Seeing to DHs needs-sulking

[Chchchchchanges2018]

NC for this but I post a bit under another name

Not sure if this should be in AIBU or relationships tbh but as I don’t currently have the strength for aibu I’ll leave it here....

DH has gone to bed early sulking, and the reason he’s sulking is because I wouldn’t give him a hand job. For context, this is something I used to happily do for him but haven’t done in a long time.
We have a 7 month old baby who it’s fair to say is very high needs; the pregnancy and birth were difficult and she spent the first few months just crying solidly. She is quite sensitive, won’t go to other people, and is a real limpit. Still breastfeeding too although mercifully she started sleeping through around a month ago (still have to feed to sleep but I can take that)
Also we have a toddler in the mix and all round the last 7 months have been really tough.

At the moment there is basically zero physical intimacy between us and I know he’s bothered by this. I am just physically and mentally exhausted. My feeling is that things will change and eventually we’ll return to some kind of normality.
The problem is though I really resent him sulking about the fact I’ve said no to giving him a hand job-it gets to the end of the day and having had a day of being clambered on by kids I just want my own time and space. I’m totally and completely touched out, and seeing to his ‘needs’ to be honest just feels like another chore in a really fucking long list.
Anything sexual is so far off my radar right now-I want to read a book and go to sleep

I can’t be/have been the only one in this situation so would love for some advice or thoughts or opinions

[Butterymuffin]

He's not being very grown up about it. Have you spelled it out to him as you've done above here? And does he do his share with the kids?

[scottishdiem]

Sulking isnt going to make him attractive to you so he has a problem there.

That said, just as you are touched out he is no longer being touched as it were. Rejection can be hard to take. Just ask the many women on here who complain about the lack of intimacy and no excuse by the man is allowable.

It is possible to arrange some time together (though I note that your baby is high needs)? There are comments on here by women who dont feel like intimacy and then wonder why the intimacy in the marriage never comes back. You will miss it to if it isnt maintained between you both.

Intimacy should never seem like a chore. Reducing your DH to that level is not going to be great for the relationship to be honest.

But him sulking is just as bad.

[Singlenotsingle]

Sex can be a chore. I don't know why. It just is! It'll just have to be a DIY job, won't it? Do you suppose Ann Summers stock a vibrating hand? You could give him one for his birthday!

[scottishdiem]

Tell sulky manchild to have a wank

Prior to joining Mumsnet I would have agreed. However, there is no place in a house that a man can have a wank without people here proclaiming every time and place as "grim".

[MyKingdomForBrie]

Urgh I hate sulkers, and it sounds like he just has no comprehension of what you’re going through.

Who wants reluctant sexual contact anyway?! I cannot think of a bigger turn off. Marriage is a lifetime commitment and frankly in the scheme of things a few months is not a big deal.

He really should care more about your needs than just his.

[mynameisnotmichaelcaine]

Oh my lovely. I could have written your post when mine were little. We still haven't found the perfect balance, and DH is a Grade A sulker, but things are much better now I'm no longer touched out. Does your toddler ever nap in the day at the same time as the baby? Perhaps you could find time for some bank holiday intimacy on your terms, during the day when you're not so exhausted. Then he could take both kids to the park whilst you read your book with a cuppa.

[ByeMF]

You're completely exhausted and he's sulking because you're not attending to his needs? Jesus wept, he needs to grow up. What is he doing to support and help you?

[Chchchchchanges2018]

@scottishdiem this is what I worry about-it is a two way thing and obviously things have changed massively for us as a couple since the kids came along 😐

He is very supportive and amazing with both our baby and toddler; he does more than I think a lot of blokes do (and he cooks a lot which I appreciate) but as is often the way I think for many if not most couples I definitely take on the 'mental load' if that makes sense?

We really need some time together; unfortunately the toddler no longer naps and nobody is brave enough to babysit for us because of how DD is-she probably wouldn't wake but every now and again she wakes about an hour after I put her down and although she just needs shushing it seems that I'm the only one able to settle her

I feel at the moment such a sense of unfairness that DH would even ask me to do anything additional when I already do so much for our family. He has his own time and his freedom, gets to go out etc etc etc. Why can't he just accept that this is how it is for the moment instead of bloody sulking?!

[Cawfee]

Because he’s just a selfish giant man child. Most of them are and I’m starting to wonder why anyone really bothers with having a man in their life. Too much hard work for zero reward

[Shoxfordian]

He's selfish and thinks he's entitled to sex. He thinks part of your job is to satisfy him sexually so he's sulking because you're not doing that.

This is such an unattractive sexist attitude.

[category12]

What about your needs? I mean, you don't even get any pleasure out of that, just an achy wrist - he's not going out of his way to make it an attractive offer, is he?

[Hont1986]

"all round the last 7 months have been really tough."

Have you been intimate at all in the past 7 months? It's easy to judge him but I think if the genders were swapped people would be more sympathetic.

[stevesmithsmum]

Most of them are and I’m starting to wonder why anyone really bothers with having a man in their life. and here ladies and gentleman is the definition of sexism.

Sulking is not an attractive trait. However, couples need to feel connected during pretty much all phases of a marriage including the baby period for a healthy relationship.

[Spanglyprincess1]

Sulking isn't really on but I get the need for affection but this shouldn't be one sided! . Could you have a bath or some you time and he take the kids for an hour and then you might be more relaxed ? Or maybe some cuddling time in front of TV or with a book. No pressure for more but physical contact for both of you.

[HarmlessChap]

Sulking is rediculous but persistent rejection can also destroy any feeling of self worth you may have. Dismissing him being upset by the loss of some kind if intimacy with his partner as beIng a manchild misses the point that the relationship between the parents is also important.

A loss of intimacy can easily snowball. The 1st decade after we had children we hardly dtd some years it might be twice others 6 general intimacy also slid, then all intimacy (not just sex) stopped for 2 years only started back once our youngest was 14. That was only because I said I wouldn't stay in a marriage which was no more than housemates, it took a while to reignite thinkgs but we have.

[Adora10]

He's a selfish git OP, sulking cos he can't get his own way basically; I'd let him sulk his life away.

[Adora10]

Honestly, any man that sulks, goes off and has an affair or becomes addicted to porn is not worth having; they are not going to humanly cumbust if they don't get a hand job; it's ridiculous to say otherwise, he has two fucken hands no?

Perhaps if you were less exhausted and he helped out more, you'd be more inclined, it just sounds he demands, you refused and now he's thrown his toys out the pram; pathetic.

[Loopytiles]

Sex with another person is not a “need” it’s a desire.

Particularly selfish to suggest you wank him off rather than initiating mutual sex! Understandable to want intimacy, physical affection and ideally also sex from your partner, but he isn’t going about it the right way!

7 months is still tiny.

He “does more than other men” with the DC, but it doesn’t sound like does anywhere near as much as you do. Does he, for example, take DC1 out regularly, while you try to rest as much as is possible with a high maintenance baby?

[category12]

The relationship between parents is important, but it's not exactly going to light anyone's fire if it's presented like a chore and it's all about him getting off.

If he is going out of his way to give op a couple of hours kid free and trying to make her feel good and desirable, then I apologise.

[HarmlessChap]

Sex with another person is not a “need” it’s a desire.

Sex and intimacy is on Maslow's hierarchy of human needs.

[WeeMadArthur]

Well he doesn’t need a handjob from OP, he has his own hands, he can do it himself. I can only imagine how happy he would be if, after he had made dinner, OP asked him to see to her (and only her) needs.

[gamerchick]

Sex with another person is not a “need” it’s a desire

Speak for yourself. I would feed hard done to if there's zero intamacy in my relationship. Doing it yourself is all very well but you don't get a connection then.

That said I do sympathise at the being touched out. I've had the need to nurture the bond talk in the past and see it as an urgent matter to attend to. I understand it's the last thing you feel like doing though.

Don't know what to suggest OP. If you don't want to then you don't want to. Personally I don't see the problem with it, I don't mind milking them quickly. Doesn't take long and makes them feel better.

A chat definitely sound on the cards though, it's easy to say suck it up when your OH is massively unavailable because of X,y,z but it doesnt help you feel any different. Maybe strategies to help the bairn settle for other people?

[SleepingStandingUp]

Why can't he do it himself?? There's no intimacy in you wanking him off. He's not asking for a kiss and a cuddle or even a bit of mutual second base just another chore on your to do list.

I get the touched put thing. Dh has walked in after work to give me a cuddle and has literally been told to go away and go touch his son. Thankfully he knew what I meant

Can you make some time once the kids are down to do no technology, no telly and jist talk? No touching or just holding hands. Talk about anything but just try for 10 minutes a day to connect on a level where you actually want a cuddle or a hug or a kiss rather than obliging?

[scottishdiem]

"There's no intimacy in you wanking him off."

Really? Some couples have a greater range of intimacy and pleasurable actions. DP and I can both have a great time pleasuring the other person. Not all intimacy is lights off, under the covers, vanilla sex.

Sulking is still bad though.