Sexless marriage

[chchchchchangess]

DH and I love each other very much, but our sex life has come to a complete halt. We have a 5yo and a 9mo, and one or t'other of them aways seems to be in our bed. Obviously we're constantly knackered too (both work nearly FT). Before the kids, after the honeymoon period was over, we weren't at it like rabbits by any means (once a month, maybe?) but I was OK with that. Last time we had sex was over a year ago.

We do still fancy each other, I'm pretty sure of that. But it's been so long now it just feels totally awkward to try and instigate. And we're quite shy people, naturally, so I'm loathe to discuss it. Anyone been in a similar position and managed to rekindle the flame? Splitting up is not an option - we're very, very happy in every other way.

[MsP0b]

I can't talk from experience of this exact situation, but I think probably you need to bite the bullet and talk honestly about it with him. He's probably feeling exactly the same and also doesn't know how to broach it. It is a really tough topic to talk about even with the one you're closest to, but I'm not sure any relationship problems ever get solved other than with communication.

Just to add- if your youngest is only 9mo it's not long since preg/ birth/ newborn stages so no wonder sex has faltered partly down to that! But I know you feel the issue is more than that.

I'll be really interested in other people's advice but I think mine is do the difficult thing and talk about it.
Good luck x

[Scott72]

Do you have any interest in sex at all? Or are you just worried he's going to lose interest in the marriage without sex? If he hasn't bought it up at all then he's probably okay with the status quo. But if you are getting worried you'll have to say something.

[category12]

Organise a date night?

[SoapOnARoap]

He’ll be looking elsewhere if you do nothing

[Namethecat]

If you are saying you have one or the other in bed with you, then don't wait until it's bedtime. Instigate a massage, and then just see where that goes. Sex downstairs in a room before bed can / and is allowed !

[villageshop]

Ignore Soap's comment.

Dear OP, what you describe is not at all uncommon. It's early days after recovering from childbirth and the first year is exhausting anyway and you have a 5 year old as well so it's not surprising.

It's easy to believe everyone else gets back to full sex straight after their 6 weeks check but believe me the reality is often very different.

But your baby is 9 months now and so perhaps this is a good time to start re-kindling things on the marital front. Date nights, gently leading into conversations about how you miss being intimate then perhaps a special romantic weekend away if you can arrange childcare. It's a cliché I know but it can work magic and reconnect you both as a couple.

Maybe your H thinks he is being kind and sensitive to your feelings by trying not to rush things but would be delighted at little hints from you that now might be the time to lead you back to the marriage bed. Or hotel, even.

You asked if anyone had managed to rekindle the flame. My answer is a resounding Yes - many, many times. But I've been married over 40 years so am used to the ebb and flow - when the tide goes out it will came back.

[disconnecteddrifter]

I have just been through something similar, as in sex dropped off. I have issues and obsessed about it, looking everything up, asking people. In the end I asked him. (It took more than a few asks/tense conversations) but it was better out than in and we have resolved it now.
Please communicate so important

[KirstenRaymonde]

This is such a common problem. But you do need to talk to him. He may also be feeling awkward about initiating or not want to bother you if you’re tired with little ones. Someone has to break the cycle! Tell him you love and fancy and want to find a way to work sex back into your lives.

[Lemonyknickers]

Soaponarope have my very first mum's net

[chchchchchangess]

SoaponaRope - you're an idiot, bore off

Thanks, everyone else. I guess we do need to just talk about it. My worry (apart from missing the actual sex!) is that he just sees me as a mother now and not as someone he wants to rip the clothes off of. He doesn't seem to have much of a libido anymore (early 40s, bit overweight, definitely in mother hen mode which I hear can lower testosterone?) and my libido is pretty suppressed by breastfeeding, being touched out and broken sleep. But I'm in the best shape of my life which I feel is being wasted! If we could only find the time and space to actually DTD...

[disconnecteddrifter]

Seriously just talk. Don't expect change straight away but say how you'd like more sex, ask him what he thinks about it then let it sink in. Hold hands more, be more affectionate

[Mashandbangers]

I think sex drive is very much use it or lose it.
I was previously in a sexless marriage (couple of times a year) and tbh it never really bothered me. We’ve since split up (not over that I’ll hasten to add) and now I’m actually having sex quite regularly I want it more, and I’m increasingly more ahem enthusiastic.
It’s a bit of a vicious circle that you need to break :)