Sooo lonely in marriage

[LemmeavaBru]

Name changed for this.
Basically never really loved dh. Stayed out of family expectations and still with him after 20 years. A few dc later and things haven't changed. What makes it worse is we're not sexually compatible but do the deed out of necassity or out of the feeling of 'oh well its better than nothing' iyswim. (I've never been with anybody else so really can't compare but i know its not great). He is also a bit of a bully verging on abusive. An example from our early marriage is he used to be really stingey with money, sulking and pulling a face for days on end, if i made any purchases on my own accord. It was like living in hell so just gave way and did things his way. I did argue my point but he would just manipulate the situation making my behaviour seem ridiculous and making me feel guilty for even spending a pound. I feel emotional even writing this down.
The situation has changed slightly. I did my degree and got a job all while juggling kids and home. Hes always had a hold on me even after becoming independant. I spend about 80% on bills and food and he still questions any personal purchase I make or spend any money in kids; clubs or cinema tickets etc. Im not allowed to ask him for money because he supports his parents and siblings and anyway i have enough money, why do i need more? Its not just about economics. Im constantly told directly and indirectly im not good enough. A good enough wife mostly. He has a heart condition and at his nastiest he had told me its because of me . These are just a few examples.
He sulks when in his eyes ive done something wrong. The atmosphere is horrible. We dont sleep in the same bed. We do the deed and he rolls over and goes to his bed. Im left in my own. I fantasise about a loving relationship and recently have started to have crushes on men. I know its wrong but im sooo lonely. I dont even know if i want another relationship because this one is so horrible.
I've become a shell of a person, constantly depressed but fighting and realising i cant let a man make me feel like this. Hes away for a week and i feel free. Like a heavy weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
But ...I cant leave. I have multiple kids, very conservative family who wouldnt underatand why i would leave him. 'Does he beat you up?' 'Is he having an affair' 'what would become of your kids?' 'What would become if him?' 'He's not well thats why hes like this. You just need to put up and be strong.' Do this or that and hell change hust wait' 'you're being selfish' 'who would want you afterwards anyway with 5 kids'. These are some of the things that have been said by family and friends. Even the supportive ones have never come out directly and told me to leave him. Theyd just give examples of their own bad relationships.
I guess I really dont know what i want. But i needed to vent. Thank you for reading. I dont know if any of this makes sense.

[Thingsdogetbetter]

Bloody hell I'd be dumping him AND my bloody family and friends! You have one life and they are sucking it out of you!

[Rosielily]

What does he contribute financially to your household? I don't mean his family - but you and your five children?

[LizzieLongToes]

I really hope you can find the strength and support to leave this unhappy situation. It sounds shite.

[Singlenotsingle]

Unreasonable behaviour! I thought sex was supposed to be an expression of love? It doesn't sound like normal behaviour - the controlling, the conservative family, the multiple kids. How old are they any way, these kids? I think I'd be making plans to get away,; you can't carry on like this otherwise you'll be the one with heart problems.

[LemmeavaBru]

Rosielilly.
Not much. A takeaway once a week grocery or meat once in a while. My gripe with him is you dont contribute but still want to control the income that i bring in. If i say anythung like well im not spending your money he has such a fit about me going on about yours and mine regarding money completely changing the point about the convo. The fact that he doesnt share his money but expexcts me to and save any thats left over by not spending on myself and the kids makes my blood boil. Hes calmed down a bit because i keep making this point. But he does occassionally object and i feel like im back to square one.
Im just so run down by the same pointless.arguments.
I've tried giving him the cold.shoulder in the past where i've completley ignored him and let him have his rants and tantrums without rising to the bait. And it did work. But my idealization of having a loving, healthy relationship makes me want to try again. But i dont know if its me and how i come across but he almost always seems to have power over me. I can never be assertive without thinking im being a bitch.

[LemmeavaBru]

Kids are so very young. Dont want to say too much in case i out myself. I know its a shit situation but i really dont think i can leave. I honestly think most people think im very lucky and my husband is good. But i have started to tell more and more people about my situation and they agree its shit. They even feel sorry for me which was not what i intended and I feel ashamed. Maybe thats why I never told anyone right at the beginning because of the shame. Now i feel its too late. Kind of ive made my bed and all that

[Melliegrantfirstlady]

Honestly he would have to pay you £££££ in maintenance for five kids. You’d also get top up benefits.

You are wasting your life with this man.

I don’t condone affairs well not normally but by god in your circumstances I can’t say I wouldn’t!

He won’t change. Find courage.

Your family will always be there. You don’t need their approval for things at your age!!

[Melliegrantfirstlady]

Do you have a mortgage?

Does he help to pay it

Is it a lot each month?

[Creasey31]

You do only get one chance!! Live it your way, your happiness is important as well xx

[category12]

Feeling like a weight has lifted while he's away is your answer. You could feel like that all the time. You don't need him and he is emotionally abusing you.

Family & friends are often reluctant to say what strangers on the internet will, because they like the status quo and fear change. In the case of family, often we repeat the same sorts of relationships we grew up seeing, so our (and their) "normal" is skewed - is that the case here?

[Cawfee]

Are you serious? You haven’t made your bed at all! You have a CHOICE! You earn your own money. Dont think you have to put up with him forever! Get rid of him! Sod what anyone says. You have a right to be happy. He’s not even a friend! You’ll be a new woman once he’s gone. You have been financially and emotionally abused. Get rid of this loser.

[Thingsdogetbetter]

So you worķ, pay all the bills (including rent/mortgage?), do everything at home and all the child care? What does he do apart from buy a takeaway now and again and make your life shite? Does he work and keep all his wages to himself? Or not work and lounge around the house all day?
Your idealization of a happy loving relationship is blinding you, because you are never going to have it with this man. That dream is still possible, but not with this man.
Your posts make me feel so sad. There is so much you want and need and have worked for (a degree with 5 kids? You fucking rock!) and the person who should be loving, supporting and cheering you on, is instead dragging you down, controlling you and fucking your self esteem.
Don't throw good money after bad!

[Bowlofbabelfish]

Leave. Sod what anyone else thinks. Just leave

[JeanLouiseAKAScout]

Please please go. Look online at houses and imagine you live in them without him

[Cricrichan]

Leave. Have a look at entitled to and you'll be surprised how much you'd get with 5 kids. It may be worth your while going part time and having tax credits and you'll still be able to look after the kids and not pay so much for childcare. He's also have to pay maintenance.

Be completely honest with friends and family, I'll bet they'll support your decision and those who don't, well, they can bloody live with the abusive wanker.

I stayed way too long for silly reasons and I regret it. I should have left 8 years ago.

[LemmeavaBru]

You lot are so lovely. I'm actually in tears.
You're right category12 in their eyes its actually not that bad. 'Compare your marriage to xy and z and you'll find you don't have it as bad as you think.' It's also a cultural thing. Men are like this and women are meant to put up.
The mortgage is quite low and ive learnt to be very thrifty with regards to spending but obviously with 5 kids it is expensive. The kids are going to get older and they are going to require a lot more spent on them. In the past we worked so he had kids during day and he worked in the evenings. So he has helped in that respect. Its just now i feel ground down by everything.

[LemmeavaBru]

Jeanlouise
Id love to but ive worked so hard to buy this house i couldnt bare leaving even though theres so much maintenance work needed. Thats another thing, he doesnt want to do any major diy work around the house because of expense. I do sometimes wish i lived in a 2 up 2 down with no renovation work needed and smaller bills. But then i think of my kids and think they deserve better. Funnily enough I did live in such a house and felt so much happier

[Thingsdogetbetter]

Slow you lived in a smaller house and felt happier. What makes you assume that your children won't.
Kids need love and time and support and encouragement and happy mums (And dads but they're never going to get that here) Not big houses! Big houses are not the same as happy childhoods.

[LemmeavaBru]

Thank you all. For the first time I think I do need to consider leaving him. Even thinking this aloud is scaring me to be honest but I know cannot live like this for the next 20 years. You're right thingsdo. I've been concentrating on the material things and kind of forgot that kids need happy parents. We should never have purchased this property to be honest. Knew it was going to be a lot of work and I would end up paying all bills. Would'nt be able to sell it if I did without a loss. But I guess I've got to prioritise our happiness over a building.

[stuckforagoodnickname]

Just a guess, but I read this and thought you/your husband must be Asian (I'm Asian myself and some of the things you wrote sound familiar).
OP, whatever your family says, it's not them who have to live your unhappy life day in, day out. I gave up caring what other people thought of me/my decisions a long time ago because I want to be happy and I'm not prepared to live the life I'm told to live and remain unhappy.
It's the 21st century - women can build a good life for themselves without a man. You don't need him.
Imagine what it will be like when your kids have grown up and flown the nest and it's just the two of you.
When I left my husband, one of the reasons was because I wanted to find and feel love. I knew that, if I left, I might find the love I wanted or I might not, but at least leaving would give me a chance. I felt I'd rather live a life of hope (hoping that I could meet someone more compatible) than resign myself to a life of unhappiness.
Listen to your own voice, OP. You know what will make you happier, and we all deserve to be happy.

[Zaphodsotherhead]

OP - I kicked my XH out because he expected me to do EVERYTHING, because I was a SAHM to five kids, all under ten. I had to cook, clean, shop, iron, make sure the house was immaculate (I was a 'lazy slut' if it got untidy), all he did was go to work.

I brought those five kids up by myself. They are adult now, all successful and earning well, and happy. It IS possible, honestly. And a lot nicer without a dick of a man making you feel worthless.

[LemmeavaBru]

Yes stuck. You're spot on.
It sounds so impossible but that is what i want. A hope. But should I rock my dcs world because of this hope which may or may not happen? But even if there was no hope in hell in finding this at least I could live freely. I think you are so brave to come from this background and do what was best for you. I hope I can gain some of this bravery

[Skittlesandbeer]

Heart condition you say? I’d be starting a ‘jumping out at Daddy’ game with those many kids, if I were you. He’d be far more use to you in the realm beyond.

[LemmeavaBru]

Hahaha
That made me laugh skittle. Thanks for that.

[MSnotMRS]

OP I guessed you are Asian too as these comments are exactly what my in laws say to me. It is harder than people can imagine if they don’t know the culture. But you only have one life. I tell myself that yes, me separating from my stbxh is hard on the kids, but I don’t know any adults whose parents stuck it out in an unhappy marriage who say ‘i’m so pleased and grateful they did that...’ if anything I think it damages them more. Was just talking to a colleague today whose parents are in a sham marriage and he said he hates it, and he has no role models for what a healthy relationship should look like.