Help - money missing from my purse and I suspect DSS

[UnexpectedStepmum]

My 27 year old stepson has been staying with me for the past couple of months since his relationship with his dad (my ExH) broke down due to Ex’s drinking. It was supposed to be temporary whilst he sorted himself out but he has stayed in bed all day, gone out most of the night and not done much round the house. A couple of weeks ago I told him I’ve had enough and he had until the end of the month to leave. He apologised, made a effort to tidy up and found cash in hand work.

A couple of times I’ve had cash go missing, from my pocket or purse. Last night I went out to get money for something I have to pay today, and this morning I found £30 missing from my purse. I’m pretty sure it’s DSS though I have no proof.

What do I do? If I ask or accuse he will deny it. I didn’t go through the horror of leaving my abusive Ex to feel unsafe in my home again. I just want him to go. I feel sick thinking about it. Any advice please?

[ivykaty44]

Tell him he needs to leave today, as you can’t live like this.
He will stay for however king you put up with this...

[GunpowderAndLead]

Horrible. What I would do is call ex DH and say come and get your son. Tell Dss it's not working out things have changed and he will need to go.

That would give him the chance to work out and admit. I doubt he will.

If you really believe no one else has had true chance I would be trying to be tactful or understanding. I'd want them gone today

[whatwouldkeithRichardsdo2]

This is horrible. I am sorry.

As you have no proof, I would hide my valuables straight away. Really unpleasant that you have to do this but it's sensible.

I'd ask him to leave. You need to feel safe and happy in your home.

[Pressuredrip]

was anybody else in the house? If not I'd send him packing. Tell him why.

If you want more proof you could also plant some money which has invisible permanent ink on that you can use to catch him out red handed, but after swiping £30 he'll probably play it safe for a while. What a dick.

[MightyMagnificentScarfaceClaw]

In the house there have been my young kids (they don’t understand paper money), my DP and my au pair both of whom I trust. Au pair has been with me nearly a year and money only started going missing since DSS has been here.

He has to go. I don’t trust him and wouldn’t believe him whatever he said so I can’t have him here. My only question for myself is whether I confront him and have a row, or just say I need the room back, it was always temporary and he has to find something else.

[MightyMagnificentScarfaceClaw]

Gunpowder my Ex has washed his hands of DSS, he said that he had taken money from him too.

[MightyMagnificentScarfaceClaw]

Well, that name change didn’t work then .

[Haffdonga]

You're right. There's probably little point in confronting him because he'll deny, get angry and probably behave worse. You just need him gone as smoothly and with as little aggro as possible. So play the game, avoid bargaining or threats and be FIRM.

1. Lock up your valuables first.( He knows he's blown it so he'll be looking for stuff on his way out.)
   
2. Remind him of the deadline you gave (next week) and tell him he's got until Saturday to move out. Don't give a reason why. You don't have to justify this. The more you explain, the more he has to argue back about.
   
3. If he's made no effort to find a place then organise his first night's accommodation in a travelodge or hostel if you feel it would remove his excuses. Give him details of CAB, local housing advice or homeless charities.
   
4. If he begs, pleads and promises to behave better then listen, empathise that he's in a difficult position and remind him that this Saturday's deadline hasn't changed. (If he kicks off or behaves threateningly then call the police. )
   

You just have to do it. Very good luck

[MightyMagnificentScarfaceClaw]

Thank you haffdonga that’s good advice. I know you said I don’t have to give a reason - what do you think about me saying I need the room for a friend? I thought it might make it harder for him to argue. I struggle with confrontation ☹️

[SandyY2K]

You've had a name change fail.

Tell him he needs to go. You really don't any obligation to house him.

[billyt]

And if he has/had a key, get the locks changed.

[Haffdonga]

The only problem with saying you need the room for a visiting friend is the wiggle room it gives him. He could say:

• so why can't I stay until they arrive?
  
• why can't I just sleep on the couch when they're here?
  
• I'll move back into my room when they've gone, wont I?
  
• why can't I stay here while your friend is here? Are you ashamed of me? Are they more important to you than me? Don't you care about me?
  

The visitor excuse might help you set a deadline but I'd try to make it clear that it's not The reason.

You: Well DSS, it's nearly the end of May. Friend is coming next week. You do need to have moved out by Saturday. Have you made plans?
DSS: Fuck off. You never told me. I cant find somewhere that fast. I can't believe you'd do this etc bla etc bla
You: (Repeat) You do need to move out by Saturday.
DSS: Is this because X, Y Z because that's not fair/ I didn't do it/ you're a bitch etc etc
You: (Repeat) You do need to move out by Saturday.
DSS: I'll be homeless. Are you really putting me out on the streets? Booo hooo
You: (Repeat) You've got until Saturday. You could try these people (give leaflets)

You will need to clear out his stuff if he refuses to budge. Does he have any friend or relative you could hand over his belongings to if he doesn't make a move? Once his bags are packed and relocated he has no justifiable reason to enter your house except theft.

[hellsbellsmelons]

If no-one else could have taken it then he has.
You need to tackle it head on.
Just tell him he's a thief and has totally betrayed your trust and you want him gone by the morning.
He's not even your son.
How long have you know him for?

[MightyMagnificentScarfaceClaw]

Thank you for your responses. haffdonga really useful modelling of replies, that’s what I need, a stone wall response.

I told him he needs to go, that I need the room back and it was always temporary. He said he’s bot sure where he can go and has no money, I said yes it’s difficupt but you need to sort something. He asked if there was any other reason (guilty conscience for definite) and I said you need to find another option. Just need to hold a firm line now. Thank you for advice and support.

[Haffdonga]

Well done @Mightymagnificentscarfaceclaw . You sound really fair and assertive.

What's his deadline? Let us know how it goes.

[MightyMagnificentScarfaceClaw]

Thank you @haffdonga. The deadline is still the end of the month. There will undoubtedly be more pleading and pressure as that time gets closer but your suggested responses have really helped me get into the right place mentally. Will update you, thank you for your support.