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Relationship advice

(18 Posts)
Candymvw Sun 20-May-18 21:48:44

Hi Everyone

Im new to this and kinda feel like im going crazy and need advice asap.
Im 6 weeks pregnant by my ex. We were together for a few months and i really did love him. We found out I was pregnant and he was excited at first. Then I found out he had been cheating on me with his ex.

I took about a week with no contact and then i finally got back in touch with him. He told me she was no longer in his life. We decided to try and be civil and friends the last week. We even went out with each other a few times. I bought him a gift on Friday from the baby and I for him saying thank you for the support and stepping up to be a dad and partner. Just to show our appreciation.

I caught him this Saturday at her place. his car was outside. She literally moved in a block away from me. I feel like im loosing my mind. I loved him and was loyal and took care of him and got hurt by the man i love the most. I decided to take a picture of his car and send it to him. No fights.. I messaged him and told him that my baby and I deserve better. I always tried involving him in the pregnancy and allowed him to be there. But right now i feel like i need to go thru this alone.

Am i doing the right thing. I cant keep the door open anymore to allow him to hurt us. This has had an effect on the baby and me as my blood pressure is high and all i been is stressed out of my mind.

Any advice will be appreciated.

MyRelationshipIsWeird Sun 20-May-18 22:00:39

So sorry Candy, he sounds like a dick. He has trampled all over you and put you in an awful position. Buying him a gift from the baby and you after he'd cheated on you just put you in a vulnerable position - it should have been him doing everything HE could to make YOU feel loved and special.

You deserve better but TBH being tied to this arsehole for the next 18+ years, even if only as a co-parent, isn't going to be a walk in the park either.

You're going to need some strong boundaries where he's concerned so that you don't slip back into sleeping with him and accepting the crumbs he's throwing you.

TBH he sounds so selfish that I doubt he'll even play a proper part in the life of your DC anyway. Are you set on being a parent with or without him? I don't want to speak out of turn, but it's still early days with your pregnancy and you do have options.

Candymvw Sun 20-May-18 22:40:14

I have given this so much thought and i honestly cant terminate. Im 32 have a good job, my own house and vehicle and I have decided to do this alone if i have to.
Im in a foreign counrty my family are all back home. They supportive of my decision.
I want to be a mom to this baby. I just dont know how to do it moving forward.
Do i tell him whats going on- doctors appointments and such?

He said he wants to be there. But I also dont want to keep my child away from its dad? Is that crazy?
He is 38 and doesnt have a house- still lives with his family and smokes weed and drinks alot- something him and his ex have in common.

Do i tell him about the doctors appointments?

Candymvw Sun 20-May-18 22:43:43

I honestly feel like a complete failure. As a woman- i should try and keep my family together shouldnt I?

But logic tells me that i cant force a man to be someone his not. Accept him for who he has shown me to be and protect my baby?

Am I crazy?? Gosh I feel like im going crazy....

GladysKnight Sun 20-May-18 23:04:09

Your family is you and the babe. You can't be responsible for him being a dad. That is fully up to him, whether he steps up or not. And he can be a dad without being your partner, if he chooses to be a dad. I don't think going out of your way to involve him will make you anything but sad and frustrated. If he wants to be involved, hw=e knows where you are.

But please don't let him back into your heart/bed. That way only misery lies.

GladysKnight Sun 20-May-18 23:09:39

Sorry that was a bit garbled. I meant - you can't decide if your baby has an active dad or not, only your ex can decide that. But it only takes two (you and babe) to be a family. Ex is only part of that family if he chooses to be, and acts on it (not just words, actions). You chasing after him will not make him a dad. Only ex can do that. But if he doesn't, it won't be your responsibility unless you actively try to exclude him for no reason. Which I don't think it sounds like you are planning to do. (You might want to exclude him for a good reason eg drugs of course, but that is different.)

You aren't going mad! It's not an easy situation, obviously, no wonder you are struggling to know what's best. But remember - it's up to him how much of a dad he is, and you aren't responsible if he doesn't be dad.

SandyY2K Sun 20-May-18 23:14:33

You were together for a few months...He's not your family. So I don't think you're failing to keep your family together.

What you've done is create a new life with a man you don't really know.

It wasn't a stable, secure and committed relationship to be bringing a baby into.

Consider yourself as doing this all alone...or at least without him.

Candymvw Sun 20-May-18 23:44:07

I just never want to be the woman that keeps her child away from their dad you know.
Its all just hit me, and hence me feeling panic and overwhelmed at the moment. I just really want to do the right thing. I dont want to make decisions based on my emotions at this moment rather then whats best for the baby.
I have a doctors appointment next week- and he was going to be there. Would you ladies tell him about the appointment or just go it alone?
My minds telling me that I should just go alone. If he cant be honest now he never will be even after i gave him a chance.
I just really needed to try one last time. Hence me getting the gift. I just wanted to show our appreciation and make him feel important as well? (Reading this it makes me sound pathetic)

PrizeOik Sun 20-May-18 23:44:38

Op don't get sucked into the nonsense about how "families have to stay together" or that it's somehow the woman's responsibility to force a man into a family situation "for his own good"/ "for the children's sake".

He's not your family. He's a stranger and not even an honourable one.

Refocus your emotions and efforts on the small life you're carrying into the world. Never think of him again. Don't tell him anything and don't put him on the birth cert - if he wants to be involved, let it be under his own steam.

He's not your responsibility. He's not your family. The bundle of cells in your uterus is.

PringlesPirate Mon 21-May-18 00:04:04

He can be a dad without being a partner. And he can be the father without being a dad.

If he already knows about this appointment and he asks under his own steam to be there, then stand by that. But you know that you’re doing this alone. If he wants to be in your baby’s life (and yours) then HE needs to show that. Not you.

With your family being in a different country, do you have friends or a support system where you are?

Candymvw Mon 21-May-18 00:35:23

Ok... so it will be radio silence from me then..

I have one bestfriend here and thats about it and she really has supported me. When i told him id like to return home to visit my family and just get my mind right he blatantly refused and told me that in no way shape or form was i allowed to travel.
He wont have me travelling after the baby is born either and has taken away my passport to ensure i dont travel.

Whyarealltheusernamestaken Mon 21-May-18 00:45:10

Sorry to say this but you said you’d been together for a few months, and then you are six weeks pregnant. So there is no long term relationship to worry about here. Also you haven’t yet had a 12 week scan to reassure you this pregnancy is viable. You need more facts

Your passport if he holds it you need to report to the police, easily resolved as long as you are not in the country illegally

I really do hope things work out well for you

Candymvw Mon 21-May-18 04:23:41

I just want to say thank you to all. All i wanted was reassurance to know that i was doing the right thing.
I literally feel like i can breath again. I guess all i needed was a push to do what deep in my heart i know i need to do.
I cant describe my state of happiness at this moment. It feels like a state of calm because i feel like for the first time im taking control of my situation.
I never thought that he would do this but then i realize that this is a blessing that i have always wanted. Regardless of how it may seem to the outside world.
My fear was that i was making a mistake. That even though i can see the situation for what it is, i didnt want to admit that he is not the man that i thought.
Im smiling as i type this, because even though i have no idea what the very next step is, i know that it will work out in the end. That im going to have a baby that i have always wanted and be a family of 2.
I was investing so much energy in making him realize what a blessing this is and for what?
He has a whole lot of growing up to do... and i dont even wish him any bad.
I need to stop all contact cut all ties and do me. So thank you all for the advice

Iwasjustabouttosaythat Mon 21-May-18 04:41:08

Er, the first thing you need to do is call the police and report the theft of your passport.

You need to contact your embassy and get a travel document.

Then you need to go home and talk to your parents. Even though you’re 32 you don’t sound very mature.

So you have an ok career but one friend only for support? You can’t raise a baby like that. Who will look after it while you’re working? How will you work with all the sleepless nights? You need to plan to go back to your own country for the birth of your baby, put your name on the birth certificate and decide what to do about the father.

If he uses drugs and drinks too much, if he’s controlling and abusive (he actually confiscated your passport??), then you DO NOT want him around your child.

If you truly think you were in love after a few months with an abusive drunk then please go somewhere people can support you and your baby.

Monty27 Mon 21-May-18 04:47:03

I wouldn't want a drunken weed smoking philanderer in my child's life. Let alone on the same street.
Go figure.

MrsTerryPratchett Mon 21-May-18 04:52:16

Im in a foreign counrty my family are all back home.

When i told him id like to return home to visit my family and just get my mind right he blatantly refused and told me that in no way shape or form was i allowed to travel. He wont have me travelling after the baby is born either and has taken away my passport to ensure i dont travel.

You need to get your passport back. Police and your embassy. You need to check the laws to see what your rights and responsibilities are when you have the baby. Are you in a Hague Convention country, or a country with laws that favours fathers? This is extremely important.

I have a child in another country and checked all of this before I conceived. If I was with an abusive arsehole like the father of your baby, I would have come home or terminated. There is not a hope in hell I would have stayed to be trapped as you will be.

April229 Mon 21-May-18 05:08:55

I think if you go ahead with this you need to be very realistic about what it will mean. This is not a family you are trying to keep together, you accidentally got pregnant to an abusive drug dependent man who has little to no interest in being a parent with you, and in fact may at a later date be someone you need to stop your child seeing if drug problems or abuse escalate.

This will be a very hard thing to do without your family nearby - and I think you need to be realistic about that too while you are considering your options.

If you don’t mind me saying I don’t think the responses here should have told you you are doing the right things there are a lot of people trying to give you very important advice about some problems that might lay ahead for you.

You may find yourself very isolated if things do not work out as you planned but unable to take your child home to be closer to your family.

You should be more focused on having your ex arrested for withholding your passport than thinking of being a family with him. Given you were only together a few months and this is happening it’s a massive red flag for later behaviour. It’s hard to see how you feel this behaviour will not be a serious problem going forward.

MarieG10 Mon 21-May-18 06:07:05

Are you seriously going to allow access to a baby by a drug dependent looser like him? People dependent on weed can be seriously unstable individuals

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