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Affair recovery AIBU

(14 Posts)
Strugglingwithaffair Sun 27-May-18 18:21:06

I’ve posted on this board before and have had so much great advice so I’m hoping for some perspective now.
Basically h had a 9 month affair which ended 7 months ago. He confessed all. The beginning was the usual drip feed of information but I’m confident I have the truth now.
He moved out and we still live separately although we have always been in close contact because of the dc.
We are attempting to reconcile. He’s done all the right things-given me a timeline of the affair, let me check emails etc, shown complete remorse, is completely apologetic etc etc. We are having joint counselling and have also had individual.
He spent the first few months where I felt he was missing the affair/her friendship but now he says it’s all behind him and he doesn’t want to think about it.
We’ve had some lovely times both together and as a family as well as lots of emotional talks. Communication is better than it has ever been.
But I’m struggling still. I love him, I fancy him but I’m struggling to forgive him. I’m very up and down still, some days feeling positive, other days wanting to walk away. He’s finding this increasingly difficult and feels that he’s doing and has done everything he can yet I seem to want more.
So I guess that’s the AIBU? Am I causing further damage to the marriage by being so stressed and anxious or should he continue to be understanding and accept this is part of recovery.
Any advice from anyone who’s been there would be greatly appreciated.

Robin233 Sun 27-May-18 18:27:13

It's still such early days.
One day at a time.
It will get better x

Strugglingwithaffair Sun 27-May-18 18:30:29

Do you really think 7 months is early days still? In some ways it feels it because it’s still or so raw but in other ways it feels like it’s been ages.

itsadventuretime Sun 27-May-18 19:08:48

I’m two years after a 3-month EA DH had (well, he says it was just emotional). It still hurts...

TeacupTattoo Sun 27-May-18 20:12:43

Grief has stages, your DH cannot comment on how long it takes you to feel more peaceful within the relationship again...you have to work out new dynamics for your romantic partnership as well as your family interactions. I wish you the very best of luck.

another20 Sun 27-May-18 21:00:59

The clock of recovery only starts ticking after the last lie or omission. When was that? You have so many more milestones to go through (anniversary of DD, anniversaries of days/events/dates he was cheating) anything can trigger you. You need to get it all out - it is never fully over, but fades over time - 2 years minimum......from the last lie.

another20 Sun 27-May-18 21:04:28

....he needs to respect and support you as he brought this hurt to you.

Someone on here said that after a while - she saved up her questions for him to one time a week to manage it from consuming every waking hour.

Always remember that his guilt is nowhere on the scale of your pain....and he had lots of fun in his affair.

Strugglingwithaffair Sun 27-May-18 21:05:06

another You’re so right about the triggers. They come when I least expect it. He’s pretty good at dealing with them and the counsellor is trying to help me deal with them in a better way.

teacup I like that word peaceful. That’s exactly how I’d like to feel.

Sugarplumps Sun 27-May-18 21:07:48

Recovery comes in waves, it isn't linear. The ups will become more frequent over time as the downs lessen. Be kind to yourself.

MummaBear90 Sun 27-May-18 21:11:13

I had an emotional affair 3 and half years ago and although my partner has forgiven me I know he has not forgotten.
He is much less tolerant of me now and will check my phone from time to time. I now he loves me and wants to forget what I did (we have since had a ds) but it is difficult.
My job (and your dh’s) is to understand that people deal with things in there own time and that we hurt the person we are meant to love more than anything.
It is a lot easier for me (and I expect your dh) to move on and deal with the guilt as we weren’t the ones who are hurting.
You have to decide if your relationship is worth fighting for, and if it is speak to your dh and make it clear you’ll deal with it in your own way

Strugglingwithaffair Mon 28-May-18 08:37:38

mummabear thank you for sharing your story. I think the relationship is worth saving but as you say the tolerance goes.
I just can’t imagine us surviving another 12/18 months of me feeling like this. Because it just feels that I’m hurting him and hurting our marriage but at the same time I can’t let go of the hurt.
As always, it is so reassuring to know what I’m feeling is normal.

category12 Mon 28-May-18 08:49:57

Well his affair went on 2 months longer than he's expecting recovery to take?

7 months isn't long. He smashed your trust and made the relationship feel like a lie. So yes, it's going to take a while.

Angelf1sh Mon 28-May-18 09:00:19

You are not hurting your marriage OP, you are trying to get over the hurt he caused to it. He will just have to accept that.

Mytwistedimagination Mon 28-May-18 10:15:56

2-5 years is approximately how long it takes to get over it, I've read. I'm only nearly a month on from finding out, and still don't feel I know the whole truth yet. What makes you confident you have the truth? Obviously I'm hoping you do, but maybe there is still some element of doubt associated with this which is still worrying you? How long ago did the last of it get admitted?
I completely identify with the ups and downs. He has no right to be impatient with how you feel at any point during reconciliation. That's the price he pays for causing this in the first place.

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