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DW on HRT hard to live with

(33 Posts)
HarmlessChap Mon 21-May-18 02:29:42

When she was menstruating naturally I knew to keep my head down for a couple of days a month and avoid saying or doing anything which could escalate.

With HRT that phase seems to be worse and last longer. I'm sick of the sniping, snapping and her doing things which she knows wind me up. I think the kids are fed up too as they've started backing me up when she swears blind that I didn't say this or said that.

Tonight has been particularly bad, she went to bed hours ago and I'm putting off going. I might sleep on the sofa, I just don't feel like sharing a bed with her at the moment.

It can't be good for her to feel so irritated but in a few days she'll have calmed down again and there will be total denial; I'll be told I imagined it and she will refuse point blank to speak to the GP. The kids won't want to get involved then as "normal mum" will be back. Its been like this for over 6 months now.

HarmlessChap Mon 21-May-18 02:39:32

On reflection I'll not sleep on the sofa as I'm sure it would be worse tomorrow if I do.

StylishMummy Mon 21-May-18 03:21:52

Have you tried having a gentle 'how are you feeling' chat?
Menopause can be a really nasty and exhausting time, getting plenty of sleep, eating a good diet and minimising alcohol can all help to reduce mood swings and sweats. My DM suffered horrifically but didn't want to help herself so made it worse for her and us. It's a tricky conversation to have, good luck!

Monty27 Mon 21-May-18 04:26:41

You haven't got much empathy OP have you? Do you know how tired she is probably feeling for example. Maybe she would like you to stay on the sofa. You sound awful. hmm

TeeBee Mon 21-May-18 04:46:16

I would recommend that you educate yourself a little on what your wife is actually going through. Constant exhaustion, weight gain by even opening a cupboard, crippling anxiety, stress, no sleep, emotions all over the place. Yeah, it kind of makes you cranky. A kind, loving partner can make all the difference.

starlightmeteorite Mon 21-May-18 07:14:49

I imagine your DW is finding the menopause hard to live with. Unfortunately she has no choice in the matter.

Maybe start doing a lot more around the house and with the dcs so that she can rest. She is probably exhausted. Hormonal tiredness is like no tiredness you will have ever experienced. She will be a lot less stressed and a lot happier if she can put her feet up an relax. Your dcs should do more too.

swingofthings Mon 21-May-18 07:20:21

Harmless, as a woman going through the 'change', I sympathise with you. All I can say is that the unease you feel with her, she most likely feel with herself.

She would have gone on hrt because she felt awful before. I was on hrt for three months and I hated it. No choice but to take progesterone and that made me so hyper, angry, my mind constantly buzzing with negative thoughts, it was horrible. In the end, I opted for the misery of the symptoms over the misery of this.

My advice would be to take deep breaths and trust that it will get better. You suffer, you don't deserve it, but try to think that she is also finding herself feeling dreadful through what she will see as a force that is controlling her over her wishes. She most likely hates the way she is, but somehow find that she can't do anything about it. It's horrible.

The menopause is a very nasty phase, sometimes I wonder if it is to test relationship, so that when it's over, it feels like being on honeymoon again! Hang in there and if you can, give her exactly the opposite of what you feel like giving her. A big hug that says 'you're a pain but I sympathise' can do wonder.

ConstantlyCold Mon 21-May-18 07:24:35

Sounds like she needs to go back to the GP to ask about tweeting her HRT.

Try and have a gentle conversation, she’s probably feeling like shit at the moment.

FuelledByButter Mon 21-May-18 07:25:54

Ive had some horrific moments going through "the change". My partner simply reassured me that he was there for me and when I came out of a hideous moment he welcomed me back.
Possibly sleeping separately from your wife may help her. It'll be cooler for her.
Suggest starflower oil capsules. If she's been open enough to go to the gp and get hrt then she may consider other things that help. What led her to seek hrt? She must have acknowledged some issues.

ChangoMutney Mon 21-May-18 07:29:08

Are you sure you mean HRT and not pmt?

FuelledByButter Mon 21-May-18 07:29:58

6 months isn't that long. Menopause symptoms can last years. It's hellish to live through and yes, difficult for family but maybe explain to the kids that mum is having a hard time of it and try and be supportive.

numptynuts Mon 21-May-18 08:10:50

I feel for you OP, just like I do my husband. She really doesn't mean it, but I understand that when you're on the receiving end that's really hard to keep believing.

Try and get her back to the GP if you can. And keep talking to her. This will pass.

SoapOnARoap Mon 21-May-18 08:11:33

Maybe suggest a conversation around her medication?

HarmlessChap Mon 21-May-18 10:07:16

I have tried to discuss meds but it's not viable to try to hold a conversation until she's back to normal, at which point she simply denies things and says I misinterpreted her.

I do have empathy but it gets chipped away, I was venting, it helps sometimes. Her PMT was always bad but got worse when she was peri-menopausal, this however has reached a new level.

I tried to start 2 normal conversations this morning both were shut down the second very scathingly, she then went to work. On the plus side she's pretty busy this week, I'm out Wednesday night, she's out tonight and Thursday then away from Friday back on Monday evening. So by the time we next have some time together she should be back to normal.

FWIW I have been doing more, but its hard when she comes along and re-does what you've just done. For example normally on a Sundays the roast is a shared effort but I cooked and cleared up afterwards. She then came along and made a song and dance about unloading and re-loading the dish washer as it was wrong, not that it wouldn't wash peoperly, merely that its not how she would have loaded it.

numptynuts Mon 21-May-18 23:10:02

Oh, chap, vent on here if it helps. Because if it helps you it will help her.

I get it, nothing you do is right but her head is a shed during these times. It really isn't something she can control, hard to explain, but those hormones are the work of the devil . I imagine behind the denial she feels dreadful and can't understand it herself.

No matter how hard it gets remember it's the menopause doing this, to you both, not her.

HeddaGarbled Mon 21-May-18 23:28:25

I thought the point of taking HRT was to stop menopause so that she doesn't suffer the menopausal symptoms PP describe above. So she's still menstruating but her PMT related behaviour towards her H and children has ratcheted up to an unacceptable level.

That restacking the dishwasher thing isn't HRT or menopause related by the way. Me and H both do it. Is there a possibility that this is just one of those stages marriages go through where you find your partner really annoying and the HRT is a red herring?

HarmlessChap Mon 21-May-18 23:38:00

Thanks sometimes its good to have an outlet.

I saw her for about 20 minutes this evening, this time her colleagues were the target of her ire; they are all lazy, useless and doing things to annoy her, on purpose.

I suspect she's being as difficult with her workmates as she is with me, I'm going to have to have another try at talking this through or she's going be make herself as popular as a fart in a lift at work.

HeddaGarbled Mon 21-May-18 23:51:13

Another thought is that women are socialised to be people pleasers and suppress their feelings of anger. I have read that as oestrogen depletes during menopause, testosterone becomes more active, resulting in more assertive behaviour.

So, your dishwasher stacking technique and her irritating colleagues may have pissed her off for years but she's bitten her tongue, which is now being unleashed.

This may be bad science, but it is my experience that many post-menopausal women are more assertive than their younger selves.

HarmlessChap Tue 22-May-18 00:19:36

That's interesting, she's never been a shrinking violet, but I can see that assertiveness might be increasing.

SandyY2K Tue 22-May-18 00:20:00

I doubt that she actually gives her colleagues grief though does she?

I certainly wouldn't tolerate it from a colleague, but people snap more at their loved ones.

I avoid people in bad moods personally. Not in.an obvious way...but I just make myself busy and unavailable.

I used to work in market research years ago and spoke to a number of women (who were on HRT) and their husbands/partners. Most of the men said it was a nightmare living with them before the HRT.

I think the fact that you're even posting here shows your concern tbh. I do hate the responses along the lines of "you're awful"... they just present as immature IMO.

Monty27 Tue 22-May-18 02:45:19

OP she needs to revisit the hrt until she gets one that suits her.
DW is probably feeling really miserable.
I take back what I said previously upboard you sound quite caring.

swingofthings Tue 22-May-18 08:43:36

It's so hard to put yourself in someone shoes but imagine your worse night sleep and multiply the effect by 100s such night. Then imagine one of your worse day everyone doing your wrong and annoying you and again multiply by 100. Add a bit of achiness sweating like a pig and well you feel absolutely dreadful.

Her snapping is a combination of hormones she can't control and utter frustration feeling the way she does.

HRT can be horrible because the oestrogen part helps with some symptoms but then you have to take 12 days of progesterone and that turns you in the way your wife is. No alternative but to take it to reduce chance of cancer.

I was on it for 3 months and had to come off it because I couldn't cope with three progesterone. It made me a wired up person and affected my heart.

I used to hear women complaining of the menopause and thought like most they were just bhorrible whingers. Now I get it!I'm the same person I really am but the frustration of how it affects me and there is nothing I can do about it is overwhelming.

My only comfort is that as all wise women have told me it gets better and I will then have a second leaf of life. I'm going still not yet 50 so can't wait until then to make up the time. Hopefully my OH will have bear with me and fall in love again.

numptynuts Tue 22-May-18 19:47:44

At 42 I went onto hormonal contraceptives, met my husband. Progesterone turned me into the worst person I've ever known. I'm off it now but I cannot describe what it did to my head and what a horrible, vile person I became. It's so underestimated and in my opinion, a fact that the medical profession likes to bury under the carpet....

Women suffer and it's not talked about enough.

HarmlessChap Wed 23-May-18 10:48:49

DD is mid GCSEs, so quite stressed already. The way DW spoke to her last night was just awful, I mentioned it was unfair, she was unrepentant saying "she shouldn't keep on annoying me".

Communication is proving neigh on impossible, whatever I say is met with defensiness and deflection, I'm hopeful this will pass soon.

hellsbellsmelons Wed 23-May-18 11:19:14

I'd be recording her to show her when she is 'back to normal'
I have the contraceptive implant which should see me through menopause.
So far no ill effects.
Got my older sister through hers as well.
She needs to see her GP.
Is there any way she could leave the house when she's like this?
A bit of time to herself?
Hotel and pamper?
Just to get her out of your hair and that of your DC?

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