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I've lost everything.

(21 Posts)
knewme Sun 27-May-18 22:06:01

Two weeks ago I fled my home because of domestic abuse and possible sexual abuse to my son.
In a split second I lost my home, my husband, my friends and my life I had spent the last 5 years building.
I can deal with myself and all the sensible issues. But what I can't deal with is what do I tell my son? When he asks why he can't see his dad... I can't tell him because his dad sexually groomed him. All those questions and curiosities he will have as he grows... what on earth am I going to tell him?
It would have been so much easier on us all of he had died when he had his hemorrage... as cruel as that sounds it woukd have saved the pain of my children with this situation. My 11 yo daughter knows everything and I will never forgive my husband for that. How can love turn to hate so quickly?

If you had asked me a month ago I would have told you j had married my best friend. Now looking back I realised I was abused and controlled.and my poor children.... How have I put them in this situation without even realising. Life is such a mess. I have lost everything in a blink of an eye.

ahouseofleaves Sun 27-May-18 22:11:11

Couldn't read and run. I wish I had advice. I don't. But I want to say that I think what you did was incredibly brave. You did what you had to, but it takes strength to do.

Good luck to you and your children flowers

Namethecat Sun 27-May-18 22:12:05

You don't mention the age of your son. He may well not remember the sexual abuse but it can manifest itself in later years. If you haven't already been in contact with ss it might be an idea to take advice. Also hopefully the police are dealing with this. Do not allow him to get away with it and potentially do this to other children. Sorry this has happened to your family.

Babdoc Sun 27-May-18 22:19:57

You haven’t lost everything, OP. You still have your self respect, your children, your safety and the knowledge that you absolutely did the right thing in getting out, to protect all of you.
Give yourself a big hug and feel proud of yourself. There are some mothers who refuse to believe their partner is abusing the kids, or who collude in it, or blame the child.
You are probably still a bit in a state of shock, and it will take time for you to come to terms with what’s happened and start to build up your new life. But I’m sure you will manage fine, because you’ve taken that first difficult step. My prayers for your much happier future, OP. God bless.

stormymcstormface Sun 27-May-18 22:21:14

You haven’t lost everything. You’re the most important person in those two children’s life. You will work out what to say to your son - because you know that you have done it for him.

I am so proud of you. You are so strong to have done what you’ve done.

You will be grieving a loss- it’s like a bereavement. It will take a lot of time. Just deal with each day as it comes- don’t look too far forward- and, right this second, don’t worry about looking too far back. That will come.

Reach out to every organisation you can find - call women’s aid, the nspcc- google resources in your local area. Get an anonymous account for twitter and other social media - there are some amazing support groups out there.

Try and get some exercise if you can. The practical stuff is great- keep busy. You will rebuild your life - but not tomorrow. It will tak time- for now- one step in front of each other.

knewme Sun 27-May-18 22:47:14

Thank you everyone. My son will be 2 in July so won't remember hopefully. But then that's where the curiosity comes in. I guess I'll find some story to tell him that will hurt less than the truth.

Social services have been involved and are very pleased with our situation now. They visited once and have written a report for the police and closed the case. The police don't hold much hope for a conviction as there isn't enough evidence. But time will tell. Who knew it all took so long.
I have never felt so isolated, ashamed and alone in my life. No one in my family understands exactly what I'm going through. No one understands that when I look at photos of my husband I miss him with all my heart but I know I can never even speak to him again. I never got to even say goodbye. No one knows that the man looking back at me in the photos looks like an imposter and I don't even recognise who he is. No one understands that the last 5 years feel like one of those really vivid dreams that feels rral but never happened. But in reality the pain is real. The anger and hurt and shame and niaviry was all real. Makes me wonder why I ever brought children into such a cruel world. Makes me want to lock us all up in a bubble away from it all. Now I have to try and trust myself to decipher what is real and what was programmed into me over the last few years.

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 Sun 27-May-18 23:36:40

Jesus that is horrendous. I'm so sorry

Spottybotty14 Sun 27-May-18 23:47:32

I have no advice, but you sound like a strong person who has done the best possible thing for their children. You will find a way to get through this.
Take any help that you can. Sending flowers

NWQM Sun 27-May-18 23:47:50

Be gentle with yourself and remember how brave you have already been. Deal with the practicalities to keep busy. Give yourself time to heal. Sending every best wish.

Knittedfairies Sun 27-May-18 23:56:30

You haven’t lost everything; you have your children, your self-respect and your courage and strength 💐

yellowpaper Mon 28-May-18 00:13:30

OP are you sure it was sexual abuse? I’m so so sorry for what you are going through. You are incredibly strong and will emerge from this ferocious in ensuring your children are always your first priority. No child can ask for more.

I work with abused children and 9/10 times they don’t have the support of their parents in reporting the abuse. You are a wonderful woman.

DyslexicNotThick Mon 28-May-18 00:17:29

Tough times OP, I'm sorry you are going through this. Like (unfortunately) many other women, you will one day look back with awe at how you got through this next phase of your life. It will involve tears, hate, despair, and then one day you will surprise yourself by laughing at something. Tears follow again and anger may follow again but that's a normal part of the process.

It is important to acknowledge to yourself that although it feels shit, it is absolutely the right thing to have done. I found thinking about my future in three phases helpful...short, medium and long term. Housing, finances, childcare, work etc. The long term was too hard to sort so i just focused on short term - today, or in a stronger moment this week- initially and then medium term eg 6 months.

With regards to what you tell your son, my dc was two when we split too. I told my child that "Dad just wasn't able to be a good Dad, and you deserve to have people in your life who are good enough and treat you properly" leading onto to prompting them to talk about who our trusted people are such family and friends, and what treating someone properly looks like. E.g Aunty X always listens when I'm sad and she makes me laugh too. Friend Y is helpful and kind.
That sufficed for a number of years, until they were about 8 or 9, when the questions became more in depth...older siblings have shared snippets and I don't censor them, their truth is important and valid too. The timing of questions can ebb and flow, so they may not ask for 6 months then ask every day for 2 weeks. But I go with the flow and have learned to trust my own judgement after doing a lot of recovery work. So far this has worked and dc is a happy, well balanced child with strong self esteem and shows self worth in their own relationships with friends.
Most importantly the former two yr old is no longer damaged by the abuse that they were being exposed to, and I hope will grow up into an emotionally healthy adult.

You've done well to make the break, look after yourself so you can look after DC, and give yourself credit for the strong stance you have taken to protect yourself and your DC.

Ohyesiam Mon 28-May-18 00:30:17

I’m so so sorry op . Keep coming on here and talking to get support. I hope you realise how amazingly strong you are . You are always going to have such a strong bond with your children because of what you have done for them.

I was abused by a family member, it was right under everyone’s noses, but no one wanted to see. I couldn’t tell, but i said some veiled things and was laughed at.
It’s wonderful that you have protected your children, there is nothing better or higher that you could ever do for them.
Wishing you all the strength in the world.

Myheartbelongsto Mon 28-May-18 01:05:46

I'm so sorry this is happening to you and your son. What a lucky boy he is to have you as his mother!

I would get professional help op with this one. Social services can out you in touch, give a referral maybe. Best of luck to you and your family.

Geordiegirl1988 Mon 28-May-18 04:20:25

Are you sure he was sexually abused erm what a silly question !

I'm So sorry op that your going through this xx

Suresurelah Mon 28-May-18 06:24:45

You have not lost everything. You have lost a life that was not the reality you thought it were.

Get as much advise/support/counselling as you can, I’m surprised that SS didn’t offer you anything?

flowers

MakeMineATwin Mon 28-May-18 06:47:37

Hi op. First of all let me say you have absolutely 100% done the best thing a mother could do for yourself and your dc!

Your 2 year old ds will not remember those horrific things and when he asks about his dad I would tell him that he wasn't a good man and you are all much happier living together as you are. You have shown how much you love and care about your dc and that will be all they need.

I wish you and your dc all the best. Things can only get better from now onthanks

isthismylifenow Mon 28-May-18 07:20:02

Hi Knew

Gosh what an awful situation to be in.

You have not lost everything. Material things possibly, but you have your children. You will move forward and replace those things that money can buy, and you will still have your children by your side.

I do think you should push for counselling though, for all of you. Maybe some play therapy for your baby. You hold you head high as you know that you have done the very best thing for YOU and your children.

Good luck Knew, please keep posting, it helps to get things off your chest, even if it is to a bunch of strangers.

knewme Tue 29-May-18 21:35:17

Thank you everyone for giving me somewhere to vent and talk to people.

Feeling very down today, just empty and short tempered and feel like I am going through life as a robot. I keep trying to tell myself to enjoy every moment but it's hard.

My mum asked dd (11) if she was happy today and she said yes in an exaggerated way. Then mum asked her if I seemed happier and she said yes in the same way then she asked about my son and my daughter just shrugged and said yeah.

How did I not know we were all so unhappy. The only reason I left was because of the sexual stuff with my son. It's only afterwards talking to the police that they made me see the domestic abuse. And I had no idea my daughter was unhappy at all.

I must have been going through life as a zombie the last few years.

But still I miss him. I keep picking up my phone expecting to see a text or missed call. I keep going to tell him about something I thought of or did. I keep going to ask if he wants something from the shops. Every move I make I have to stop myself contacting him.

I'm so frustrated at myself. But I can't get away from myself.

I keep thinking about and dreading what's to come in the short future. Eurgh.

Suresurelah Wed 30-May-18 02:19:16

Don’t get frustrated.

You have been manipulated and conditioned, hence why you had not realised that you were being abused also. This conditioning is why, you keep checking your phone etc.

This will stop when the anger sets in. This is why you must seek Councelling/therapy to help process what has happened to you.

Look at the freedom programme and the Lundy ‘why does he do that’ book.

Fuckwithnosensesauce Wed 30-May-18 03:51:04

I am not sure you have completely processed what has happened yet and you are speaking almost as a rejected wife kissing her errant husband.you life before was not a life to miss. Your children were suffering and you should give thanks every day for having the courage to remove them from the horror of your husband. Imagine how your daughter must have suffered as well as your baby boy.

Don’t miss this vile piece of child abusing shit- be happy that he is no longer sexually abusing your children. See him for what he is. This pervert probably picked you because you had a young child already.

Please ask for some help to understand how this man groomed you and forget the fantasy he spun you. To protect your children, you need to face up to what he really did. Paedophiles often look for vulnerable women who have been with abusing men previously, especially if they have young children. You are the only one who can make sure this doesn’t happen again to your daughter or son.

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