Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Crossed a line

(20 Posts)
partlyawake Sat 26-May-18 02:54:36

At a crossroads and have no idea which way to go. My marriage had been in bad shape for some time and we had come seriously close to splitting a couple of times in recent years. We had some time apart earlier in the year with him staying elsewhere while we decided whether to split or try again. I was brutaly honest with him about how i had been feeling/what i felt was missing. We agreed to try again slowly on the proviso we get some counselling. Other than the initial session we've been put on a waiting list. Meanwhile he has gradually come back home and we both made great efforts initially in making changes. In recent weeks we have lost some of the connection we had started to regain again and I have voiced concern that we have returned to old habits that I believe will lead us into that same old place. I can see he's trying in his own way but I'm wondering if it's too little too late? There are so many reasons to stay with him and work through things but I'm not sure how much I'm looking at things through rose tinted glasses at what could be vs reality. I've had my head turned a bit recently by someone I'm associated with through work which I can't help feeling isn't a good sign. We've been for coffee a handful of times and we've been getting to know one another. We've not had a deep conversation about where things might be going or where I stand in my marriage but he has made his interest clear and I've not discouraged. I'm digging myself a hole here. Nothing physical has happened beyond a couple of quick hugs goodbye. I can't tell if I'm just flattered by the attention because he seems so patient and eaay to be with or genuinely interested. I'm genuinely not the sort up for affairs and alike. This has completely confused me. I don't want to hurt anyone. I was ready to loose H a few months ago and couldn't see us bouncing back, when he left initially I got my head into a different space - no one else involved. Despite being a bit happier with H than i was because alot of tension is gone I'm wondering if actually I am open to moving on? or whether H and I have a chance and stupidly comtemplating throwing it away because of my reaction to this guy! How do I trust what I'm feeling?

Whyarealltheusernamestaken Sat 26-May-18 02:57:28

You haven’t said why you needed to split in the first place?

partlyawake Sat 26-May-18 02:59:49

Lots of factor really built up over a number of years. Very long. Generally not feeling supported or working towards common goals.

FinallyHere Sat 26-May-18 03:07:15

Certainly for me, and i can see that it I can only speak for myself, starting to have 'interest' in people outside the relationship is a dead cert reason that i am unhappy in tbe relationship. I have no idea why i can't even so to speak, be honest with myself... but i do know that it would be time to call a halt to the firs5 relationship before embarking on the next one.

Whyarealltheusernamestaken Sat 26-May-18 03:09:47

If you are not happy leave him, best for both of you and fairer than cheating

partlyawake Sat 26-May-18 03:11:09

We stopped communicating. Things got close to him leaving several times in the last 18mths or so but I always pulled it back. This time I didn't when he was leaving and he left but in the the weeks after I guess I gave him the option of trying again to sort it out. I think the time away did affect the effort and changes he'd started to make this time. I dont feel sure woe my motivation now.

partlyawake Sat 26-May-18 03:25:13

I think that's what I'm thinking whyarealltheusernamestaken. I'm finding it hard to have the courage to close things with H. Even if nothing come of this other guy I guess I know in heart of hearts the fact I'm tempted isn't right. Feels so alien. I can't be sure I'm making a mistake ending things and I'm not sue there would be the ability to turn back. Don't even know where to start. Lots of family stuff this weekend and he has a big birthday coming up.

Jonbb Sat 26-May-18 03:27:35

Pay for the counselling privately. Then see how you both feel.

Whyarealltheusernamestaken Sat 26-May-18 03:30:49

If it doesn’t feel right then it isn’t, if you are tempted then something is wrong. But it’s better to be honest than a cheat x

partlyawake Sat 26-May-18 03:32:01

I was thinking to look into some other counselling as relate are taking so long. I know he'll be completely confused as it will look like I've not even tried.

partlyawake Sat 26-May-18 03:38:33

I guess the bottom line is even if I cut comtact with the other guy, far to eaely to be putting it in terms of directly leaving one for the othet, something still isn't right. I know it I'm just being a coward. I care for H and love him immensely but not nessersarily in love, we've come a long way together before we started losing it. I'd liken to come out on good terms.

Whyarealltheusernamestaken Sat 26-May-18 03:42:11

Neither relationship will work if you go ahead now, you need to talk to somebody

partlyawake Sat 26-May-18 03:50:22

Never thought I'd be in this sort of mess. Goes against my moral code completely. There's not a lot I can do till after the weekend but I've no idea how I'll get through it. Theres all the practical stuff too.

user1486956786 Sat 26-May-18 04:28:48

So many people on here have crushes outside of marriages (I have had them too) and it definitely knocks you and makes you think / worry. The only thing you can do is think of life with husband or on your own, single. You cannot let this third party cloud your thoughts or decision in anyway. Reality is, if you and your husband did part ways once and for all, I would highly expect you'd actually want time to be on your own anyways. Perhaps husband needs to move out again temporarily but you still are 'together' and working towards making things better, this way you can really think clearly.

Desmondo2016 Sat 26-May-18 05:28:28

Surely you actually are already having the affair, regardless ofbwhat your moral code says. Sounds like you know damned well your marriage is over but you're dragging hubby along on the back burner and involving another man (who incidentally has no issue meeting up with another man's wife).

partlyawake Sat 26-May-18 06:34:52

I can see where you're coming from Desmondo. Coffee with a male friend or colleague is not unusual for me or for husband. The feelings / lack of instantly rebuffing them is where a line has been crossed last couple of times. You're right and on some level I've been meeting knowing feelings are there, testing them which is unfair. I'm aware of this and not proud, hence trying to figure out feelings and where to go next with them? Not keeping H on the back burner at all, we're in limbo regardless of interest from anyone else. I won't be going out for anymore coffee till I've figured this out. I guess I'm just finding it hard to throw the towel in, know when I'm done and give up.

RussianBluee Sat 26-May-18 07:47:42

I think youre beating an old dog there op.the coffee man is just a nice reassurance that when you divorce you will still be found attractive, be desired and wanted.. its more about your ego knowing that you wont have to be single or lonely. You will be ok. Stay true to your morals so as you dont feel shame ir regret and lose your own self respect and yes try private counselling soon.

swingofthings Sat 26-May-18 08:21:22

Don't try to deceit yourself. What you are doing is wrong, just wrong. It was wrong the second you agree to meet up. You are supposed to be working on your marriage, that's what you agreed to do and it was going in the right direction, yet you opted to consider this guy.

You are now trying to convince yourself that your marriage was always going to fail and that this new adventure is making you open your eyes to it. It's not the case. You knew your marriage was going through difficult times but YOU decided it was worth working on it. You are now sabotaging this.

You can't take back things and the way you feel now, but at least have the decency to accept that the reason why you are now considering ditching your marriage is because you decided to get to know this person better, not the other way around.

partlyawake Sat 26-May-18 11:45:00

I guess I needed to be told. Absolutely I'm in the wrong here and being ridiculous. Reflecting on it I guess the only thing I need to work on at this point is myself as I don't recognise myself as someone that would have gotten to this point. Time to be alone for a while. Hopefully H will understand and we'll stay on good terms and I can keep a working relationship with the other. I just need to be brave enough to have the conversation

bunchofdrapes Sat 26-May-18 15:46:05

* I can't tell if I'm just flattered by the attention because he seems so patient and eaay to be with or genuinely interested.*

It can also be both.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: