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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

how do realise it's the end?

20 replies

whitewardrobe · 20/05/2018 21:12

i've been with my husband for 15 years, first real relationship and three children. i do love him but i'm really not sure if im just used to him? he helps around the house and is a good dad, but we just don't talk to eachother.
we don't find same things funny, we don't watch tv programes, if i talk about my friends he says he doesn't care as they're all morons if i mention work he tells me to stop because he doesn't want to hear about it, if i mention trivial shit like the royal wedding for example he says it doesn't interest him. i asked him what we could talk about but he just really isn't interested.
i mentioned our finances and wanted to discuss how we could bulk up our savings and what we could etc he just looked at me and said jokingly we'll sell the kids or play the lotto! he was laughing and i just sat there.. he detours every conversation i try to have and even though i love him i just think i want more. i want flowers every now and again, i want him to book a hotel room and take me away for a night, i want some fun and laughter and a friend to talk to not just some random guy in my house that helps clean up. is that normal? he seems to be under the impression that him working, being a good dad and tidying make him some super god but fuck ..theres just no passion? no fun! i keep thinking i don't want to spend my life like this i want so much more!

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Tiptoethroughtheroses · 20/05/2018 21:23

I'm in the same situation, 12 years and two children. We have nothing in common apart from the years we've spent together and the DCs.
He's a very good dad and works hard but I can't imagine being with him for the rest of my life, being told everything I like is shit and the constant little digs. He however thinks life is good and I think he loves me very much which makes it all worse.
Sorry I don't have any advice but you're not alone feeling this way.

Sally2791 · 20/05/2018 21:24

Was he always like this? sounds awful.What's the point of being together if you can't have a sensible conversation? he also sounds plain rude

whitewardrobe · 20/05/2018 21:31

that sounds exactly like us. it's the routine of our life.. he says he's happy with me and our life and we do have a good life when it comes to our lovely kids and money wise, we have holidays and a beautiful home but i'm missing so much in other parts .. i just want someone to talk to. i'm desperate for attention and i openly tell him but it's not changing anything. i honestly don't know what to do ..

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whitewardrobe · 20/05/2018 21:36

Sally, he's changed but not that much, i think i'm the one that is changing more as a person and now that kids are older we actually have time for us and it's shit. before .. i don't know .. we were so busy with pregnancies and babies i guess we didn't really have any real time as a couple so it went unnoticed. i beg him for movie nights he just sits in the kitchen watching crap on his own. we never go out as he says he is again, not interested.

we're both in our 30s as well and i'm starting to resent him for it.

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MrsMozart · 20/05/2018 21:53

Gosh lass. In your thirties and already sounding so done.

Can you get away for the weekend together? Have an 'all the cards on the table' discussion.

2018Anon · 20/05/2018 22:00

As yourself if you fancy still being in this situation in another 10 years, or another 15/20 years? How does that sit with you? Tell your husband that you want to go to couples counselling or you're considering leaving.
You want him to change, so TELL him. Lay it on the line to him and give him the chance to try. If he isn't interested then you need to seriously assess whether you can stay with him.

Thinkingofausername1 · 20/05/2018 22:00

In a similar situation. He has started making nasty comments about something that hasn't ever bothered him before about me, and if we go out for lunch or dinner, he watches what everyone else is doing instead of making conversation.
When I try to talk to him about things, that matter to me he gets angry and behaves like a child and like you, I'm not sure I can live like this another 25 years.

whitewardrobe · 20/05/2018 22:03

we've done it a few times went away but just end up arguing as he never wants to do anything.

he just doesn't speak .. thats the best way to describe it. and he never really laughs like a proper belly laugh, a happy laugh! he is content working and sitting at home in silence.
it's just strange that nothing i say or do interests him.

i often come home from work after being praised by my boss for doing something really well and really want to share it with him but before i do i first have to apologise and say 'sorry i know this is about work but..' he stops me right away and tells me he doesn't care.

am i asking for too much?

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whitewardrobe · 20/05/2018 22:07

i have literally been openly telling him what i want and what i need. everything i have written here i told him.
i told him i want a friend in him as well as a life partner, i want him to get me flowers and surprise me. i want someone to listen to me even if it's silly things about god knows what. his response is always the same.

find someone better then, you can leave now.

and no, i can not imagive living like this in 10,20 years time.

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whitewardrobe · 20/05/2018 22:12

thinkingofusername my husband is the same, he always says 'jokingly' how i've aged a lot since turning 30 and put on weight but thank fuck i'm confident and i am aware of what i look like and tell him not to talk to me like that as we have daughters and a son who needs to learn to respect women. im a size 8 but he says i gained a lot of weight he is 6 years younger than ne but someone aksed him if i was his daughter last year which pissed him off.
he always goes on about how yea im welcome to walk but 'good luck as no one will want you with kids'

it doesnt knock or affect my confidence but it's unnecessary and petty.

it's just the fact that i've never actually been on my own .. i don't even know where to start.

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whitewardrobe · 20/05/2018 22:12

sorry he is 6 years older than me

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Jonbb · 20/05/2018 22:16

i just want someone to talk to. i'm desperate for attention and i openly tell him but it's not changing anything. i honestly don't know what to do

I know that one . . .

MrsMozart · 20/05/2018 22:21

What advice would you give any of your children should they find themselves in the same position?

I know what my response would be, but I'm older than you and with that age has come a certain knowledge that life really is too short.

AnaViaSalamanca · 20/05/2018 22:24

There are two issues, one is lack of the "spark" and the other the resentmnt that seems to be building in him. You can solve the former, but you have to make a call if the latter is just one insensitive comment or more contempt.

What I read from your posts is you telling him what you need, what he should do for you, but what about what he needs. Why don't you just go ahead and book some things, get him presents, plan an evening, or go to counselling even? Why wait until it's too late?

AnnieAnoniMouser · 20/05/2018 22:28

Life is too short.

Line up those ducks.

He’s had his chance to stop being a test and hasn’t taken. You and your kids deserve a better life than this one you’re going mouldy in!

whitewardrobe · 20/05/2018 22:29

mrsMozart i would want more for my children.

ana, i did book us our last break and he hasn't stopped mentioning what a waste of time and money that was. even today he mentioned again and said is this going to an issue for the rest of my life now? i'm sorry i 'made' us go on a four day holiday while my parents looked after our children.

as for everything else, i wouldn't know what he needs as he doesn't say much and we don't have serious conversations, so it's wuite difficult.

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MilkyCoffeeAndSkinnySyrup · 20/05/2018 22:30

He's a dick. The next time he wants to talk about something, tell him you don't care as well!

whitewardrobe · 20/05/2018 22:31

oh milky i really wish he would want to talk about ANYTHING

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Cricrichan · 20/05/2018 22:33

He sounds awful.

I have a lot of problems with my stbxh but we also have little in common. He's a sexist, homophobic bore though. I spent some time recently with an ex and it really brought home what being with someone where the conversation flowed and you had the same values is like. I'd rather be alone than have to put up with someone I can't talk to.

MrsMozart · 20/05/2018 22:56

I think you've answered your own question lass.

Now it's a case of as PP said 'ducks in a row'.

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