How off do things need to be before you should end it?

[DunderingMifflin]

Hi all, sorry it's late.

I have been with my boyfriend (BF) for two years now, and am starting to wonder if I want to stay in this relationship. And if it's okay that I'm even considering ending it. I am 22 and he is nearly 25. We met at university and I have since graduated.

On one hand, he is so kind, sweet, handsome, affectionate, gentle, attentive and everyone likes him. He adores me. Our families get on really well. We have lots in common. In the beginning of our relationship I was extremely insecure and he helped me grow out of that and all the toxic behaviour that came with it. He doesn't watch porn because I asked him not too, and to my knowledge he sticks to it. He sees a future together and I used to too and could still- I never thought someone like him would love me so much.

But. He's a bit lazy and flaky. He still sees himself as 17/18/19. He complains about putting weight on but can't seem to stop himself from eating rubbish. He can be naïve and do embarrassing things as a result- wearing something inappropriate or inadvertently offending someone. He has had a difficult time lately and has needed so much emotional support it's exhausting. When I have emotional needs generally it ends up becoming about him (when I told him I was sexually assaulted, I had to soothe him because he was so upset and angry). I'm not as attracted to him as I used to be. I'm torn between the thought of him being the best loveliest man I could ever be with and to break up with him would be committing myself to tinder wankers and being used forever; and then dreading the idea of never being with anyone else until I die.

Whenever I try to talk to someone I trust about this, they seem to say that I need to support him and get through it. I just don't know. I don't know. Oh god what would I even say?!? He would be completely blindsided and I don't have a good reason. I feel terrible for even thinking these things.

Am I being unreasonable?? I just need someone impartial to tell me, everyone who knows him thinks he's brilliant so they tell me to stay with him. Am I just having a wobble? Does that happen? Am I a bad person for finding other people attractive? He loves me so much. How could I break up with him if there's nothing wrong??

[DonaldsTrump]

If it doesn’t feel right now it’s not. Much better than spending 5, 10, 20 years together and knowing it’s not right. The longer it goes on the harder it will get to break up. Doing it now is kinder to both of you. You’re so lucky to be so young.

[gingerbreadbiscuits]

Your not happy then it is best for all involved that you end it now.

[MiddleClassProblem]

I think the trouble is you think of him as “the best loveliest man you could ever be with” but not someone you’re in love with or connected with. You’re saying that he’s what should be right because he’s nice etc but he’s evidently not right for you. Your main fears seem to be about being single and not finding anyone else.

You’re 22. There’s plenty of time and plenty of other ways to meet people than Tinder.

Maybe he will be right for you in the future but to me it sounds like he has been a great support and helped you evolve to the next stage of your life but he hasn’t evolved himself.

It’s hard to break up when there’s no bad feeling but it’s worse to stay and then still feel like this x years down the line.

[NotTheFordType]

"Tinder wankers and being used forever"
You're in your TWENTIES!
You literally have decades to find someone else, someone who is an actual adult.

[tararabumdeay]

'He's a bit lazy and flaky.'

This will not change. You need to move on.

[Thespringsthething]

You have stopped fancying him and you are fed up of supporting him. You don't have to stay with him, why would he be the only guy in the world who would be into you? Just be honest with yourself and him about it.

[Cawfee]

You are only 20! Some people meet their partners when they are in their 40s or 50s. You got years yet!! You don’t have to meet somebody on tinder! Just join lots of clubs and you’ll meet somebody that way but if I was your age, I’d save up money for a year and then go travelling.

[HollyBollyBooBoo]

Listen to your gut instinct is the best piece of advice I could ever give you. It doesn't feel right so please don't keep going with it. You have your whole life to find someone amazing!

[TooTrueToBeGood]

Choosing the right life partner is possibly the single biggest decision any of us make, yet so many of us get it wrong and conciously settle for mediocre or even just plain shit. You wouldn't (hopefully) buy a car that only met 50 or 60% of your requirements so why stay with a partner that only ticks half your boxes? You should be head over heals in love, you're not even happy.

[category12]

You've outgrown him. It happens.

Time to move on.

[Eolian]

And if it's okay that I'm even considering ending it

Of course it's ok. You can end a relationship for whatever reason you want. Even a totally trivial one. Though it sounds like your reasons are perfectly sensible.

[PlumsGalore]

category12

What you say!

[Ryder63]

I echo category12 too! also - you can end a relationship for any reason or none. Please don't feel 'obliged' to stay with someone out of fear of hurting their feelings. He may be hurt for a while - but he's young and will move on.

Your first duty is to YOURSELF. You'll be with YOU for the rest of your life - no choice. But you DO have a choice on who you spend that life with.

[Xiolablueviolet]

Now you've seen this you can't unsee it. Agree with pp re out growing him. He's immature. That will continue to grate on you and only get worse.

Leave on good terms now. In 10 years he may have grown up a bit and you can give him another try.

[Melliegrantfirstlady]

Ask him for a trial separation

Tell him you’re have doubts and need to work on yourself

Ask for a month

[madeyemoodysmum]

Bless you. It's hard in this situation but it sounds like your no longer connected

I had 3 serious boyf before finding my dh and he isn't perfect either lol.

But this was before tinder etc
I feel for you guys today

I wouldn't go straight on to tinder if you do split. Be single for a bit enjoy time with friends join a club of some sort. Sport or arty. Depending on your interests. Being single will enable you to find yourself with a man clouding your judgement. You are very young and have loads of time. Believe me at nearly 50 I know .

[madeyemoodysmum]

Without a man clouding judgement that should read. Mumsnet needs an edit button!

[Sugarplumps]

My personal rule is, when you start asking your friends if you should dump him, the answer is yes. It is totally reasonable at your age to move on. I had a great boyfriend from 17-22 who helped me through hard times like yours and now fifteen years later we've reconnected and are good friends.

[BootyO]

“he is so kind, sweet, handsome, affectionate, gentle, attentive”

But you said he reacted with anger when you told him about your assault. That doesn’t sound very gentle or kind. You were at the point where you NEEDED his support but instead he made it about his feelings and presumably made you feel worse not better.

If you’re with him forever other bad things may happen, will he always react like that? In a crisis, you don’t want an angry shouty man around.

[DunderingMifflin]

Hi, thank you all for responding so quickly. I feel relief and dread at the fact that your responses are unanimous. BootyO- when I told him he was upset and angry for me, rather than angry at me. He had an angry cry which I then comforted rather than stomping round the room if that makes sense.

I just can't imagine finishing it. We have a lot of the same friends, in the first year and a half of our relationship I was so sure I wanted to be with him forever and I told him so. I feel like ending things would make me a bitch and a liar and upset so many people. I'm really frightened that my friends and family will think I've done badly by him in breaking up with him and judge me.

Oh god I feel like I just can't?!?! He would be so blindsided and heartbroken and he loves me so much and he hasnt done anything wrong. And I haven't given any indication that there's a problem because he is going through a really hard time at the moment. I feel like a liar.

I'm also worried that I'm feeling like this because I'm coming out the side of a very loooong ugly duckling phase and I'm starting to have those little chemistry moments with people I meet and it's exciting and I've never had that before. But what if I'm making that feeling up? What if no one ever loves me like he loves me?

I'm sorry I'm so dramatic, I know it's ridiculous. My defence is that all I can tentatively say to people in person is that I'm finding it frustrating to have to support him so much and then immediately they tell me how to support him instead of helping me with how I feel. It's a relief to ask people other than myself these things.

Thank you all for taking the time to help me- I wish I could talk to my own mum about this but I just can't

[DunderingMifflin]

I'm just so tired of being 'the bad guy' in the relationship! He is always the kind and reasonable one and I'm the one who creates all the drama and makes life difficult and I'm doing it again now. I don't feel like I'm a bad person but he is just so nice that I'm always the villain. And I'm doing it again now in thinking of leaving. I always try to do the right thing and yet I still end up being the baddie.

[Toofle]

Your mum, and other people, support you in staying with him because they have no idea you actually want to move on. They may have reservations about him too. They might be relieved that you've noticed at last.

[category12]

Angry crying about your assault isn't being the kind & reasonable, non-dramatic one. It's all about him..

People will support the status quo because they think that's what you want and it's kinda uncomfortable when friends break up. But that's not a reason to stay.

This is your life and you only get the one. You are only 22 - it's in no way unusual for a relationship not to turn out to be the lifetime one. You'll wind up resenting him and it'll end far more unkindly than this.

[hopingforhappiness]

Wait a minute. Who says or makes you feel like you're the bad guy/making a "drama"? Are you made to feel guilty often?

[WorldWideWanderer]

You aren't a bad person for thinking about ending it, get that our of your head. That comes from the "women should be the ones to put up with everything/support everyone else/work harder to make it better".
You are an adult, an EQUAL partner in any relationship. You have an equal right to support, happiness, joy etc. If it isn't working for you, you need to sit down and talk about it, as two adults, no blame, just each being able to describe what you want from each other, and what you are prepared (and able) to give to each other. If you can't do this....or you're made to feel the one in the 'wrong' for attenpting to, then the relationship is already unbalanced and needs some building. Or ending.

You asked how 'off' things should be before ending it. I would say, once you aren't getting anything out of it anymore. Once a relationship becomes one person doing all the running around, supporting, having to adapt etc., and this is a permanent thing (not temporary due to the other person having an illness or whatever) then you're getting nothing in return. It's unequal. You need to think about the future....will the current state of affairs change?
Just because someone is kind, affectionate and a generally 'good' person doesn't mean it's a good relationship if it isn't working.