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It isn't going to work, is it?

(37 Posts)
Dinoraw Fri 25-May-18 00:19:08

I'm 22, he's 26

He was never taught to clean up after himself so I do It all as well as pick up after our two young kids.
I bring in all the income. I've sold everything I held dear and valuable to pay for rent. Whereas he's bought things from his family. I get nothing. He wants a new game, shoes etc, he has it. Other people foot it. He has no job. Last time I bought myself some clothes was in 2015 before our daughter was born. That's also the last time I felt good about myself. I had some self worth. I get no help.
I get a lot of help with the kids, he's a good dad. I won't take that away from him.
He has a bath in the day, I struggle with the kids. I have to have a quick one at night.
He has dinner, I feed the kids. I often don't eat and get yelled at that I'm anorexic.
He goes on xbox live with his mates, an falls asleep as soon as he gets into bed. There's no time with me as dd usually gets into bed with us and he doesn't stop it like I want it to now. He is happy cosleeping. He then makes me feel bad for sleeping on the sofa.

Tonight we were meant to be intimate tonight.. If you get me. Yet we're both ill, me more so as I have rheumatoid arthritis and as well as having a really bad cold, I'm having a huge flare up. Yet I'm still bloody struggling to even pick our dd up. For example, I asked him to put her in the high chair and I get "oh, ill do it later. I ache". You fucking ache pal?! So I did it and bloody struggled. I love our dcs so much but with arthritis this badly flaring up its almost impossible for me to be a mother because I can barely open my hands. As well as do all the household chores. Washing, cleaning, cooking.

So anyway, I did the big shop on my own with our ds, come back home and dd wakes up from her sleep (8pm) I've delt with her all night, luckily she's just settled.
So I'm not tired now. I'm pissed off. Whatever time I was meant to have with him is gone. An I'm not tired now. I ache too much. So I wanted to go downstairs to potentially sleep on the sofa as dd is in the bed and I'm uncomfortable and I can watch TV at least or read with the light on to keep me occupied. He yells at me. "SO WHATEVER TIME WE DID HAVE, YOU WANT TO WASTE IT. WHY DON'T YOU LIKE ME". I can't even be bothered anymore.
I just had a realisation looking at my empty trinket dish that had my loved jewellery on it that I've sold that it isn't going to work. An I'm devestated. We were getting married. We were going to have our life together with our little family. Yet this most likely won't happen now. I can't just split up because he would move home miles away and my kids so young would be away from me. The youngest being 9 weeks old. (ds).
I'm so fed up.
I'm trying to make mom friends, but I just feel like they're all so clicky and my old friends that are mothers are using me so I've cut that out my life.
I have no one. I'm behind on rent again and struggling and I'm getting no support.
I don't know what to do. I feel so isolated and I feel like I shouldn't. I want to call my wedding off because my gut is telling me it isn't right. But then splitting up my kids will be away from me living in a village with no hope when neither of us drive. I'm so done.

AltheaorDonna Fri 25-May-18 00:25:38

Call your wedding off and make plans to get away from this man child. I'm old enough to be your mum (and then some) and I will tell you now this man is no good. You are so young, and you and your children deserve more than this lazy arse.

Dinoraw Fri 25-May-18 00:29:25

Not that I'm after a man or anything but who'd even want me after this. I used to be slim, really nice looking now I'm just horrible. Worn down and you can tell. I've aged about 10 years from all the stress and struggling to put a roof over my kids heads.
I can't have my children going so far away from me. My dd already hates me because she's all him sad

Dinoraw Fri 25-May-18 00:31:05

Pathetically, I'm just sat in bed, he's moaning at me to get into bed with dd and him and he has his hand on my thigh. An thinking about it now, I hate it. I don't want his hand on my thigh anymore. I just don't think I want him now.

MessySurfaces Fri 25-May-18 00:33:24

It's 1 in the morning and you are in pain- everything is going to feel more wretched right now! Your DD doesn't hate you. It does sound like your relationship with your partner is not good at all- but right now, this minute, you need sleep. In the morning hopefully you will feel clearer, and will be able to make good plans. But go to sleep first!!

MessySurfaces Fri 25-May-18 00:34:11

And yeah, the sofa is probably a good plan.

steff13 Fri 25-May-18 01:11:18


Did you tell him it's because he's lazy and useless? You're ill, you have a new baby, and he can't be bothered to work?! I can't abide that sort of nonsense. And I would not sell one more thing before that Xbox was gone.

BeefyCakes Fri 25-May-18 01:18:35

Nope, it'll never get better. It won't change.

There is help out there for you, contact women's aid. There will be posters on soon enough with better advice.

I hope things get better for you flowers

AntiGrinch Fri 25-May-18 06:19:33

Why do you think he will take the children away from you? If that is the only reason you don't want to separate then get legal advice.
You sound utterly worn down and have lost confidence in everything, including being a mother. This is not a true picture.
You need to talk to someone. WA is a good idea. They may also help you see a solicitor.
Maybe also see a priest or someone like that. You do not have to be religious to reach out. You need to be in real life contact with someone who can help you see the good and the strength in you.

You are amazing. Get away from this man.

43percentburnt Fri 25-May-18 06:38:02

Why is he a good dad? He doesn’t work, therefore doesn’t feed, clothe or house them. Shouts atvtheir mother and watches their RA suffering mother pick up his shit.

He hasn’t sold his xbox to find the rent?

He’s a shithead not a good father or partner.

Are you really sure he would even see the kids? He can’t be arsed to parent after bedtime (not putting your dc back in bed - I am a big advocate of cosleeping as a choice made by both parents btw). He can’t be arsed to move a high chair or do washing, despite not working. Bet his parents can’t wait for him to turn up on their doorstep with his xbox and dirty pants in a carrier bag.

43percentburnt Fri 25-May-18 06:39:19

Posted too soon. Look after yourself and get away from him. You deserve so much more from life than this. So do your children.

Helpmeplan Fri 25-May-18 06:44:26

Althea is on the money, kick him out. I promise you that you will be a million times better off without him.

RussianBluee Fri 25-May-18 06:51:24

Op youre SO young. So mature and had to grow up quick and take on responsibilities. Dont stay with him hes a manchild and wont change you really deserve more.

SandyY2K Fri 25-May-18 07:21:51

I bring in all the income

That's enough reason to get rid. He's a liability.

Motoko Fri 25-May-18 12:23:05

Your children would NOT be away from you, especially a 9 week old baby.

He is NOT a good dad, otherwise he'd be doing the childcare when you're ill, and sharing it at other times. He would also have sold all his belongings (especially his xbox) to help pay for the roof over the heads of his children. He would also be looking for work, to help feed and clothe his children.

For god's sake, don't marry him! Cancel the wedding, you can't afford it at the moment anyway.

Contact your health visitor to see what help you can get. You sound very down, which is understandable under the circumstances, but you could also be suffering from PND, so do get that checked out.

You need to leave him. You and your children will be better off on your own, and he's not going to change. You don't want to spend the next 50 odd years with this tosser.

SouthernComforts Fri 25-May-18 12:27:42

Why is he a good dad? He doesn’t work, therefore doesn’t feed, clothe or house them.

Bloody hell, what about SAHM's??

Motoko Fri 25-May-18 22:44:46

SAHMs tend to do everything they can to make sure their children aren't at risk of being made homeless. He could have sold his xbox to help pay the rent, but instead, he's left it to OP to sell everything she can, as well as working.

He also spends money on himself, which is a luxury they can't afford at the moment. His priorities are all wrong.

Dinoraw Sat 26-May-18 01:29:53

Too late, everything I have has now gone. My mom even acted as a pawn broker I've found today. I gave her jewellery to sell for me and I found out today she kept it for me and gave me the money.
So I've put it all back on ebay properly because I'm under with rent.
I'm on the sofa. I have been for the past two nights.
I could just cry.
Thanks all for your replies.

AltheaorDonna Sat 26-May-18 03:27:30

Please tell me you have his x box on eBay and have the rest of his stuff in bin bags. You are so young, this is no way to live your life!

gingergenius Sat 26-May-18 03:46:06


DianaT1969 Sat 26-May-18 05:59:14

Are you getting all the benefits that you're entitled to? Why aren't you eligible for housing benefit at the moment? Unless you're on maternity pay perhaps?
Your thinking is all over the place. You are annoyed not to get intimate time with him while you are both ill??
You're planning a wedding when you can't afford the rent.
Selling things isn't sustainable, you need to think longer term.
Give him an ultimatum that he gets work this week or you will pack his stuff up and lock him out.
The kids being with him after you split - he doesn't sound like he could be arsed to look after a 9 week old baby.
You chose this man as the father of your first child, then again for your 2nd. Take some responsibility now and either make him shape up or get rid of him.

FelicitationsFacilitations Sat 26-May-18 06:04:57

This is terrible, please please do not marry him and start to extricate yourself!

HarryLovesDraco Sat 26-May-18 06:16:21

Take some responsibility now and either make him shape up or get rid of him

How do you suggest she 'makes him' shape up?

OP lovely you are so young but such an amazing mum. You work so hard to keep your kids happy and fed despite physical and emotional pain and exhaustion.
You would absolutely thrive if you didn't have this loser dragging you down.
Your boyfriend would have contact with the kids if you split but he wouldn't be taking the little one away overnight for a long time. Why do you think he would?

Motoko Sat 26-May-18 10:11:17

OP, what are you going to do next month when the rent needs to be paid?

What are you going to do about him?

Fluffypinkpyjamas Sat 26-May-18 10:15:41

Why doesn’t he work?!

Sell the bloody games console. Kick him out. Enjoy a better life. He is a cocklodging man child. You know you deserve better than this. He gives you NO reason to love him or like him. Ugh.

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