Salvageable Marriage?

[workinprogressmum]

Any advice? I'll try to keep it succinct.

I've been with my husband for several years. We had our ups and downs but since having DS nearly 4 years ago, things have been very strained.

I have a chronic illness which means that he has to work from home so that on days where our son doesn't have nursery, there is someone here if I need to rest. Everyone hails him as Superdad for doing this but often he's very snappy at our son and the negativity can be stressful for all of us. I can't work due to illness so am financially supported by DH.

My son was recently ill which meant that we've been indoors constantly with neither of them going to work / nursery and none of us got great sleep.

My son spilt some water yesterday. My DH blamed me then threw a table across the room. It triggered my PTSD and it's not the first time he's thrown things in a paddy.

We don't have any family or a support network really so we rarely have time alone apart from evenings once LO is in bed.

We've been to Relate before. He said it didn't help him. We are going to attempt counselling again but part of me has just had enough. He isn't very communicative and emotionally distant.

Do you think it's salvageable through counselling? Thank you for reading.

[gettingtherequickly]

If he is totally committed to making it work, maybe.
But if you are forcing him there, then no.

[Cawfee]

To be honest, it sounds like he needs an anger management course and individual counselling rather than marriage counselling

[wtf2018]

Threw a table across the room?

Could either you or DS have been harmed?!

[SandyY2K]

I'd find the table throwing quite scary. Unless he opens up in counselling ... You might not get much from it.

Is the love still there on your side?

[workinprogressmum]

He threw the table away from us, so no. It frightens me because it's something my dad used to do and then it escalated to physical abuse.

I've asked him to get help with his emotions with individual counseling but he needs to want to do it and seek it out.

I want us to be together. We've had some good time amidst the rough times. I don't feel head over heels anymore but we've been together for over a decade. I want my son to have a stable home as it's something I didn't have. DH used to be so laid back before DS was born but we had so much more freedom then.

I think he needs time out too but he doesn't enjoy socialising.

[MaryPeary]

It sounds awful. The table throwing is violent behaviour - saying "look, I can break things when I'm angry". It sounds like a red flag that he's either a violent person, or very unhappy and handling it badly.

But you must be quite seriously ill if you can't take care of your 4yo; would your son have to live with his dad if you split? Would you need help yourself?

This sounds like a very difficult situation for you .

[workinprogressmum]

Should I give him benefit of the doubt? He's thrown his phone and laptop before.

Yes, I am ill with a fatiguing condition which means that I have to pace and rest especially after lunch. I am not sure what would happen. Would I be happier if separated and therefore have more energy to look after DS, possibly. It's the difficulty talking and the negative attitude which is very draining. But I have no other support. I'm sure if it came to split, he would be good about childcare / taking DS to nursery / school.

It is a very difficult and intense situation indeed! None of us have the space to breathe atm. Thank you for your reply :)

[Cricrichan]

What he did is not acceptable but working full time, looking after a young child and you and having to work from home with a young child must be really stressful. Who does the housework and cooking? I imagine he does too?

Sit him down and explain how much you appreciate what he does and know how hard it is for him. But also explain that you're ill and that his anger and resentment worsens your symptoms to such an extent where you wonder if you would both be happier separately.

Your son is 4. The hardest bit is nearly over. He'll be in full time school soon and more mature and easier to look after and entertain. Could you afford to put him in nursery for more days?

[workinprogressmum]

Cricrichan you have given me alot of food for thought! Thank you.

We share the housework (I do as much as I physically can). I tend to prepare breakfast / snacks / lunches and he does the main meal. He does so much really. I can't say he doesn't.

We can't afford more nursery or that would definitely be an option! DS will be at school from September so I have my fingers crossed that things will ease off then.

We have a holiday coming up (staying with family in the UK) and hoping that will give us some time and space we desperately need.

[Cricrichan]

Hang in there. And sorry, I've just realised that I didn't mention how hard things must be for you. To be ill and to struggle to do things and be made to feel even worse must be awful. He's probably also worried about you .

But since you had such a fab relationship before it got stressful and you're getting a holiday soon and your son will soon be at school, hopefully you'll regain it very soon. Try and make some time to talk and have fun together on this holiday :)

[workinprogressmum]

Thanks Cricrichan 😊 things have been a bit strained but husband seems to be trying to keep the peace. I feel like I'm pushing him away a bit.

Looking forward to getting away and having space and time to think!

[workinprogressmum]

I just wanted to add a few notes. (I'm sure no one cares! But just in case I want to refer back).

Thing's that need to stop -

• Throwing, especially in front of DS (ultimatum - DH has to leave)
  
• instinctively finding blame on me / DS and finding excuses for himself
  
• saying it's either marriage or suicide
  
• not taking responsibility & saying he can't in case he upsets me = me taking on responsibility for many things especially in relation to DS
  
• getting aggravated / angry for little / no reason
  

Things which need to happen -

• taking responsibility for himself
  
• work on anger & emotional issues with separate counseling
  
• apologise sincerely
  
• realise what he's done wrong e.g. throwing without me having to explain each time that it triggers PTSD
  
• him to find things to do outside of the house - sport, socialising etc

[croprotationinthe13thcentury]

Counselling is not the answer to everything. If somebody is nasty and bad tempered no amount of counselling will change that. It sounds like this marriage has run its course. Your husband sounds utterly vile.

[workinprogressmum]

I've given him til the end of the year to prove the above. I'm also seeking support.

We still have some nice times together. He does things around the house, cooks, takes DS out when I need to rest, helped me to escape an abusive situation at home when I was a teenager etc.

I just feel extremely lost. Especially as I am quite dependant on him.

[workinprogressmum]

We had a great couple of days where DH was loving, attentive and positive. Despite the fact he was at work all day and only had about 2 hours with me and DS, he's ruined his good behaviour.

I told DH to get DS down from slide before moving it. He didn't listen and DS got hurt (hitting his mouth on slide). DS got upset and said kiss it better. DH gave half hug / kind of laugh. I said "that wasn't nice was it?" DH played victim saying "you're telling our child I'm not nice to him". I told him my grievances so he said "DS I'm so sorry I'm SO horrible to you". Told him not to be so dramatic. His response was "What do you want me to say?" I told DH "You need to tell him you're sorry"..."I'm sorry DS" walks off in a huff

He's now saying he was being defensive because I told DS that "Daddy is horrible". I didn't??? Feel like I'm going bloody mad.

Getting incredibly sick of the excuses. Then I get a "you were right the whole time. I'm truly sorry. I won't do it again"