Help! Need advice ideas suggestions...

[Cassoulet]

I have a son who is sitting A levels. He is finding life really hard atm, generally. He has an abusive ex, who put him through a lot once they broke up (still on-going, police are involved), and some fairly shocking unexpected bereavements. I am so proud of him for getting as far as he has, frankly.

The problem is that my sister is an alcoholic. She lives with us; there is a self-contained flat at the top of the house where she lives. She seems to be sober during the day, but she drinks a bottle of beer with dinner and then goes upstairs and spends the rest of the evening drinking. She falls asleep in her chair and wakes in the small hours very noisily, she crashes about making a huge amount of noise, swearing drunkenly and loudly, knocks into things and so on.

DS is on the list to see a consultant about CFS/ME; as far as I can tell, he has all the symptoms. Broken nights make his physical condition worse a hundredfold.

I have spoken to my sister about her drinking, her noise, her horrid overbearing behaviour when she's drunk. She seems to respond for a day or two, but then she's back to noise and disruption.

Things have come to a head. DS is badly stressed over this possible ME, he is stressed about exams, he is stressed about my sister and the broken nights and the uncertainty of whether she will behave nicely or nastily.

Dh, ds and I had a kind of pow wow this afternoon, as ds had so little sleep last night and is in such a shit condition today, feeling so ill that he actually broke down in tears. From his pov, he needs us to tell my sister to go, at keast while the exams are on - that's for about a month, until mid-June.

Tbh, dh and I are fed up with dsis too. We don't know why she's still living with us, when she could so easily have bought herself a place (due to inheritance). We all assumed her living here would be temporary but it's been a few years now.

Anyway, due to this pow wow this afternoon, dh and I have decided that we have to tell sis to go. Unfortunately, I know she's run through all her money, or almost all. She's got nowhere to go. I don't know how to tell her.

How do you kick a close relative out of the only home they have? A relative who has and is always generous. A relative who, when sober, tries to be helpful and kind.

I love my sister. She has been such a great sister in the past, I adored her and almost worshipped the ground beneath her feet when we were kids. She has become awful and it breaks my heart. I have tried to talk to her about all the issues before, but it all stems from booze, and on that subject she just says she doesn't drink anything like as much as she used to. It's still too much.

And my dh and ds have had enough - and so have I, bitch cow that I am. I can't think of an alternative to telling her to go, and go soon, in, like, days. I am trying to keep ds at the forefront of my mind, but I still don't think I can do it.

Any help appreciated. Any ideas for alternative courses of action, which will keep her out of ds' hair so he can just settle down, revise, and feel confident that if he goes to bed early the night before an exam he is going to be able to sleep through without being woken by drunken swearing and crashing.

[AjasLipstick]

You should tell her when she's sober that you're going to help her get back on her own two feet.

She won't take it well of course and it will mean more upset and disruption.

If you make her leave, then social housing will hopefully give her emergency accomodation which will likely be a bedsit or hostel.

She probably won't get a flat but she might...there's always a slim chance.

In the first instance, call your local council housing department and tell them that your sister is living with you but is unwelcome and you are giving two weeks notice.

See what they advise. Then call SHELTER....ask them for the best course of action.

[Cassoulet]

tell her when she's sober, yes, I never speak to her about serious stuff when she's been drinking, it's pointless as (she says) she do3sn't remember come the morning and she also gets aggressive when pissed. So yes, talk when sober.

It's good to know that the Council could help, that emergency housing exists. Thanks.

Part of the sticking point for me though, is that exams have just started and ds needs her gone tomorrow preferably(!), even if that's only for 3 weeks. He needs her to be gone while the exams are on.

And I am dithering. When I think of ds there's no question in my mind, but when I think of dsis I remember all that history when she had my back when she was my rock, and so many years of mutual kindnesses, of sharing, of loyalty and those bonds will not just wither and die.

[NotTheFordType]

Why are you prioritising your sister, who has a choice over whether she drinks, over your son, who does not?

[Cassoulet]

Yes, I am telling myself that. I still feel a heel, and I also keep thinking that there must be another way......

Can anyone think of another way?

[shoesplease]

Could you rent her some place else and then she can pay for it when she gets on her feet
Does she work?

[Mycheckshirt]

Does she have friends or other family members she could stay with while the exams are happening? It isn't a long term solution obviously but it would give you the breathing space you need right now. Or might it help for she and DS to swap for a while? Would the crashing about be less disruptive for him if he was in the top floor flat and she was downstairs?

I realise her drinking needs to be addressed long term but just trying to think of ways to improve things for DS immediately. I also wonder whether knowing you've had to ask her to stay with friends/switch rooms might help it begin to dawn on her how badly her drinking affects her behaviour.

[Percymademedoit]

Can you afford to pay for a deposit and first months rent for her on a flat? If she isn’t working then she will get housing benefit which would then kick in, but she may need help getting sorted. You are in a horrible situation, but your child must come first and you are doing the right thing.

[AjasLipstick]

You can't have her gone tomorrow OP unless you're prepared to pay to put her in a B&B or something.

That's the real issue. You want her gone NOW but that's not going to happen unless you kick her out onto the streets by the sound of it....I mean, if you really wanted her gone tomorrow, you'd pay or just boot.

[Sally2791]

If you can afford it pay for temporary accommodation for her as she needs to be gone now this will give breathing space for all

[Cassoulet]

Thank you everyone. We can't afford to pay for her to stay elsewhere, let alone put a deposit down on a flat or somewhere. She was very surprised to find she was noisy at night, and we have had a good productive chat about it, with not much animosity in evidence, though I imagine she is rather hurt, or maybe she's upset that her behaviour is having such an impact. Still, it was friendly enough.

We think there is a way of reworking the rooms a bit, which won't i,pact on ds, but which should make things dsis does less of a problem.

Thanks all. I was feeling like I'd hit an impossible obstruction, and you have all helped me stay calm and positive about it.

[Hidingtonothing]

Glad you've made some progress OP, hope the rejigging does the trick and your DS can focus on his exams. Maybe this will be the catalyst for Dsis starting to realise she needs to do something about her drinking, hope so

[StripeyDeckchair]

You need to step up and stand up for your son and his dad, your partner, needs to be alongside you, literally, when you talk to your sister.

Give her one months notice, in writing.
Be clear why she has to leave and the impact she is having on your family.

You say she's been living with you for years - why?

[Cassoulet]

Hiding, yes, I'm hoping she will think about her drinking now. We do have more comversations about it in store, but the subject has now been opened a chink so we can go on more easily now.

Stripey, as you will see from my posts, we have moved on somewhat, and no I won't be giving her notice just like that. Frankly, I think chucking her out willy nilly like that would cause more upset overall than anything, and a months' notice would be exactly how long it is until the exams finish, so wouldn't actually help at allin any way.

We'll see how this works over the next couple of nights, and if it doesn't, we'll look at the other options. For all I know right now, dsis has an idea for a more permanent solution. You never know, she might look up AA in our town - very active with meetings easily accessible and with choices of times.

No, she doesn't work. Was made redundant, and came here rather than continue paying ludicrous amount of rent for her central London flat. It seemed sensible at the time. We all thought she'd find a new job easily (highly qualified, long and good experience in her field). I think, with hindsight, she probably needed to stay in London to keep up with the networking etc. I've suggested retraining once or twice but she's unwilling.

[Cricrichan]

Maybe record her when she's drunk so she can see herself when she's sober?

Get her 'the unexpected joy of being sober' by Catherine Gray. It's an amazing book and because of it, I've gone from everyday drinking to once a week.