Just discovered (via MN) the term gaslighting, my DH has been messing with my head for years, I had just put it down to his age + low IQ, but now starting to wonder if it's all a bit more sinister and manipulative. This is an example of what happened tonight (one of two incidents actually). Background: I was in a park carpark today, a young lady came into the carpark to find her car damaged by fire and what looked to be the charred remains of a vehicle next to her car.
Me: So that car that was damaged by fire in the car park today, I saw on Twitter that there was a massive car fire and the fire brigade came to put it out. I would have expected that the fire brigade would have taken the registration number of the lady’s car, passed it on to police so that they could inform her of what happened so she could inform her insurance company.
DH: Not necessarily, the reg plate was probably burned out.
Me: No it wasn’t, I saw it.
DH: But you said it was completely burned out.
Me: No, that was the other car, the car I’m talking about was next to it and damaged by the fire.
DH: But you were talking about the burned out car.
Me: No I wasn’t, I was talking about the damaged car.
DH: But you didn’t make that clear.
Me: I told you that there was nothing left of the burned out car, it’s the car that was damaged that I’m concerned about.
DH: You were talking about the burned out car.
Me: (increasingly frustrated but not raising my voice) No I wasn’t, my concern was with the woman who returned to her car to find it damaged by fire, if that happened to me I would expect that the fire brigade would have passed on details to the police so that they could contact me with all the information I need to inform my insurance company.
DH: Was there a crime committed?
Me: Well I don’t know what happened.
DH: But you said there was a crime committed.
Me: No I didn’t.
DH: You said the police should be involved therefore a crime was committed.
Me: No I didn’t, I said that the fire brigade could have informed the police so that the owner of the damaged vehicle was made aware and she could call her insurers with full details. That is what I would expect if I was the owner of the vehicle.
DH: If it was a shed that set on fire and damaged the vehicle, would you seek to sue the owner of the shed?
Me: Well, I would expect someone to inform me about the damage to my vehicle caused by a fire that wasn’t anything to do with me and if the fire brigade attended then I would expect them to inform the relevant authorities.
DH: You’re saying a crime has been committed, but what crime has been committed? You’re supposed to be a lawyer!
Me: I never said that. (Walks out of room calmly - no voice raised at any point)
DH: (Follows me out) You’re having a go at me, I’m agreeing with you, what’s your problem?
Me: No problem.
DH: Look, sorry if I’ve upset you, you’re overreacting, I was agreeing with you, I don’t see what your problem is.
Me: I’m fine. I was just trying to have a conversation with you.
DH: Well what are you having a go at me for then? I was trying to have a conversation with you too. I was agreeing with you and then you get all aggressive with me.
•NB AT NO POINT DID I GET AGGRESSIVE
Is he intentionally messing with my head or what?
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
Gaslighting - is it intentional?
AlwaysIroning · 30/05/2018 02:57
I don't think that's gaslighting, it's not like he's trying to manipulate you into thinking things that aren't true, he's just trying to create an argument where none exists. Bloody exhausting, nonetheless
My DP used to do this sometimes and I would point out to him what he was doing; worked out after a while it was just when his mood was turning black and he was going into a depressive state, almost as if he wanted a reason to feel the way he was feeling.
However, I noticed that you commented on your DH's low IQ - have you lost respect for him or have you always felt like he's beneath you? Is this what's making his nit-picking and deliberate argumentative moods more irritating? Not saying that what he's doing isn't wrong or annoying, but that you seem to be looking for a reason for it that paints him in a rather horrible way instead of wondering if he's okay.
Don’t want to miss threads like this?
Weekly
Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!
Log in to update your newsletter preferences.
You've subscribed!
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.