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Can’t pour from an empty cup anymore..

(28 Posts)
Rubyritz Fri 27-Apr-18 09:48:20

I need to vent. I feel so fed up with my relationship. Maybe I need to be shaken but...

We’ve been together 9years and have 1DC.
I just feel like the whole time I have had to make majority of decisions and everything is left to me or expected that I will take care of it and I just am sick of it.

I just feel like he assumes I will do it or take care of it so he doesn’t bother. For example
I booked us a family holiday abroad and paid for it all with no contribution. He hasn’t offered to pay and I know money is tight but he doesn’t even try to save abit of money towards it.

I always look for things to do as a family otherwise we would just stay at home. I have to write a list of diy jobs that need doing round the house that I can’t do... yet he will take 3 months to do one job and I have to ask a thousand times.

He never really wants to do much with DS. He has to be prompted to take him out, play with him, buy him things ect.

He constantly moans to DS to tidy his room and wants all th toys downstairs away and not on show. I remind him it’s not a showhome. DS hates to play with toys and I believe it’s because DP moans at him for making a mess.

I’ve always been good with money. We bought our house but I paid a massive big contribution to it and he moaned when I wanted unequal assetts. He only saved a small bit of money even though he earned a lot more than me.

I gave him money towards buying a car, I buy him clothes because his has holes in or don’t fit, I contribute towards all of DS clubs and activities. Now I know I don’t have to buy clothes or things for him but then he would literally walk around with holes in his socks and the same scraggy boxers that’s hes owned for god knows how many years.

I just feel like I do all Of this but will never get it back or even a gesture. Its not even the money that matters it’s the emotional side of things that I would be happy with.

I was poorly in hospital a month ago and it was a very scary situation yet he didn’t even tell me that he loved me or was worried about loosing me. He didn’t even hold
My hand or touch me confused
He had a right moan at me when I was discharged from hospital because he almost tipped me out the wheelchair (on accident) and because I had ago at him about being careful he didn’t like that and said that I expect to much because he’s come to help me and I should be grateful.

I just feel like I can’t pour from an empty cup anymore. It feels to me he just takes and takes and takes and gives very little in return. sad

I don’t even no where I’m going with this but I just had to write it down for someone to see

IndieTara Fri 27-Apr-18 09:54:28

Sorry to hear you're so unhappy Op.
I agree re the empty cup but also think you've probably enabled him to carry on being this way.

Do you want out or are things salvageable if he decides he can turn himself around?

Rubyritz Fri 27-Apr-18 10:04:17

Yes I often think that too. We’ve been together since we were young so naturally I’m always that type of person to jump and say do you need help? I can do this? And I don’t like to see people struggle because I had to so much I try and help out where I can which is fine but I don’t ever feel like he’s grateful. His ex used to take money out of his pocket literally! And I have never ever done that I’m very self sufficient.

But then a little part of my brain says, well would you do that for me? hmm
Would he ever book me a suprise holiday or a romantic getaway- I don’t think
He would and never has done and we’ve been together that long.

I’ve had plenty of discussions around him being more affectionate, buying me a bunch of flowers ect and the excuses are- you let them die, I have no money, I would
If I could. don’t get my
Wrong he will tidy up the house, make dinner ect but then that’s for the house. Nothing seems to be for me... does that sound selfish? sad

QuiteLikely5 Fri 27-Apr-18 10:08:55

This situation sounds dreadful. It’s like you have two children not one.

You really need to ask what you are getting out of this relationship because from what you have said it isn’t much

This man also sounds like he is taking advantage of your generosity, he also seems greedy and selfish. Not attractive qualities at all.

I really hope that you did ringfence your deposit towards the house.

In your shoes I’d make plans to get away from him.

You deserve so much better

pog100 Fri 27-Apr-18 10:12:18

Of course it isn't selfish, he is the utterly selfish one, taking everything from the relationship and giving seemingly nothing, not even money. I would be VERY seriously thinking of ending it. If you make it abundantly clear that you mean it, maybe do some planning first, it might just be enough to wake him up, but I doubt it. This sort of behaviour is pretty engrained.

FostersHomeForImaginaryFriends Fri 27-Apr-18 10:13:42

What do you mean he didn't contribute? Isn't your money joint?

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 27-Apr-18 10:20:45

The cup is empty; you have given and given at much cost to yourself and he is all take, take, take and in it for his own self.

Venting is all very well and good but its not going to change anything unless you yourself want to change your life and that of your son's too.

I would now end this relationship with this selfish manchild who is also a very poor role model to his son also. Would you want your son to treat his partner like this?. No you would not so why has this seemingly been acceptable to date. Would you also describe yourself as a people pleaser?.

What do you get out of this relationship now, something has kept you with him till now so what is it?. Habit, the "fear" of being on your own, your son?. What needs of yours has he met here?. None from what I am reading. He sounds absolutely awful and you have actually written nothing positive about him.

butcherswife Fri 27-Apr-18 10:26:18

Hi OP, not selfish at all. My partner sounds quite similar to yours. Albeit we have no DC's and we are financially equal in terms of our mortgage and our business.

I do partly believe that he is the way he is because I have allowed this behavior on so many occasions. We are at a stage in our life where this is make or break.. literally this morning i have given him an ultimatum that things change or he is gone and that's the way it is basically. I imagine with your DS it's not just that easy for you but i guess it depends whether you believe he will change or not. It can be quite a sad existence sometimes.

flowers to you as i also have only been bought flowers once in 7 years shock

colditz Fri 27-Apr-18 10:27:16

WOuldn't life be much easier if he lived elsewhere and had to look after himself? he sounds like a spoilt 12 year old - my children do more to help me than your husband helps you

hellsbellsmelons Fri 27-Apr-18 10:29:23

Well you sound totally spent!
Literally!
Why do you keep doing all these things for him?
He's a grown up.
The sooner he learns he has to do it himself then the sooner he will.
It will take time but stop doing it all.
You are NOT his mother.

How is your sex life?
He's not affectionate on a day to day level so I'm wondering how this is?

Could you write him a letter to read?
Very similar to your OP?
Sit down together. Watch him read it and then discuss.
Tell him it's crunch time and once he's read that, if things don't change then you will be filing for divorce.
Might give him the kick he needs.
Probably not but worth a try???

Rubyritz Fri 27-Apr-18 10:36:28

No.. money has always been separate. I asked for joint bank accounts way back but he declined. Now he wants a joint bank account and I’ve said no.
All bills come out of my name and accounts he just transfers money over for the mortgage.

I had savings for a house since way back and he only saved a tiny amount. In fact I paid for the whole deposit he paid for solicitors and stamp duty so gives you an idea of the difference. Yet he was annoyed when I put down I equal shares. He disputed this so much so I had to put it 60:40. Although I wanted 70:30. envy

When we had our DS I paid for everything yet he worked full time, I furnished the whole house with my savings. I always feel like he wouldn’t be no where where he is now if it weren’t for me. His family have disagreed when I’ve mentioned something similar.

He does have good qualities the fact he always can make me laugh, he’s very patient with our son and isn’t violent or aggressive at all. He can be supportive but maybe that isn’t enough.

I do think I’ve stayed sometimes out of fear or the unknown, I have no support so once he’s gone and his families gone it is literally just me and my DS. I have a good job with clear career progression so financially I know I would be ok eventually. But I think I would have to sell the house as our mortgage is high and I could just about afford it if he left. I don’t want to sell the house as it’s my DS home and he’s just moved schools ect.

I don’t feel like my needs are met. He thinks he is affectionate and he is hellbent sure that I am the unaffectionate one. But I have to ask him to hold my hand if we’re out he wouldn’t automatically come to me. It pisses me off just writing it down.

wizzywig Fri 27-Apr-18 10:39:17

There's a thread going on about what was the last straw.

misscph1973 Fri 27-Apr-18 10:39:28

It sounds so familiar, Rubyritz. I know exactly what you mean when you say that you have allowed him to do this, I did the same. But also I'm pretty sure that it was just too hard for you to always have to ask your DP to step up, to be proactive, to do his share. There has to be a balance, you should not have to ask for everything. Then it becomes easier to do everything yourself. I expect you also wanted to avoid conflict for the sake of the relationship? I felt depleted, drained, spent, empty, like I had nothing left to give.

I am like you, I am a bit of a people pleaser, and I naturally do things and take charge. I had a very similar dynamic in my relationship. We separated in January, and it's gone much better than I thought, we are both so much happier and actually on really good terms. I have 2 DC aged 11 and 13, and they have taken it really well.

I don't know if you are ready to leave yet, but if not, you will be one day. You will get that "light bulb moment", that final straw, a clear feeling that this is it.

Rubyritz Fri 27-Apr-18 10:46:29

I worry that I will float through life and the next thing is I’ll be 40 and have not experienced life?

I’ve always had to take care of myself... rubbish upbringing and all that and I’ve had counselling to address it. It’s fair in saying that for once I would like someone to just take care of me. It is draining when you are the one being there for everyone, sorting everything out.

I am a people pleaser and also like to just make sure things get done so will just do them myself- because then there is no conflict no one to blame.

I often say to him if I disappeared or got ill how would you cope. Would you get our son a birthday card or presents- sounds rediculous but I always do those things. I often wonder if we were separate would
My DS notice that his dad never takes him anywhere or does anything special for him and would he then feel let down like I do sad sad thought sometimes.

Sex life is... meh. It happens but I’m not overly fussed. He is more bothered about the lack of but I explained few months ago I don’t know where he thinks I want to sleep
With someone who doesn’t make me feel special. I could get there anywhere. So he has been on this pledge to make me feel special. Yet I’ve been really ill and just feel like I’m barking orders to get stuff down because I am immobile currently.

holrosea Fri 27-Apr-18 10:47:17

FWIW OP, you sound very unhappy and being unhappy is justification enough to end a relationship. You don't mention if you're married so it might be worth checking out the link that was recently posted on relationships about the rights of cohabiting partners : rightsofwomen.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2014/10/PDF-guide-to-living-together-and-the-law.pdf

Also, "he is not aggressive or violent", while positives, are also very baseline requirements for a partner/father.

You are not being selfish to want affection or to want someone to meet you halfway. It is not unreasonable to expect a little give as well as take. I think the doubts you are expressing are very serious (little financial contribution, wheedling his way into your part of the assets, not helping very much around the house or with DS, not contributing much to DS school/clothes/days out) and that you need to think very seriously about if, even if difficult at first, you might be happier long term without him draining you emotionally and literally.

misscph1973 Fri 27-Apr-18 10:51:21

We are all afraid of change, Rubyritz, you just get to at point where you have had enough. You would be surprised at how much easier it is be on your own. I worried about finances, but I'm doing much better than I thought.

My STBXH also has many qualities. But we were not a couple anymore. Life is too short.

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 27-Apr-18 10:59:41

Think your rubbish upbringing also taught you how to people please as well as a sort of coping mechanism. Read up more about people pleasing and if you want to please someone please your own self. That would probably come across as very new to you.

[[ lonerwolf.com/people-pleasing]]/ is a good link and there are many others. psychcentral.com/lib/21-tips-to-stop-being-a-people-pleaser/

You lack confidence and this man is not helping you become more confident either, he is just dragging you down with him into his pit.

All you need ultimately are you and your DS; you two will be just fine together. Honestly you would be better off on your own than with this 12 stone deadweight around your neck.

Re your comment:-

"He does have good qualities the fact he always can make me laugh, he’s very patient with our son and isn’t violent or aggressive at all. He can be supportive but maybe that isn’t enough".

Comedic stuff on YouTube or the tv could also make you laugh.
Your relationship bar is so low here as to be almost non existent. He is NOT very patient with your boy and he is verbally critical towards your child re his toys. Your son hates playing with them precisely because he has a go at him. Some role model he is to your child, after all he is your most precious resource. Do you want to keep on teaching him that yes, this is how men behave towards their children?. Your son has no choice here; he has to follow your lead.

Deal properly with your people pleasing behaviours through therapy because this will keep coming back to bite you on the behind otherwise. This man is not a decent person to you nor a decent role model to his son.

Rubyritz Fri 27-Apr-18 11:18:55

His family say I’m pessimistic for protecting my assets if we were to split and stuff but I’ve always said I never want to be in a point in my life where I’m left with a child and no where to turn.

I’ve read those articles Attila- yeah very similar to myself. I always never speak up to his family even though I disagree with the thing they do especially to my DS. Out of the fear or being disliked or that. Not sure why i do that now as I never used to be that way. hmm

I often say let him tidy his room later he’s a child let him play. Very rarely will he go and sit on the floor with him or take him anywhere. I have to suggest or say can you take him to soft play today.

We’re meant to be having a date night tomorrow... but I will have to plan and pay. God I feel fed up. I said this morning to
Him about taking care of his things and stuff because he hasn’t got the money to fix them and his response was well why don’t you find a rich man... ha.

I give up. Where is my strength. Some days I feel like I can leave and want to and other days I feel like it’s my varying moods that make it feel worse or better than it is. During TOTM my moods fluctuate and we have good days and some bad. That’s when I often think... oh it’s me. Its because I feel bad today that I don’t want to be here.

Maybe a break would work?

Storm4star Fri 27-Apr-18 11:43:11

OP, you mentioned about the mortgage. If he went could you take in a lodger? That would help a fair bit. Maybe sit down and look at your expenses and see where you could economise?

A break would be a good idea I think, give you both some breathing room and if you do get back together you can be much clearer about your needs and what you expect from a partner.

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 27-Apr-18 11:45:31

Your man does not give a shit does he about anyone other than his own self and nor does his family of origin. Given how they are towards your son as well why are they seeing him at all?. They sound as crap as your partner is.

Cancel this date night; you'd be better off taking your son out for a pizza instead. It would be far more appreciated.

You are really now left with a child and this manchild who you are still shackled to by your own volition. Strength is still there within you otherwise you would not have posted anything about your life now with this man, you and your son certainly do deserve better. A break from this man for you would certainly work and it needs to be a permanent one.

misscph1973 Fri 27-Apr-18 13:13:26

AttilaTheMeerkat, your view on being a people pleaser is quite negative. Personally I think the opposite is far worse! I don't have a problem with being a people pleaser with anyone else but my STBXH, no one else in my family/friends takes so much yet gives so little. My friends/family reciprocate.

Rubyritz, the two of you are not a good match. You would be fine with someone who didn't instinctively take advantage of you. And no, you are NOT pessimistic, you are realistic. You should always ensure your financial independence, and that goes for men AND women. Being married does not mean that you should be dependent on each other and give up your personal financial freedom.

Put yourself first. You deserve better.

Dadaist Fri 27-Apr-18 14:48:08

Sorry but in my experience in these scenarios there are two sides to a story. OP I believe everything you’ve said - and all your feelings are absolutely legitimate. I just wonder whether you make each other feel special. You honestly sound as if, at home, you are a bit grumpy, bossy and unwilling to see things from another side. You also seem to set him up to fail, only to reinforce your negativity. So I am left doubting whether any small change he makes will be encouraged or appreciated. And now you want the moon on a stick (and you know you won’t get it?) is that it?
I’d honestly recommend marriage counselling - and search for progress, in small steps. And be honest with him! A break might help him see how serious this is. Your DP sounds inept and unmotivated - but then - I might be if nothing was ever going to be good enough for you anyway. You might both need to change? Just things to think on.

Rubyritz Fri 27-Apr-18 15:09:04

Dadaist- I am not sure where I’m my posts I talk about home life or that it comes across that I’m bossy and grumpy at home?

&& again please how have I set him up to fail? I’m sorry asking a partner to plan things, to do nice gestures and to hold my hand in public? Wow. Didn’t realise you could fail at those simple tasks.
If he does buy my something- I say thank you. I don’t disregard it or throw it away.

If he put some thought into something and planned childcare and did something special as a couple that would be a major turning point for us. However, when you are constantly doing that and you do not receive it back it does hurt.

Like I said I don’t want to reach 40 and to say oh my partner has never booked anything for me as a suprise!? hmm it’s a simple ask. It’s keeps romance and suprise so you don’t fall into th same old trap and grind of life

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 27-Apr-18 15:11:38

From reading this thread Ruby's partner has been all take, take and take some more. He has made no effort in this relationship whatsoever and has taken full advantage of Ruby's niceness and people pleasing behaviours. These people are not a good match at all.

misscph - people pleasing is a problem because the intense need to please and care for others is deeply rooted in either a fear of rejection and/or fear of failure. A fear of rejection is the underlying feeling that, “If I don’t do everything I can to make this person happy they might leave or stop caring for me.” Fear of rejection can come from early relationships in which love was conditional or in which you were rejected/abandoned by an important person in your life (parent left or was emotionally unavailable or inconsistently available). Fear of Failure is the underlying feeling that “If I make a mistake, I will disappoint people and/or be punished.” Fear of failure can arise from early experiences with severe punishment for even small mistakes. People who had highly critical parents may develop a people-pleasing pattern. Early experiences with harsh criticism or punishment can lead to significant anxiety upon attempting a task. Even though the parent or other important person in your life who doled out the criticism may no longer be in your life, anxiety is an emotion that can live on for a very long time. To deal with that anxiety, we do everything we can to get things right, finish the job, and make sure everybody is happy.

By always saying yes to requests for favours, people may begin to take advantage of your kindness by asking for more than is reasonable. Even worse, you may become the target of exploitive people because they will quickly see that you can’t say no and take as much as they can from you. Even people who are generally not exploitive may take advantage because they don’t realize that you are overtaxing yourself and have difficulty understanding where your boundaries are because you have set none. Either way, requests from other people will become overwhelming. We teach people how to treat us by the behavior we accept or reject from them. If someone takes advantage of you, it is only their fault once. After that it is your fault for not teaching them different. Teaching different means setting boundaries about what you can and cannot do, and what you will and will not accept. Once you have established this, sticking to it is important. The other challenge is that if everyone is used to you saying yes, they may feel disappointed or angry when you begin to say no. It is extremely important to ignore feelings of guilt. You deserve to take care of yourself, it is nothing to ever feel guilty about.

Dadaist Fri 27-Apr-18 15:58:01

Rubyritz - I’m not having a go at you - and I’d genuinely like to offer some support because you are obviously feeling neglected, downtrodden and taken for granted, and your DP is doing nothing that makes you feel better. But comments like ‘wow - didn’t think you could fail at those simple tasks’ show a contempt for him and irritation at me for suggesting you may have a role in all this. You want to improve things
BUT - you’ve had him make a ‘pledge’ to make you feel special!? Do you see what’s wrong with that? It’s all about YOU! You should both be discussing how you both can make each other feel special - reconnect - learn to trust each other better? You do everything because you don’t trust him. You anticipate his failure and take on all the tasks. In the mean time he has no idea of the weight of responsibility and misery he is heaping on you.
Your response to me is pretty grumpy and dismissive to be honest. It’s pretty obvious that you aren’t exactly a joy in his life either (barking at him to fetch things down, telling him to do things, writing lists) maybe stop telling him things - just stop!
You’ve lost your respect for him and you know it and I doubt that you hide it (eg the wheelchair exchange). And you must have some idea how awful it is to try and please someone who doesn’t respect you? I’m not sure that you are a people pleaser? To me you’ve come across as more of a martyr? And they always take in too much and expect special treatment as a consequence.
So I think you need to focus on equality - not him doing what you want. It might be rewarding for both of you? It doesn’t sound as though you are kind to one another - and your resentment is stopping that as much as his ineptitude. True?

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