provide for our future.
We're not married because I have been previously (early twenties) and I wasn't divorced yet when we first got together (separated 2 years). We are late thirties and house then kids just came first.
I honestly have no one, atm, in real life to talk to. I'll be honest right now I'm feeling pretty ashamed/embarrassed. Outsiders looking in would be gobsmacked as everything 'seems' so perfect. My Mum has a lot going on right now, and of my 2 best friends, one is away and one is also going through a separation.
I don't know how to gather more information. I can't find anything suspicious on his email. But of course he may have another I don't know about. I will be able to look at his phone but I imagine he deletes everything straight away. I will look back through the bills when I can and try and find some other numbers that don't add up and research them.
I am gutted because even though I don't want to stay with someone who treats me this way, I love him, and I want to stay with the man I 'know'. Does that make sense?
It's going to be so hard to keep up an act while I figure this out. He's already asked me today if I am ok and I just covered with a headache/dodge tummy excuse.
My heart will literally break when I pick my kids up from childcare.
Sorry if I don't come back for a while, I am leaving shortly to collect the children
If he hadn't been deleting the trace then I would have asked if there no chance he could be a friend? If it's in the area he is from perhaps they knew each other from back then... However covering his tracks is suspicious. I would get chacked at the sti clinic and then see a solicitor so you know where you stand. You need to act quickly though as keeping the act up will be difficult and how are you going to explain not wanting unprotected sex anymore (or sex at all, don't think I could!)
Sorry OP this doesn't sound good.
If you have no other way of getting information then I'd look into getting a PI!
Can you afford one without him finding out where the money went?
I do not think this sounds all that good either. I would not bother trying to think of excuses; if this also had been the other way around I doubt whether he would be at all forgiving either.
You need to remember though this is nothing whatsoever to do with you as a person. This is about him entirely and this is all on him.
He is really not worthy of you and the lifestyle and holidays you have do not make up for the fact that he has cheated on you before and has now done so again. He can still be a dad to his children post any separation if he so chooses.
Re your comment:-
"He adores our children and swore he would never do this again. I made it very clear that there would be no future chances".
He swore he would never do what again - cheating?. Well he already has cheated again, you know deep down why he was calling this individual. He was only thinking of his own self and needs, certainly not you and his children here when he made such calls. You will not be true to your own self if you remain with him given the above. He has had his chance here with you and he's blown it.
Search the house for things like condoms/any other evidence of hook ups. I found a wash bag full of condoms and lube with gay clubs advertised on them hidden under a pile of jumpers. Check his laptop for emails or messages. I don’t know what you can do about the £200k if you’re not married - hopefully someone will be along who can help. Good luck - if your suspicions are correct you could be in for a rocky ride.
Op half of that £200k is yours, you must get it in your own savings account, as you are not married and therefore would not have a claim on this? Am I right here?
Do not talk to him until you have spoken to someone with regards to protecting your assets.
What a horrid situation to be in Op
How about "hearing about" someone his age dying suddenly and his partner being financially stuffed, as a reason to do something about making the savings joint?
Laptop email and house clean
2 other numbers - 1 ‘rent boy’ 1 female escort
Literally going to throw up. He’s due home in 30 minutes and I don’t know how I’m not going to flip.
Please someone keep me sane for the future of my children
Can you feign a 'migraine' and retreat to the bedroom for now, just to buy yourself a bit of time to get your head together? Can absolutely imagine how you must be feeling, so sorry this is happening to you
Diarrhoea and sickness? I wouldn't be able to though. If I was being brave I would say 'I know everything you've done and have proof - but I want to hear it from you'.
Would it help if I told you how much you will regret showing your hand too early? Knowledge is power and doing this the right way could make a huge difference to you and DC's future. He deserves you being calculating in the way you cut yourself loose, exactly as he has been calculating in deceiving and betraying you, try to stay strong
I would flip.
You know it’s true, relationship over. I don’t see how ‘keeping your powder dry’ can help when all the money’s in his name and you’re not married.
Good luck x
Oh OP pretend you have a migraine and say you need to lie down, give yourself a bit of time to get your head together. Hopefully more people will be along here soon with better advice.
Migraine! As WTF says, retire to bedroom in peace and think.
You either need half that £200k or you need a quick marriage.
I'm so sorry. I agree that knowledge is power, so if you can try to hold off until you have been able to get yourself in a bit better position. When you feel like you're going to lose it keep focusing on the future and needing to be prepared.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now »
Already registered? Log in with:
Please login first.