Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Advice please(46 Posts)
Hi I’m new this but always read posts on here. I thought I’d share something that is worrying me so me.
Married for 3 yr two school aged children. Dh got promoted from tools to office less than a yr ago. There was occasional travel for him at the beginning but over the last six months this has become a very regular thing he use to go on Monday morning early but started going Sunday evening. He would go anything between 2-4 days at least once or twice a month. The one day he was away I’d had a car accident after school a dog ran out in front me it was an awful experience I was very Shaken I called him around 9.30am, 9.50am and 10.05am I never got a response and he didn’t return the call til 6pm! He told me his phone was in his bag.
There were a couple of other times when I’d ring and he’d say he was in a meeting - while working away at a different development he would not need to be in a meeting. His there to Train people.
We would have the same routine while he was gone he’d text to say how’s everything then he’d say il call you after dinner. When we spoke it was pretty much all me doing the talking he was so switched off, he would then text to apologise for not been talkative (fine once but this was all the time) the most recent time he was so quiet on the phone I actually felt something was wrong! I spoke to him about this when he would come home with the usual headache, tired he would even go sleep when he got back. He said it’s lonely and boring and that he hated staying away from home.
Well this is where it got strange he wasn’t home 24hrs from the usual trip when we was out one morning together when he looked at his work phone and said “oh I’m back off again Monday (bank holiday) til Thursday” I said I wasn’t happy you’ve just come back and now your going again. Don’t know what he’d arranged with a colleagues but he came home from work the following day saying the course was cancelled he didn’t need to go til Wednesday morning just for one night. I was relieved and after discussing with my sis I arranged childcare for my kids and decided to accompany him for that one night, I thought it was a lovely surprise and couldn’t wait to tell him. When I did he stared out the window of the kitchen thinking I asked what he was doing he said I’m trying to work out how we can do this! I said what do you mean he said I wouldn’t be able to check in without him, but there’s a lovely village so I’d be ok to stroll around there til he finished. He then said ok great I might change the hotel he always stayed at the same hotel very time but now he wanted to change it as there wasn’t a swimming pool at his usual one.
Anyway as the week went on my daughter got a temp I decided I wouldn’t be able to go and I told him I’d come next time he said ok. Then the following day he came home and told me he didn’t need to go over night anymore. He told me they emailed the cancellation I told him this is too strange he got defensive and said I’m gona prove it in a cocky manner he looked for the email on his work phone but it wasn’t there then he said it automatically goes into junk then deletes, he said it will be in my laptop. He always bought his work bag into the house but the following day he didn’t same the day after. Then when I said in convo you never did show me that email I’m curious cos I’d hate it if you just didn’t want me coming Cos your enjoying a few days piece cos that’s the feeling I got. Took him 40 mins of searching his laptop for an email he slammed it shut and said I’m obviously lying cos it’s not in here!
We’ve been together 13 years we’re a young couple. He has been away on his training years ago when we had our first baby he was gone all week and back weekends and I can honestly say during those 2 yrs I never for one second thought any thing like what I think now. I am extremely trusting and open in our relationship. He is attentive but shy with people he don’t know. One thing that’s odd is whenever this one work mate rings my dh says “wife’s here mate”!
He will regularly buy me a gift usually after his been away.
My instincts tell me his lying about something or keeping something from me. Yes I’ve trued talking it usually ends In a row cos he gets all difficult and then I get mad with him cos his putting up a wall.
I thought you said you weren't going with him before he said it was cancelled so he didn't cancel in order to avoid spending time with you.
Do you have a good time together when you are together? Do you generally get on well?
Hi, yes I was unable to go which was good because in my mind there could well have been someone else in which case he would have cancelled with?? if everything was true and innocent do you not think he would have still gone. Very odd to me that the whole week got cancelled day after day and with fact I through a spanner in his usual planned routine all of a sudden he didn’t need to go.
As a family yes we are great, he can snap for small reasons, recently accusing me of cheating out of no where which is totally confusing me. If we go out together it’s the cinema but if we go for a drink if a night he don’t look at me he is always more interested in people around him? He told me to look more sexy? He said I don’t dress up when we go out but when I go out with friends I look lovely which is crap cos I always make an effort but wearing my red Baker 6”heels to cook dinner is never gona happen! He’d say little things like I shouldn’t wear studs hoops are better, just cos I’m a mum and comfy in our relationship I should care more about my appearance! Which I do Im 31 small bust and my style hasn’t changed since I met him.
The whole "you can't check into the hotel without me" and then changing the hotel sounds like he has been staying there with someone else I'm really sorry to say. Very suspicious behaviour - the email "disappearing" too.
It’s exactly what I thought. Thank you for your honest answer. Let’s just say The next time he gets away there won’t be any questions my end just the “happy supporting wife attitude. He will be getting a surprise visit from me and his mum just to make The situation even worse for him.
Oh and when we use the term dh can we mean dickhead instead.
I’m absolutely fine couldn’t be better knowing I’m not the crazy one who was imagining things!!
A surprise visit with you and his mother is a fantastic idea - as long as she doesn't spoil the "surprise"! What an arsehole, and good for you for noticing what's going on!
Dig deeper, it all sounds very suspect to me!
Thanks again. And yeah very true might just keep the surprise to myself!
I don’t want to accuse him of anything without proof, I still can’t be certain what’s going.
Can’t work out if there was someone else with him at that hotel then why ring and text me- I wouldn’t be a very happy mistress if he wasn’t sending time with me?? That part don’t add up yes there was once I had no communication for 7 hours but that’s not regular.
A few things don’t add up to make me suspect an affair I would have thought he’d be more unavailable. He started sending me Pics of him out for a meal with the caption “meal for one” or “lying here lonely watching tv”
Don’t get me wrong I’m 99% suspicious but also trying to be logical and look at it another way.
Is there any snooping you can do? Emails, fb etc? I agree it sounds good that he is calling you etc BUT he could be stepping outside and saying he has work calls to her (classic cheating bastard move). I also find sending pics of "meals for one" a bit like he is trying too hard to say he is alone. But I'm quite a suspicious person so that could just be me!
Yeah there’s always a way if he can lie to me than why not to someone else, I assume if there is someone she would most definitely know his married. There are pictures of our wedding, kids family on his fb and insta.
I have used his phone once a while back before all this to take a pic I did tell him after cos my battery went. I noticed his one mate and him would send a lot of screenshots of random things mostly convos either of them have had.
I couldn’t help but snoop more recently I found a screenshot of a relationship coming to an end, there was a message saying you know the right decision. It was in his photo gallery - which makes me think it was his screenshot? As I’m not aware they automatically save when sent to someone?? The next day I wanted to examine the pic better so had another look it was deleted! From photos and deleted file. One thing I can’t understand is the other ones are still there just that one has gone.
Phone calls, text what’s app all appears clean. Just that one pic has gone. I got a name from the screenshot but it’s not saved in his phone. It’s odd but that makes me feel it was sent to him?
Photos sent on whatsapp are automatically saved, so it might not have been his if a friend sent it on whatsapp. And he could've just been cleaning up his photos. Usually I find that the best places to snoop are the least obvious (although check whatsapp, iMessage and phone calls too) - e.g. His Facebook search bar, insta search bar, sometimes they forget to delete internet sites/history. Deleted emails too. Must be so awful to have these suspicions and no way of confirming - what about calling his regular hotel and pretending you were there with him and left something, see what their reaction is to that?
That’s great advice.
And yeah I can understand clearing out photos but there were others I took a mental note and the only one deleted was that one screenshot.
Yeah it’s horrible but I suppose the damage is done as I don’t trust him so it’s a matter of time for us.
There’s loads of screenshots in his photo album. Simple conclusion he is hiding something cos one has been deleted and it’s then been deleted from the deleted items. Which ironically is always empty now my deleted items gets emptied occasionally maybe when it’s filling up. To delete something and only that something is strange.
Yes I will be ringing the hotel, weird you said that I was gona check the check in times lol
I won’t be asking him as his had 3 chances.
Oh and he hasn’t been on his usual work trip since all this. I can honestly say this is the first month he hasn’t gone since November.
It's very bizarre to just delete one screenshot I agree! I know snooping is very frowned upon on MN but honestly if you have cause for concern (and you do) then digging and snooping will eventually lead you somewhere - sometimes you just have to go a bit further or think outside the box. Also does he know you are onto him? Try to act like everything is fine then he is less likely to be defensive and more likely to slip up. Is he at home at the moment? Sometimes getting their phone while they are asleep is a good one
For me, the stand out part is his phone comment to his mate - “wife’s here mate”. That’s generally code for watch what you’re saying.
Sorry to say this but he does sound disconnected from you and family life. If it was me, I’d be snooping quietly, otherwise he’ll just deny and minimise, oh, and the accusation that you’re cheating is classic projection.
Lol while asleep Il try that
Yeah his at home acting normal only difference is his been here all month! I’m completely normal with him, I had a few discussions earlier in the month where he could have come clean but that’s unlikely.
Can I add I know very personal, but I’m his only serious partner he hasn’t been with anyone before me. Apparently he wasn’t interested in women. Wheather that’s still the case or ever was like I say I always believed him and trusted him with my life so now I might want to question everything he ever told me.
I think you have to go with your gut feeling, what do you think is going on OP? All of these things would have my spidey senses tingling.
Could he be in a relationship with this man? Or just having sex with him? (google men having sex with men , it’s more common than you’d think). His reaction at the wedding was odd. How did they meet?
Met through work. No absolutely not they are both into women the other mate is very much a ladies man loves to share with my dh all his lady issues and dates he’s going on he messages him saying how all the ladies love him. Pmsl now but fair question. Glad Im laughing not crying. (This place is better Than what I wud imagine therapy is)
Can I ask why you say he is disconnected? What gives you that impression?
Sounds like he is having an affair with his mate!
When my dad was cheating, he always met up with his mistress on business trips as she wasn't local. Once my mom and I found out about her (from a credit card receipt, this was the 1970s), it was comical watching him react when either my mom or I would say, I think we will go with you on your trip next week. Oh, the tap dancing that followed.....
Your post reminded me of that. Oh, but this now.... Oh, but that now..... Oh, what do you know, the business trip was cancelled. Of course it was.
Hi yes it does sound like something is going on but I’m certain he isn’t gay. They’d be other signs I would have noticed years ago, I’ve found pictures of naked women in his phone -he says they were sent to him from mates just having a laugh.
I’m sorry to hear what your dad did that must have been the worst for you and your mum.
Bank statements/ receipts all look as they should. Only thing is, I found out he hasn’t been transferring the agreed amount into our joint account he has been putting in £50 less a month and didn’t tell me. I have asked got the usual “I pay for everything I didn’t think it needed to go in there as there’s money left over”. Fine if it was used to help with bills but he could have told me. He ended up making me feel guilty in that convo.
Your gut is telling you something, for sure.
Doesn't sound great Op, not going to lie. Your best bet would be the surprise trip!
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now »
Already registered? Log in with:
Please login first.