Coming to terms with ending my marriage

[SortingItOut]

Didn't know what else to call my thread but feel like I need somewhere to sound off about my marriage ending and although I have people in real life to talk to I don't want to necessarily tell them all the annoying things my (ex) husband is doing.

I have been reading loads of threads on here and I realise now that I am partly to blame for letting my marriage get to this point when I should have ended it much earlier. I also think I may be co-dependent.

Any recommendations for reading material appreciated.

This thread may turn in to a drip feed but that is only because as things pop into my head I will post about them and my memory is not as good as it was.

My marriage has been in trouble since about day one and I never should have let things cruise along until we are 17 years down the line.

My husband suffers with depression and has over the years had emotional affairs with other women, he always seems to overstep the boundaries between friendship and something more and can't see that what he has done is wrong.
I do not believe for one minute he ever attempted to meet any women, he lacks confidence and I think he did it for attention.

My problem is that although I have never forgot or forgiven I did just brush it all under the carpet and so he was free to continue doing what he has always done.

Each 'event' when it occurred would result in him denying it and as these were usually texts/messages etc he would just delete them from his phone or in one case he snapped the sim card in half. In his mind I guess, if I had no proof I couldn't do anything.
I would then not talk to him for weeks on end while he pretended everything was ok, he would stop helping with the kids and housework and just lay in bed when he wasn't at work.
If we discussed it he would dent it still, threaten to kill himself if I left etc.
So eventually we would get back on speaking terms and I would pretend that everything was ok while silently seething and wishing I could go. He would behave for a while and then eventually he would do it all again and when caught that time would then admit to the time before but deny that occasion.
The cycle carried on and as I have been so worried about his mental health I have stayed.

For the last 8 years I have been planning to leave - I thought once my daughter was 18 I could walk and so I have mainly been putting up with things, rarely checking his phone and not giving a monkeys about anything.

Fast forward to December and I told him that I wanted out of our marriage and I didn't want to be with him - it was a bit of a shock for him but nothing happened as we both got really ill and then his step-dad died.

For some reason 3 weeks ago I decided to check his phone - I don't even know why, I haven't checked his phone for years and I found a message to a lady who he had been chatting to asking if he could take her out.
She ignored his question and they carried on chatting but nothing other than friendly stuff.

That 1 message tipped me over the edge and I told him that night our marriage was over and we have been sleeping in separate beds since, I have seen a solicitor and know my rights. he is currently looking at properties and I am hoping he will be out by next week.

Sorry he has just come in from work be back soon

[Adora10]

Sorry but if a person treated me as abysmally as him I'd take care of my OWN mental health; I honestly don't know how you have put up with that; he's a persistent offender; to the point it's an actual joke.

How could it be a shock, what normal self respecting women would want to be stuck with that arsehole.

OP, if you don't go now you are mad cos it sounds like he'd be out the door at any available woman that was daft enough to have him.

You don't actually have a marriage. Please live your life, you only get one.

Good luck, keep going, you are nearly there!

[SortingItOut]

Unfortunately I have been so worried about his mental health over the years and the impact on our daughter that I didn't feel able to leave.

I didn't feel that I could live with the guilt if he killed himself.

I know now that it was just another way of controlling me and I wonder how I could have been so stupid to stay but I can't change the past but I can definitely change the future.

Luckily I am a positive person and I don't actually think my life has been too bad, I have a home I love, a job I love and 2 children (my son is not his) - it was just these blips every so often.

His other issue has been spending - he is a spendaholic - he has huge debts and at times I have had to cover all the bills.
Luckily about 5 years ago he got poorly and was unable to work, as a result he had to default on all his debts and I took over his finances as he was too unwell to manage them.
I have been managing them with his input for all this time but still he has spent money which was not available for spending so where I have tried to get him to save this has to be put back into his main account to cover direct debits and online purchases.

This was all thrown back in my face and apparently I am too controlling and never allowed him access to his own money.
He also had the nerve to tell me that I had too many parcels being delivered - I was going away for a girls weekend and ordered some bits and pieces - I have never commented on his parcels and he has had loads every week.

Since I told him about ending the marriage he has changed his online banking details, opened a new bank account and has been spending like there is no tomorrow. There have been 12 parcels between yesterday and today and I just keep smiling thinking that this is not my problem any more.

At the weekend he went to buy a car and has got finance - it was just another way to try and annoy me as I don't agree with cars on finance. He did not get the reaction he was expecting as I didn't comment on it.

So he has been to view a nice property today and has to meet the owner tomorrow, if she likes him they will do all the checks on him and hopefully he can move in next weekend.

I am so looking forward to not living with him - I know it will be hard as I will have he dogs and also all our other animals (we have a smallholding) but I don't care as I just want to be on my own.

We have not told DD (now 15) or DS (21) as DS has exams which finish tomorrow so I plan to tell him over the weekend and we will tell DD on Saturday morning as she needs to make a decision about where she lives.
She is a daddy's girl so I think she will want to live with him which is fine with me as he works at her school and so for school runs it is ideal.

A few friends know but not my family so I will be telling them at the weekend also - its going to come as a great shock to a lot of them as they think our marriage is perfect.

I am considering counselling to come to terms with all of this as I need to get my head straightened out and realise what I have been through for all these years.

[redastherose]

You sound like your doing really well OP. Keep strong, please do try and find a counsellor who you can relate to as it will make all the difference to how well you get through this. I was also with a controlling ex who used the I've thought of committing suicide threat to stop me leaving. It's an awful way to live and I am so happy that mine is an ex now. It's really amazing once you've got them out of your life.

[hellsbellsmelons]

Wow - well done OP.
You've served your time with this one.
You have it all planned and sorted.
Keep going and keep strong.

[GreenFingersWouldBeHandy]

Gosh, just wanted to say well done for being so organised and prepared.

Don't beat yourself over not leaving years ago - you have done what made sense for you and your family at the time.

Yes, I think counselling would be a good idea, just to help you do what you're going here... talking and working through things.

I hope the talk with the DC goes well this weekend, they are old enough to realise that it is for the best.

The future is bright and it's all YOURS.

[SortingItOut]

I just need to get this down here in case I need to refer to it in the future for anything.

He has always been economical with the truth, not just with me but with others and I really hate it. I don't believe a word he says anyway but I hate the way he lies to other people
He hasn't done it for a while to other people, although maybe I haven't been in earshot but today he has blatantly lied and it has really pissed me off.

So for the last month or so I knew he was going away this weekend with work and his job was to take some of the equipment up to where they are staying. About 3 weeks ago his car broke down and it cant be fixed until next week as neither the garage we use or the mobile mechanic is available.
I thought he was borrowing a work vehicle but it turns out that he hadn't asked so today he tries to 'fix' his car and it breaks down while he is on a drive and then he tells his boss that the car broke today and he cant get it fixed.

Cue mad panic from his boss and him trying to get another vehicle for him to drive as he must take the equipment as no one else can and they are all going at different times.

I know in the grand scheme of lying its nothing major and no one died but my god he knew weeks ago his car would not be fixed (and my car is not big enough) so why did he not sort things before today???

Luckily my brother has come to the rescue and got his boss to lend my husband a van to use.

I have been inwardly cringing when he has been on the phone to people and I am just so embarrassed even though no one else knows it is a lie.

I'm going to be so glad when he has gone - its looking more likely, the owner of the house up for rent likes him and he has been to the estate agents to pay the admin fee today.

[SortingItOut]

The classic from him last night was that we should have a baby!!!

Apparently babies save marriages, I told him they only save marriages until the child has grown up as the woman stays so the child has a mum and dad and anyway who would look after said baby??

Apparently he will and he will get up with it and everything, never mind that he would sleep for 24hrs a day and can't even wake up when the dogs need to go out in the night.

I obviously told him where to go.

Today he has been off work, he has emptied the bins and washed up - he has not done either of these for years.

Apparently he is trying to change his ways and he has also said that he will be back home for Xmas as our marriage will all be sorted. Clearly still deluded.

Still waiting on credit check to come back, hoping it will be tomorrow so he can move out asap.

The kids still don't know as DD invited a friend round who stayed for 2 days and then he went away with work. when he came back he announced he wanted to wait until the house was confirmed before we tell her - I reluctantly agreed but I know this is his last ounce of control and he is trying to exercise that power.

I feel like we need to tell her tomorrow even though the house has not been confirmed, I want to tell everyone instead of pretending we are happy families.

[hellsbellsmelons]

It's horrible keeping it a 'secret'
It just eats away at you.
You can take back control of this situation.
Let him know that you are telling her tonight.
So he can either be there or not.

Another baby will fix everything!!???
Wow - how deluded is he?

Well done on standing your ground.
Keep going - keep strong.

[SortingItOut]

He has been accepted for a house and gets the keys today.
He has been doing his most favourite thing of all for most of the week - spending all his money on things for his new house.

We told the children 2 nights ago - he wanted me to tell them that we are just living apart rather than split up but they know what living apart means as they are not stupid, I thought DD had taken it well but last night she was so upset and we had a good cry together. She is 15.
I think it is the shock of the situation - she has helped pick out her bedroom furniture and we have talked about the plans for where she stays etc.

I don't regret my decision and I did apologise to her for the mess but told her I cant live with him any more.
Last night it really made me think that I should have left when she was very young as she wouldn't have been used to having her parents living together.

God this is so hard.

[SortingItOut]

So he collected his keys on Saturday and then we spent all day Sunday building flat pack furniture, he spent his last night in my house on Sunday night.

DD is staying with him at the moment as much easier for school, she is concerned about the lack of internet which is switched on tomorrow!!

I saw them both Monday night when I took more stuff round, didn't see them last night and am going round again tonight with more stuff including loads of parcels that have been delivered this week.

I am not sure how I should feel but I feel emotionless - sometimes I get a lump in my throat when I hear a sad song on the radio but other than that life has continued as normal.
I think this has been so long in the making that I am all cried out over the years.

After the first few weeks I am hoping not to see him more than once a week (if that) when I collect/drop off DD.

[AdaArdor]

Not much to add OP other than if you do want to explore your co-dependence I would recommend "Codependent no more" by Melody Beattie.

At least he is gone and can no longer control you! He sounds so frustrating. Well done for being strong and good luck for the future

[Mountainsoutofmolehills]

Bella, if a sad thought comes into your mind, think of a beach.
What you re doing is hard, but you couldn't carry on with it..... it's normal to be sad. Just pick a hobby, or an interest, get yourself learning something new, this time will pass. Join a yoga class, or cross fit and get a new body and some friends. Movement is great for freeing the body and even the heartbroken laugh in Zumba.