Boyfriend cheating with escorts

[Daisyblue101]

We have been together for 3.5 years. He's 42 and I'm 10 years younger. No kids or mortgage together.

October last year I found out he has been using escorts. (Had to access his email to check Sainsbury's home delivery and found a dodgy email from one of working girls.) I managed to gather a fair amount of information however, no 100proc evidence. His text to them asking where they based or what service they offer etc. Obviously was devastated and was blaming myself, even tried to wear sexy lingerie and showed more initiative in bed, sent him dirty pictures. I didn't confront him for about 1.5 months because had some serious deadlines and he was depressed so didn't want to spin situation out of control.

Where I mentioned it to him (yes, I onlyentioned not wanting to hurt his feelings) he denied it.. left to travel with work and got me flowers on return.

I didn't have strength to bring up the topic again. I still don't. He can get emotionally abusive very quickly. I don't know how to force myself to bring it up. I believe he feels he's in a situation where he can cheat on me be abusive and get away with it. I don't see the future in this relationship if we don't talk about the cheating and abuse problem. I can't come to terms with leaving him either even I know I should.

It's hard. Has anyone been in a situation like this and how shall I force myself to change things. It's not good just let things like that happen without any consequences.

[MrsHappyAndMrCool]

This is the first time that I have used this term but you need to LTB

[3luckystars]

I don’t understand why you are with someone who doesn’t make you feel good about yourself.

Get some counseling. Good luck.

[CuppaTeaAndAJammieDodger]

LTB and get a STI check pronto.

[LemonysSnicket]

So you're with an older man, you're not tied up by assets or kids, he's having sex with prostitutes, he refuses communication and is verbally abusive towards you .... wow, what a conundrum.

He won't change. He won't apologise. He won't tell you what happened to give you piece of mind. You'll never trust him, you'll never get over it. You will become neurotic and paranoid.

Leave.

[LemonysSnicket]

Oh, and at 32 you're the perfect age to find someone new!

[Juells]

I don't see the future in this relationship if we don't talk about the cheating and abuse problem.

He's an abusive shit.

[CucumberAndMint]

Don't bother talking to him. Leave and get some counselling.

[MMmomDD]

You are 32.
He is 10 years older and using escorts.
You don’t even have kids yet - so he can’t blame it on you not paying him attention or being grumpy/frumpy/tired/etc....

What do you think will happen when you are pregnant; sleepy with a crying baby; covered in sick; tired with screaming toddlers; can’t lose baby weight; etc

[Daisyblue101]

I fully understand I should leave him but what I can't get my head around is why I can't make myself to finally do it.

I understand there are logistical things to be solved around this and extra stress but I still can't make myself to do it.

I unfortunately do love him but just loving someone is not enough to live a fulfilling life xx

[Neweternal]

Daisy just leave you will look back and be so glad you did. This is really a no brainer. don't allow your self esteem to be eroded like this.

[another20]

You really need an STI check ASAP. Many local hospitals and clinics are walk in it is v discreet. Your fertility and general health is on the line here.

Have you spoken about this to anyone in RL? Or after 8 long months is this the first time you have communicated? You must be in turmoil - and you must be so subjugated by his ongoing abuse that your response was to compete with a prostitute. That breaks my heart. Speak to women’s aid to support you extracting yourself from this dreadful situation.

[Daisyblue101]

The only way I can see leaving him is to wait when he's away for a weekend and do all the packing then to avoid all the abuse I would potentially.

I don't think that's fair way of doing it. I believe the better way would be to talk about it . But he won't have normal, calm conversation with me on this.

[madcatladyforever]

What are you doing with this man. Leave now.

[madcatladyforever]

P.S He doesn't even deserve a conversation or explanation. He knows what he did. Leave and feel no guilt. He clearly doesn't feel any.

[RosieCockle]

You don't think it's fair?! Nor is cheating with prostitutes or being abusive!! Get angry and get the hell out. Get yourself a happy life.

[Daisyblue101]

@another20 yes, I did speak to my close friends and therapist about it. I didn't disclose the extent the abuse can get to to any of them.

I had STI check SEP last year as part of my smear test. Seems it would make sense get another one.

I'm independent financially, do well in my career and also work hard on improving my qualification. I just really don't know what needs to happen to make me leave. I believe the catalyst would definitely be if he hurt me. But the fact I think this way is not a healthy way of looking at the situation xx

[MMmomDD]

Daisy - google threads on here by women whose husbands have been using escorts.
Imagine yourself in a few years as these women.
Stuck in a relationship, older, with kids whose life will be destroyed by that.
Then read those threads again.
And imagine again.
It’ll sink in.

If that doesn’t help - go to UKPunting.com
Browse through threads of men that use escorts regularly.....

I am liberal in many ways. Don’t consider porn/strip clubs/noticing other women as cheating.
Not even sure monogamy is a realisatic goal long term.
But - your specific situation - has only suffering in the long term.

Unless - you make peace with living in an open relationship.

[Velvetbee]

‘Not fair’?! This twunt doesn’t deserve ‘fair’. Shit in his shoes and move out while he’s at work.

[DianaT1969]

You seem to love to talk OP.
Would you want to reason with a stranger who in the street who ramdomly hits you and grabs your bag? Find out what motivated him?How about a stranger who breaks into you home? Would you want to chat and find out the cause?
Drop the 'discuss and have a conversation' nonsense. Give your head a massive wobble and get packing today. Exit via the STI clinic and don't look back.
You're 32 FFS. Not trapped, not in love.

[Failingat40]

You sound so downtrodden and sub-servient to this dirt bag.

He's a middle aged man with a younger girlfriend on his arm and it's still not enough!

He can't blame stress of kids either!

He's an abusive cheat.

Please end it and walk away, leave him to his sad, seedy ways.
Men like this make me laugh, he really thinks these women fancy him? What a joke.

Get tested for sti and don't even give him an explanation of why it's over, he'll lie and gaslight you.

Start enjoying your life, you're in your prime

[bionicnemonic]

Watch a lovely movie. Got Netflix? Sit and watch About Time. You could find someone that makes you that happy. That makes you feel loved and adored. Every day you wake up in the same situation as now is a day wasted. Go and find your happiness

[Chaotica]

Go. You'll feel so much better. Unfortunately I'm speaking from experience here. Don't bother hoping for some sort of explanation or whatever. Just get out.

[Wavescrashingonthebeach]

Do you have somewhere to go?
He does not deserve a conversation with you and by the end of it you will feel worse & end up staying.
Im a long term lurker but had to register to try & assist as ive been there myself- he wasnt cheating but he was very controlling, telling me he would throw me out the window, smashing things up. I felt trapped as couldnt imagine breaking up with him.
Whenever i'd tried it would be "you're my world" etc.
So i waited til he was in work, left a note on the table, took all my stuff in bin bags & got a taxi to my mums.
There was still alot of my stuff in the flat & a few months later the whole building burnt down in an accident (no one died thank god) & whatever id left there would have been burnt to a crisp.
This was nearly 10 years ago. Can i remember what i'd left there? Can I hell.
But i do know leaving was the best thing id done & my life improved in so many ways.
Please just get your shit & go. Dont engage with him. You deserve so much better- start believing it x

[LB2203]

I'm sorry, but you can't change someone who is abusing you. It's just not how it works.

I don't know if it would help to hear this, but it took me nearly a year from realising I was being abused to actually leaving. The day I left I was absolutely distraught and guilt stricken. I felt like the WORST person who had ever lived and that I was terrible for leaving him, and oh maybe if I can stay I can fix things, etc. For safety reasons I planned my escape and left when he was away so he didn't know.

But I left. I almost didn't. But I forced myself to imagine how I would feel if I stayed, what life would be like, and that felt even worse than all the guilt and panic and grief for the relationship I'd hoped for. I realised the only way I could ever have a future where I stood a chance of happiness and safety, I had to leave.

So I just wanted to say I understand why you currently feel unable to leave. It is a process. But if you're able to recognise that you need to leave and why (because he is abusing you and will not change), then you have taken the first step.

The first step is recognising you need to work towards leaving. You don't have to know when. You don't need to know how. But you need that idea planted and growing in your mind.

Information is power. Stay safe, and keep it to yourself, but start gathering information.

I began by searching for answers to all the practical questions I had. I started investigating where I could live and working out a budget. I got a storage locker and slowly and carefully moved my most precious things into it. As time went on I added practical things for my new life.

I got a place on the Freedom Programme. They were a huge source of emotional and practical support to me. The information I learned there about abuse helped me to understand the full extent of what had been happening to me and how wrong it was. It helped me understand how different life could be.

That information gave me strength and confidence that I was doing the right thing. The women there encouraged me by sharing their stories of life since leaving. They reminded me I didn't deserve to live that way and it wasn't my fault.

I allowed myself to imagine what my new life would be like after I left. I dreamt about the beautiful colours I would be able to have in my new home. I imagined not having to walk on eggshells anymore.

I confided in my (female) GP. She listened to me and supported me.

I learnt how to safely cover my tracks. I got a second SIM card so I could have a safe number. I prepared an emergency bag in case things got worse and I had to leave without warning. I kept my passport and other documents safe.

I talked to samaritans and supportive people online. I talked to my GP. I saw a counsellor, who told me it was ok if I wasn't ready to leave yet. That I had to be ready to leave so that I didn't end up going back. That she had confidence I would be able to do it.

And then one day, everything was in place. I had a new home worked out, I had as many belongings ready as I could, I had solved the practical problems I hadn't been sure about, I had a plan for how I would pack up the rest of my stuff and leave while he was away... And I was terrified. I still wanted to believe things would change so I wouldn't have to do it, even though I knew it would never happen.

It took me a couple more months, and then I realised the only thing holding me back was the fear. So I set a date for when I knew he was away and I could move. And I made myself do it.

I won't pretend it was immediately wonderful afterwards. I struggled. It was a shock. I was grieving for the life we should have had. I leant on the places and people who'd provided support. When I wobbled and started talking about going back (mostly from guilt and fear rather than any expectation it would be better if I did) they talked me down. The FP also helped me prepare for how he would respond after I left so I didn't fall for his manipulation.

But things got better after the first two or three months. A weight lifted. I started making plans for happy things in my future (just small things). I saw a counsellor who was trained in abuse and gave me a lot of confidence back. She and the FP helped me feel safe to start to trust other people by teaching me how to identify different styles of abuse early on. (Different abusers adopt different tactics and different styles.)

Things can and will get better for you, but first you have to jump through those flames to get away from him. I know it's tough, and it's ok if it takes you a bit of time to be ready. But you can do it, and your life will get better. So much better than you can imagine right now.

[LB2203]

I guess that took me longer to write than I thought, just seen your updates. Talking to him won't bring you the closure or resolution you want. He's an abuser. He will gaslight you, he will blame you, he will make it your fault, he will lie, he will threaten, he will demean you, he will get angry... He will do whatever he has to do to break you and keep control of you.

I too thought it was "unfair" for me to leave while he was out. It tormented me. That was what drove my guilt the day I left. It was what almost stopped me. Except it's not about fairness, it's about safety. And ultimately, him abusing you is the far greater unfairness.

You leaving is not something you are doing to him, it is something HE has done TO YOU. He has chosen to abuse you. It's not accidental or inadvertent.

You need to remember that.

And if you talk to Women's Aid (they were another source of information and support to me), the FP, and the police, they will ALL tell you to leave without warning while he is away.

It is the only way to ensure your safety snd to make sure he doesn't know where you've gone.

I don't want to scare you, but most women who are murdered by their partners are killed when they try to leave, or shortly afterward. Abusers will escalate dramatically when they realise you are taking away all their control over you by leaving them. He may not have hit you yet, but you have no way of guaranteeing that he won't if you tell him you're leaving.

Please. If you know you have the opportunity to safely pack up and leave while he's gone for a whole weekend, take it.

And remember, this is not something you are doing to him, it is something he has done to you.