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Does anyone have experience of a family member with boderline personality disorder?

(101 Posts)
SMJYellow Wed 23-May-18 15:46:16

My sister is unbelievably troubled. She's not living at home. She is in a different county. The family are tormented from her.

Her anger is as fresh today as it was three/four years ago.

She takes offence easily at situations where no offence or harm was meant. I could spend all day writing here about her and what she has done to not only me but also the family. She wants nothing to do with the family but she won't let us go. I received the majority of the abuse and harassment from her into my old phone. My mother and one /two of three brothers received less.

In recent times she went down the road of contacting my boyfriend and also my employer. My younger brother was called something unbelievably horrific which was all lies and just pure trouble making from her.

She is using message apps to abuse us now. Like, some of the messages she has sent to my brother made it look like there was a mob of people out to get him. She has sent family messages making it appearing as if it came from my old phone number. The other night my mother got 'I love cock' into her phone and looked as if it came from my old number.

This week gone by, she has started contacting my boyfriends family to warn them about how nasty I am.

I'm doing everything I'm supposed to do. Ignoring her, changed my number.

The police were no good. I'm at breaking point now. There is so much other stress in my life aside from her and I'm beginning to crack.

A friend of mine who works in the health care, asked me about the family and the sister. I said something which alarmed her. Some weeks ago, a situation arose where the family had to make contact with her to notify her of something very serious. My sister managed to turn things right around onto herself. My friend said to look up group but personality disorders and I did. Boderline personality disorder fits her to a T.

Is there any way of putting an end to this? Does their back lash and poison ever end?

SMJYellow Wed 23-May-18 16:20:45

Something else I would like to add.

My sister has been been officially diagnosed with any mental health condition. Not that I'm aware of anyways unless If it happened in times gone by since she cut herself off from the family and she didn't tell anyone.

Also it's one of my pet hates are casual diagnosises based on an Internet search. I'm not qualified to diagnosis my sister. A friend working in the health service did recommend reading up on group B personality disorders and it looks to me boderline personality disorder fits my sister.

LeChatDeNuit Wed 23-May-18 17:51:58

In what way does giving her behaviour an armchair diagnosis help?

SMJYellow Wed 23-May-18 18:41:07

You're right. I absolutely despise armchair diagnosis.

However, there's something in it here. The fact a health professional in a private capacity mentioned group b disorders and just to read up for my own benefit and that of the family.

The police were useless. They were no good and the officer I dealt with completely failed me. He said the matter of all this isn't criminal but civil. I felt that he believed this was some sort of a silly tit for tat.
My solicitor said its most definitely criminal due to the level and volume of messages and harassment and content too.

I was hoping maybe someone else might have been in a similar situation and if so did the abuse ever stop? What did it take for it to stop?

sleep5 Wed 23-May-18 18:45:56

Are you not able to completely break contact with her? New job and so on? What do your family think of what she's doing?

LEMtheoriginal Wed 23-May-18 18:47:48

I have suspected BPD and believe me I am NOTHING like how you describe your sister. She does sound extremely troubled however.

Unless your friend is a qualified psychiatrist then how on earth can she even begin to make an assessment based on what you have said about her? If she had any idea at all she would know it is extremely difficult to diagnose and yakes a n in depth assessment - Very unprofessional of your friend and i suspect she knows very little of what she speaks

Lovemusic33 Wed 23-May-18 18:54:18

I have a relative with suspected personality disorder, he tells lies and stories about everyone and has caused a lot of upset, a few months ago he decided to remove us from his life (blocked us all on his phone and Fb), although some family members are upset I think it’s probably for the best as he may actually seek help.

I would break contact with her if it’s causing upset, block her and don’t answer the phone to her.

LeChatDeNuit Wed 23-May-18 19:08:46

Some people are just unpleasant. They don’t have to have a personality disorder. I agree with pp that your friend has been massively unprofessional. Only a psychiatrist can diagnose a mental disorder, not just any old ‘health professional’, whatever that means.

If she is causing you so much upset just cut her out of your life. If she wants to seek help for her behaviour and find its underlying cause, that’s up to her.

KirstenRaymonde Wed 23-May-18 19:12:13

I have BPD - I adore my friends and family and tell them all the time, I’ve never been deliberately nasty to anyone, I don’t lie or try to manipulate people. Not all people with BPD fit into this box people have in their mind for us. Some people are just arseholes, not BPD. Not all people with BPD are mean and nasty.

Thatsnotmypresident Wed 23-May-18 19:13:30

My mother is diagnosed with BPD and behaves like this. I suffered years of her bile directed at me and have had to go NC. I understand that she's ill but she doesn't manage it and my early life was hell because of it so I'm not able to summon any sympathy for her.

AndNoneForGretchenWieners Wed 23-May-18 19:14:25

My sister has BPD. She is the loveliest most generous person but she can turn on a word into a jealous, needy, insecure and anxious wreck who drives people away with her behaviour. She has been violent, but most of her rage is turned in on herself and she self harms regularly. She is desperately unhappy when she is in the midst of an episode, which can last anything from a couple of days to months. The support is not there for her from the NHS and it is heartbreaking to see my clever, funny and brilliant sister as a shell.

UnbornMortificado Wed 23-May-18 19:18:37

I have diagnosed BPD it doesn't give me a free pass to be an arsehole. I'm very close to my parents and siblings I've been mentally very ill but the only person I've tried to hurt is myself.

I've been hospitalised in the past so have a few friends and husband with different MH disorders pleased to say none sound like you sister.

I'm sorry it sounds incredibly tough for your family thanks

LadyDeadpool Wed 23-May-18 19:21:05

BPD is extremely complicated to diagnose and is usually given as a diagnosis when all other avenues are exhausted. I have BPD and nothing brings my mood down harder than seeing anyone who is slightly unpleasant being armchair diagnosed with the disorder. It's a really awful thing to see constantly, knowing this is what people think you're like because they have no idea what it's truly like to suffer they just presume.

dirtybadger Wed 23-May-18 19:21:15

One of my friends has BPD. But she doesnt sound anything like your sister, so Im afraid thats not much help sad

Have you made HR aware at work? Do you know who is giving your details to her?

SMJYellow Wed 23-May-18 19:23:46

I don't want to state here what my friend does but in her line of work she does meet a lot op people as not only patients but other healthcare professionals.

My friend and I chatted in a social setting. It was a social visit and chat and as part of that she asked about my sister because she knows there is trouble in the family from her. Based on what has gone on and the harassment that she knows about, she recommended for me to read up on group b personality disorders.

SMJYellow Wed 23-May-18 19:37:45

Thankfully my sister doesn't live at home.

I and all but one in the family have gone no contact. It wasn't a light decision but we had to do it. According to my sister we are all dead to her but she won't leave us alone.

In my case, I changed my phone number multiple times. Changed my email address. Deleted my Facebook. No other traces of me online. So I've taken the necessary steps. However my sister has a never ending need for revenge and punishment and she has proven if she can't get to me directly, she will go other routes - my employer got a house from her and my boyfriend too. Thankfully there was something in the back of my mind that she may do something like that and I had them warned and they never responded. My sister is now starting on my boyfriends family.
My boyfriend is from the same town that we all grew up in so my sister would know him from before.

The rest of my family has taken steps too but it's just not working and she is persisting.

TrippingTheVelvet Wed 23-May-18 19:39:44

My mum has histrionic personality disorder. She's similar to how you describe above. She once told people I stabbed her. Turned out she meant I 'stabbed her feelings'. A million other similar things like that too. Don't think she self harmed but was extremely physically and emotionally abusive to me for years until I put her at arms length. I went full no contact when she rang me and called me a bitch for asking her to stop calling my dear dad a cunt within a few hours of him dying. She text within a couple of hours after it saying she cooked me chicken goujons. Was most offended that I was too busy sorting out his funeral to come. Thanks OP- that was actually cathartic! Never really get to vent about it as it's so mad, people think I'm exaggerating or else making it up grin

Pirandello24 Wed 23-May-18 19:45:16

If she was diagnosed with bpd, what difference would that make to you and your relationship with her?

SMJYellow Wed 23-May-18 19:52:17

How did your mother react to you going no contact with her? Has she behaved in a similar manner to what I described above?

Something you wrote in your post about you being busy organising your father's funeral and your mother took offence.

There were a few instances here within the family where many of us were busy doing our own things, life taking over, work and jobs, etc and at the time my sister took offence to them. No harm or insult was meant by being busy but she got up on her high horse and didn't want to understand.

SMJYellow Wed 23-May-18 19:53:30

Last message there was in response to trippingthevelvet.

museumum Wed 23-May-18 20:06:12

My best friend has bpd (maybe, one psyc said so others don’t know what she has). She’s not horrible to anyone except herself. She is very very negative about herself and has violent self hatred at times. But I’d always lovely to others. Not sure your sisters triubles can be entirely attributed to bpd even if she does Have it sad

SMJYellow Wed 23-May-18 20:06:15


A few months ago, the family at home chatted and we were all in agreement together that we hated what was happening and going on. We hated what kinda looks like the lot of us ganging up on her and shutting her out from the family. We hate that we have to do this. We said, the door will be open for her in the future to come back if she wishes but she needs to sort herself out.

Too much and too much poison has happened now since March. Things were bad before that but she's getting worse in her ways. She's done some despicable things and I'm afraid, there's no going back from any of this now.

In recent weeks, she has claimed our younger brother is a paedophile. He's not a paedophile. He is the youngest in the family and me and my sister were 8 and half years old when he was born. When was he supposed to have groomed her as a child? He wouldnt have had the capacity to do such a thing. There's been no other children born into the family for my brother to be like that. If it's in any ways remotely true, why didn't she go to the revelant authorities to report him instead of harassing the family? All she wanted to do was put fear and terror in him.
Too much has gone on for any going back.

SMJYellow Wed 23-May-18 20:10:41

I do know, from what my sister has done and all that she has sent to not only me but the family, she must be deeply, deeply, deeply unhappy.

TrippingTheVelvet Wed 23-May-18 20:13:55

I blocked her phone number and on social media etc. so I haven't had any direct contact with her for 6 months. She doesn't know where my actual house is or my employer because she's so self involved. Half of my extended family don't talk to me because of some of the outrageous lies she has told about me (I beat her, stole from her etc) and the other ones stay well out of it because they know she is not one to get on the wrong side of. So no flying monkeys arrived to guilt trip me.

She really is super manipulate- she's a sweet, little middle aged lady to most but if she doesn't like you or knows you see through her, she is awful. I once watched her boil the kettle and hide behind a wall waiting on someone she didn't like. Cutting contact was the best thing I ever did. I never realised how much on edge I always was before that she might do something on me and I wouldn't be believed. I would never admit it out loud, but in all honesty, I am terrified of her- mainly because she does hide it so well from others.

SMJYellow Thu 24-May-18 13:31:57


You are somewhat lucky in that she's not causing you trouble, right now and not anything you are aware of. You mentioned half of the extended family don't speak to you and the other ones stay out from this. Please don't be worried. They will come around eventually and see her for what she is. It may not be in the immediate future but it will happen. Give it time.

Woke up to some more rubbish from my sister this morning and honestly I'm sick of things. She has an absolute hunger for revenge or dishing out hurt over whatever she is feeling and its completely disappropriate to what has really gone on.

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