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Relationships

Crisis! Marriage breakdown at 18 weeks pregnant

70 replies

Decisions1 · 24/05/2018 00:26

Don't know where to start. Have been with my husband for 10 years, married for 3... we've had ups and downs in the past but nothing serious recently.
This pregnancy was planned. Both wanted the baby. I've suffered with terrible nausea and due to that haven't been my usual self. Over the past few weeks he has become distant. He said it was because I wouldn't let him do what he wanted with work... saying wanted a new job working away to earn more for our family.
Then a couple of days ago he said it is acrually our relationship and he's felt we don't have anything in common and says he's felt this for a few years. I couldn't believe it. I have said about counselling and he said he's already tried all he can...

I never wanted a baby on my own, but I guess who does. I'm petrified now of what to do. If I go through with this and our marriage falls apart I'll be bringing a child up alone. I've got friends and family but I just don't know if that's right.

I've considered a termination but the thought makes me so sick. I'm getting help re my choices and he's agreed to a counselling session but he says he doesn't think there is any hope for our relationship.
He doesn't think I should have the baby. But has said he will support me if I do.

Has anyone had any similar situations.
How the hell do you make the choice.

Please no anti termination comments. I fully understand that it's not a pleasant process.

OP posts:
villageshop · 24/05/2018 00:31

I'm so sorry, OP. What a terribly sad situation to suddenly find yourself in.

I don't know what to say really but I didn't want you to feel alone with this.

FermatsTheorem · 24/05/2018 00:34

Flowers

What an utterly crap situation.

You and you alone get to decide whether to continue the pregnancy - his views don't come into it. (And as for the horseshit about having known for ages - well why the fuck did he go ahead with TTC? Though sadly I suspect there is more likely to be some rewriting of history going on, for whatever self-justifying reason on the part of your not-so-DH).

FWIW (not trying to sway you one way or the other) I am a single parent. It's tough but doable and very rewarding.

Decisions1 · 24/05/2018 00:35

Thank you. It's completely heart breaking. I've never posted before. I thought maybe some impartial thoughts may help. Or is this a bad idea to let people give their thoughts ?Confused

OP posts:
LurpakIsTheOnlyButter · 24/05/2018 00:35

I had a baby on my own. She will be 8 this year. It was hard, honestly. But I think it would have been harder with a partner that wasn't committed. Now I am married and we have a lovely life with a blended family. It can be done.

But God, I struggled being pregnant and I also considered abortion and can totally relate as it is overwhelming.

Only you can decide what is right for you and your life/family.
Happy to chat if you want to pm

Getmeamagiclamp · 24/05/2018 00:37

What an awfully stressful situation for you. I’m sorry I don’t have any advise but I didn’t want to read and run. I really hope the counselling works to shed some light on what’s going on. Could this be a very major freak out at impending parenthood?

villageshop · 24/05/2018 00:40

Just reading through your post to sift out the main points. I don't mean to sound harsh with the questions, just trying to hone in on your feelings about these awfully difficult decisions. It's good you are getting some help and advice re the choices you have ahead of you.

  1. How much do you want the baby in these altered circumstances?
  2. How do you feel knowing he might not be a supportive father?
  3. Will your family support you in your choice?


If you can find a way to get in touch with your own deepest feelings about what will be best for you, that will help you find clarity and a way forward that feels right.

Good luck, petal. So sorry you have to deal with this.
Decisions1 · 24/05/2018 00:40

Thanks all for your help. I was sceptical about posting but so far it's good to hear peoples experiences.
Lurpakistheonlybutter- I may take you up on that. (And yes it's the only butter Smile)

I've been concerned In the past with his mental health and he threatened suicide a few days ago. But he won't speak to a Dr.

Something in me says it's not our marriage but then I could just be blinded by love...

OP posts:
Chocness · 24/05/2018 00:41

How bloody awful for you. As previous poster has said, you and you alone should make the decision on this one. There are plenty of single mums out there doing a fantastic job of raising their children, many doing a much better job than those in a marriage/partnership so don't let that sway you. At least he has shown his true colours now whilst you have time to get support and plans in place rather than lulling you into a false sense of security. You can do this if you want to. I suspect he will live to regret his comments but be done with them and choose what you think
Is right for you at this stage in your life. All the best Flowers

Decisions1 · 24/05/2018 00:45

Villageshop
1- I can't answer, that's why I'm getting help. Honestly as hard as I think I don't know the answer. I don't have any children this will be our first.
2- I feel he may not support me and that hurts. But I feel like he would want to support our child, he'd be a great dad.
3- my family and friends will support me yes 100%

OP posts:
villageshop · 24/05/2018 00:55

You must still be in shock, how can you decide when you are reeling from it all.

However, it sounds as though your H has some serious MH problems which must be affecting his thought processes and behaviour.

As he's been threatening suicide he needs to see his GP urgently. It is really not fair on you to have to make such a serious decision the need for which has only come about because of the (possibly temporary) mental illness of your H.

It's great you have good family and friends support, that will make all the difference, now and in the long term.

AcrossthePond55 · 24/05/2018 02:11

I think the thing to think hard about is how you would feel/cope if he simply decides to walk away. If he prefers you not have the child and you decide to keep it, it's not unlikely that he'll decide he has no responsibility since the decision was 'taken out of his hands'. Are you prepared to raise this child completely on your own (with family support if available)? And conversely, are you prepared for him to be a part of your life for the rest of your life? A child together is a lifelong situation.

Trying to look on a bit brighter side, could he simply be overwhelmed or frightened at the massive change a child brings? Do you think it might benefit him (and you) if you suggested a trial separation, where both of you can be away from each other to think things through?

hodgeheg92 · 24/05/2018 02:20

I think you should also consider your age OP - if you ended this pregnancy, would you potentially have time to meet someone else and fall pregnant again? As hard as it is, I wouldn't want to have missed out on having children.

I'm really sorry for your situation, what a completely selfish thing for your husband to do.

CluelessMummy · 24/05/2018 02:39

OP that sounds so hard. I think you're going to need to find your anger a bit here though - the way I read it was that this is a man who buries his head in the sand about his problems, ie

  1. You've suggested counselling but he says he's "already done everything" he can (but won't go to counselling).
  2. He's suicidal but won't see his GP.
  3. His solution to his feelings is to "work away" from you and the baby, thus avoiding you entirely, or even more drastically, you having a termination.


Meanwhile you are 4-5 months pregnant, facing a sudden future as a lone parent and having to comfort and carry him too.

I think you need to lay out your feelings on the table with him: If he refuses to do X, Y or Z, then he needs to go - and ASAP. He cannot keep dragging you through this.

As for your own feelings about termination, that's something only you can decide on. I don't think anyone would judge you for any decision you make at this point, but if your sole reason for termination is that you don't think you could cope alone - honestly your strength so far is enough to prove you could.
Decisions1 · 24/05/2018 07:42

I'm in my late 20s so age isn't an issue. I have however had a tough pregnancy and don't know if I could go through all this again.
The prospect of a termination petrifies me. Not only the procedure, it's pretty horrific this far gone. But I feel if I did chose to end the pregnancy I would be terribly depressed. I don't know if I could recover from this. I've seen the baby, heard it's heartbeat and felt it move. All those things make this so much harder.
I feel stupid for allowing us to get pregnant.
I'm pretty sure if I didn't go through with this I'd have to move away. I don't think I could continue working where I do or even living in this town. It would all remind me of the terrible thing I've done.

On the flip side I'd struggle to be a single parent mentally. Especially to begin with. It's stupid really something in me says it would be easier if he left when the baby was born. At least then I wouldn't have such a horrific decision and I'd just have to be strong for our child.

I'm at rock bottom 💔

OP posts:
Toofle · 24/05/2018 08:12

You do not sound like someone who wants or can cope with a termination. As a doctor once said to me when I went for advice.

pinkandstripey · 24/05/2018 08:13

And this has come on suddenly? Is he secretive with his phone? Working late? New woman joined the company on last 6 months? MH breakdown very unlikely - sounds like the script to me...

Decisions1 · 24/05/2018 08:24

I'm sure there is no one else. If there was he'd tell me because then I'd be the one to tell him to leave.
He's told me I can keep our house and he doesn't want it.

If there wasn't a baby I'd be able to give him space. I'd also be able to show I'm not weak and I'd go and do all the things I've dreamed of. I'd take a break from work and travel again.
But there is a baby and it's killing me. I can't sleep. I wake up with terrors.
Then when I do get up I'm just back in this nightmare. I don't want to wake up anymore.

OP posts:
Bananacabana · 24/05/2018 08:52

Hi Decisions,

I'm so sorry to hear about this terrible predicament your DH has put you in. As others have said it is purely your decision about a termination but I can speak from experience that being a lone parent is doable and satisfying.

I was a lone parent for many years with DS1 and managed fine, then I met my current DP and we planned to have DS2 together. However, three days after DS2 was born my DP stopped participating or helping. I feel like a single parent now with three children. I felt disappointment and betrayal when my DP stopped participating because we'd decided to have a child together as he didn't fulfil his role but there isn't a day goes by that I wouldn't be without my boys. I don't know if this helps but I do understand how it feels to plan it and then that person not stepping up.

If I could give any advice it would be to try and concentrate on you first and foremost to help make important decision. Spend time with family if you can, be around people you feel safe with and of course MN. As for your DP, does he have any family or friends you can pass some of the responsibility of him threatening suicide? It's not fair him attempting to burden you with that?

Hope you're okay Thanks

hodgeheg92 · 24/05/2018 09:09

I think that this sentence "it would be easier if he left when the baby was born" suggests that you don't really want a termination.

You say that your friends and family would support you in your choice, would they support you when the baby was born? Those first few weeks are incredibly tough mentally and physically. My mother came to stay with me but if I was on my own I would have gone to stay at her house I think. You need someone to look after you so you can look after baby.

If you decide to go ahead with the pregnancy, I recommend joining the mums net pregnancy thread for your due date and then the Facebook group that results from that thread - sounds a bit odd but the women from mine are incredibly supportive (we've met in real life a few times too)

X x

Dancingtothemusicoftime · 24/05/2018 09:12

Dear OP, I know it's not a fashionable thing to say, but you could always consider adoption if you really feel you can't cope as a single mum but don't want to terminate your pregnancyThanks

hellsbellsmelons · 24/05/2018 09:24

MH breakdown very unlikely - sounds like the script to me...
Sorry but I agree with this.
It's like reading the cheaters script.
But that's by the by.
You need to make a decision regarding your pregnancy.
It sounds like you wouldn't cope at all well if you have a termination.
So..... that means having the baby.
Have you really looked into being a single parent?
You have family and friends who can help and support you.
It's tough - no denying it - but hundreds and thousands of women do it every day and cope just fine.

It's a lot to take on board all at once.
Please get him to leave so you can have some space alone without him in your headspace.

You also sound very very low.
Please see your GP - you could have pre-natal depression (antepartum depressions) or talk to your health visitor about all of this.

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

But something that is so so true:-
You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have

FermatsTheorem · 24/05/2018 09:34

I agree with most of your post hells (I too thought of the script; though equally it could just be a selfish man who's realised too late that he doesn't want to put up with not coming first in his wife's life, as will inevitably be the case once a baby's on the scene). But don't rush to diagnose antepartum depression - anyone would be depressed if their partner shafted them like this guy has done to OP. Feeling really down and messed up is a perfectly normal and natural human reaction to being shat on from a great height, not something that needs to be pathologised.

But I do agree that many women - myself included - have full and fulfilled and enjoyable lives as single parents.

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Thebluedog · 24/05/2018 09:42

So sorry for you op, what a horrid situation Flowers

A couple of points:

Being a single parent is hard (sorry), but it’s far FAR easuer than being a parent in a relationship that doesn’t work

You and you alone can make the decision to terminate or not. But, make it on the basis you’ll be a single parent with no assistance from him.

You are always stronger than you think you will be

If he’s backing out and being unsupportive now with your pregnancy, he’ll be utterly useless when the baby arrives

Tell him to leave now! If he’s still living with you, you’ll be constantly thinking ‘what if’. He need to make a decision and stick to it.

Goldmonday · 24/05/2018 09:56

Op I'm so so sorry about the shit situation he has landed you in.

Him threatening suicide is bloody ridiculous given that it's you who's having your life turned upside down. If he really has felt like this for years then why on earth did he a. Stay and b. TTC, selfish prick.

Do you have any family that you could stay with for a few days? Just to give yourself a break you sound like you really need it.

Regarding the pregnancy you really need to just trust your instincts, it is not his decision it's yours. He's the asshole thats walking out on his pregnant wife after apparently being unhappy for years and doing nothing about it so he really gets no say.

Pompom42 · 24/05/2018 10:04

Ive been in this position and my partner left when I was 30 weeks pregnant so I was more further along than you. You must still be in shock I know I was and the day he left I never saw him again so the support wasn't there.
I cried almost everyday for 6 weeks until I was 36 weeks gone then I knew I needed to get on with it. I didn't even buy the pram until this point. I ended up having the baby and had a friend as birthing partner and although it's up there as one of the most stressful times of my life I'm so glad I did it and got through it. My DC is so wonderful and wouldn't have it any other way.
DC doesn't see the father but in some ways I think it's better as I found out some things after that means he isn't father material anyway.
Good luck op you're bound to be emotional as it's your hormones and you will have up and down days.

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