Horrid father in-law

[gem1n1]

I am so stressed out re my ‘father in-law’ (we aren’t married but I guess now we have a baby together he is technically my father in-law)
My baby is 4 weeks old and before the baby my relationship was somewhat strained. We are polar opposites. He is the type of man who thinks really old fashioned, believes men should work women stay at home and cook and clean. He doesn’t lift a finger at his home, does nothing for his wife and generally is a very lazy man. He lacks sympathy for anyone and can’t hold a conversation with a woman. He is a ‘mans man’ and doesn’t know how to act around women. Because of this our relationship has been pretty non existent for the past 11 years, I mean the other day I heard him ask my partner what my surname was! He doesn’t know my full name in 11 years so that pretty much sums up how interested he is in me! Last year I had to have surgery on my head, involving my skull being drilled into whilst awake, obviously any surgery is scary but when it’s to do with your brain I feel as though it’s definitely one to be taken seriously. I needed all the support I could get from family and the night before I went in he was mocking the surgery telling me his knee surgery was more of a risky painful procedure and laughing about it etc and I left his house crying my eyes out, so offended. My partner was in the room at the time and didn’t say a word! His family seem to be scared to stand up against him, he can be quite intimidating. So this is something I will never forget. After the surgery he never once asked how I was and after giving birth recently via a c-section he again has not asked how I am or anything. Now I am absolutely stressing out knowing I’m going to have to see him more due to me having my baby and I know this sounds horrendous but the thought of him holding my baby makes me feel physically sick. When I know that he is coming over on the weekend A few days before I start really stressed out about it and I can’t seem to enjoy my days because I know he’s going to be in my house holding my baby I’m not even acknowledging me. He makes me feel so insecure and to make matters worse we have given our son the same name as him as it’s a family tradition of theirs and I so desperately didn’t want to honour him that because of how disgusting he is towards me. It took us three weeks to name our son purely for the fact that I could not commit to his name. I do not want him to be named after such an ignorant horrid man. But because my partner has the same name I almost felt like I had no choice. I never really told my partner before this how strong my feelings were towards his dad but because I was having such a hard time naming Our baby I had to be completely honest and my partner was really shocked but did admit that he is funny around me. How am I going to shake this feeling off? I can’t carry on feeling like this as each time he comes round my house I end up resenting him even more to the point now I barely can even look at him. Not that it makes any difference to him because he doesn’t look at me or make any conversation with me anyway even since the babys been born May I add! I had to be completely honest and my partner was really shocked but did admit that he is funny around me. How am I going to shake this feeling off? I can’t carry on feeling like this as each time he comes round my house I end up resenting him even more to the point now I barely can even look at him. Not that it makes any difference to him because he doesn’t look at me or make any conversation with me anyway even since the babies being born.
There are so many things I could say that I’ve gone on the list is endless, any advice would be great.

[hellsbellsmelons]

Are you breastfeeding?
If not then, can you be out when he comes round.
Do you have your own family around you at all?
Any friends nearby?
You had a choice in your baby's name.
But you were bullied into a name you aren't happy with.
That's not OK.
But I think you need to go as minimal contact as you can.
No going round to his house.
If your DP wants to go he can go on his own.
Is your DP supportive at all?

[FizzyGreenWater]

You were bullied into giving your child a name of a man like this?

That's awful.

You can change the name and I suggest you look into that.

Does your son have a middle name?

Your partner sounds absolutely spineless, which is of course your main problem. Except when it comes to bullying you of course... don't tell me, your son has your partner's surname too? Did you know that if you're not married, then TRADITION dictates that the surname should be yours?

You don't have to have him to visit. You don't even have to stay part of this family if they're going to make life a misery.

Can you talk to your partner?

But like I say, you have til the baby is a year old to re-register the name. It's slightly more complicated if the names were given during a baptism. You can add names - you could add a forename you like and have that put in front!

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

I would look seriously into changing your son's name asap so that it does not reflect the name of either his dad or his grandfather. You do not have to see this man any more even though you now have a baby; it will do your son no favours at all to come into contact with someone as toxic as his grandfather. Not all relatives are nice and or emotionally healthy to be around. You need to lower all forms of contact with your partner's dad to zero.

What does your partner think of his dad and his behaviours towards you?. Apart from him your other issue here is your partner because he is also mired in fear, obligation and guilt when it comes to his so called father. You do not have to remain with your partner either particularly if he cannot or will not protect you from his dad's malign abusive influences.

[MistressDeeCee]

So the whole family are bullied by this idiot?

Well..as you've now had a baby by your utterly spineless partner what can you actually do aside from being out as much as you can when FIL is around, stop engaging with him, and tell that boy you've had a child for you won't be mocked and made upset by his dad anymore so what's he going to do about it?

You've now brought a child into this oddbod family. & as a parent, in future you are going to have to stand up for your child in the face of your FILs bullying, amongst other things.

Its best that you start now. Your child will need you in this.

That's my take on your story anyway..even tho my whole insides are screaming for God's sake tell this man to fuck off to his own house, don't come near you don't touch you don't address you, and leave your child alone

I cannot abide bullies. I detest the way they can have people cowering and dancing to the tune of their nasty behaviour. They're weak, as they need to upset others in order to feel like 'somebody'. I'm afraid I do confront - I won't stand for it.

Horrible that he mocked you after you'd had surgery. & now he's making you stressed and anxious, and he knows he is.

Start now. Get help from someone outside the family if you feel you need support to stand up to him.

Good luck
💐

[bonnyshide]

Don't go to his house.

Don't invite him to yours, and if your DP really wants to invite him over, then go out while they are visiting.

[gem1n1]

Thank you so much to everyone who has replied,
I feel a sigh of relief to know that the way I’m feeling towards this man is accounted for!
My partner makes me feel like I am blowing the whole situation out of Proportion. He is due to come over this Saturday and I’m absolutely dreading it. I’m breastfeeding so I can’t leave whilst he is here and also I wouldn’t feel comfortable leaving him here without me watching over him with the baby.
In regards to the name it really has put me in such a difficult position because I know how much it means to my partner that he has the same name as him and even when I told him that the issue was that his dad has the same name he was trying to make it sound as though we aren’t naming Him after his dad we name in our son after my partner but regardless it’s his dad’s family name.
It’s such a shame because I get on with his mum and sister so well that every time they come his dads there too and I just feel like I can’t not see him without causing a huge family row and I don’t want to offend his mum or sister by telling them my true feelings about his dad. I’m in such a bad situation. I have spoken to my side of the family and my friends and they all are basically saying exactly what is being posted on here my mum is even offered to come to the house and pretend like I didn’t know she was coming up whilst he was here but she can’t do that every time . We also live about 40 minute drive away from them so they don’t just popping either are there here for a good for five hours which isn’t great for me at the moment especially after recovering from a section I’m absolutely exhausted and sleep deprived for hours every Saturday is just too much. I tell my partner this but he doesn’t let his family know that I would prefer them to only come out for an hour or so. Shall I have another serious sit down with my partner do you think??

[fuzzywuzzy]

Can you go to your parents this weekend? I’d just go off, your ‘d’p has no regard for your feelings and condition why should you care what he thinks.

You sound like you need a rest.

[gem1n1]

You’re right I do need rest! The only reason why his family are coming up on Saturday is to see the baby so I can’t up and leave to go to my parents with your baby, if they weren’t coming I probably would do that X

[glitterfarts]

5 hour visit when they live a 40 min drive away is unreasonable! Is this every weekend? I'd be telling your DP to go there on his own every 2nd and 4th weekend and the 3rd weekend is for family time, just the 3 of you.
You can visit your Mum when your partner is at his family. Book a lot of family events in over the next few weekends. Just be unavailable for 5 hour visits.
I'd also look into changing the name - and I would be giving your surname. Since your DP can't be bothered marrying you, he obviously isn't that worried about the family having his name.

[SandyY2K]

Let your mum come over this weekend. I know she can't do it all the time.

Can you call your son a shortened version of the name? Or make it his middle name.

He sounds really nasty.

[SandyY2K]

And you can openly say you're tired and still recovering....so take you and the baby off to rest.

[gem1n1]

Yes they have been coming up every weekend I don’t know how much more I can take before I end up going so mad that I end up offending everyone! I think I’ll talk to my partner tonight once he’s come back from work and let him know that every weekend just isn’t doable. I’ve still got my family and friends that haven’t been able to come up and meet my baby I can never arrange anything Only Saturday because they’re coming up . The more I think about it the more I unreasonable I’m realising this whole situation is. His dad is nasty and I don’t have the patience to deal with it now I have a baby

[gem1n1]

I think I will ask my mum to come up as I’m feeling terribly anxious about Saturday and it’s only Thursday now!!

[Azadewow]

If you want things to change you need to step up for yourself. If you don't want them to come then don't just expect ur partner to do it (cause he is too gutless) and just tell them yourself. Tell them u only want them to come for an hour or whatever you want. I personally would have long told your FIL he is not welcome in my house until he starts treating me with respect he is not being "traditional", he is an entitled disrespectful asshole, who thinks unless you have dick, you are not worthy of his time and respect. Stop trying to spare everyone's feelings when they have no respect or concern about your own. And if you don't want to give your child that name, then don't. I actually think naming a child after the parents name is ridiculous and such parents are self absorbed and selfish. Three generations of the same name? Most be confusing as well

[LouHotel]

I really feel for you, recovering after childbirth and sleep depreciation are difficult enough without a supportive partner and you need to realised yours is not stepping up!

Dp's are the gatekeepers after a baby is born, He needs to be telling your family they cam visit for an hour or however long your comfortable with. If he can't do that or starts saying your unreasonable then please take yourself to your mum's with the baby so you'll actually have someone whose there for you.

[LouHotel]

*his family

[Hissy]

Get your mum to come up, agree a code word with her and if you want her to get them to get the fuck out leave, then she can help that conversation along and encourage or tell them even to go..

Your DP needs to step up and support you

[senioritabonita]

I realise this will go against the grain for you but please think about why you are so worried about upsetting him and offending him?

He has upset and offended you and his wife and kids know what he is like so please stick up for yourself.

I have done this since my FIL pushed me out of the way when I was pregnant and no one said anything. Now, I am in charge and they have to accept it if they want to see my DC. They say I am a battle axe and rude, good, I want them to be slightly nervous of me and leave me and my DC alone.

Example
FIL to DD "Is that a skirt? It's very short." to DH "Is she allowed out in that"
Me"What are you talking about, she's on the county team for netball and thats her kit, what a ridiculous thing to say" roll eyes at DD and laugh
FIL - massive huff ignores me for the rest of the day - result

FIL to DH "I can't believe you don't go to church, you always went to church before you moved up north. Why do you not let him go to church bonita?"
DH silence
Me "He can do what he wants, he's a grown man. I don't go to church because I don't believe in God, as you know. Do you believe in God MIL?"
MIL "not really no"
DF - internally raging - result - he's shut up

FIL to me "Why have you given DC weird names? I can't even pronounce them and its embarrassing"
Me - "they aren't weird names, you're being incredibly rude again" walk off
FIL flabbergasted and left flapping arms up and down

I am hoping eventually they'll just stop coming to see us all together.
Practise in your head and just do it. It feels great

[MistressDeeCee]

You're so worried about not offending anybody that you're allowing 1 person to offend you. Can you not see this is not the way to be? You'll end up driving yourself mad and he'll just laugh at you.

Your mum sounds ok, she can be your support perhaps & an assertiveness course would suit you, you can do online. Your priority is your baby and getting through life as best you can, not allowing some dickhead to overshadow the lot.

[SandyY2K]

Bonita you've mastered how to deal with your FIL.

OP ... You need to stand up for yourself. You don't have to be rude like FIL. You tell your DP that you have friends who haven't seen the baby yet, so this Saturday isn't convenient.

[OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow]

Fuck that shit. They come over, you and baby go out. You tell your weak dp that you don't want to see fil or having the whole circus there every fucking weekend. You change baby's name. Learn to say no. He laughs at you, cold hard look and say "How incredibly rude you are." Make him realise you are not a pushover. You do a Bonita. Be like Bonita.

[gem1n1]

Thank you for all your replies, especially senioritabonita !! Wow you are a strong person! I will definitely try and take on some of your advice, I love the senarios you have played out! It is actually extremely helpful! X

[gem1n1]

MistressDeeCee you’re right, I am already driving myself mad and he does just laugh at me and I know he loves the fact the baby is named after his family and he also knows I wasn’t too keen on it which turns my stomach it really does. I know I have to be more direct, and I will have to for my sanity.

[senioritabonita]

I am not at all to be honest - but I pretend to be.

It's fun - I channel Miranda in the Devil Wears Prada and glare at FIL. It has been an empowering experience for me because I have always been a people pleaser and wanted everyone to like me. Realising that nothing I did would make this snobbish unpleasant bully like a working class northerner like me was so liberating! An epiphany! He pushed me and I changed in that instant. You can too - stick up for yourself - I promise you'll get a taste for it.

When DS was born they came to see him and DH was shockingly unkind immediately - critising our 'squalid' house and demanding a 'hot cooked meal after that journey"
It was the first time I'd seen them since the pushing so I was armed and ready
"Well if you're off out for a meal, I'll take baby upstairs for a feed and a sleep" and off I went to bed. His face was hilarious - he'd actually expected me to cook him a meal I refused all requests to come down with the phrase 'Oh no, I wouldn't want to offend anyone by breast feeding" and smiled sweetly. I did let them see baby but I needed a little nap at that time
You just need to know that your DP will not undermine you.

Your baby, your rules and if he's rude to you, he gets told.

[gem1n1]

I have always been a people pleaser too and I guess I need to start focusing on making myself and my baby happy before anything else.
Thank you senioritabonita I do feel a lot less anxious about Saturday now and I am ready to start some truth telling if need be!!!!