In love with a friend

[SillySausage1234]

Morning guys,

It’s a bit of a dilemma one really so not necessarily looking for a way out but just a shoulder to share my feelings would be great.

Been friends with this guy for well over 4/5 years now, we met through the same social group but come from completely different backgrounds, he’s a Towny I’m surround by horses and dogs etc.

He’s had a bit of a “colourful” youth, typical party boy in his younger days and still likes the odd one now.

He’s been in a few long term relationships over the years and as we’ve grown closer I’ve had to watch them pan out and eventually break down.

We have had a brief fling a few Months ago but I wasn’t doing very well with my personal life and he had just lost his mum so it was just bad timing I think but this is where is gets difficult... he has an ex, the most recent one. I know her, we’ve met etc.

She has this hold over him, makes him feel sorry for her, says he’s wasted 3 years of her life because she wanted more children (she’s got one from previous relationship), she’s told him she’s ill but I haven’t heard anything come of it (found a lumb on her breast), he says she supported him when his mum passed but my argument is that anyone would have done and if not then that would have made her a complete soulless person, but again she uses is against him.

He’s recently moved House, muggins here was the only one who helped him move, but All Day he was receiving messages and calls from ex saying that he should be moving in with her and not away from her, he wouldn’t tell me the whole story as the messages were so long.

So, only a few weeks ago he tells me he has feelings for me, thinks I’m amazing but doesn’t want to let me down like how he feels he has with ex... I caught him looking at me the other day (sounds odd but you know what I mean) and he had a sort of soft expression, it was odd I made a joke out of it but it’s stayed with me.

We keep coming back to each other, we can sit for hours and chat rubbish or not say a word.

For me I think he’s always been the one and from how he is I think and hope that he feels the same but I’ve been in relationships he’s been doing whatever and the timing is just so off.

Now that he’s moved closer to me, I just know I’m going to struggle to stay away, I want to be with him all the time 🙄.

I knew this was going to happen and was in two minds whether to help him or not but at the end of the day we are friends and I do anything for my mates... him included.

I just think that he needs some time on his own, to work it out but I’m worried he’ll meet someone ... but if he wanted to be with me he would, I’ve got to remember that. Until he says different we will continue to be friends but it’s just so sodding hard!!!


So basically any experiences where you’ve been mates, it’s been difficult but you’ve worked it out and stayed friends or has is progressed?

[ShatnersWig]

Minimal, absolute minimal contact would be my advice. The more time you spend with him the worse it will get. If he meets someone else you're going to feel upset; if you start a relationship with him, well, your head is going to get messed up and it will probably all end messily because of whatever is going on with his ex. He may have feelings for you - or he may enjoy knowing that you do - but while the ex is still clearly around in some way, nothing can come of it.

Sorry, she's an ex. She shouldn't be sending all those messages and he should not be responding other than to tell her to leave him alone and block her. The fact that he hasn't says to me there's still something there for her or he enjoys having both you and her letting him know you like him.

I'd move on. If some time later you're both single, the ex is totally out of the picture, maybe it will happen and be healthy. At the moment, it would be a total mindfuck.

[Sillysausage12345]

Hi thank you for that, he has told the ex to leave him be, not told her where he’s moved to but she just seems to have to weird hold over him. I know how unhappy they both are, she says he makes her feel unwanted well my response to that is why the hell does she want to be with someone who makes her feel like that!!?

They went out a few weeks ago for a drink and because he didn’t try it on with her she kicked off, it ended in a huge fight, she took his car and called the police.

The whole situation is one I do not want to get into any more than I am already so for now I’m just have to sit back and see how it pans out.

[birdonawire1]

I can’t see the harm in saying to him you have feelings for him and you would like to see if a relationship will work, but only once he has sorted out his ex issue and of course, if he feels the same. Then step back and let him make any move forward. Just get on with your life in the meantime. It may work out, it may not but at least you will have it in the open and don’t have to invest much emotional effort while he is making his choices.

[MMmomDD]

OP - unless you are both very young (and even then - not really) - i’d say - life is too short for playing games.

He told you he has feelings. You do too. So - tell him and give it a go.
See what happens.

Whatever went on with his ex - it was specific to him and her.
You and him are a different people, with your own story.

Worst thing is to keep pining for each other and wonder.
At least is you try - you’ll know which way this leads for sure.

[heartshapedpositnotes]

What stood out to me is that he said he doesn't want to let you down like her, I.e. that he doesn't want children so the same issue may arise with you.

Do you want children in the future?

[ShatnersWig]

I say bollocks, OP. He told her to leave him alone, but meets up for a drink with her? Why hasn't he blocked her from his phone, then?

[Sillysausage12345]

I don’t want children right now, he’s 38 this year I’m not far behind...

Although he’s done some questionable things I believe he’s a good soul....

[Sillysausage12345]

He has blocked unblocked blocked unblocked etc etc I dunno he’s lost.

[Sillysausage12345]

I’m known him for too long, good and bad things and I’m still here... spent all day with him... due to go Ikea tomz.... I cant even touch him which is rediculious. Ffs.

[ShatnersWig]

No, he's not lost. He's a fuckwit. Move on, rapidly.

[MyOtherProfile]

What did you say when he told you he had feelings for you?

[ferando81]

He's getting his excuses in early "I don't want to let you down"Chances are when things get tough he will bail out and justify it by telling you that he warned you getting involved would be painful.
Don't minimise what he did in his youth ,your obviously in love with him and wearing rose-tinted glasses.

[neveradullmoment99]

Sounds like you will get hurt. You don't want to be his 'fuckbuddy' I would move on.

[summerinrome]

You are too old to play games.

Tell him you have feelings for him too, you can take it slowly, and see how it works out. It would be important for him to tell his ex he has moved on so she does not wreck your relationship.

He may be coming out with excuses to protect himself. So I wouldn't read too much into it..but I would be thinking longer term quietly. Are you sure about not having dc etc? You need to be sure that you are happy without them. These decisions may not feel important now, but they could be further down the line.

[Sillysausage12345]

Thanks guys, we had a chat last night about how I feel and he actually didn’t believe me... I’ve had a think about it and he’s just not in the right place at the moment to getting into anything.

I have to respect that vibe I get because if he wanted to he would, we will be mates no shadow of a doubt.

I said he still loves the ex a little but doesn’t want to be with her as it’s a toxic relationship so he needs to get her out his head to be able to move on.

He did ask why I didn’t tell him before, like years ago, but it wasn’t really ever an issue for me as we weren’t as close as we are now, plus he still had this gf.... so why would I?

Just got to see how it all pans out I guess. What will be will
Be. X

[MyOtherProfile]

I hope you don't get your heart broken here OP. He's clearly not that into you and just likes having you around as a friend but I'm not sure you can take that long term. If I was you I'd be distancing myself and keeping the friendship very casual.

[Sillysausage12345]

Hi thanks for the advice, i wish it was just as simple as he isn’t that into me however I disagree with that. There are lots of other factors that really are too much to go into now but at the end of the day I’m fine staying just mates. He’s not the only male on the planet so I certainly won’t be getting my heart broken by this one.