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Boyfriend wanting space - feeling crap.

(38 Posts)
Percymademedoit Sat 19-May-18 19:11:27

My boyfriend of nearly a year (friend of much longer) is going through a divorce and is struggling at the moment with the loss of his past life and not living with the kids. He’s asked for some space as he was getting increasingly down and feels he needs to get his head together.

I understand his need for this space, I get it, but I am so bloody hurt and I don’t know how to come back from it? He is very much seeing us as still together (he took my car to the garage for me on Friday and we have 2 events next week he’s still expecting us to goto, still talking about a holiday we are booking etc)

I know it’s not been a super long relationship, but for various reasons it’s been intense from the beginning (probably partly why he needs space?) and I am struggling. I feel let down by him shutting me out, which is probably really unfair, but I don’t know how to not feel that way if that makes sense.

Help me not text him and get my arse through this period please, I feel crap sad

Percymademedoit Sat 19-May-18 19:35:58

Okay, so a pathetic bump. Any film recommendations that will distract me instead? I just want to text him, and I know that isn’t going to help right now.

SenoritaViva Sat 19-May-18 19:38:49

What sort of films cheer you up? When I'm feeling low I love to watch really low brow films like 'what happens in Vegas', 'Just like Heaven', I'll think of some more...

SenoritaViva Sat 19-May-18 19:39:10

Can you binge watch a TV series?

Anothernewnn Sat 19-May-18 19:39:57

If this relationship is to survive, it’s vital that you give him space. Be there for him but live your own life at the same time. Don’t invest all of your energies into him, you need to love and value your own life first and foremost. flowers

Percymademedoit Sat 19-May-18 19:41:01

Just looking up those now, have the trailer for crazy stupid love up, but not sure it’s a bad choice all things considered. I’d like to watch the next bit of peaky blinders but that would feel like cheating on bf 😫

Percymademedoit Sat 19-May-18 19:43:03

Thanks another. I do know that, I’m just finding it really hard putting into practice. I’ve snapped at DS all day, I can’t concentrate on anything else. I’m being crap!

KitanaKay Sat 19-May-18 19:45:04

I say binge watch something exciting but not romantic eg designated survivor (Netflix).

Sorry this is happening. There is nothing nore excruciating than being kept hanging on by a thread. I hope it ends well for you but I would caution against waiting round for him flowers

Anothernewnn Sat 19-May-18 19:46:43

You’re not being crap, you are feeling rejected because the timing of you getting together hasn’t been ideal.

I would take quite a big step back, not completely separate, but, take back your own space and then you can decide whether you still want to carry on with this relationship.

Anothernewnn Sat 19-May-18 19:47:43

Oh, and big pretty lies is awesome!

Spartacunt Sat 19-May-18 19:50:00

Binge watch This Is Us - on Netflix - it's so engrossing and just what you need. DONT TEXT!

RainySeptember Sat 19-May-18 19:50:09

I think divorce can be absolutely brutal. I remember just feeling absolutely drained and exhausted, and I know I shut everybody out to lick my wounds. He may be having second thoughts as I'm sure you fear, or he may just not have the energy for anything other than dragging himself through each day. I think you do need to leave the ball in his court and try to get on with your life, it will be his loss if you're no longer available if/when he comes crawling back. And definitely watch Peaky Blinders without him, serves him right!

category12 Sat 19-May-18 19:53:46

The Good Place or iZombie on Netflix?

pisces7268 Sat 19-May-18 19:55:48

Hi, from my experience its always better to give space when asked, otherwise he will feel pressured and back off even more.

I would recommend 'how to get away with murder', its so addictive you'll get into it and not should take your mind off things, and there are a good few seasons to watch!

Percymademedoit Sat 19-May-18 20:04:45

I have just put on this is us - I had forgotten I had started watching it and had enjoyed it.

As an update though, bf has just texted and said he has missed me but he’s had a lovely weekend with the kids. I feel sort of hollow. I cried when his message popped up. Wtf is going on with me? I don’t know how to act around him. I was pissed off he said he had had a lovely time when I’ve been a mess, and I don’t want to feel that way as I’m actually genuinely pleased he’s had a nice time, well, sort of - as that clearly wasn’t my first reaction.

Amyerda Sat 19-May-18 20:08:36

I went through this with my DP. I gave him space, had my own friendships, interests etc, he went away to work and all ended well. We have been living together for four years now. It's nothing personal to you, he just needs time to process change.

Percymademedoit Sat 19-May-18 20:08:55

Sorry, I meant to say - I’ve made a note of all the other tv programmes. I need a giant list to get me through this weekend.

Thank you everyone for replying. I’m feeling a bit of a mess!

RainySeptember Sat 19-May-18 20:44:10

I think I'd ignore his text. He can't ask for space and then expect to message you as normal, just making sure you're still hanging on his every word until he's ready to pick you up again. He must be very insensitive to not realise that this has knocked you for six. Maybe he needs to feel the loss of you a little bit.

ByeMF Sat 19-May-18 20:45:09

Why are you upset about him enjoying seeing his kids? If he's a decent person his children will always come first. And you say he is only just going through a divorce. Was your relationship going on while he was still with his wife? If so, maybe ask her what she binge watched to get over the heart break.

Percymademedoit Sat 19-May-18 20:48:20

Whoa! BYE he’d been separated nearly a year before we got together and she left him for another man. That’s a lot of assumptions you put in your post there - talk about kicking someone who is clearly already having a rough evening. Thanks for that confused

Rainy I agree, I think he’s just expecting me to be there, and I’m torn - I want to just be there, I think he’s being genuine in needing the space. I’m just hurt and I want him to miss me and realise that it’s affected me too.

CoupleOfPushBacks Sat 19-May-18 20:51:22

Bye, I think it's time to take those judgy pants off & bin them.

Op is not pissed he's seen his kids or had a good time. She's pissed he's the reason she's feeling like crap & he's been out enjoying his day!

It's absolutely nothing to do with the kids.

Also I'm pretty sure op knows his kids come first seeing as she has a DS of her own.

MyKingdomForBrie Sat 19-May-18 20:53:55

He probably feels desperately guilty for his family breaking up even though it sounds like it wasn’t his fault at all, and not having residence of your kids must be just awful, I couldn’t cope with my baby growing up away from me.

Having time to totally focus on them and process the fact that they’re no longer a family is a really sensible and mature thing to do in my opinion.

Very difficult for you of course! You’re doing the right thing giving him space, try not to let your anger develop as this will only ever be destructive.

Percymademedoit Sat 19-May-18 20:54:50

Thanks Couple I miss his kids too to be honest, which probably isn’t helping either!

Percymademedoit Sat 19-May-18 20:58:17

Mykingdom that’s exactly it. He still picks up and drops off his kids at school every day, he has them one night every weekend and half the holidays, but they are very close and he misses them and is mourning that. I know he’s being sensible, you guys have actually made me realise it’s not personal but I’ve been kind of taking it that way. It’s just not always easy being the grown up and rising above knee jerk emotional responses. Gah. I might get myself a glass of wine! I can’t wait for this weekend to be over!

Havana7 Sat 19-May-18 21:04:15

The best advise I can give having been there is to not sit in all weekend allowing yourself to get upset. Plan something nice to do tomorrow with your son and try to enjoy it. Time goes much quicker when your busy and it will be More attractive to him that your getting on with things

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