Is my partner obsessed with my ex?

[Instafantastix]

Been with my partner 8 months and its been great. Both very much in love and now living together. We made promises we wouldn't move in unless we were 100% committed with no hangovers.

It may not seem nothing, and hear me out, we were sitting beside each other in the week, and my partner shows me someone on their Instagram, we were searching various people, I noticed their ex was in their suggested people (the one you see when you go into the search tab).

Initially I thought nothing, then I was told this only appears when you search for the same profile on various occasions. It wasn’t there the week before (I am beady eyed). I was so upset that night, not because their ex was searched (we all do it), but since the ex’s account is locked it appeared a bit obsessive (what exactly are you looking at).

It affected me quite a bit that night and I couldn’t sleep trying to rationalise why in our loving relationship you would be so curious to check a “private” profile a number of times over a shirt period. It only leads me to believe they have been searching via Facebook and other platforms. Again this can all be explained and rationalised and believe me I tried to shrug it off.

I plucked u the courage to discuss this with my partner (I felt I was being unreasonable but couldn’t shake how I was feeling). I literally said I was upset and need to understand this behaviour, that I understand the odd peep but numerious times in the last week (possibly this has been going on longer who knows). I just wanted my partner to explain if it was just curiosity or otherwise. You have to understand i was upset with the nature of the viewing not that the profile was viewed, it seemed obsessive.

My partners reaction was a bit defensive and they volunteered to say they haven’t searched for said ex in a YEAR! I’m a bit tec savvy and know this is impossible based on the IG algorithm, so I know its a lie. I wasn’t confrontational and pleaded for truth, even if they said they still had feelings we could work through it and understand. So i guess its what I feel is the lying that hurts.

i feel devastated but assured my partner this is forgotten about. I have even pleaded with myself to let this go, that they were obviously embarrassed with this and they wont do anything which could upset me. I had asked them how they would feel in my position and they said they would equally be upset so i am not wanted to be treated different.
What i have decided to do is let it slip. but if i notice this behaviour again its out no questions asked. i will give them the benefit of the doubt. Am i being harsh?

[pudding21]

People come up in my suggestions who are friends of friends, links with other social media or totally random. I really don't think you can read too much into it.

Any other reason not to trust him?

[Sweatymoose]

You're tech savvy but you didn't know that 'searched' accounts come up in the suggestions?

He didn't need to be constantly searching her, sometimes the account jumps the list if it's just a recent search

[Instafantastix]

And this is what I told myself. But to appear in this particular field you would have to search for them and view their profile in a short space of time.

Admittedly after this I was extremely paranoid and hate myself for doing so but noticed all their history both in browsers, phone and Facebook were erased. It could be nothing but it’s all rasing flags.

[gamerchick]

It's really annoying when people post as neutral genders.

Anyway you can't stop someone's nosiness. That's what social media is for. We all do it.

[justpoppngby]

You might be wrong.
My husbands first wife came up in my suggestions, I have never searched her ever, we do have some friends & relatives in common though.
You seem to be over reacting somewhat, based on this only.

[biffyboom]

I have an ig account, and have never searched for anybody. In fact I didn't want anyone I knew on it (using it to follow beauty brands and interests only), it isn't linked to my facebook, or on the same email address, but shows suggestions of people I know. And frustratingly, I must come up on friends suggestions as many have followed me.

[Instafantastix]

Hi all. No this is suggested on the search bar. It’s just above ‘recent’. As explained the odd nose is fine. This appears more than that and the possible lie is the bigger issue.

What does gender have to do with it I want a unbiased opinion.

[biffyboom]

Ah search bar sorry. Yeah then definitely had to be physically typed in.
The overreaction and defensiveness is probably embarrassment and guilt at you noticing.

[Pandora79]

I see what you mean. However there are accounts on mine that I have searched for in a while. Because i dont search for many people on instagram.

The fact that he (might) has searches for her recently doesnt mean he is obsessed. Also the lie, maybe because he was embarassed or you would be annoyed if you found out he searched her.

I really think you are making too big of a deal of this.

Oh, and I guesses at genders just for the ease of writing my post.

[RavenLG]

I've just looked on my IG and there are loads of people on there I've NEVER searched in IG. In fact, under each suggesting is a reason for the suggestion.

1st person - Friend on Facebook (girl from school I've not even thought about in years)
2nd person - Followed by xxfriend.
3rd - Friend on Facebook
4th - In your contacts
5th - New to Instagram - no idea who this even is. On closer inspection turned out to be a joint instagram of someone I went to uni with (who I don't even follow on her personal instagram) and her partner, all about 'our first home journey' cringyness.

Could it just be she's in his suggestions for a multitude of reasons IG seem to suggest you would know someone? My linkedin suggested an ex to me and I don't have him in contacts, not in same industry, no connections similar... sometimes it just happens.

[gamerchick]

What does gender have to do with it I want a unbiased opinion

You're not going to get one because a person's brain fills in the blanks and replies accordingly.

When you lift the crust, obsessing over who your other half is searching for you find a very slippy deep rabbit hole that nobody wants to go down. Where will it end?

[twistedpink]

My ex comes up on my instagram suggested friends and I've never searched him. So do a load of other people who I have never heard of and never searched......

[GreenFingersWouldBeHandy]

How long have you been living together if you've only been together 8 months? How long ago did he split with ex and who finished it?

[twistedpink]

Ah yeah if it's in the search bar then they would have typed it in. However I've typed in my boyfriend just once and he's remained on there for ages, depends how often they search things I guess

[Instafantastix]

Thanks guys and I’ve tried not to obsess, and like I said I’m confident it would only show in that section if repeatedly searched for. I guess I could easily handle the truth and I accept the embarrassment factor. However I have decided if I come across any obsessive behaviour over this particular ex (over and above what’s considered normal) I will be ending this relationship without question.

[pudding21]

Even if he has searched for her I still wouldn't rwad anything into it if that's the only doubt you have.

[LeChatDeNuit]

I have IG and I understand what you mean. I don’t necessarily think this means they’re obsessed with their ex. Do they follow them and have access to their photos? I wouldn’t end an otherwise good relationship over it. There’d have to be something more concrete to suggest they were still holding a torch.

[mindutopia]

I search for exes quite often, sometimes several times in a month. It really is purely down to boredom and nosiness. I’ve been with my husband for 10 years and have no interest whatsoever in any of those douchebags. But I’m genuinely entertained to see what they’re up to and it doesn’t mean I’m ‘obsessed’ and my husband definitely wouldn’t be freaked out by it (we went to one of my exes weddings!) and he definitely wouldn’t leave me. If your relationship is secure, there’s really no reason to get rattled about some snooping around on social media.

[robotcartrainhat]

I find it more worrying that he didnt confide in you why he was doing it rather than him actually doing it.

I search for one of my exes quite a lot..... theres a huge backstory over that though and it has nothing to do with me not being happy with my husband etc
My husband has never specifically seen that I search for him.. but if he did he would immediately know why as I have discussed everything that happened with him in detail... so hed know my motivation without having to ask about it


Id expect my partner to be close enough to me to confide in me about behaviour like that and i would be very worried if they didnt or tried to lie about it.

[ALittleBitConfused1]

Your post is quite dramatic, the use of language is quite extreme. If you approached him in this way im not suprised your dp freaked and denied. I probably would too if someone reacted so strongly to me doing something quite normal.
It doesnt sound like he is obsessed about his ex. It does sound like you are though. When you say beady eyed and you noticed do you actually mean you have invaded your partners privacy and checked their other sm platforms for any historical searches? And how do you know the exs profile is private have you looked at it too?
I cant believe you are reacting this way and demanding your dp 'explains their behaviour' for searching an ex on ig, most people i know do this, out curiosity not obsession.
It sounds to me like you have some insecurities that you need to work on, its not fair to make your dp pay for how you feel. From what you have said i cant see they have done anything wrong, i have exs as friends on sm. My last partner did too and so do most people i know.

[DelphiniumBlue]

Him deleting history suggests he had something to hide.
You've only been with him 8 months but you are now living together. That's quite quick, how well can you know him?
Don't pretend you are ok with all this if you are not.

[CantStandMeow]

The fact you're so interested in her searches/suggested friends that your 'keen eyes' spot minor changes on her social media is concerning.

I think her behaviour is defensive in your eyes only, I would suggest you didn't react as cooly as you say.

[MsGameandWatching]

I think you're being ridiculous actually.

[Mouseville65]

I use IG everyday for personal and for business and you are wrong about the suggested contacts. You've convinced yourself but you are wrong. If you carry on like this you will lose your partner anyway.

[Pandora79]

Initially I thought nothing, then I was told this only appears when you search for the same profile on various occasions. It wasn’t there the week before (I am beady eyed). I was so upset that night, not because their ex was searched (we all do it), but since the ex’s account is locked it appeared a bit obsessive (what exactly are you looking at).

I dont believe you thought nothing of it. I dont believe saw this, its didnt bother you and then out of the blue someone happened to tell you that only people you have recently searched came up in that list. Why would that just come in conversation. Its more likely you were discussing it with someone or googling it. Which means you did think something of it.

The fact that you arent being honest, notice small changes in their account, then get so upset that you dont sleep, suggests that you were far more aggitated by this.

I am starting to think that you perhaps act like this alot. And its you with the issue.