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Anyone one ever recover from an affair

(140 Posts)
heartbrokenhettie Tue 08-May-18 22:34:57

So just that really. Found out this evening my partner of 8 years has slept with a work colleague on several occasions.

It's still a shock and I'm totally numb, I'm unsure if to cut my losses and leave or work to repair our broken relationship ?

Does it ever work once a partner has cheated? Can any positives be gained ?

My head is spinning

BettyBo33 Tue 08-May-18 23:49:11

I was you 18 months ago. I chose to stay. What I didn’t realise then was that even if I could move past the infidelity, which I have, it changed everything forever and I no longer feel the way about H that I used too. Everything I compromised on as part of our marriage eg he smokes, I hate it..I now have zero tolerance for. The positives are that I’m stronger, I know what I want from life and I will never ignore my gut feeling again. I’m here for now but only for the children. I’m so sorry you are here. It’s so painful to experience.

0ccamsRazor Wed 09-May-18 00:20:15

Op you might find it helpful to have some space away from your partner in order to process your thoughts and feelings. This is a big thing, your entire life has been turned upside down.

You will have lots of help from mners who have been where you are today. But one thing I would suggest is that you are screened for stds and maybe ask your gp for a counselling referral for yourself. You will need support in deciding how to move forward.

I am so sorry that you are going through this flowers

heartbrokenhettie Wed 09-May-18 00:33:17

I feel like my heart has been ripped out. I keep hoping I wake up and it's all been a bad dream!
I never thought he was the type... but I suppose a lot of women think that. The part I'm struggling with is that they will have to continue working for the same company!

C2205 Wed 09-May-18 00:35:59

My husband had an affair with my next door neighbor and so called friend almost 20 years ago now!
I don't really know how we got through it - very up and down, split for a short while but ultimately gave it a go and somehow we're still together and celebrating our 25th wedding anniversary this year.
I've never forgiven him - I simply can't and I still shed a few tears sometimes if i sit and think about how utterly awful it was...but I learnt to live with it.
I feel for you because I'll never forget the utter desolation I felt. I simply never ever thought he could do it to me!
We don't have a perfect marriage, but we've grown up together and he's my best friend.
If you can talk and find a way through then I'm living proof it can work out in the end. It depends on what you want. Take time and don't make any hasty decisions....
If you decide to stay together it won't be easy and it will take alot of time x
Good luck and look after yourself and focus on what you want - not what everyone thinks you should do xx

NC321 Wed 09-May-18 00:37:40

I've name changed, as I don't want to be linked to this post.
I'm the same as Betty, except 3 years on now.
We worked through this. My DH is really truly sorry. I know, I know, except he really is. He's worked so bloody hard to make amends and we have, on paper, the ideal relationship.
I don't feel the same way as I did though. I've tried to, I actually really want to. I just dont. It's not coming back either. I adored him before. It's just gone sad

I'm sorry this has happened to you flowers

40isnew50 Wed 09-May-18 00:42:41

My DH had an 'online' affair with a girl less than half his age 6 months ago. Although not the same thing I think it would have been easier if he had slept with her. It is the intimacy they shared I can't get over. He spoke of me and our kids and they had 'sex' over Skype....

I am still here but like a PP said it is just for the kids. I love him but all respect and trust I had is gone. Our marriage died the day he decided to share himself with someone else. I am staying for the kids. Just don't know long I will manage it. I will never forgive him.

I am sorry you are going through this. Desolation is the right word. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

heartbrokenhettie Wed 09-May-18 00:47:05

Thanks for all the lovely advice. I just can't see how we will get past it. I've wasted such a lot of time. Even if I learn to forgive how do you get to the stage of sleeping together, knowing he has slept with someone else ?

NC321 Wed 09-May-18 00:48:48

I still have problems with that part of it OP, and as I said, we're 3 years on.

StarlightSparkle Wed 09-May-18 05:11:27

I’m sorry this has happened to you. It’s the most painful thing.

Do you have children? If you don’t then personally I would cut my losses and leave. Most of us who stayed did it for the kids and without that incentive it wouldn’t be worth all the pain and hard work.

Adora10 Wed 09-May-18 13:30:38

So he's been having an affair for some time, he needs to go OP, if he truly loves you and wants forgiveness he can do that outwith your home; you need for him to leave you in peace now and also for him to have a consequence, so many women on here collude with the cheat and sweep it under carpet, say nothing to protect his image and then feel they have to work on things; no, no, no, tell him to FO seriously, this is not a mistake, an error, it's planned deceit for a certain amount of time involving feelings, not just sex.

BettyBo33 Wed 09-May-18 13:30:40

Yes if it wasn’t for the kids I would have gone by now.

NC321 I’m exactly the same. I want to feel like I did before for him but it’s too late.

NewYear2019 Wed 09-May-18 13:43:44

No. In my experience you never forget it or really move on. It's a personal decision, but with limited time on this planet I don't want to spend time in a destroyed relationship.

heartbrokenhettie Wed 09-May-18 14:00:59

Thanks everyone. He has moved out to give me some thinking space.

I just can't imagine starting again but I think you are all right. I will never forget and will never feel the same again.

I can't get over how his actions have destroyed my life.

Adora10 Wed 09-May-18 14:17:53

OP, give it time, it's all very raw, if he puts the leg work in you never know but it's going to be a long process.

Headupshouldersback Wed 09-May-18 14:54:39

I can identify with Betty and nc321.
I’m 2 years on but my dh had a 6 month EA with a significant ex and I’m so hurt by it that I’m not sure the pain will ever go away.
Our day to day life is fine but the pain and emotional distress it still causes me on a daily basis is quite debilitating.
I’m very good at burying it but every now and then I just sob my heart out and feel sad for the situation we’re now in.
It’s just spoilt everything.
If we hadn’t had children I would definitely have moved on.
My mother stayed in her marriage despite my dad having an affair early on and she never got over it (even 30 yrs later until she died) I promised myself that I would never be in her situation but here I am.

fortygin Wed 09-May-18 16:00:36

I stayed six years and I suffered a lot of mental health issues inc ptsd from exh affair.
He did it again and I asked him to leave.
I wish I had done that 6 years earlier and when my dc were six years younger.
That's only my experience and I hope that he realises what he has done and you can be happy together but be wary and take care of you first and foremost. thanks

yetmorecrap Wed 09-May-18 19:44:32

Betty and NC321, I feel the same. In my case pretty sure it was emotional only and mainly on his side , but it’s reading his feelings about someone else(very young person too) (and I found out a long time after the couple of years period it happened) that has made it hard. To be honest my head says to make it work but my heart won’t catch up. I just can’t feel 100% the same about us, I genuinely thought we were invincible and he was totally immune to such stuff. In my case it’s not staying for the children as no longer at home, it is partly for practical reasons /business etc and partly because although I don’t feel the same, I do genuinely still care . I do know he is very very sorry , but as they say you can’t unring a rung bell and it wasn’t a one off poem/song, it was a bloody pile of them

anonanonanonanonanon Wed 09-May-18 20:06:08

Right, I'm 5 years on now and have a slightly different take on it.

I'm glad I stayed.
For background DH had a 6 month affair with one of the mums from school ( who happened to be DS;s keyworker) whilst I was pregnant with our youngest. I was completely blindsighted. He was "not that sort of man" and I really thought we were ok.

He was genuinely remorseful. ... and long story short we broke up for a while but after about 2 months he moved back in. He went to therapy, had a period on antidepressants. He also changed his job completely and has become a nicer person to be around The first 2 years were properly hard. Really grim at times. I've concentrated on my career and my generally emotional and physical wellbeing ( lost some weight/ got new hobbies/ spend time and money on myself) and just kept plodding on

Now we're 5 years on and I'm glad I stuck with it. He still is my favourite person to hang out with. Financially and practically the children are better off with us being together. I trust him as much as I ever will anyone else.

Of course I would rather it didn't happen ( and I think he would too). But , do you know what, I survived it. I'm still standing and it made me re-evaluate everything and our marriage is actually better for it- ( cliché I know)

The hardest part was managing other peoples expectations of how I should be feeling or acting ( I was a massive exponent of LTB prior toit happening to me).
Take care

anonanonanonanonanon Wed 09-May-18 20:15:14

forgot to say for now just be kind to yourself. try and eat, wash, sleep and exercise if you can. Regardless of what you decide it will get better.

GertieMotherwell Wed 09-May-18 20:29:53

It’s awful heartbrokenhettie 💐

I stayed/
Our relationship will never be the same but a relationship with anyone would never be the same again after this, because I have changed.
It happened, I was devastated and in many ways I still am. But I would be devastated without him too. We can’t change what happened.

yetmorecrap Wed 09-May-18 20:46:35

And Gertie as the counsellor said to me, ‘leaving doesn’t necessarily take that pain away , it goes with you ‘ I bore that in mind too.

GertieMotherwell Wed 09-May-18 21:07:17

Absolutely ymc!

The hurt doesn’t go just because you leave.
Strangely, I’m not sure I would have got through this without the support of my DH.

flowerpot1000000 Wed 09-May-18 21:34:58

Yes I stayed. I was devaststed in total shock. DS was about to start secondary school in a week after I found out...I couldnt put him through us breaking up. I was a wreck. I was numb it was all a blur DS started school hated it weeks if tears...this took over from what DH had done then my best friend died suddenly and again this took over from what DH had done. The year following was a blur. Today we plod along....Im a very different person I hate what he did we are not the same...it's sad as he's killed what we had.

heartbrokenhettie Wed 09-May-18 21:48:12

You are all saying what I'm saying to myself!

I think I'm most angry at him for forever changing me, I'll never be the same and I had no control over that.

I do have moments of thinking along the lines of @anonanonanonanonanon hoping I can turn it on it's head and we grow and make positive changes. But it is a massive risk to take.

I have also had very strong opinions on infidelity, I had to watch my mum break into pieces when my dad left her for another woman. I was only 5 years old and can still feel the pain and sadness watching her world turn upside down. It has haunted me and here I am. He knows all this too, which makes it a bigger betrayal.

I'm 37 and we was meant to start ivf next spring, I feel the chance I had of being a mum has well and truly passed me by now!

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