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My DH just did something awful

(73 Posts)
SOSfeelSick Mon 28-May-18 01:05:59

I’m physically shaking, I don’t know what to do.

My partner is my carer (I have autism) and is an all round nice guy. Great with our dc, does the lion share of the house work and is very kind usually.

But tonight he was a bit mean all night, though he said it was my autism making me misunderstand and it was only jokes. It felt like he was listing an ll the things he doesn’t like about me.

Then suddenly he started wanting sex. But I was still annoyed and didn’t want to. He kept pestering me for reasons why. To be fair it is usually me that initiates sex as I have a higher sex drive than him, but I just didn’t want to. He’d upset me and I didn’t feel ‘in the mood’.

We’ve both had a drink (him more so) so I thought I’d pretend to be asleep. Just so he would stop bugging me about sex.

He didn’t stop. He pulled me into a lying down position on the sofa and took my pj bottoms off.

I feels so ducking stupid. I didn’t say anything at first. I didn’t move, I just froze. I thought he was lying me down to sleep at first.

When he took my pj bottoms off I panicked and said a random phrase (something about chickens) so he’d ‘know’ I was definitely asleep and would stop.

He didn’t. It went on for just under an hour and finished on a very degrading way that wouldn’t happen usually. At one point I said ‘no I don’t want you to touch me’ but I didn’t open my eyes so maybe he thought I was still aslee?

I don’t feel upset really, more detached, I do feel confused and violated.

I don’t understand why I didn’t move? I don’t know why he would do this?

I don’t know why I didn’t just get up and punch him in the face and walk out with ds. I feel like I should have done that. He’s never been violent, so I don’t know why I was too sacred to let him know I was awake.

He is sleeping now. He cleaned me and pulled up my pj bottoms again before leaving. He’s going to pretend this never happened isn’t he?

I don’t know what to do. I can’t just leave.

ew1990 Mon 28-May-18 01:11:44

I'm so sorry this has happened op - he has raped you. Is there Anybody you can go and stay with?

NeverLovedElvis Mon 28-May-18 01:14:34

flowers I'm so sorry. What a scumbag your husband is. He may well try to pretend nothing happened, but that doesn't mean you have to go along with that.
What do you want to happen next?

1stTimeMumofOne Mon 28-May-18 01:16:15

Please consider taking your DC and stay with a family member or a friend for a night or for however long it takes until you decide what to do.

I am so sorry he has done this to you.. this is rape. Please let somebody know what has happened to get you support x

Catastrophik Mon 28-May-18 01:16:17

Oh, OP. Can you get somewhere safe tonight? Don’t worry about waking anyone up if that place is the house of a family member

Snakie Mon 28-May-18 01:16:46

I too am very sorry this has happened to you.
I don’t think they are open now, but this might be of use and you could call them tomorrow for support / advice

SOSfeelSick Mon 28-May-18 01:16:58

I don’t know what I can do. I can’t go anywhere and I need him.

He’s snoring and I’m so angry I can’t sleep. I’ve never been this angry before.

tava63 Mon 28-May-18 01:20:43

I am so so sorry this happened to you. I don't know how to advise you but think you should talk this through with Women's Aid. Our bodies can naturally freeze in stressful situations so don't feel confused about that. The freeze response by you was also likely because you could not process his behaviour. His behavior is what to focus on and he needs to account for it to you. You will get a lot of support from others who are more knowledgeable than me - you are not alone we are here for you.

Saturdayselling Mon 28-May-18 01:22:12

Oh god OP. I'm so sorry this has happened. It's devastating reading it. It must be horrendous. It's not your fault in any way. Women often freeze. You were being attacked. This is not your fault.

SOSfeelSick Mon 28-May-18 01:26:07

I’m really bad at talking in person or on the phone. I clam up and can’t get my words out even at the best of times.

I’ll see if there’s an email contact for those services, thank you.

I’ve pulled a bean bag into ds’s room. I can’t stand to look at his snoring face anymore.

Saturdayselling Mon 28-May-18 01:33:30

Oh, OP. I'm heartbroken for you. Have you got anyone to tell in real life?

SOSfeelSick Mon 28-May-18 01:45:10

I could tell my mum but then I know she gets worried and has said before I won’t cope on my own. I think with my rota’s I’d be ok actually.

Something similar to this has happened before but dh convinced me it really was an honest mistake and he didn’t know I was saying no. I had the same thoughts then about how it is probably nothing and I shouldn’t mess everything up but it feels bad.

I don’t know if I can leave but I can’t stand the thought of this happening again. I thought he loved me, how can you do this to someone you love or even respect just a little bit?!

nocoolnamesleft Mon 28-May-18 01:46:24

Oh hell. I'm sorry. He has raped you. And he has done so knowing that you struggle to explain things to people, so he thinks he's safe. He's taking advantage of your autism to abuse you.

MustShowDH Mon 28-May-18 01:51:16

I'm so sorry OP.

I have no words of comfort right now, but didn't want to read and run.


Stillme1 Mon 28-May-18 01:54:55

This is so awful for you. I am sorry it has happened. None of us can change what has already happened but we can change the future. You may feel that you need this man in your life but you can manage on your own. What you don't need in your life is someone who will treat you so badly. You said it went on for just under an hour and ended in a degrading way! I am not sure exactly what you mean but it sounds really horrible.
As others have said you need to get yourself and the DCs away from this. If this man was so intent on carrying on in this manner what would have happened if one of the DCs got up? This is not something you should live with nor should your DCs.
Find someone you can stay with or go to Women's Aidbut don't hang around with this sort of man

likelyLilac Mon 28-May-18 01:56:42

Is there any one you could go to in your local area? If not then spending some time in ds's room seems like a good idea, children can be a very calming influence.
I hope you know that you did nothing wrong, your partner is entirely to blame for what happened.
Please do get in contact with a professional service, there they can help you through your emotions and your next steps.Also if you want to report this to the police the NHS suggest not washing or changing clothes to preserve evidence. I'm afraid all I can offer is my biggest sympathies , please keep your self safe and sane for tonight.

Gamecharger Mon 28-May-18 01:58:52

Hi OP how awful-you must tell someone in person-if you can't say it, would writing it down to give to someone help? Please do something. Mums always worry about their dcs whatever age they are. Try to tell her-I'm sure she would rather know than have you struggle with this.

SOSfeelSick Mon 28-May-18 02:01:10

I don’t know. I nearly got in the shower and put my pj’s in the washing machine but have stopped for a while to think.

I am angry, and I want to go to the police and have him locked away where he can’t do this to me again. But rationally that’s unlikely to happen isn’t it? And once I start with the police there is no going back is there? Everyone will know what happened.

rosylea Mon 28-May-18 02:01:26

If your mum worries, then she cares about you. If you were my dd I'd want to know and support you. You haven't done anything wrong. Go to mum's with dc and take it from

Italiangreyhound Mon 28-May-18 02:07:02

I'm so sorry this has happened.

Your mum needs to know. She can help you. I am a mum too and I would want to know if anything like this happened to my child.

'He cleaned me and pulled up my pj bottoms again before leaving.' I do not know if you want to report this or not but even if he cleaned you (would he do that normally?) there may still be evidence.

Whatever you decide to do is right for you.

Italiangreyhound Mon 28-May-18 02:09:42

'And once I start with the police there is no going back is there? Everyone will know what happened.' I really do not know the answer to that but could you speak to or email the rape crisis centre?

likelyLilac Mon 28-May-18 02:14:42

The most important people in this situation are you and your dc, you need put yourselves first. Your mum may worry, but thats what mums are for, you need support.
You have said you think you will be fine with out him, you know you best, this there for probably true and you don't need him, even if you do need support there are services and other people who will not hurt you like this or make you feel like this.
I can't tell you whether reporting to the police is the right descision for you, but I would recomend preserving evidence so you can keep your options open for when your head has cleared slightly.

Stillme1 Mon 28-May-18 02:15:49

You could go to the Police Station or Women's Aid or any such place and show this thread if you find it difficult to talk face to face

TammySwansonTwo Mon 28-May-18 02:20:40

So sorry OP, your reactions are all completely normal. Please call rape crisis, they are used to people being unable to talk when they’re so traumatised. I know it feels impossible right now but you can leave. I have a friend in a similar situation, her partner is her carer and he does this too, and she is taking steps to get out. You don’t have to do all this at once. Take one step at a time.

IlikemyTeahot Mon 28-May-18 02:31:13

How incredibly sad. SOSfeelSick I'm sorry this happened to you.
You no longer 'need' this man in your life. That is not acceptable behaviour of someone who is supposed to be caring for you. He has taken advantage of you in the worst way possible.

Please dont be afraid to talk to your mum.
And please dont worry what anyone else thinks about you.

You've done the right thing by seeking support here but you must speak to someone in real life about this, sooner than later.

Put your P.J's and any underwear in a bag and hide them away.
Try and get a little rest and come up with a clear plan in the morning.

If you decide to confront him is he likely to dismiss it?
Would it be worth waiting until you have spoken to someone about it before you confront him?

If possible arrange some childcare for your D'S and go to see your mum tomorrow.
Take evidence with you, tell Mum what you want to do and ask her to accompany you to report this.

Is your mum available to step in as your carer?
If not, perhaps she can request a care assement from adult SS to see how you can be supported.


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