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When will he propose?

(189 Posts)
Frenchintheuk Wed 23-May-18 11:32:50

Hi everyone!

I am French, I live in the uk for a few years and am in a relationship with my partner for 4 years now. We have a beautiful baby girl since last summer.

I never really thought about getting married by the past but everything changed when I had my daughter, I started to feel the urge to do things properly.

My boyfriend has been married before, quoting his words, his ex was “crazy and controlling”, he decided to leave her, went back to his parents and they stayed separated for 2 years before getting a divorce.
Long before we had our child he asked me what were my thoughts about marriage and I told him it wasn’t necessary for me, he simply said ok and we never talked about it again. Everything was fine until I gave birth to our daughter and realised I actually wanted to get married. I naively started to talk about friends getting married, posted wedding stuff on my Pinterest, etc. thinking he would notice it... So when my birthday arrived in September I thought he would propose (also, we were going to his friends’ wedding that day!) but he didn’t and instead he asked me if I wanted a printer for my birthday?!!! (to help with my work) Imagine my face... He noticed something was wrong but I wasn’t ready to talk about it and kept a fake smile on my face all day long at his friends’ wedding and the next few days, looking happy and excited with my new printer.

A few weeks later during an argument he told me he suspected I resented him, I exploded and yelled “I wanted you to propose and you offered me a printer!” he answered absolutely nothing, he looked confused but said no word and we didn’t talk after that. Days, weeks, months passed, February arrived and I thought that it could happened for Valentine’s Day. We left the baby at my parents and went out for a couple of drinks and a nice dinner together, it was romantic but again, nothing happened. After dinner and another drink he said “let’s go home”, I was disappointed but showed nothing. A few days later he noticed I was quite depressed and we talked about it, I told him that he never said anything when I talked about getting married and I felt like he didn’t care about my feelings, he answered that he wanted it, that it was the right thing to do, that he actually thought about doing it for Valentine’s Day but it was tense between us so he didn’t (he also used the same excuse for not doing it at my birthday as I was dealing with postpartum hormones withdrawal and was “too emotional” to quote him). Whatever. I felt like he was searching for excuses, always putting me responsible, not very fair. I told him it was hard for me as I was waiting since last September and he understood.

A few weeks later, our anniversary (4 years together) was approaching I joked saying that it could be a fantastic occasion if IT could happen, wink wink! He smiled and I thought OMG it’s going to happen! It’s sure, it’s the perfect occasion and he knows I’m waiting for soooo long he cannot not do it!!!! Guess what... Two days before our anniversary I innocently asked where we wanted to go for dinner that day and he looked confused, asking “What’s on Thursday? Oh yeah, our anniversary... Well, I don’t know, do you have an idea?” I thought he was joking but no! He actually forgot and planned absolutely nothing... I started to cry and asked him “You’re not planning anything, are you?” He got angry and told me I was putting pressure on him and that yes it won’t be happening that day... I felt humiliated, I exploded asking him “Why? What game are you playing? You knew I was expecting it! Why?” He said he doesn’t have the time to plan it, that it takes time and voilà, just deal with it...

I was shocked, I felt like a piece of sh*t, stuck with a man who doesn’t care at all about what I want, about what I feel and dare use the lack of time excuse while he’s seating playing on his phone, reading and watching football with his pal as soon as he has a bit of free time. I felt completely down and alone. I told him I didn’t want it anymore, I wanted him to want it, to want me as his wife, to be excited about it, to be impatient to make it happen and instead I was with someone finding excuses and dragging his feet to do it. Later he came to talk to me, saying he understood, saying he was sorry to disappoint me and that he messed up, “I’ll make it up to you, I promise” I asked him “When? In one year? Six months?” he smirked and said “Not 6 months” and left me like that. It was last March.

Since then we went on holiday in Croatia and again I thought that maybeeee... But no. I kept my feelings inside to not put any pressure or nag him. I am very busy with our baby and don’t have much time for myself, I really suffer about it but do my best to keep a happy face and do everything in the house and for them.

I see him weeks after weeks spending his weekends in his books, on his phone or seeing his friend and I can’t help to think that he’s not planning anything. I don’t see him going out in his own in town (to jewellery shops for example) or planning a date night together by asking his parents to look after the baby so unless he’s very good at hiding, nothing will happen soon.

My only theory is that he waits for a specific date, our daughter first birthday in July or my birthday in September, which would ruin his “it won’t take 6 months” promise. It’s starting to turn me off.

Should I still expect something?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy Wed 23-May-18 11:38:54

Wow. I think you need to calm down and stop focusing on this so much. You sound obsessed!

You told him when you first got together that marriage wasn't important to you. How was he supposed to guess that you would change your mind?

Does he even want to get married?

Your post is all very much about you, you you and you sound like quite hard work, to be honest. No wonder he's feeling the pressure! I think you need to be quite careful that he doesn't end up resenting you.

Focus your energy on your baby girl. Sorry if this is not what you want to hear.

flamingofridays Wed 23-May-18 11:41:35

he isn't going to propose.

I have one of these. All maybe's and in <insert random time period here>, or soon, or 'when im ready'

nearly 6 years in here and nothing, honestly I have stopped caring now because as much as I would like to be married im not going to force him and I've just lost interest now anyway. I couldn't be arsed to plan a wedding with someone who wasn't interested.

if you want to marry him, sit him down, have a conversation and say look I don't want a proposal I want to have a conversation, agree to get married and set a date.

you don't need him to ask you.

if he wont agree you've got your answer - oh and saying "no I want to propose" is still your answer - he doesn't, its just delay tactics.

would you stay together if he wouldn't marry you?

whatifwhatifhwhatif Wed 23-May-18 11:45:25

So much going on here.

I'm sorry but it doesn't sound to me like he wants to get married very much. If he did, he would have proposed already. It doesn't take much planning, buying a ring.

My ex did this - he knew I wanted to get married and if I ever brought it up he would say things like "oh, remember that holiday we were on, that night we went to such and such restaurant? I was going to ask you then...but you were being a bit of a bitch / we had argued that evening <insert excuse here> so I decided not to" or "one day I will ask"

Sounds to me like he is trying to put the blame on you for him not proposing? And getting angry with you isn't a great sign.

In the same token, and I say this as kindly as possible, you do sound a bit childish in the way you are dealing with it and speaking to him. And without knowing the backstory or any other details, from your post I do wonder if you SHOULD marry this man. It doesn't sound like you are very happy together? What is your relationship like on a day to day basis?

BumbleNova Wed 23-May-18 11:46:54

Gosh I completely disagree with the above poster. You have made your expectations clear and I would be feeling the same way. He is leaving you dangling with vague promises which is very hurtful.

Have you considered what you would do if he doesn't propose? I mean this kindly, I don't think he is actually planning to. So many excuses and I think you know that which is why you are do upset.

Ooogetyooo Wed 23-May-18 11:52:44

It sounds like even if you got married it wouldn't change anything. He sounds from what you describe as not very interested in the relationship. Only you can judge if it's that important. If he won't commit even though you have a child together then somethings wrong .

EmmaJR1 Wed 23-May-18 11:57:26

The really shit but accurate answer is "when he actually wants to get married".

If he doesn't he won't...

However you seem to expect him to be a mind reader and know you've changed your mind and only really communicate through explosions and emotional meltdowns... you might want to look at that first.

MMmomDD Wed 23-May-18 12:01:07

God - OP - you sound so totally obsessed and, at the same time - somehow so insecure.

For starters - you expected him to read your mind when your thinking on marriage changed.
Then - somehow without any discussions - you expect him to deliver something you want - and it seems you think that your feelings is are only ones that matter.

And finally - the way you go about - winning and complaining - who would in their right mind plan a proposal with a gun pointed at them? Not anyone who wants to have it being special.

If you don’t want to destroy your relationship any further by this - just take a breath. Really.

And then - plan a romantic proposal and go for it YOUSELF.
By now - you own it to the poor man who’s been putting up with this madness.

LellyMcKelly Wed 23-May-18 12:02:48

Ask him - you have a kid together. If you want to get married ask to get married. If he says no then at least you know where you stand.

AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 23-May-18 12:03:55

He is not going to propose. He has you with him to cook, clean, otherwise look after him and do the childcare. You also seem to be way down his priority list after his books, friends and phone.

Why are you really together now, is it for your DDs sake?. Staying for the child rarely if ever is a good idea.

It sounds like you are his "she will do for now woman". Unfortunately you have really now given all your power to him and you told him initially that marriage was not necessary. You shot your own self in the foot saying that. It could be argued that his comments re his ex are themselves a red flag in its own right. That should have had you running away from him which makes me think that your boundaries in relationships need more work anyway.

If marriage was and remains important to you, then ultimately you are going to have to find another man to marry. All these vague promises are just that and your legal rights here are almost non existent (he knows that too). He has you on a chain which he yanks just enough for you to stay with him. Honestly would you want this for your DD; no you would not. Its not good enough for you either.

Justmuddlingalong Wed 23-May-18 12:06:59

I think if you can share body fluids, you can share an adult conversation about each others expectations.

SittingAround1 Wed 23-May-18 12:11:36

How about proposing to him. See what he says and then make a decision from there.

Frenchintheuk Wed 23-May-18 12:15:08

Thanks for your replies.

Some are pretty hard to read, feel a bit like a b*tch right now.

Didn't want to give all of the details as my post is already long as a novel but prior to have a child together he said he wanted to marry me, he didn't do it because for me it wasn't important. I changed my mind, fait enough for the comments about it, I understand. But I supposed he still wanted it, in my mind I simply needed to drop hints of marriage for him to get that I was actually ready for it now. It didn't work, too subtle, I should have been more clear and simply tell him I agree on that, that was kind of childish.

When we talked about it later, after my birthday, he said he got the hints but it was not the right moment because I was too emotional (gave birth two months before) so it was like my fault.

Following that, nothing. I didn't talk about it, didn't argue, everything was fine. Still nothing happened.

For Valentine's Day, again, nothing. So this time I talked about it as I realised he never said if he wanted or not and I was confused. He said he wanted it but again not the right time. We argue like all couples, for stupid little things, the toothpaste, the fatigue, and it passes, we don't have arguments for days or problems that threaten our relationship.

Naturally I thought it would happen for our anniversary, who wouldn't? But it didn't and I was disappointed because he clearly wasn't planning to do it soon. I get the impression that he told me "6 months" to reassure me but yes I am wondering if he's really going to do it or even if he's honest when he says he wants it.

Sorry if I sound obsessed and childish to some people but I am confused by someone telling me that he wants something and not doing anything in that sense. I am here to get advices, constructive conversations, not to be judged.

Thank you.

Justmuddlingalong Wed 23-May-18 12:18:25

Enjoy your relationship. Stop thinking that every occasion is a missed chance of a proposal. If he wants to propose, he will, but the constant hounding of him must be very draining.

whatifwhatifhwhatif Wed 23-May-18 12:20:32

When we talked about it later, after my birthday, he said he got the hints but it was not the right moment because I was too emotional (gave birth two months before) so it was like my fault

So he did get the hints.

He said it wasn't the right moment because you were too emotional - surely that would be the right time, something to make you happy?

I'm not judging you. I have been in the same situation as you. Its really horrible.

The fact is, he has known you want marriage since after your DC birth, and has done nothing about it. He has had a year to buy a ring. I think he is making excuses in the hope you will lose interest.

And I agree with PP - what he said about his ex is a huge red flag. And also the fact he has more time for his friends, books and phone doesn't bode well. He doesn't sound like a catch, OP.


AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 23-May-18 12:25:46

Why did you at all tell him that marriage was not important to you?. You gave away all your power to him in doing that.

He has no intention whatsoever of marrying you and is using your own actions against you as well (telling you that you were too emotional for instance). Would you want to be with him now anyway let alone marry him?. Those actions are not loving ones. Love is an action, not just a verb here. He is perhaps the sort of man also who does not want to share.

He also knows that your legal rights in this country are also very poor because you are not married. In law you are seen as two separate individuals who are not related to each other. He would remain financially responsible for his child but has no obligation to you.

If someone else was writing this, what would your own counsel be?.

purplelass Wed 23-May-18 12:27:50

What would being married mean to you? Is it worth the upset?

If he's generally great at everything else, then what difference would being married make?

It's not a guarantee of fidelity or that you'll be together forever, look at all the divorcees on here (me included).
If it's a change of name thing, then there's always deed poll.

I think it's time to count your blessings rather than stressing both of you out over one issue.

RatherBeRiding Wed 23-May-18 12:30:02

Like others, it just doesn't sound as though he is interested in marriage. He MAY have been in the early days of your relationship, but he isn't now.

Unless you have a frank (and calm) conversation with you him you're not going to know. Hints and hoping haven't achieved anything, and nor will they.

You also need to decide if it's a deal-breaker for you. If you talk to him, he says No it's not what he wants - then what? Do you stay or do you go? You need to be clear in your mind before you have The Talk.

StopPOP Wed 23-May-18 12:33:23

I think he was going to propose but has felt an intense pressure and now it doesn't/won't feel natural for him.

In my opinion, best thing to do would be to stop obsessing about it, stop hinting about, don't sulk about it.

Put it to the back of your mind, concentrate on being partners and parents. Take the stress off.

I'd also set a mental deadline if you feel you would like a cut off point, if it's that important etc

sachabloom Wed 23-May-18 12:38:39

I don't think you sound obsessed, I think you sound like you want to marry this man and there's nothing wrong with that.

My OH is a bit like this, I always plan surprises and get random pressies for him and all that mushy stuff, and he never does for me. I used to take it personally and think it meant something but now I realise we're just very different people, he shows love in different ways than I do and our brains work differently and that's ok.
We've talked about marriage a lot and he wants to but isn't as into it as me, so I mention it sometimes but I'll be honest, I wouldn't want him to propose just coz it's what I want.. I'd want him to have decided "yeah this is the right time". And until then/if it ever happens, I'm happy just being us. Rather be unmarried to him than married to anyone else kinda thing.

He probably does want to marry you, he's just being him and it probably isn't as much at the front of his mind as it is yours.

Be honest with him, tell him how you feel and yeah, if you want to get married, ask him- he'd be lucky to have you as his wife 😊 xxx

Loopytiles Wed 23-May-18 12:40:03

Unless you have your own financial assets, continue working out of the home, ideally full time. You don’t have the legal or financial protection to risk SAH.

Ask him to marry you or to agree a cohabitation agreement including financial commitments.

AgentJohnson Wed 23-May-18 12:45:03

If he wanted to marry you, he would have already asked you. Actions speak louder than words, so stop asking, hinting, hoping, sulking, complaining etc as he will find a way to make his reluctance your fault.

The balls in your court, is being married a dealbreaker? If it isn’t, find a way to make peace with not getting married to this man (other men are available). However, him leading you on about the possibility of marriage is a no no and you should tell him that everytime he makes false promises or makes you a scapegoat for his reluctance to marry, it diminishes your respect for him.

flamingofridays Wed 23-May-18 12:53:48

justmuddling I would hardly call mentioning It what 3 or 4 times "hounding"

Toyah66 Wed 23-May-18 12:58:07

"Ask him to marry you "

This! Why does it have to be the man? Mind you, I asked mine and he said "shall we just live together first!" :D
We got married eventually when it was the right time!

Justmuddlingalong Wed 23-May-18 13:04:15

I've just reread the 1st post again. And yes, I would call it hounding. Just my opinion.

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