Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Sexless marriage...trapped...think I love another man

(86 Posts)
StayorLeave Tue 22-May-18 16:00:47

Regular user but name changed so as not to out myself.

Please don't flame me for this... I'm desperately trying to do the right thing.

Married 6 years, 2 DC under 6, no sex for over 3 years. There's no spark... I don't want him to touch me and he doesn't seem bothered, although he does say he loves and fancies me... But he's really passive and doesn't ever try anything.

I met someone at the beginning of the year who made me feel things I didn't realise I could. Once I realised I couldn't go on living a lie, I told DH that I wanted to separate.

He was devastated, and begged me to stay for the kids and to keep the family together.

We "separated" for a few months, still under the same roof but me on the sofa and spending the occasional night at a friend's or relative. We had some counselling, and agreed to try and give it another go, but the moment I agreed to it, my heart sank and I felt trapped all over again.

I've tried not to see the OM, but I miss him, and he misses me. I tried to block him, delete his number etc, but bumped into him the other day and my heart just exploded (I'm well aware of how cheesy that sounds...! hmm)

So I don't know what to do. DH will be devastated if I leave, and I'm not financially viable to go anywhere - I can't afford the rent and deposit on anywhere, let alone somewhere that the kids can stay. And if I'm the one that leaves then he'll be in a much better place to take custody of the kids.

But do I sacrifice my possible happiness with the OM for the sake of my kids, and live a lie with my DH? I'm completely stuck and could do with some good advice.

Adora10 Tue 22-May-18 16:11:37

Then do the right thing; end your sham of a marriage, you will be entitled to any profit from selling your home if it's owned?

He will also have to provide maintenance for his kids, I'd be shocked if he got custody, why would he?

You start small and build up, first thing is to end the marriage and try and be amicable until you both finalise things.

So what if he wants to keep it going, you clearly do not and already have been seeing OM; it's time to call it a day on your shenanigans OP and do the right thing as you intimate.

StayorLeave Tue 22-May-18 16:34:38

But how? If he doesn't want to, and he won't sell the house (it's solely in his name), how am I supposed to do it? And how can I leave my children?

Why is everything so fucking difficult?

AttilaTheMeerkat Tue 22-May-18 16:40:56

Your children will not say thanks mum for staying with your H; they can and do pick up on all the vibes both spoken and unspoken. Staying for the sake of the children is rarely if ever a good idea because it teaches them that their parents marriage was based on a lie and that is a terribly heavy burden to place upon them. Your children cannot be used as glue here to bind he and you together.

I would also start the process of ending your sham of a marriage as well as spending some time on your own post this to properly determine what you want from a relationship. It may be that this OM is not right for you either ultimately. He may well be a panacea for ending your marriage rather than a long term commitment.

Why would your H get (full) custody of his children?. That is mere supposition on your part as well as wrong. Seek proper legal advice.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are the two of you teaching them here?. Both of you, particularly your H, need to take a good and long hard look at yourselves.

AttilaTheMeerkat Tue 22-May-18 16:42:28

Your H is not a court of law and you do not need his permission to end the marriage. The house even if it is his sole name I believe is counted as a joint asset because you are married to this individual. Again seek legal advice.

GunpowderAndLead Tue 22-May-18 16:43:35

It wouldn't be out of the blue for DH to accept you don't want to keep trying.

Would he be willing for sake of kids to let you all live there and he go?

Adora10 Tue 22-May-18 16:45:15

You are married, he either sells or buys you out, you need to go see a family law solicitor to find out your rights, what other way is there.

Tell him you are cheating on him, he may then decide it's best you do indeed split.

Yeah it will be difficult but at least it would be a means to an end.

TattyCat Tue 22-May-18 16:45:49

Why is everything so fucking difficult?

It's not. You've made it difficult by entering into a relationship with someone else before ending your existing relationship. Instead of concentrating on OM, focus on your marriage and doing the right thing, whether that's leaving as nicely as possible, without hurting your husband further, or staying and genuinely making it work.

Life throws enough shit around without creating it. You are creating your own.

TattyCat Tue 22-May-18 16:47:20

I'm assuming that you told your husband about OM? Or did you just say you wanted to separate?

StayorLeave Tue 22-May-18 16:49:42

Is it cheating if we were separated though...? I know it's a moot point.

He won't leave the kids. He won't sell the house as he says it's their family home.

I don't know what to do.

SandyY2K Tue 22-May-18 16:51:42

So he had the house before you got married?

You might want to seek proper legal advice.

There's no point in living a lie. When you tell him you don't love him, have no sexual desire for him and can't carry on like this as it's not fair for either if you ... he should get it.

Even if he doesn't agree...You need to push ahead with a separation and divorce.

Set him free to find love while you do the same.

LeChatDeNuit Tue 22-May-18 16:52:20

In your OP it sounds like you cheated.

FicusReligiosa Tue 22-May-18 16:55:11

I would suggest that you try and work on your marriage. Not for the sake of the kids - for your own sake. Something made you marry THIS man and make HIM the father of your children. Please do not make the mistake of thinking that the grass is greener on the other side just because there's great sex. You may be in limerence, by the way, since you've only known the OM for several months.

LeChatDeNuit Tue 22-May-18 16:56:43

How did you meet OM? What makes you think you’re in love with him?

SandyY2K Tue 22-May-18 17:01:17

He won't sell the house as he says it's their family home.

Then you need to move out. If the genders were reversed he'd be getting all sorts of abuse.

He had the house before he knew you. It's his family home.... so find a rental property and move out. Perhaps you could reach a financial settlement that doesn't involve selling the house.

Do you work? Any savings or can you ask your family to help.

I'd feel bad forcing the sale of the home he had before you got married. It feels like taking money that's not yours in a way.

If it was bought during marriage...even in his own name that would be different.

If you go down the route of trying to force a sale...it will be quite a battle and your coparenting relationship will more than likely be hellish.

What's in the best interest of the kids?

2boysDad Tue 22-May-18 17:07:24

Sometimes you can beat yourself up about mistakes you've made but it doesn't get you anywhere. What matters now is the choices you make. As I see it, you have several options.

a) Put up with the situation.

b) Let you hubby know you're not happy and that you're going to find yourself a "bit on the side". It's then up to HIM to decide if that's something he can live with or not. If he can't then HE needs to do something about your lack of sex life. Personally, I don't regard this as cheating although others may disagree.

c) Separate. Contrary to the sexist-nonsense written higher up this thread, this isn't the middle ages. There is no such thing as custody any more. It was abolished as a legal term in the 1980s. The two of you can share parenting responsibilities. The house can be sold and you can both buy/rent in smaller properties. You can get a job to fund yourself - no need to rely on your ex and much better all round.

None of those choices are without downsides unfortunately but neither are they without hope.

Good luck.

StayorLeave Tue 22-May-18 17:15:21

I’d never heard of limerence before I joined MN... I’m aware that the OM could well be this, or a panacea or a catalyst or whatever you want to call it... However there is a bit of an obsession on MN to call anything limerence! How does one tell?

Also, something only happened with OM when DH and I were separated, not since we agreed to try again.

The fact is I’m desperately unhappy and have been for a long time. I’ve spent the last year or so trying to work at my marriage.

Regards the house, I meant family home as for the kids - it’s the only one they’ve known. DH bought it in his name before we were married but when I was expecting DS1.

Onemansoapopera Tue 22-May-18 17:19:13

Its commonly known as an exit affair.

StayorLeave Tue 22-May-18 17:23:07

LeChat he’s someone I’ve known vaguely for a long time and then met while out drinking.

The reason I think I love him is because apart from all the corny stuff, I genuinely care about him and his well-being, and want to make him happy even if that’s by me staying away from him. It’s not some obsessive stalkery impassioned thing, it feels real.

But regardless, it’s almost separate to my marriage problems, which were there way before OM turned up. Even if he’s not right for me and we don’t end up having a relationship, I still think my marriage is over.

I work full time but have a huge amount of debt to pay off and a terrible credit rating, which would make it very hard for me to get anywhere to live.

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad Tue 22-May-18 17:26:09

I have been in this situation and it was incredibly difficult. I know others too in similar situations. Women wanting to leave sexless and intimacy-less marriages but husbands refusing to divorce or sell the house. It’s not easy. In the end my exH went as I refused to leave the children - he worked away a lot and I’d been there for them 24/7 since they were born and I wasn’t going anywhere. I started divorce proceedings and he eventually moved out. I just wanted you to know that there are some of us who can see how incredibly hard it is.

LeChatDeNuit Tue 22-May-18 17:33:37

If you’re serious about OM and think he’s serious about you, is staying with him until you are able to rent somewhere of your own an option?

StayorLeave Tue 22-May-18 17:33:53

onemorecupoftea thank you. That means a lot and really helps. I’m not some scarlet woman who’s shagging around for the sake of it, I want to do right by everybody, but that always seems to mean sacrificing my own happiness.

AForest Tue 22-May-18 17:35:54

OP I could have written this. I felt overwhelmed and trapped too. Things I have done so far:

1) Gone to Relate, took less than 30 mins for H to agree to separate
2) Had my own counselling to get my head straight and understand myself a bit more
3) Seen a solicitor

My next steps are to get the finances sorted, file for divorce and work out how to move out (I am self employed with no chance of a mortgage) My H wants to keep the house and buy me out. We need to sort this out asap. He is totally passive and I have given him time to come to terms with our decision but he won't acknowledge me at all. If this is to progress I am going to have to be the proactive one.

Personally I am happy for him to keep the house, as long as I can have an adequate roof over my head to coparent our three children. I think it would be easier for the children and as I am pushing for divorce I feel I should move out.

Instead of drifting along hoping he will engage, I am setting a timetable to be sorted my Christmas. I feel sad it has come to this, but we only have one life and I can't live a loveless one. Plus I know it is not showing the children what loving relationships can be like.

Best of luck OP. It is hard but little steps and progress can be made. I had a wobble in the solicitors talking about ending my marriage, but its hopeless and I don't want to have regrets. Btw I won't be jumping into another relationship. I need to do this for myself with a clear head. I don't ever want to be reliant on anyone ever again.

Easterbonett Tue 22-May-18 17:38:47

I could have written your post OP as in same situation. It's taking that final plunge and decision which is hard. My DH is in denial and when I say I'm unhappy it doesn't seem to register and stir him on to change anything.
I'm getting individual counselling which is helping me put perspective on things

Racecardriver Tue 22-May-18 17:38:58

Maybe try not to be so selfish. You are happy to break your promises and make your husband and children miserable just to get a bit of action? Their lives don't revolve around you. Either find a a way to make things work with your husband (whether that is by patching things up or maybe trying an open marriage) or you leave alone. Don't take his children away just because you aren't into him anymore.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: