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Being the other woman/conniving in deception/dropping the trapdoor

(311 Posts)
Smudge100 Sat 09-Jun-18 20:08:12

Six years ago I came home from work to find my then husband had thoughtfully changed the locks on the house before eloping with the woman down the road. When I finally gained entry, I discovered that they had everything useful and even my poor dog.

It’s a common enough story. However, the lady in question was someone I felt close to. She had successfully posed as a friend to both of us, so successfully in fact that I never had an inkling that she had having an affair with my husband for eighteen months. I was later to learn that they had planned their departure to coincide with her reaching pensionable age (at 50, I might add), so that they could both retire to the area where my then husband and I had for years planned to spend our twilight years. Every detail had been carefully put in place. I was left to discover over the ensuing few months not only how methodical and comprehensive their planning had been, but how heavily it had relied upon my ignorance of it. I still struggle with the scale of that duplicity and the extent of my own wilful blindness.

In the intervening years I have given considerable thought to the steely nerves and the sheer brazenness it must have taken for her to maintain that equaniminous demeanour of unruffled nonchalance whilst pursuing a project that she knew would rob me not just of my future, but my faith in human nature and in my own judgement. I’m not suggesting that she owed me a duty of loyalty – far from it - she owed me much less than my equally devious ex-husband. But strangely, I have actually wondered more about her role in it than his. My question is not: have you ever been the Other Woman? There have been plenty of threads in that particular well-worn vein, though I certainly wouldn’t want to discourage anyone with that particular experience from posting, in fact I’d be very interested to hear your point of view. It is however rather, have you ever been a party to the carefully-planned and protracted deception of a third party, particularly someone you knew well? If so, why? Was it for personal gain? Did you despise your victim? Feel they deserved what they got? Ever feel a tinsy bit guilty or the need to justify/rationalise it to yourself? What were your motives exactly? I’m not here to judge anyone, I’m long beyong that now, I’m just still curious about the psychological dynmamic of cheating, the whole process of misleading, placating, dissembling before another person, of not being yourself, of not showing your true face and the strain that places, if any, on the person practising deception. Please feel free to be brutally honest. If only they had been.

GertieMotherwell Sat 09-Jun-18 21:22:45

I’m sport I can’t help with your question as I have never been the OW and can’t imagine doing that to anyone.
Just wanted to bump this post and send you 💐
How are you now Smudge100

GertieMotherwell Sat 09-Jun-18 21:43:34

Sorry not sport

LanguidLobster Sat 09-Jun-18 21:48:46

No never OW, would hate the deceit.

There's something severely wrong with the pair of them, may they rot in hell for doing this to you. One of the worst things yoy can do to someone is make them doubt their own mind

How are you getting on now?

BettyBaggins Sat 09-Jun-18 21:58:56

I wonder if you people who have been victim to scams would understand op?

BettyBaggins Sat 09-Jun-18 21:59:39

Sorry not sure where the *you came from

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant Sat 09-Jun-18 22:00:48

Was she single? I have met at least 3 guys in OLD that I realised were not single, one time a few weeks into it. I stopped seeing them straight away but I did it for my own good and benefit, it is not the job of other women to keep an unfaithful shit of a husband honest towards his wife.

I felt like I didn’t deserve to be told such lies so, in my view, the wife and I, were in the same boat.

I understand you are feeling betrayed because she was your friend but with that level of deceit, I’m pretty sure if it had not been her it would have been someone else. If she was single, he is more guilty than her.

MyRelationshipIsWeird Sat 09-Jun-18 22:00:50

God how awful for you. I have always thought that it is the the deception which is so damaging in affairs, rather than simply the infidelity.

I can’t imagine even for one day being able to be so duplicitous, let alone for 18 months. I can only assume that these people must be somewhat pyschopathic, to be able to plot something so heinous without a thought for the person whose life they are fucking up. Nobody with an ounce of empathy could do it, or at least not without a huge dose of cognitive dissonance.

Maybe they were somehow able to convince themselves that it benefited everyone or that their love was so pure and true that it trumped anyone else’s feelings? Massively narcissistic either way.

flowers for you OP.

isseywithcats Sat 09-Jun-18 22:05:16

ok i will tell you my story i inadvertently became the other woman, online dating, long distance relationship, he totally fooled me, i believed he was seperated, he moved to my town, sucked me in completely, it was only later when it was too late i found out that he had still been living with his partner and kids, (i knew he had kids) and it was when she found out about me she threw him out, he was such a good liar i didnt know this at the time, and 8 years later he did the same thing to me, left me broken hearted and broke financially,

at the time we were together i thought that his partner must have done something wrong to have him cheat on her, sadly she died at the age of 47 so i never had chance to apologise for the hurt i must have caused her and yes i do feel guilty about that, but i did all the right things and he cheated on me and i threw him out so it wasnt the women in his life who were flawed it was him who had the flaws

LanguidLobster Sat 09-Jun-18 22:07:36

But they plotted it together

SpongeBobJudgeyPants Sat 09-Jun-18 22:13:31

IDK. But it may be, in some cases at least, that the OW is so self-centred that you did not factor into the decision. An immoral her needs before anyone else type decision. Horrible for you though. flowers

Icklepickle101 Sat 09-Jun-18 22:16:08

I’ve not been the OW but had the OW contact me after it all unravelled.

She told me she’d never set out for them to end up together, she didn’t know me, had nothing against me and it had just happened over time. She told me how awful she felt that she’d played a part in splitting my family up but how happy they made each other had made it impossible to turn back what had started. She knew I existed from the start, as well as my (at the start) 4 month old son. They were work friends, and had known each other for 6 months before things started to turn in to more than ‘friendship’. In that time I’d visited the office more than a dozen times (I used to work there) and she’d even made me a cup of tea in one of the visits.

I still sometimes wonder how she let herself be wooed by a taken man, when she knew the full picture from the start. And she even got engaged during the time of their affair so her partner was being deceived as much as me. It’s just completely illogical

Irregularchoicesss Sat 09-Jun-18 22:23:39

Name change for this.

I've been the other woman, a few times.

Ultimately, the unpalatable truth is that people of either gender cheat because their relationship has an issue or multiple issues. That may be uncomfortable to hear but it's usually true.

I have never broken up a family or been caught either. That was never my intention, to have anything long term. They were flings and had a shelf life. These all took place in my early 30s.

But I have had affairs with married men because they were offering me experiences I wanted to try. It was exciting, they had money and I got to do some incredible things. These weren't run of the mill average Joe's. They were high profile powerful men and I went into it with my eyes wide open and not expecting more. I never fell in love. I felt and feel no guilt. I was single and could do as I pleased. They were the ones risking their primary relationship.

Feelings re their wives? I felt sorry for them because they were usually doing the wifely duties and playing by the rules. Sadly this makes women unattractive to men. Its boring. Men dont see things in the same way as women, in the main. The men wanted sexual excitement. They wanted to talk. They didn't get this at home although they clearly cared for their wives. But their wives nagged and moaned and had become motherly. Not sexy women anymore. Focussed on their families and kids too heavily. Mundane and domestic.

Unfair? Yes very very unfair.

But it meant that I learned a lot. You have to keep relationships fresh. That's a lot of work.

GertieMotherwell Sat 09-Jun-18 22:48:29

Irregularchoicesss
Did you really fall for all that crap 😂

The unpalatable truth in the situations you describe, is that you were nothing more than a prostitute.

nhnhnhnh Sat 09-Jun-18 22:59:17

OP - cheating and affairs come in so many shapes and forms...
And what motivates people is also so personal and person-specific....

Some people just cheat opportunistically - to release steam, or to satisfy some curiosity, or out of boredom.
Others may be missing something in a relationship.
And then others may actually meet someone else and start developing feelings.

Deception - is part of it. Obviously. And of course, people tend to explain it away to themselves. And mostly - life isn’t black and white.
But mostly - I think - it’s becauase in the end of the day - people are focused on their own life and happiness. And a marriage certificate doesn’t change that.
And life is too short to be unhappy.

I don’t know why your H needed to change locks. That part seems weird.
The fact that he planned how and when he’ll make the move - that isn’t strange, why is it strange?
And - for what it’s worth - they most likely haven’t been planning it for all of 18 months.
Probably started off casually and then it became more.
He fell out of love and met someone else. Unfortunately - that is what happened. And who knows why.

I hope you managed to move on.

Irregularchoicesss Sat 09-Jun-18 23:00:11

Expected that!

I got to enjoy myself, holidays, lovely meals, gifts. Time and money the men should have been spending on their families was spent on me. Thats not very pleasant to hear if youve been cheated on. Another woman receiving your man's time and resources. You're entitled to your opinion but I had a ball! If you think that makes me a prostitute so be it. I don't see it that way. I didn't marry a bloke who couldn't keep his pants on. I didn't make poor choices. I merely took advantage of a situation that was beneficial to me.

One instance, he didn't even bother to buy the wife a Christmas present. I had flowers and jewellery and a handbag.

And I got all that without doing anyone's washing smile

AnyFucker Sat 09-Jun-18 23:03:31

The plot is succinctly and satisfyingly tight. But don't give up the day job just yet.

user764329056 Sat 09-Jun-18 23:11:27

Hello OP, I have a similar story to you and it is the double betrayal that floored me, she was a friend and, as you say, they’d been planning it together while maintaining a facade of him still being my partner and she my friend. This happened a long time ago and in all honesty I think clouded my outlook on life for ever. I value trust so highly I have just never been able to wrap my head around their deceit. It was brutal.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 Sat 09-Jun-18 23:12:50

grin AnyFucker

OP - why did your husband change the locks AND elope?

takeittakeit Sat 09-Jun-18 23:12:50

irregularchoices - you are seriously sad individual - I think that is the politest expression of how much I loathe arrogant self asbsorbed beatches like yourself.

OP - the duplicity especially by those who you considered friends is in the end the hardest part to live with. YOur tale mirrors mine- except the retirement bit - the ability to trust anyone friend or lover after an event like this is fundamentally altered and destroyed.

Lsnowe Sat 09-Jun-18 23:13:32

@Irregularchoicesss
If you are actually telling the truth rather than making up rubbish to try to be controversial, I feel very sorry for you. You are incredibly materialistic and unfeeling. With this approach to relationships you are likely to end up very lonely, or more likely are already. I hope you grow out of this for your own sake.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 Sat 09-Jun-18 23:13:42

What I mean is, he didn't have to do both, he only had to do one or the either. Why change the locks if he's eloping??? it doesn't make sense.

GertieMotherwell Sat 09-Jun-18 23:14:14

I do find it amusing Irregularchoicesss that you have convinced yourself that you weren’t being used and were a ‘significant other’ to all these men.

What is your life now I wonder.

Smudge100 Sat 09-Jun-18 23:17:56

The lady in question wasn’t single when she met me and my then husband. She had a partner of 23 years. They split up and he moved out eight months before she ran off with my husband. I was never privy to this information. I don’t think he knew either that his partner was having an affair but i don’t know for certain, as everything went on behind my back. I have moved on because that just happens anyway but i just wonder from time to time what i did to deserve it.

Irregularchoicesss Sat 09-Jun-18 23:18:15

At the end of the day, I wasn't interested in them long term. They were flings. I got a lot out of them. I have been happily coupled for well over a decade now but I wouldn't change the past.

The op asked for the why, I was being honest. It's not fair I appreciate, but things happen. People stray.

It may not be what you want to hear but doesn't make it less true. I wouldn't have progressed any of them further than they went. I didn't want the men long term. Some women may choose to progress them and end the mans primary relationship. That was never my goal.

But whether the person who has been cheated on wants to accept it or not, there are always reasons for the infidelity. In my case it was that the men wanted excitement. They didn't want to leave their wives. But in other cases they do and do leave.

I personally think if you want out, then leave. But I don't place so much value on monogamy as I am not sure it's a workable model...

It's human nature unfortunately. You can be upset about that or accept you have to be very careful when picking a husband!

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