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(20 Posts)
tinmonkey Thu 24-May-18 16:08:21

Here's the thing, I left my partner of 4 yrs just before Christmas with 3 children (1 Is his) and very little else. I left due to our relationship breaking down, him making me anxious but also me realising he's a narcissist.
Anyway, we've had contact daily since splitting and seem to be getting along real well. We spend more time than we should together. So much so I'm beginning to feel the spark again. The only thing is my family hate him, my 2 children hate him and I'd stand to lose everything if I got back with him. It's really getting to me. My best friend says that he still loves me and HE wants me back. I feel I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place 😔

donajimena Thu 24-May-18 16:17:29

Think of your children. They hate him and you risk damaging your relationship. Its not as if they dislike him for no reason. You say yourself his behaviour was not good.
If you really can't live without him you don't have to live with him.
I'm in a LTR and I won't live with my partner. He's a decent man and my children like him. But I still won't put my/our needs above my children. I appreciate one child is his but they can still have a meaningful relationship apart.
You have probably got your rose tinted spectacles on.

Quartz2208 Thu 24-May-18 17:56:47

why do you children hate him?

He has not changed - of course he wants you back but dont say that hje has changed

tinmonkey Thu 24-May-18 18:38:34

My children from a previous relationship hate him because of the way he treated me. He looked down on them, wouldn't let me finish what I was saying or get my point across......
There are little things he does now that he never used to. But my fear is how long will it change for before it goes back to the way he used to treat me.
Don't get me wrong I was no angel, BUT I was called everything from worthless to idiotic and stupid. confused

AnyFucker Thu 24-May-18 18:41:49

Put him before your kids

Top idea

Quartz2208 Thu 24-May-18 18:44:24

Yep they legitimately hate him then. Listen to them - as soon as you are back it will go back to the way it was

tinmonkey Thu 24-May-18 18:52:24

I didn't once say I was putting him before my children. I'm just very confused. I know I risk my relationship with my kids and that is something I do not want. There is absolutely no way I'd risk it. It just feels hard as we talk more civil etc since me moving out.
I left beginning of December with 2 mattresses, a wardrobe, a chest of drawers our clothes and the kids. He made out on his fb profile I'd taken everything and left him with nothing.
It's just very very hard. 😔

RainySeptember Thu 24-May-18 18:54:03

He's a narcissist yet for some reason you believe this best version of himself he's showing to you? You don't think he might be, you know, being a tiny bit manipulative?

You escaped someone with a personality disorder who makes you anxious and called you names, whom your dc dislike. Stay escaped.

AnyFucker Thu 24-May-18 18:56:40

If you get back with him you absolutely would be putting your relationship with him before your children

pisces7268 Thu 24-May-18 18:58:32

Could you try being together but not living together and see how that goes?

tinmonkey Thu 24-May-18 19:03:18

Thank you. I had an idea he was a narcissist, and I know he'll probably never change.
And I know people are saying stay well clear and I know I should. I know he's a mental bully, because I know he's inside my head 😔 and I am trying to break away from it, but after being told you're all those things for long enough its really hard 😢

Daydreamer2407 Thu 24-May-18 19:06:52

He's being all nice to get you back. That's what narcissists do. He hasn't change it's just a front and it won't take long for that to start again. I got back with an ex after 3 years apart thinking he had changed and he's actually worse. Don't do it!!

meowimacat Thu 24-May-18 19:10:48

He looked down on them

This would be EXACTLY enough reason to NEVER let him back in your life. You are putting him in front of your kids for even considering to take him back. I could never do that. How could you still want someone who has treated your children like he has?

Realise he is doing all he can to win you over. Doesn't mean he's changed. He's keeping you around and sweet so you don't move on with your life. As long as you keep in such close and regular contact you will never move on and he knows that.

meowimacat Thu 24-May-18 19:11:47

Sorry that was harsh, I understand you have feelings and it must be hard for you. Just realise you have to consciously move on from him even if your heart wants him.

AttilaTheMeerkat Thu 24-May-18 19:13:26

Enrol yourself onto the Freedom Programme run by Womens Aid asap; this will help you no end better recognise the red flags and maintain better boundaries in relationships. Doing that too will help get this disordered of thinking man out of your head.

It is NOT possible to have any sort of a relationship with a narcissist and such disordered of thinking people will say and do anything to get someone like you (who is probably codependent in relationships) on side. He is simply doing what he did last time to you; you're in the idealise stage soon to be followed by devalue and discard. Showing love is a tool they use to con people.

Read this too:-

tinmonkey Thu 24-May-18 19:37:17

Thanks people. I now have clarity and know what I'm to do..... find myself AGAIN

category12 Thu 24-May-18 19:55:25

Your best way forward to stop all the nicey-nicey contact. It's a lie and it's sucking you back in. Limit contact to access arrangements to your child together and child support (is he paying?) - don't enter into dialogue about anything else.

Aprilmightbemynewname Thu 24-May-18 19:57:46

I got back with my twat exh when he convinced me he had changed.
He lied.
He was indeed still very much a twat.
I would suggest he is trying to prevent you moving on and meeting someone better as he is a selfish twunt.
Onwards and upwards op.

blueangel1 Thu 24-May-18 20:05:56

Narcissists don't change, they just manipulate other people into doing what they want. If they realise they have no supply, they will go back to an ex and "hoover" in an attempt to convince their victim that they've changed and everything will be fine and dandy in the future. As soon as they have got their feet back under the table, it's no more Mr Nice Guy.

tinmonkey Thu 24-May-18 21:19:23

Thank you for the advice. I've just had a realisation moment and can now see clarity lol

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