Man not moving in

[Lunettesloupes]

So I have been seeing a guy for nearly 3 years. We are both divorced (we were separated when we met, divorced now both finalised for more than a year). We have a lovely time together - do lots, enjoy company, stay over with each other several times per week.

He first made noises about moving in with me probably 2 years ago and I resisted as I like having my own place and I didn't want to rush into anything. Also I have children. Well the children are now going off to college/uni. About a year ago DP asked me if I would consider getting married. I'm in 2 minds but I said that if he asked me that I would say yes. TBH I thought he was kind of testing the water and pretty much asking me. He said 'there would have to be a proper proposal' which is not really my thing but probably would be his. So I said 'ok but don't do anything public or embarrassing'. He says 'no no would just be the two of us' so that's fine.

So we are a year on. I kept thinking for a while that he was going to ask me and I'd kind of talked myself into it (not cos I don't love him but it's a leap of faith given I've been married before). Then he says something again about moving in with me. I give this big speech about how I'm not moving in with him unless/until we have decided to get married; otherwise I'm quite content to keep things as they are. He says 'well done' and then I say 'I think you should say something now'. He says 'I know' and then decides to go to bed.

So I decide to keep it at the previous level - separate houses - I like that set up - I always enjoy seeing him, we support each other and have fun together but he doesn't get under my feet and I have my independence and my own space.

Yesterday he tells me he's just going to make a phonecall. He's inside and I'm out so I don't hear it all but I do overhear him say 'I'll need to ask Lunettesloupes'. Then later he tells me that an old neighbour was on the phone (although DP phoned him) and his son has split up with his wife and is looking to rent somewhere local to my DP. He says what do I think? I say 'it depends if you want to share your house with this guy or not'. Then he says 'I think he would want the house to himself'. The guy works on the rigs so it's 3 weeks on 3 weeks off. I say 'why do they think you have a house to rent?' and he says 'I think they have got the wrong end of the stick' (because he's occasionally let the house on AirBNB and stayed at mine). It's made me feel cross - what makes a man think he has the right to move into my house? I've told him what it would take and he seems to be trying to find another way to move in. It's not sitting well with me as I've been manipulated before.

I don't know what I'm asking here. Perhaps it's AIBU...perhaps it's what should I do? Perhaps it's should I let this man go and find someone who wants to move in with him?

[IsaidMrDarcynotArsey]

So it’s a financially beneficial solution for him to a problem you don’t have ? Got to be honest this would rankle me. It’s not a declaration of undying love and a desire to never be apart is it ?

[Aprilmightbemynewname]

Tell him he won't be moving in with you just because it is convenient.
And mean it.. You placed your cards on the table regarding your expectations. Don't compromise regarding this imo.

[Lunettesloupes]

Yes, it did rankle me. I thought why would I go to all the inconvenience of having someone living in my house so that a stranger can get to rent a house? It's also the way that he didn't ask me directly...that's annoying too. I've tried putting my cards on the table but he still seems to be trying to move in on his terms. I feel that it's a crazy expectation that someone should move into your house...but then I also feel like I'm being unreasonable.

[TwitterQueen1]

Stop playing games with each other and have an actual talk. And sort yourself out too. Do you want to get married or not? To me, if you'll only let him move in if you get married, you don't love him enough. How on earth do you think being married is going to make any difference to whether your relationship lasts or not?

You're both being ridiculous - which is why I'm being cross!

[Lunettesloupes]

Erm because it would provide me with some financial protection for a start

[MsPavlichenko]

To be honest it sounds as if the current set up suits you well. More importantly I'd be wary about his attempts to manipulate you into him moving in rather than being direct. A bit of a red flag imo.

[Lunettesloupes]

The current set up suits me fine, although it feels time limited and I sometimes feel guilty. I feel there is pressure on women to want to have a man live with them, or to feel flattered that a man wants that but personally I don't see the benefit. If I was going to live with a man it would be him. It's not about loving him enough.

[HipsterAssassin]

If your property is in your name already (I presume that it is) then the financial protection is only inheritance tax, I think, and you might be less protected in terms of your assets, if you have more than him?

But I think this is a sideline to the real issue which is you guys not managing to have a direct conversation about the way forward.

Disclaimer - who knows what the answer is. I get the ‘time limited’ thing. And I do understand your reticence about marriage and moving in. I too am in a LTR post-divorce with kids on both sides. It’s not easy. Nor is it particularly romantic. All these considerations are around property, assets, financial logistics, other people’s kids... loss of freedom, it’s not very Harry/Meghan haha...!!

Sympathies, OP If you find the answe, let me know.

His indirect manipulation is wrong though. You have got to knock that on the head.

[MsPavlichenko]

Fifteen years and not living together here . Couldn't be happier.

[keepingbees]

You want to get married before moving in together, he wants to move in together before getting married.

I think you both need a long chat and to make some compromises.
In all honesty I do think it's better to live together before marriage as you get to see the bad side of someone as well as the good (just my humble personal opinion from bitter experience)
If your casual situation works for you then tell him, but don't expect a proposal. Equally he can't expect to just move in commitment free if it's not what you want. You need to sort it otherwise you'll both end up living in this eternal limbo, you both need to agree whether to keep it casual, or make it more formal.

[Lunettesloupes]

I tried the long chat keepingbees and he hasn't really come back with anything. And now this...another attempt to move in by stealth, which has upset me tbh. I thought he would at least respect my position. I don't expect him to agree with it necessarily.

MsP I like that - I think that could work really well for everyone.

Hipsters you're right we do need a conversation.

Anyone telling me that it's better for me to move in with him - I don't agree and the stats don't seem to support that either. Marriages are more likely not to end in divorce when people don't live together first. I've lived with men before and I've been married before. I don't want to live with a man again unless I'm married.

[Trinity66]

I definitely want to live together before getting married tbh, its the sensible way to go imo

[Lunettesloupes]

That's up to you Trinity. I've got a house that I like, that is furnished and set up how I like it, for myself and my kids. If I were to live with someone then it would be as a permanent committed move to something shared, not to give someone a go at staying in my house. That''s just the way I feel about it.

[HipsterAssassin]

OP, I mean this politely. Are you protecting yourself emotionally by approaching this from a position of, ‘the stats say marriage is more likely to work if I get married first’? Because this is clearly a huge oversimplification. It’s only one aspect.

Surely the respect, shared goals, emotional/sexual compatibility, ability to resolve conflict are better predictors? And maybe this is a conflict you need to see if you can resolve productively?
There is no getting away from the fact that it’s always a ‘leap of faith’ though. Sadly.

[Trinity66]

I just don't think you truly know a person until you live with them is all

[HipsterAssassin]

Is it that you would want to buy a property together, OP, rather than have him move in? I can’t figure out what your issue is

[expatinscotland]

I would not be impressed with his later attempt. TBH, I couldn't be bothered to marry again or move in with someone if something happened to DH. I like having my own space and independence, also have kids and want all my assets to go to them. I see NOTHING wrong with being a couple and not living together, in fact, I think that set up is vastly underestimated.

So I'd just tell him, 'That won't work for me as I don't want a live-in relationship at present.'

His moving in benefits himself financially and gives him the flexibility to move back out when he needs to.

Nah.

[Lunettesloupes]

I don't want him to move in to my house and live together.
If we were to get married, obviously we would consider where we would live together and probably buy a house together.
Is it unreasonable to not live together or not live together until/unless marriage is on the cards?
TBH I think all the couples we know who live together are married...it's not unusual.

[expatinscotland]

'Is it unreasonable to not live together or not live together until/unless marriage is on the cards?'

No, not necessarily, but when it comes to protecting your assets for your kids then it makes sense not to marry.

Not sure exactly why you want to marry this bloke, or anyone, though.

[HipsterAssassin]

Of course it’s reasonable.

All you and he need to know is that it matters to you. End of. You and he need to find a way forwards. What do you both want and is there middle ground?

It doesn’t matter what people here think.

Although I do empathise with your ambivalence.

[HollowTalk]

If I were you, I would rent out each house and rent somewhere together for a year, just to see how you get on. You could each keep your own rent and share costs for that time. If you enjoy living together, you could then make the decision re housing. But for him to sneak into your house knowing your conditions - well, it's very cheeky indeed.

[Lunettesloupes]

Why does anyone marry?
I don't want to live with someone unless it's someone I would marry and who would marry me...is that it?
We both have kids and we both have assets - there's not a big disparity there.

[HollowTalk]

I would be wary about being married without the test of living together, simply because of the money involved. I'd want to protect my own property and my children's inheritance.

[expatinscotland]

I would just carry on as you are. You don't seem dissatisfied with that. Really not seeing why you'd want to get married when you seem quite happy as you are.

[Lunettesloupes]

Thank you Hipster that is useful because it's taking account of what I want, not just telling me that what I want is wrong or that I ought to try living with him.
It took a lot of work and effort to get my own place and I'm not just having a man move in to it.