Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Starting over?(16 Posts)
Looking for some opinions..
I’m a single mum to a 7 month old and I’m short I feel like I’m in a rut right now.
I’m in my early 20’s and have had an abusive relationship (father of my daughter, he has no contact) and since then I have had a relationship with an old fling but he is an addict and there has been a lot of issues because of this (we’ve recently broke up).
I’m currently on maternity leave from a job in retail which I hated so am not going back. My other options are:
Going to university (I have been offered a place at durham). The downfall to this is that I will have to move 6 hours away from my home town. I also worry that as a single parent I will have to live outside of uni accom and therefore might struggle to make friends. Putting my DD in nursury at the age of 1 also makes me worry.
Or, I could stay put where I am and look for another flat ( I hate where I am not, the neighbours and landlady are awful and the flat has a lot of problems). I may struggle doing this as even with a job I will be partly reliant on benefits which a lot of landlords don’t accept. I will also probably end up in a dead end job like before.
Or, I could move to my mums and get a job where she lives (a couple hours away). This would probably give me the same issue of getting a dead end job and I would also have to make new friends.
I feel as though I am very alone at the moment. I have very unsupportive parents and have very much been left to it from a young age, so moving to my mums concerns me a bit because of this. My father is an addict and lives close to me but I very rarely see him. I am also struggling to get over my ex who lives in this area.
I have always wanted to be successful and want the best for my daughter but all these options make me worried as I don’t want to do something I regret. I feel uneasy moving in with my mother as I feel I always have to be careful of what I do and say otherwise I get thrown out. But moving 6 hours away to no one I know is very daunting.
I’m sick of being unhappy and stuck in a rut of bad relationships with family and past ex’s. I just want to get out of this situation. What would you do in my situation/ advise?
Sorry for the long post!!
I would play the long game and go to Uni. If you weigh up all your options such as unsupportive parents, ex you need to get over, don't want to be stuck in retail, want a good life for your daughter then your best option is Durham.
My DD went to a childminders at 9 months (albeit a member of my family but still paid childcare) and she was absolutely fine, when I went to pick her up on Friday afternoon she screamed blue murder she was enjoying her little self that much. She is 15 months now and I don't regret it for a second.
You will make friends at Uni and your accommodation can be sorted. Speak to a Uni advisor.
Good Luck whichever option you choose
This is one of those moments where you have an opportunity and need to grab it with both hands. Go to Uni, honestly. You're young, in 6 years time or less you will have a degree, good earning potential and will be able to give your daughter the life you want to.
You can do it
Go to uni. In fact, PLEASE go to uni. This is your chance of a new life for you and your baby. Don't risk allowing history to repeat itself, your baby deserves more.
P.s. please go to uni 👩🏼🎓
I happened to live in Durham with a baby and a toddler and an abusive relationship. I had just finished an Open University degree and did a masters there. Don't know what it is like now, but there was a fantastic university crèche then. Apart from the fact that I had the best time of my life, it was a bit of a long game, but it had a huge impact on my earning potential. Go for it.
Btw - you are clearly very bright, and a whole lot more. Congratulations for the offer. If it works as well for you it will be life changing in all sorts of ways.
Go to uni. Do something with your life.
Best thing you can do for your daughter, really.
Congratulations on the university place! Yeah, do uni. It will be hard in the short-medium-term, but it will make all the difference in the longer term. Durham's quite a compact place, so hopefully making friends won't be so hard if you can find groups for mums there. Good luck.
I say go for the uni option. You'll make loads of new friends and it will lead to more job prospects too. I know it's hard as I went to uni at age 22 and I had a 2 year old as a single parent but it was honestly the best thing I ever done. I'm now earning triple any salary I had before and don't rely on any benefits. My daughter went to nursery from a young age and she loved it. Made friends and did lots of activities. If your parents aren't supportive then it's no use moving by them really just to go in to another job you hate.
My advice would be go to Uni. I think you'll really regret it in the future if you don't. It'll be a different experience to going at 18 and living in halls, but I bet you'll still settle down in no time and make loads of friends. Durham is a fab place to live too. Go for it!
Thank you so much for your kind words and advice I really appreciate it. I am a worrier and hate it but I guess I just don’t want to regret it. I do agree though that it is probably the best option I just do worry about moving so far away and making friends.
I work at a university, and I have to say that some of our best students are parents, often single. They have a strong focus, often wanting to make a better life for their children. Us lecturers are very sympathetic towards their schedules and family commitments, and universities often have great advice/ support systems for single parents. You won't be alone, you'll be a part of a new community- once you have a place you also become their responsibility as a student. Plus, early 20's is a great age to go to university and do well. Good luck.
Go to Uni, no question. Yes you will be nervous and worried about it but actually going to Uni is a perfect way to make friends. Not only that, having a child is a great way of making friends too - go to every toddler/play group you can find.
Go to uni. If you dont you will regret it in the long term.
So many jobs these days expect people to have higher level qualifications that didnt in years gone by.
By not going you will cut of your earning potential.
All students worry about making friends. You and your classmates will all be in the same boat and eager to find someone to talk to.
As a mum you will have the added option of mother and baby groups etc in the area.
Expand your horizons see where your potential can take you. Fearing it is normal its like growing pains for the mind.
Definitely go to uni, if you've got in to Durham you're clearly bright so don't waste the opportunity. It must be daunting starting again but from what you've said you've little to lose in terms of family support. As for putting your DD in childcare my eldest went to nursery at 10 months and is flourishing, my youngest will also be starting at 10 months.
Hi OP just another one saying Uni. I know it's hard and it's scary but this is a life changing moment - you will have so many more options after Uni and it will be a great chance to make a fresh start. The men in your life so far sound like they've been holding you back and dragging you down - putting distance ( both physically and emotionally) between them and you will help you heal. Picture the future you want and make a list of all the things that going down this route will give you so that on the days when it feels so hard and you're just trudging along and everything feels bleak and you really doubt your choice - you have something to remind you and cheer you on. Good luck OP xx
Definitely uni, there’ll be a uni crèche which means you’ll meet other mums, too. My oldest went to nursery at 10 months, she needed to socialise with other children and thrived! I was lucky that she didn’t need to go 8-6 from the beginning like some children (I think she’d have been exhausted as she never slept while there), 9-5 was enough for her. Good luck, do this for yourself; reach out to the uni and take all the help you can get!
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now »
Already registered? Log in with:
Please login first.