What to expect from children in time after marriage breakup

[bollocksitshappenedagain]

After some advice please. My husband has alcohol issues. Has been technically dry I guess for sometime with the very occasional blip. However he has been substituting with paracetamol etc although I don't know scale I think it is more than I know. He had a blip March and then Tuesday I came home from work (he is part time so primary career 3 days a week) to find he had a drink whilst in sole charge. That was it - I now no longer feel comfortable leaving them in his care and I have told him to leave. He has found a room and he says he will be moving out over the weekend.

I have dealt with the practicalities and got a childminder sorted etc to cover days he used to take to school and booked holiday Club for the summer. I am also lucky to have a flexible job so can wfh to be there for them .

I just don't know what to expect from the dd (6&10)

The 10yo has been spending a lot of time in her room since the March incident and I'm not sure if it her age or she can sense the tension in the house - I suspect it may be the latter. I think it will hit the 6yo hardest as she is more of a daddy's girl than the older one just due to being at home with him more than the older one was at a young age.

I was planning to say he has moved out for a while to stay with a friend but I don't want them to expect that he will be coming back soon. I am sure I will get pressure from his family if he is clean for a couple of months to allow him home but our relationship isn't great anyway after 7 years of clean but never quite clean. So irrelevant Of what happens with the alcohol I cannot see us getting back. I am also worried this will tip him over the edge completely and he will end up with no job and nowhere to stay and how I handle that and the pressure I expect I will get from everyone.

I have supportive friends as they believe I am making right decision.

Sorry for the essay!

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Give them age appropriate truth. I would think both DDs have picked up on all the vibes, both spoken and unspoken, during the last few years and not just recently. These young people need a safe and emotionally reliable and steady parent; you can provide that to them.

Are you planning on divorcing him?.

Re your comment:-
"I am also worried this will tip him over the edge completely and he will end up with no job and nowhere to stay and how I handle that and the pressure I expect I will get from everyone".

I would read up on codependency in relationships and see how much of that fits in with your own behaviours to date. Where he goes after you separate from him is not your problem, you are not responsible for the actions of another person. His family have not lived with him (they were perhaps glad to see that someone else i.e. you took him on so they were not lumbered with him) and therefore have not seen the full realities of your life with him.

He has never been free of addiction the entire time you have been together and keeps relapsing. This sort of dysfunctional relationship that they have seen to date is not good enough for them nor is it good enough for you. You and he need to be apart now for good because he has and will continue to drag you and his kids down with him.

[Fflamingo]

I would say tell them the truth in a kind way. He is their Dad albeit an unreliable one and will always be their dad. Don’t leave gaps in their understanding of the situation or their imaginations will fill it for them. Let them ask any questions

[bollocksitshappenedagain]

I know you are right!

They don't see the blips as it's only been a couple of drinking ones when they were asleep. They obviously don't see the tablets but he also suffers from depression and although he looks after them he's not a very engaged father if that makes sense. When they are his days in the holidays he won't arrange anything much - I book stuff in for him to take them too.

I probably do enable him - I do all of the household admin etc. I pick up the mess when he's feeling depressed and doesn't do anything. Frankly that's part of it - I actually think there would be less to do with him not around. I think it's telling that if I have a lie in they are constantly popping up to see me and talk to me but they never do when it's him! A lot of the time I do think it's a unit of 3 plus him.

Luckily I have a good salary so as long as I cut back can manage mortgage and bills etc and having flexible job will be able to wfh 3 days a week. I count my blessings for that!

He moved out once before - it was very near the beginning and I was 8.5 months pregnancy with dd2. He ended up moving back when she was born. I got pressure from his parents then as his dad suffers from anxiety and he could not copy with it - I thought how do you think I fed with a 3 yo and pregnant!

I think it will be divorce - I am planning to see a solicitor next week to understand how things might stand. I am primary earner and although he went part time to look after dd to be honest I think it was as much driven by the depression etc and he quite liked having that time at home when they were in school.

[eve34]

Sorry to hear that you are in this situation. As already said tell the children the truth in an appropriate way. Don't say it's temporary if I'm your heart of hearts you know it's not.
Just say that daddy is going to live somewhere else he loves them and they will see him and can call him whenever they want to.

When we told the kids it was a very bizarre experience. There were tears and I then took them to the fair.

My eldest who is 11 has taken it very hard and blames himself regardless of what I say. My youngest has just rolled with it but she is only 5. So not as easy to talk too about how she feels.

It has taken some time but we are just starting eow contact. He moved in with ow. And although I don't like it. It is important he has a relationship with the children. And I have gone as no contact as possible. I will never forgive him for the betrayal to me. But that is my problem and I am trying hard to remain positive in front of the children.

Get lots of real life support around you. And professional support if you feel you need it. I know I will get through this although thee are days it feels impossible. You will too.

[bollocksitshappenedagain]

The difficulty I am facing is that I don't k is what he is going to be like after he moves out - I have to work on scenario he won't see them. Tbh even if he doesn't have a drink I think is so up and down in his moods at the moment that he would just end up getting over emotional and crying if he saw them which helps no one.

[MrsBertBibby]

They will probably have learned about alcohol abuse at school. I know my son did right in the middle of dramatic changes in his contact with his dad over his dad drink driving with him in the car. Literally that week, the big drug and alcohol bus parked in the playground to go through the whole school.

They need to know this isn't their fault. It's horrid, but children of substance misuses desperately need to understand what the missing piece in the jigsaw is to explain why dad doesn't put them top of the list. Otherwise, they grow up thinking they aren't worthy.

My son loves his dad very much, and he knows his dad loves him, but is just, well, in thrall to the booze.

[MrsBertBibby]

And expect anything from them. I always worry most about the kids who are said to be not really reacting. Let them express their feelings however they need to, maintain normal discipline and boundaries so they feel safe, but when they push them, push back with as much love and understanding and acceptance as you can.

[bollocksitshappenedagain]

My 10yo did the drugs alcohol thing last year. She is going to secondary so a lot of changes in a short time but at least she has her existing friends around her now and it's not when she is trying o settle in.

[BarbarianMum]

All Id add is that it would be better not to fudge it and tell them he's moving out "for now" because then they'll be waiting daily for him to come back home. Uncertainty is hard to live with. Better make it a clean break.

[juneau]

Be honest with them (in any age-appropriate way). Let them ask you anything. Tell them that whatever their questions are you will try your very best to answer them - and then do. Don't have taboo subjects or let them see that certain things make you uncomfortable to talk about, or they'll stop asking and make up their own answers and possibly blame themselves. Tell them that you love them and that none of this is their fault. Protect them, if you feel your ex cannot be trusted to be a responsible adult around them.

And paracetamol abuse is really, really dangerous. He'd be better off drinking than abusing paracetamol. It can lead to irreparable liver damage/failure and death within days. If your 'D'H isn't aware of this, tell him right now.

[bollocksitshappenedagain]

Believe me he knows it dangerous - he had a bleeding ulcer from codeine 2 years ago.

We were meant to away this weekend - I think I will still take the girls which gives him an opportunity to move his stuff out and we can tell them when back. I have told him we cannot say 'for a bit' not sure I feel up to packing etc though. But equally I cannot face being in the house with him all weekend.

I'm pretty much 100% it's permanent - tbh he's a lazy shit anyway (and I'm fed up of that as well) so I cannot see that changing!

[Granville72]

I would also speak to both of your children's teachers as well and let them know the situation with their father moving out. School will then be able to liaise with you if they have any concerns.

[bollocksitshappenedagain]

@Granville72

I had planned to this afternoon. However I had noted in my youngest school diary that my husband would not be able to help out with a fortnightly activity he does. That combined with some slightly 'off' behaviour the last couple of days actually prompted her teacher to call me this morning and ask if there was any issues at home.

I guess I should be pleased they are on the ball! She will speak to the teacher for my oldest dd as well for me. (I felt a bit emotional on the phone and blubbed- bit embarrassing with a young twenties teacher!!!!)

[Granville72]

Don't worry, been there done that but I was face to face with my Childs teacher. She's super young as well (or am I just old)

I'm glad school are on the ball for your children, makes life a lot better if you know they are supporting your children and you if you need it.

[bollocksitshappenedagain]

The friend my husband was meant to stay with has now said not until at least 2 weeks alcohol free - he is in aa as well so cannot risk his recovery

So he asked multiple times if he could stay what was he meant to do - I said ask your parents or go to the council and declare yourself homeless. He keeps saying sorry for doing it and he knows it's hard on me but I have no idea what he's going through. I am just being harsh. He has known for a long time what the possible outcome is, he's probably shocked I have followed through and that's why he's feeling so sorry for himself. I'm always the organiser and so I just told him that I was fed up of that and for once in his life he actually needed to sort something out for himself. I will probably get a call from his parents saying they are old and cannot have the stress of him being there. Doesn't mean I keep him.

[Granville72]

There's always a B&B, hostel or surely he has more than one friend?

Don't relent, stick to your guns. It's already affecting your children.

[bollocksitshappenedagain]

He's not got a lot of friends! Longest term friend has a young child and a small house so not suitable to stay really if issues.

Most of his friends are aa ones.

[juneau]

You're absolutely right that just because no one else wants him you shouldn't have to keep him and if his parents try and foist him back onto you then I'd tell them to piss off. I see from your OP that your FIL has form for emotional blackmail of this type, so it's good that you're prepared. And good for you for following through this time. He does sound like a dead weight dragging you down and he's an adult. All this crap that he's brought down on his head is entirely his own doing. But that's the thing with addicts - they just follow the dictates of their addiction and don't think about the consequences. No wonder he doesn't have many friends.

[Granville72]

If he's that desperate for a roof over his head, he could always book himself into rehab. He can sort his drink and pill addiction out

[bollocksitshappenedagain]

He's moving to theirs on Sunday. He says he's trying to get rehab but I'm pretty sure once the shock wears off it will be all the same.

Any experience - is it better for him to be there or not when I tell dd's?

[juneau]

If you can present a united front and kindly tell your DDs together that you're you are splitting up, then yes it would be better done together. If you're pretty sure that there is no going back, then don't give them false hope that you might get back together as there is a risk they will hold onto this and then get angry (and possibly take that anger out on you), if it doesn't happen.

If he's going to try and blame you or act the victim or anything else negative, then no, it would be better if you tell them on your own.

[bollocksitshappenedagain]

I don't think he will blame me but he's so emotionally up and down that I'm just not sure it will help matters.

[Granville72]

Then don’t have him there. Just explain best you can in age appropriate way that Mummy and Daddy aren’t happy / Daddy is unwell and Daddy has gone to live somewhere else.

Let them ask questions as well.