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Lack of intimacy

(40 Posts)
Smilesandgiggles2012 Mon 21-May-18 11:32:36

I feel very hurt by the lack of intimacy my partner shows towards me. We never ever have sex any more. I have an interest in him sexually but I don't believe he shares that back with myself. I've brought up the lack of sex in our relationship and has said that it's not that he doesn't find me attractive but that he doesn't know if I'm tired or in the mood for sex. I told him I was in the mood and just wanted to feel close to him and that I would like us to start having sex again.

Well that conversation has fallen flat because nothing changed, our relationship still remained sexless. I brought up the topic again and explained that after two children my body has changed and I'm going to start to tone up and lose some weight (I'm a size 14 was a 10/12) he told me to stop being silly and that he still loved my body. I then said is there anything bothering him and he explained there wasn't and that again he didn't want to put sex on me and pressure me into it as I look tired a lot of the time (thankssss 😂)

I've tried numerous times to talk with him. I've tired pretty much every thing and anything to get the sex back into our relationship but he isn't interested. We are only young 24 me and he is 30. Has anyone here been through anything similar?! If so how did you overcome it? I just feel very unattractive and hurt but it's not as though I haven't tried.

bunchofdrapes Mon 21-May-18 12:36:20

Difficult one, maybe if he sense you don't feel attractive he doesn't feel attracted to you?

It could be that you need him to desire you in order to feel attractive but he can't seem to desire you if you don't feel attractive.

Have you tried more explicit suggestions rather than "a talk"?

Smilesandgiggles2012 Mon 21-May-18 13:35:55

I do need him to desire me in order for me to feel attractive. I've tried many a thing to get him into bed but he shows no interest. He tells me that he finds me attractive and that it is nothing to do with me but then nothing changes. I put on make up, do my hair and take pride in how I look, I'm not stunning but I'm not ugly either.

whatwouldkeithRichardsdo2 Mon 21-May-18 16:15:35

In exactly the same situation. Nothing has helped our situation. It's a vicious circle - the resentment builds which then causes an argument. We never recover from those arguments that then become 'the reason' we don't have sex. In my case, the bottom line is that my husband doesn't desire me. You have to work out what you can tolerate, I am afraid. I am 7 years in and I should have been more honest with myself at the start- our sex drives were never in sync, nor are our desires.

Bodies change. Stress comes and goes. Children arrive. But there has to be some common ground and honesty at the outset to share a decent sex life.

MarieG10 Mon 21-May-18 16:37:25

So if you had a night out minus kids, come back and you have some rather risqué/raunchy underwear on...he would still turn you down? Maybe you need to break the rut you are in ?

Smilesandgiggles2012 Mon 21-May-18 16:52:50

I believe my issue to be the same that my partner doesn't desire me. We have had talks and arguments about our sex life. I remember him saying "so what you're saying is you need my cock in order to feel validated?" Well that annoyed me so much I said "don't think so highly of yourself I just thought in a loving relationship both parties would want to be physically close to one another, clearly that isn't the case for you"

He shows no interest in sex with me, it hurts so much. The last few times we've had sex I felt he has only done it out of pity because of how upset the lack of sex makes me feel.

I honestly don't know how much longer I can take this. I want to feel desired and right now I feel the complete opposite and in a way I feel like I'm dirty.

Smilesandgiggles2012 Mon 21-May-18 16:57:19

We have had no kids for the night. I've done myself up and I've laid it on a plate for him and still nothing. All he wanted to do was eat and then sleep so I got into my pjs climbed into bed and cried myself to sleep.

MarieG10 Mon 21-May-18 16:58:53

Smiles. So sorry to hear. If he won't talk and engage on it I really don't know what you can do. It's sad but the reality is that very few relationships last long term minus the intimacy of a satisfying sex life. Maybe you need to be frank with him that you need more and if he can't give it then your future is at risk

gamerchick Mon 21-May-18 17:05:51

Actions speak louder than words I would (and have) said. A relationship dies without intamacy and I've said that as well.

Ask him to talk to you about what splitting up looks like (did that) because you're not going through life not being desired and your emotional well being nurtured.

Ask him to go back to basics and start dating again, get to know each other again and see where the land lies but he needs to know the stakes.

Dappledsunlight Mon 21-May-18 18:06:19

Smiles, that's a pretty cruel comment from him. It's natural that you want to be desired. It sounds like he can't admit there's something wrong. If it is that his desire is ebbing he needs to sort that out - either look at the physical or emotional root and then decide. Maybe suggest you both speak to a counsellor to shock him into reality. It's not being fair on you. Is it perhaps a dip in your relationship or were things always this way?

Drifting1908 Mon 21-May-18 18:11:32

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

HappenstanceMarmite Mon 21-May-18 18:51:46

He’s using “being considerate” (I thought you looked tired etc) as an excuse whilst making it your fault 🙄

whatwouldkeithRichardsdo2 Mon 21-May-18 19:04:13

If you feel you have explored all the possible causes (and there are so many - we even looked at low T and got a gel which he stopped using) then you have to be clear about what you want and also what you won't accept. It's either see a counselor/go to the GP, or you separate. If sex is important to you (and I think it should be) then any other route always just ends in no change.

Have you suggested an open marriage? What would he say to that?

I would also massively step up investing in yourself even whilst still in the marriage. Get in great shape. Put yourself first. Don't do anything more for him until he participates as a husband should. Totally change the dynamic to shake yourself free.

I know this is so horrible for you. You're not alone. Many marriages are like this, so don't feel ashamed. And don't allow him to make you feel dirty or inhibited. This isn't you.

Smilesandgiggles2012 Mon 21-May-18 19:49:40

My thoughts exactly!!

Smilesandgiggles2012 Mon 21-May-18 20:01:14

Thank you for your advice. I'm certainly going to use this time to look after myself more. At the very least it will allow me to gain some self confidence back as it's truly taken a major hit.

I wouldn't suggest an open marriage. It's not something I'd feel comfortable doing as I'd feel massively guilty. He would probably get really angry over that suggestion too. I had previously joked about having an open relationship with him and he stated he would hate the thought of me with someone else.

I will speak to him (again) when the time is right and explain to him that this is a deal breaker within the relationship. I doubt it will get me any where though, as it will either end in arguing or just a heap of excuses from him as to why we haven't had sex.

I know this is a common problem within relationships but generally it's the man in my position and as the woman wanting the sexual intimacy I feel a bit alone.

whatwouldkeithRichardsdo2 Mon 21-May-18 20:07:12

Just so you know, men going off sex is far more common than you think. It's just not very talked about, but that is changing.

OneThingMissing Mon 21-May-18 20:24:41

I agree that this is becoming more openly discussed, and porn is increasingly to blame for the lack of desire. My DP stopped wanting to sleep with me and never got it back, so I left (it wasn’t the only reason but it was a major one). My self-esteem took a major battering and I’m still really struggling - so I’d advise you not to stick around if he seems happy with the status quo and shows no signs of trying to change it.

bunchofdrapes Tue 22-May-18 10:15:59

Is he deeply resentful (rightly or wrongly) about something you don't yet know?

But to me it sounds like he's using excuses to avoid telling you directly the real reason he's not engaging.

HipsterAssassin Tue 22-May-18 10:29:32

It’s a passive aggressive of him to keep putting this all on you - you looked tired, I don’t know if you want it (when it’s clear that you do), you need my cock to validate you.....

If he can’t be honest about how he feels then you have no relationship to fix.

How is the rest of your relationship - do you spend time together, laugh together? Are there hugs, kisses?

forumdonkey Tue 22-May-18 11:56:40

I will speak to him (again) when the time is right and explain to him that this is a deal breaker within the relationship. I doubt it will get me any where though, as it will either end in arguing or just a heap of excuses from him as to why we haven't had sex.

Don't say it if you don't mean it, but it would be a deal breaker for me, especially if you've tried everything and even more so given how young you both still are

gamerchick Tue 22-May-18 12:20:33

Let him argue and give the list of excuses and when hes finished talking tell him your stance hasn't changed, that it is a deal breaker and you refuse to spend your life in a relationship with no intamacy.

Then ask him if he has any suggestions.

Smilesandgiggles2012 Tue 22-May-18 12:26:34

Thank you all for your advice and support.

We talked last night. He assured me it wasn't me, the way the conversation was going I thought my luck was in that evening but no lol. We simply went to bed and nothing happened.

I woke up in a mood and dropped the kids to school and then confronted him before he left for work. I exploded and he told me that how is he meant to find me attractive when I constantly nag him for sex. He explained that he felt pressured and that he felt all I am after is sex. I literally walked away from that argument and he left for work.

I give up trying now! I'm done trying to get him to notice me or desire me. I believe he doesn't find me attractive. He is making me feel dirty and awful for wanting to be physically close to the man I love. I need to accept now that sex is off the cards in our relationship and if I'm prepared to stick around because I'm only 24.

gamerchick Tue 22-May-18 12:46:32

That's why you need to ask if he has any suggestions, because you're not willing to accept the end of these conversations the way he's doing them.

Do you think maybe there is another woman in the background he doesn't want to 'cheat on'?

MarieG10 Tue 22-May-18 12:55:36

I would give it a couple of months. Don't mention or try to initiate sex and therefore no pressure. If nothing changes, then I think you have your answer. For whatever reason he doesn't want or can't bring himself to have sex with you and as you have already intimated that is not how you want to live..and at 24 why would want to !!

Relationships virtually never survive without genuine intimacy

Smilesandgiggles2012 Tue 22-May-18 15:01:07

I had thought there maybe another woman but I have zero proof to go on other than we don't have sex.

He isn't coming home late, no random phone calls or texts and no changes in behaviour at home other than no sex. I can't really accuse him of it when there is no evidence but i have thought about it many a time.

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