Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Wish he didn't have a child

(87 Posts)
Ribrabrob Sun 27-May-18 02:12:09

I'm in a fairly new relationship with somebody quite a lot older than me (by 20 years). I love him, I think he's great, he treats me fantastically but there's one thing I'm finding so hard: he has a 12 year old daughter. She doesn't live with him, in fact she lives in a different country, however I can't help but feel jealous every time he speaks to her on the phone, goes to visit her, even mentions her etc etc. I feel awful for thinking it, but I wish he didn't have a child. I don't want to have to share his love and affection. I don't want him to love her more than he loves me. I feel absolutely pathetic for feeling this way, but just I can't help it.

Whilst it's still early days, we have spoken about having our own children. I never used to want them but recently changed my mind and know that I do, however I can't help but feel sad that he's already been there, done that.

How can I get over my feelings and move forward? I try and convince myself that it's fine and it's good that he's a good dad, however the majority of the time it upsets me. I'm scared it's going to ruin our relationship further down the line and cause resentment, however I do love him and would love to be with him for a really long time. I'm just scared that the jealousy will eat away at me, so I really want to get over it. It's strange because I've never really been a jealous person up until now.

I already know that I'm ridiculous (and perhaps immature) for feeling like this, but I'm just looking for some constructive advice please. Has anybody ever been in this situation and how did you move on?

Thank you.

Tobesoconfused Sun 27-May-18 02:15:28

Have you met hi daughter? Maybe that would help you feel different, if you actually got to meet her?

Bitchywaitress Sun 27-May-18 02:17:44

Easy, get a brand new man, not a second hand used version.

Sorry if that came across a bit harsh, but it's the only way round your troubles.

Grasslands Sun 27-May-18 02:57:21

i wonder if you are emotionally ready for the relationship. honestly most men have a mother aunt or other family that they truly deeply love.

Picklepickle123 Sun 27-May-18 03:03:05

I think you need to take a long hard look at what you want from this relationship. What struck me was that you didn't want children before, but now you do? Is it because you're subconsciously trying to compete with his daughter? The relationship is fairly new but you'll need to consider the possibility the daughter may want to come and live with him at some point, maybe for university? What will you do then?

vodkaredbullgirl Sun 27-May-18 03:14:18

easy date a guy with no kids

PrivateDancers Sun 27-May-18 03:20:03

You sound very young.. There isn't a way round it really. His daughter isn't going anywhere. Your dp has probably picked up on your jealousy already

AjasLipstick Sun 27-May-18 03:24:55

I think it's brave of you to admit this and it's the first step towards getting over it.

Have you not had much to do with kids before now?

It might help you to watch some documentaries about children and in particular, children who have a rough time in life. I say this because that will help you to understand how vulnerable kids are.

They need everyone around them to be their advocate and their ally. Without that, they really can suffer.

heartyrebel Sun 27-May-18 03:26:56

I felt like this when I was younger. Really felt insecure about a child from a previous relationship and how that would ruin my ideal of the perfect family.
Now I'm older and have a child it wouldn't worry me in the least.
You're in two different stages of life .

likelyLilac Sun 27-May-18 03:44:10

Jealousy is a nasty bug and it's hard to shake, though I've never been in your particular situation, i have been known to be a bit green.
I think that it might be difficult for you to see that the love he has for you and the love he has for his child is entirely different. He isn't going to run out of love for you by loving his child. Try to talk to him about his daughter and be interested in her as a person, not just an abstract thing that takes his attention of you, and when hes talking about his daughter try to imagine him talking in the same way about your children in the future.
most importantly though i think you need to check that you are ready for such an intense and mature relationship right now, maybe try backing of for a little bit to let your emotions settle and take your future vision goggle off for a bit. with a few months to let those intense, new love feelings sit your jealousy will fade.

Coyoacan Sun 27-May-18 04:05:24

I think it's brave of you to admit this and it's the first step towards getting over it

I agree. My dd had a bf with children and though she would never have dreamed of admitting those feelings to him she also felt jealous. I have no advice about how to get over those feelings, but if you cannot accept that his dd is much more important than especially during adolescence, you would do well to walk away.

The80sweregreat Sun 27-May-18 04:26:59

YABU here.

I would be thinking hard about staying in this relationship as his child is never just going to go away from his life and thats how it should be.

Iwasjustabouttosaythat Sun 27-May-18 04:29:25

1) No, he isn’t a good dad. He doesn’t even live in the same country as his own child. He took off, left the woman who carried his child for 9 months to raise her alone. Every day that woman takes her to and from school, dresses her, feeds her, gives her love, helps her through all the troubles in her life. This man calls and visits sometimes. He is NOT a good dad and you would be an idiot to have children with a man who has a history of leaving women to do all the work.

2) He’s a creepy old man. 20 years? Seriously? Was he taking his daughter to the playground the same time you were playing on the swings? Did he look around and see 8 or 9 year olds running around and think, “won’t be long now”. Do you think his having a 12 year old daughter disturbs you so much because it’s a reminder of how inappropriate this is?

3) Why do you think he would want someone so young, emotional, immature and jealous? I wonder what his wife’s body was like before she carried and gave birth to his child? Probably a lot like yours.

4) If he is a decent father at all (and we’ve established that he’s not a good one), his daughter will always come before you. Always. This is as it should be. Any parent should always put their children before girlfriends, boyfriends, stepparents to be. You can’t accept that.

It’s very obvious that this man is not suited to you. Find someone your own age to grow up with. He’s been there, done that, and you are his piece of arse while the mother of his child does all the hard work. Get some self respect.

thatsscottishtender Sun 27-May-18 04:37:52

What @Iwasjustabouttosaythat said. 100%

user1483387154 Sun 27-May-18 04:43:30

You sound very immature and not ready for a grown up relationship

Scott72 Sun 27-May-18 04:47:30

Iwasjustabouttosaythat, you're assuming the divorce was his fault.

Whatever the case, denigrating him as a lecherous wife discarding cradle robber and her as a silly girl may be tempting but isn't helpful. It is true though that this relationship just doesn't seem very promising. The age difference, her jealousy. She would be better off with someone more compatible. Unfortunately you can't turn love emotions on or off like a tap. Perhaps they should spend a little time apart to see if emotions cool and cooler heads prevail?

T1M2N3T4 Sun 27-May-18 04:59:09

Iwasjustabouttosaythat the op doesn't say why the child is in another country.

I know a child whose mother took them to Greece as she was homesick with no regard for the child's relationship with his British father.

Also dating someone younger doesn't make him a creepy old man. The op isn't a child.

You're making far too many assumptions on the information given.

flumpybear Sun 27-May-18 05:07:13

OP you have to be grown up enough to accept he comes as a package I'm afraid. It's never going to change, so either you have to change your views or you need to get out and find somebody who hasn't had a child

Jenasaurus Sun 27-May-18 05:36:53

try and think of it differently, You love your family, parents etc, and so does her, so you are OK to share his love and affection with them, its no different. I had a relationship with a man with 4 grown up children and actually ended up loving them more than him (he is an XDP now), I can relate though as I was once jealous of an XBFs relationship with his dog. You may find this is insecurity and once you realise love can be shared without meaning its diluted you will be OK

Copperbonnet Sun 27-May-18 05:38:51

He’ll always love her more.

He’ll always put her first.

Even when she’s an adult.

And any child you have together will only be equal with this child. It won’t be a replacement.

And you’ll have to share his love and attention with two other people rather than one.

You aren’t ready to be a Step Mum.

ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual Sun 27-May-18 05:46:17

If you have any decency, you need to walk away. You just can not continue a relationship where you're jealous of your partner's child. It's going to be awful for everyone.

Also be very, very careful of potentially having a child with this man. It sounds as though you changing your mind about wanting dc could be a reaction to your jealousy as much as anything, and that's a terrible reason to undertake having a child.

diodati Sun 27-May-18 05:53:16

OP, you sound exactly like my stepmother, as she was 40 years ago. My dad was almost 40 then and she was 19. My stepmother hated and resented me from the beginning. She made my life hell, even though I lived across the globe. I would visit my dad every summer and, although he and my half-sisters (she and Dad had two daughters, 10 years younger than me) loved me, my stepmother did everything she could to make me feel unwanted and "not good enough". It made me ill, physically and mentally.

Please, please try to accept and hopefully love this child! Put yourself in her position, imagine how you would feel if you were her. Get to know her, be her friend. If you can't do this, get out of the relationship before you hurt and harm everyone involved.

MyOtherProfile Sun 27-May-18 05:57:53

What a ridiculous post from Iwasjustabouttosaythat. Do you always jump to such judgemental conclusions?

However OP it really doesn't sound like you're ready for this kind of relationship so maybe best to move on now while you can.

speakout Sun 27-May-18 06:06:53

Move on.

You sound very young. This situation will get worse, not better.

Mummyoflittledragon Sun 27-May-18 06:19:37

I was just coming on to say please don’t have children with this man. You will destroy this little girl’s life. Yes, she’s only 12 and still little. You will also ruin the lives of your children too. It isn’t an enviable position to be either child, the favoured one or the despised one. And hey presto a post from diodati.

You need to walk away. And if you can’t, you need to pay for therapy to get over your issues. And not having children unless and until you get over them. The man you are dating is supposed to be a partner, not a father figure.

It doesn’t sound like you know yet how to be an adult. A good therapist will teach you.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: