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Unable To Trust Partner

(19 Posts)
hamd01 Mon 21-May-18 00:32:41

I'm posting here for the first time......Im a man....not sure how relevant that is to mention, but thought I should,

I have a real issue with trust with my wife, and Im unsure if I am being unreasonable, or if my wife is being unreasonable. I'm feeling slightly deflated...if not devastated by a lack of trust.....which is why I am seeking impartial advice.

I am a governor at our school. I recently observed some behavior in class which I felt was quite bad.....and was representative of adhd. I mentioned this to my wife in strict confidence....as she knows the mum of the child in question.

I asked my wife to not mention this to anyone...specifically not the parent of the child.

A few days later my wife told me that she had told the parents of the child.....as she thought it was in her best interest. My wife is very good friends with the child's mum.

I feel totally betrayed....as this is the 3rd or 4th time I have asked my wife to keep something private which she has gone on to reveal.

I dont know if I am unfair asking my wife to keep things secret....but on the flip side there are some thing which you feel the need to talk to your partner about....without fearing it is going to leave your own household (I know that sounds selfish).

I recently told my wife about a medical issue which I felt was quite personal, and found she had told a friend.

A while ago I told my wife about a very serious disciplinary issue with a member of staff..I asked her not not to tell anyone else.......and she then told her friend about it (who was also an employee).

I've told my wife other very personal things which she has then told her friends.....who I know.

Am I being unfair to expect if I tell my wife something she she could keep it to herself....? If I raise this topic with my wife she tells me that I am unfair to her for telling her....and that I shouldnt tell her anything which relates to friends.

We live in a small village,,,,,news thavels fast.

Id just be interested to know if I am unfair asking my wife to keep secrets.....is that not the norm in marriage? I want to talk about things....but I want to know that they wont leave our household......it seems such a basic ask.

Amberheartkitty Mon 21-May-18 00:39:42

You should be able to trust your wife.
I’m shocked she is behaving this way. Learn from this. She has proven she cannot be trusted on numerous occasions.

I would not betray my husband this way. If I did he would be furious and rightly so. You need to have a serious talk.

Amberheartkitty Mon 21-May-18 00:40:49

She’s asked you not to tell her. So don’t. Vent to someone else or keep it to yourself.

HarmlessChap Mon 21-May-18 00:43:10

A bit of both.

You should be able to tell your DW things which go no further but you clearly can't so its unfair to tell her things and get up set when she tells others as she's persistently proved that she's totally incapable of not gossiping.

MrsTerryPratchett Mon 21-May-18 04:40:14

You clearly knew this and still told her confidential information about a pupil. One whose DM she is friend with FGS. That`s on you and a serious professional issue.

Your own personal information, of course she should respect your confidences. But she doesn`t so you need to decide what to do about it. My DDad is the same and my DM just never tells him anything important that needs to be a secret.

AgentJohnson Mon 21-May-18 05:17:51

There are two separate issues here; there’s your wife betraying your confidence and you betraying the confidence of others, by insisting on repeatedly betraying their confidence by revealing things to a notorious blabber mouth.

Yes you should be able to trust your wife but as you can’t, the staff, pupils and parents of your school should not be caught in the middle of a power play in your dysfunctional marriage. Stop abusing your position of trust and sort your shit out, before someone rightly reports your arse.

MarieG10 Mon 21-May-18 05:59:24

You shouldn't have told her anyway regarding the information you became privy to as a Governor. But what you have described, how she cannot keep the basic confidence or private information between you; how can you have any trust as a couple? What is your relationship founded on as it sounds like you are just someone else she gossips about.

Sorry if this is harsh but she sounds a nightmare. You need to have a serious conversation about your relationship

Thinkingofausername1 Mon 21-May-18 17:17:38

Gosh. She sounds like a gossip, and using it as an excuse to find something to talk about!

Drifting1908 Mon 21-May-18 17:20:33

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Peakypolly Mon 21-May-18 17:25:48

I would guess DW may have some form of issue where she can't help but blurt out information that she thinks will interest/ is relevant to her companion at the time.
In fairness to her, she has asked you not to confide in her. However I would really struggle to handle some things if I wasn't able to speak in total confidence to my DH. If you can't use your spouse as a safe, sounding board where can you go?

Ariela Mon 21-May-18 17:46:24

I think you have been in error by divulging the details. Fair enough to name no names eg 'a child....' if you feel you must talk about it - but in your position you should not be saying 'child x ...'

Dappledsunlight Mon 21-May-18 17:53:31

I am in a similar situation professionally and sometimes share info with DH but anonymously and omitting details but I trust my DH not to divulge.

I think your wife is not respecting appropriate boundaries. After all, you've made it clear she should keep the info confidential. It sounds as if she can't help herself divulging so you may have to refrain from telling her so much info unless she can respect your wishes.

SandyY2K Mon 21-May-18 18:17:59

Why do you keep telling her things that she can't keep confidential? You could get in trouble for divulging this info to her...particularly the disciplinary issue.

Simply put she can't keep her mouth shut.

I would ne quite angry about her disclosing your medical issue as well. She can't be trusted...so I would not tell her anything remotely confidential.

If I have a health issue is tell a trusted friend. I'm sorry that your wife can't be trusted. Honestly speaking I'd lose faith in my husband if he did that....which could lead to also losing attraction.

Without trust you have nothing.

SandyY2K Mon 21-May-18 18:21:54

@Drifting1908

I suggest you start your own thread...but what your wife is doing will likely lead to something physical.

Will you be okay with that?
If so then it seems you are a cuckold in the making.

Feel free to PM me, as I know quite a lot about it.

FightorFlight2020 Mon 21-May-18 19:22:25

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Bolokov Mon 21-May-18 20:55:52

Your wife shows an infantile lack of discretion. You have also exercised poor judgement in disclosing confidential information about disciplinary proceedings. Your actions would be unprofessional even if your wife had the sense to keep quiet.

category12 Mon 21-May-18 21:02:00

You shouldn't be telling her confidential stuff from school - especially not staff disciplinary matters and theories about a child's diagnosis - confidential doesn't mean you and your wife. She shouldn't be spreading it about.

BlankTimes Mon 21-May-18 21:07:58

You know she can't keep anything to herself.
She is a blabbermouth, she has proved this to you.

But you should never have told her in the first place, none of it was her business.

Do not confide in her again.

Do not ever mention anything to her that you need to keep confidential.

supersop60 Mon 21-May-18 22:42:40

Agree with blankTimes - she can't be trusted with this sort of information, so stop telling her.
This stuff was confidential, so you shouldn't be telling anyone. That's on you.

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