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What would you think of this comment

(70 Posts)
Summerdaysarebest Sun 20-May-18 21:32:22

I split up with my husband 18 months ago and it has been a rollercoaster to say the least. I left him after 14 years together and initially I was convinced it was the right thing to do.

We are in contact and the other day he asked to talk. He was upset and laid all his cards on the table, he wants me back and has realised how being apart has made him realise I’m the one for him etc

It was really heartfelt and I got upset too and said I’d have to go away and think about things. In our time apart, he has dated and slept with a couple of other people although never settled as such. In the last couple of weeks we have been out for a meal and spent a lot of time together. I want to believe the things he says but something doesn’t sit right.

I contacted a friend if his who has been out with him often since we’ve been apart to explain I was confused about trying again and he said “ you are lovely and you deserve better” I didn’t ask him to elaborate because I felt he was sort of warning me off.

What would you make of that comment?

FailingTheBoyfriendExam Sun 20-May-18 21:39:02

Are you sure the friend didn't mean : you can do better - me!

mumsbuns Sun 20-May-18 21:41:29

I'd think either ex-h's friend fancies his chances with you, or that he knows that ex-h has been up to no good, and therefore is undeserving of you.
If you're seriously considering moving forward with your ex, you need to get to the bottom of it, and as a fist port of call I'd be asking for friend to elaborate.
Why did you separate in the first place?

Rudgie47 Sun 20-May-18 21:44:34

I'd take that to mean he never stopped shagging around throughout the marriage.

Wellhellooo Sun 20-May-18 21:44:40

I wouldn’t take a great deal of notice. Why do you need to ask his friend? It sounds like you have doubts however so listen to them.

Summerdaysarebest Sun 20-May-18 21:46:27

It’s not that the friend fancies his chances with me as he is in a relationship. I took it as he knows my ex is probably up to no good.
We split up because he could be very volatile and I just couldn’t live with it. I also felt he may have cheated on boys trips away ( never had proof) but there were many trips. Just a gut feeling really. He seems different now but I’ve come so far on my own and am scared of making a mistake. We also have children and if I went back it would have to be right.

Nellia Sun 20-May-18 21:47:16

He may well have realised that you were the best thing to have happened to him and the experience away from you taught him that.
However that does not mean he is the best thing for you. If he was an arsehole before not likely he wont be one now.

Summerdaysarebest Sun 20-May-18 21:48:32

I asked his friend as they have been together a lot since we split up and he is approachable. I suppose I just wanted a bit of clarity.

Nellia Sun 20-May-18 21:48:54

Also if he was unfaithfull during your marriage doesnt mean that will change either

Theimpossiblegirl Sun 20-May-18 21:50:08

I would ask him to elaborate- how else can you possibly know if it's worth another shot? You need to go into this with your eyes wide open.

Summerdaysarebest Sun 20-May-18 21:52:02

Nellia I know I’ve thought that but I didn’t have proof just a doubt but I suppose that’s telling in itself. I’m caught between thinking leopards never change their spots but also thinking what if he truly has realised and I don’t try again? Feel so confused.

mumsbuns Sun 20-May-18 21:52:59

In that case def get clarification - if what friend says backs up the suspicions you had about his behaviour, I'd really want to see evidence of a massive change in attitude before considering allowing him back into yours and your children's lives...

Summerdaysarebest Sun 20-May-18 21:53:19

I think the friend would clam up if I asked any more. As my ex’s friend his loyalties would lie with him wouldn’t they?

Colabottle10 Sun 20-May-18 21:54:08

No no no. He's playing you.

MsGameandWatching Sun 20-May-18 21:54:45

He's not going to give you details, he's his mate. However he is letting you know that he knows exactly who your husband is and what he gets up to and he wouldn't want to see you back with such a person.

mumsbuns Sun 20-May-18 21:54:51

The statement he's already made (albeit slightly ambiguous) would suggest that his loyalty is not firmly planted in your ex's camp.

winsomebutlosemost Sun 20-May-18 21:56:10

If he made the comment, he owes you a justification for why he said it because it might be on the basis of nothing and he could be screwing up your life over a flippant and meaningless statement! Leopards don't change their spots though, so if he was a cheat or cruel during the marriage then he'd just be the same way again

Summerdaysarebest Sun 20-May-18 21:56:53

Msgameandwatching that’s what I’m inclined to think. The friend has always been a nice person and there’s no benefit for him if we are together or not. I think it was a friendly warning.

Notthatwomanagain Sun 20-May-18 21:57:18

Stay away
You couldn’t trust him, he wasn’t honest with you and was volatile

All more than enormous go not to go back there

Plus he hasn’t exactly been quiet and mending a broken heart has he in the last 18m?

More likely he’s been playing the field and realises it’s nicer to have someone back at home when he wants an evening in

Respect yourself
Stay away from him and heal then look elsewhere

Mxyzptlk Sun 20-May-18 21:57:58

If he does clam up you'll be no worse off than you are now.

If H appeared to be unhappy and missing you, friend would likely have said that, I think.

Nellia Sun 20-May-18 21:59:53

I think the comment isnt important there are two people in your relationship not three. What is important is:

1. Does the reason your relationship ended still exist.
2. Is his behaviour during the seperation something you can live with
3. Are you happier now than before the split
4. Do you want the life you had before the split
5. Is he trustworthy

Rudgie47 Sun 20-May-18 22:01:01

I'd give the mate a bit of flannel, butter him up a bit and then ask him exactly how did he mean, just slip it into conversation.

Summerdaysarebest Sun 20-May-18 22:03:23

Sadly I don’t think I’d trust him. I’m no pushover which is why I walked away but seeing him visibly upset asking to try again got to me. I need to be strong I think and tell myself I deserve better. I feel sad for some aspects of my life with him that’s true but he is hot headed and that won’t change.

MMmomDD Sun 20-May-18 22:05:26

OP - generally Exes are that for a reason.

I am not sure what you can possibly learn from his friend that can help you make any decisions about your future with him.
How he (a single man) behaves when out with his Male friends - isn’t what’s important, you see that, right?

All the reasons why you separated, and how you two feel about each other, and why things would be different now - these are important considerations.
His friend can’t help you there.

bimbobaggins Sun 20-May-18 22:14:23

I would see it as a friend who has seen you go through a difficult break up and an unhappy marriage not wanting you to go back to that. I would say it to a friend. I wouldn’t see any ulterior motive

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