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Relationships

OCD Husband versus my old mum

57 replies

Heydiddlydee · 24/05/2018 16:22

I'm at my wits end & want other peoples views please.
My DH & I sold our house last year & purchased a bigger one with an annex for my elderly mum to move into to. It was all good throughout winter & she loved it. Now that spring has come, my mum wanted to plant some flowers in the garden & make it pretty... here is where my problem has started. My husband has always done all the gardening at our old house & always kept it lovely, but he is laying down the law to my mum on what she can & cant do. No plastic pots, no ornaments, no flowers out the front etc. He is now moaning that the few flowers he has allowed her to plant are not colour co-ordinating. He has told her that he will put stuff in the bin if he doesn't like it or he just picks things up and moves it to where he can't see it in the garden. I feel so upset for my mum, but he won't have any of it. I always knew he had a bit of OCD, but never realised how bad it was in the garden (because I have never helped to do any gardening, so never really paid too much attention). I know my mum is getting upset about all of this & I think she regrets moving in with us. I've tried talking to him, but he says its his garden, and wants it his way. (Unfortunately is is not the sort of garden that you can separate into each others parts because of the layout). We've been married 35 years, but I can feel this might end up splitting us up. My mums last few years were meant to be a nice place to live, but now he's turned into a dictator. I would appreciate anyone's view on how I handle this.

OP posts:
TheEmojiFormerlyKnownAsPrince · 24/05/2018 16:24

Your husband is mean. No matter how bad his OCD, he is behaving like a twat.

kissthealderman · 24/05/2018 16:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Heydiddlydee · 24/05/2018 16:27

She used to have plastic ducks, but agreed to get rid of them. Now she just wants some pots & flowers. He has specified what sort of pots & where they can go.

OP posts:
kissthealderman · 24/05/2018 16:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Heydiddlydee · 24/05/2018 16:33

He's brought some pots, but she wanted some outside her door so she could see them better, but he's said no - they can only go where he puts them so that its all in "order".

OP posts:
Handsfull13 · 24/05/2018 16:33

Is there a way in which you could section off at little of your garden for your Mum to have. That way you could reason that it's her part and therefore doesn't impact on your husbands style and appearance.
Even if you need to buy those little white picket fence bits to mark it off.

TammySwansonTwo · 24/05/2018 16:36

I’d tell him it’s just as much your garden as his, and him being a dictator is not acceptable.

DartmoorDoughnut · 24/05/2018 16:36

Tbh I get everything he’s done apart from the not allowing pots at her door, tell him to suck it up and shut up she’s having the pots and then ignore him.

I’m assuming she’s put some money in to enable you to all buy a bigger place?

Even if she hasn’t tell him to stop bullying your poor mum!

BackToTheFuschia7 · 24/05/2018 16:37

When you say ‘OCD’ do you mean he is formally diagnosed?

Heydiddlydee · 24/05/2018 16:37

He's just constantly watching out the window to see what she is doing & moaning that the flowers are mixed up colours. He can't understand why they don't go in any order. I'm frightened he's going to dig them up... and if he does I'm going to flip. I hate falling out with my husband. We are best friends & have only every have about 5 rows in all our years together, but this is tearing me apart because I know he is wrong. I just don't know how to get him to compromise?

OP posts:
LunaTrap · 24/05/2018 16:38

Your poor Mum. Tell your nasty bully of a husband to leave her alone, she wants a few plant pots outside her door fgs.

Heydiddlydee · 24/05/2018 16:40

No, not diagnosed with OCD, but he has always wanted everything in order & tidy. .. everything has always had a place to be in (both in the house & outside).. I've never minded this, because I'm quite messy, so I've always liked that he tidied up around me.

OP posts:
NeverHadANickname · 24/05/2018 16:40

Has he ever had CBT? Sounds like it could be useful. This is an issue he needs to sort, he can not control everything and I say this as someone with diagnosed OCD.

Heydiddlydee · 24/05/2018 16:41

& yes, mum sold her bungalow to live with us, so contributed towards the house as well.

OP posts:
RatherBeRiding · 24/05/2018 16:41

If your mum has made/is making any financial contribution to living with you, then I think she has the right to have her views on her living space listened to - it's not as though she'a asking for a giant neon Santa on the roof or anything!

He is being very very unreasonable in any case - the placing of a few pots is surely neither here nor there. And regardless of your mum's financial contributions - it's not HIS garden - it's just as much yours as his and he needs to find ways of dealing with his OCD so that you all enjoy the garden.

Need a diagram of garden layout really, and your mum's annexe, so we can advise on whether or not a portion can be set aside for her.

MarthaArthur · 24/05/2018 16:41

Sorry op but your husband is being deeply unpleasant. Its not his garden its a communal space for everyone who lives in the house. He is bullying an old woman who just wants her flowers and he is threatening to bin her stuff. He cant control her and needs to get help.

Heydiddlydee · 24/05/2018 16:42

We cant section the garden off... and I can just imaging his face at the suggestion of w white picket fence :0

OP posts:
BlueJava · 24/05/2018 16:42

Gosh! I'm sorry for you and your mum. Your DH seems very unreasonable about this. I'd have thought anyone could give a bit in the garden about plants, even ornaments. Splitting up seems drastic over 35 years, so I've tried to come up with constructive suggestions (apart from the obvious which is that he shoud change his behaviour as he's totally unreasonable):

  1. Could they do the garden together? Is it possible they went to the garden centre together so he's in control of what is bought and where it goes, but your mum gets the pleasure of doing it and planting it?


  1. If she really can't have a border could she grow things in her room or have a windowbox/couple of tubs? Perhaps cultivate some unusual indoor plants instead?


  1. I don't know if you/she is able but is an allotment a possibility?


I realise those are ideal, just trying to think of some suggestions whereby both are kept happy. If you do end up going different ways bleach on the lawn in the shape of a penis sounds a very .good idea.
AdaColeman · 24/05/2018 16:44

He is being a bit of a controlling prat isn't he.
Remind him that these are your mother's last years and he will have the rest of his life to have the garden just how he wants it.

Can he not be gracious enough to give her a corner for herself, maybe hidden by trellis, with a seat for her there?

I think it's a good idea for them to go and select things together, it might bring them closer together, as a shared love of plants/flowers should.

Let's hope she doesn't get upset and sprinkle cottage garden seed mix in all his borders!

TwitterQueen1 · 24/05/2018 16:44

What a horrible man. Your poor mum. There are often few pleasures in life for older people and little things mean a lot. I have placed my bird feeder where I can see it from my sofa; your mum simply wants to see her flowers. And is it really too much for your DH to tolerate the colours she wants?

Tell your DH that nature is not 'ordered' and that he needs to suck this up.

pinkbraces · 24/05/2018 16:44

What a nasty man. I think a compromise is needed

PerfectPenquins · 24/05/2018 16:45

Wow sorry it’s not HIS garden then is it? Your mum contributed financially so she put her flowers out in her own bloody pots and have ducks in her area if she wants! Your husband is a nasty prick.

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LunaTrap · 24/05/2018 16:47

It is your Mum's garden too then. How dare he treat her like that.

Heydiddlydee · 24/05/2018 16:47

I'm sure if he pisses me or mum off any more, then I love the idea of a giant bleach penis in he sacred lawn..lol.

OP posts:
MarthaArthur · 24/05/2018 16:49

Sorry op its a horrible situation. My Opa wasnt allowed to plant his flowers anymore and it was really upsetting for him. Your mother isnt asking for the whole garden. He needs to compromise and learn she also lives there and its also her garden to make her own decisions.

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