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To expect him to do a load of other shit too?

(134 Posts)
HollyHunter18 Thu 26-Apr-18 08:37:25

I get up at 6 each morning with my baby and make sure I’m out of the shower so my dh can shower at 7 as he commutes. This week he has overslept a couple of times and I’ve been changing nappies last minute a couple of times and he hasn’t got in shower unril7:15 but generally I’ve always been punctual for him even when baby was under 3 months and my son is only 3.5 with suspected ASD. My husband commutes but literally does no housework or anything else to do with running the home except occasionally putting the bin out, occasionally unloading/ unloading dishwasher. I ask him to occasionally take a basket of laundry up/down the stairs. When he complained this morning that I wasn’t always up so he could get in shower I reminded him that he chose to oversleep and ( were in separate beds and not getting along) and that it isn’t my job to wake him. “ it’s not my job to do a whole lot of other shit” was his reply. And he doesn’t. When my son was about 3 months old he wrote and printed out a list of everything he wasn’t prepared to do and what he was “ laundry relating to the children only”. He never did my son’s laundry. He’s a loving father but I get nothing from him and input a meal on the table every night, do his laundry, do housework etc. I am a stay at home mum and he has a job with lots of responsibility and commutes but he seems to resent doing the smallest things and is ready to pull me up when I slip a couple of times. Unreasonable of me?

OrchidInTheSun Thu 26-Apr-18 08:39:35

He's a cock

category12 Thu 26-Apr-18 08:42:31

Dh sounds like he thinks he's your employer.

Mamabear1475 Thu 26-Apr-18 08:43:47

Who makes a list of things they are not prepared to do? What a knob. Make your own list and stick to it. He will soon do stuff when he comes home to a mess every night.

Smeddum Thu 26-Apr-18 08:45:36

When my son was about 3 months old he wrote and printed out a list of everything he wasn’t prepared to do and what he was “ laundry relating to the children only”.

What was your response to this ridiculous and disrespectful list?

input a meal on the table every night, do his laundry, do housework etc.

Then stop. This bullshit of “he works so I do everything else” is just that, bullshit.

DP works long hours, he’s often away for days at a time, sometimes there are weeks when he’s working 7 days 16 + hours a day.

He doesn’t use it as an excuse to treat me like a skivvy. He does housework (with me, I don’t sit on my arse) on his days off, we do what needs to be done with the children together, we share the load. Because he’s not a dick.

TatianaLarina Thu 26-Apr-18 08:46:16

I can see why you’re not getting along.

If you split he’d have to do his own domestic chores, he’d even have to do the children’s laundry when they’re with him.

TuTru Thu 26-Apr-18 08:47:19

Sounds like a douchebag. Do you need him?
What benefit to your life is he? Xx

MargaretCavendish Thu 26-Apr-18 08:47:45

When my son was about 3 months old he wrote and printed out a list of everything he wasn’t prepared to do and what he was “ laundry relating to the children only”.

Erm, what? This takes it from 'he's a bit shit' to 'he sounds crazy'. Of course you're not unreasonable. And he's not actually a loving father if he will do literally nothing towards the practical care of his children.

HollyHunter18 Thu 26-Apr-18 08:49:05

Smeddum are you a stay at home mum?

notapizzaeater Thu 26-Apr-18 08:49:24

Wow, he's a dick !

lifebegins50 Thu 26-Apr-18 08:50:13

Can you get back to work? He resents you being at home and longterm I think this will get worse.
You will need to get financial independence unless you are happy to live with someone who gives you orders.

Smeddum Thu 26-Apr-18 08:50:33

@HollyHunter18 yes I am. We have 3 children, and I do everything on the days he’s working long hours obviously. But if he’s not we share it equally.

Smeddum Thu 26-Apr-18 08:50:46

And by long I mean 12-16 hours

SleepingStandingUp Thu 26-Apr-18 08:52:17

Shame he didn't do the list before you got pregnant so you could have got pregnant by an actual grown up.

Do you change your son's nappy in the bathroom and that's why he can't use it if he sleeps over? I'm confused how that's your fault and that you always change his nappy at that time? Sorry, just asking clarity so I can add to the ways in which your DH is a dick.

HollyHunter18 Thu 26-Apr-18 08:52:17

He does get up in the morning with our son and give him breakfast sometimes and will unload dishwasher and possibly take bins out on the occasion he does that. He pays all the bills although I contribute each month. He takes my son to the park alone some weekends ( I always feel bad for not going along) if I am desperate for a rest.

KirstenRaymonde Thu 26-Apr-18 08:53:22

He’s a dick and he’s not being a partner. Why would he make a list of things he wouldn’t do, that’s mental! You say he’s a loving father but if he won’t do anything to care for the children or the house he’s really more of a Disney Dad. You’re both working during the day, him out of the house and you in. Housework and childcare should be shared at the weekend and in the morning and evening.

SleepingStandingUp Thu 26-Apr-18 08:53:35

The repeated use of "my" son says it all

OrchidInTheSun Thu 26-Apr-18 08:57:04

Why do you contribute financially if you're the cook, cleaner, nanny, laundry person and special needs negotiator?

You sound grateful for doing the grunt work

HollyHunter18 Thu 26-Apr-18 08:58:29

SleepingStanding NK it’s mt 4 month old daughters nappy I’m changing so I’m not ready to come to be with my son ( who can’t be left) to relieve my dh so he can shower.

SleepingStandingUp Thu 26-Apr-18 09:01:53

I'm a SAHM, I expect DH to share parental responsibility whilst he is home. At weekends he does more than I do. He tends to do his own washing but no one is prescious and we both do DS's. Weekends I always have the offer of time alone (DS is additional needs and DH recognises that's hard on me full time). We have a partnership.

You're partner seems to think he has hired help

Shoxfordian Thu 26-Apr-18 09:03:20

He wrote a list of things he's not prepared to do? Is this real?
What a dick. Suggest you reciprocate with your own list.

SleepingStandingUp Thu 26-Apr-18 09:07:05

I get you Holly. Honestly after the list there's no way I'd have been arpund long enough to make another and you're eldest having high needs names it worse. It's flipping hard emotionally and physically and your "partner" does tokenistic baby sitting.

Neolara Thu 26-Apr-18 09:08:59

How do you contribute financially if you are a sahm? And why? Surely the deal is that you are already making a massive financial contribution by saving the family the cost of childcare. (Not to mention the huge contribution you make in other ways that enable your DH to predominantly focus on his career without having to deal with day to day logistics of raising children).

EmmaJR1 Thu 26-Apr-18 09:10:02

Christ what does he bring to the party except money? He certainly doesn't respect you or your contribution to the household.

I'm a SAHM - 1 ds 11months and 1 dc on the way. My husband obviously earns all the money but still does his share. I do more at home because I'm here but very rarely is he sitting on his arse whilst I'm run ragged.

He is in charge of baby bath duty and gets up on weekends with ds so I can have a lay in if I want one. He cooks whilst I put ds to bed and he does all the diy and garden stuff too.

I think you need to question yourself. Is he meeting your needs? If not you need to start talking....

AttilaTheMeerkat Thu 26-Apr-18 09:15:31

How can he be described as a loving father at all; you to him sound like the hired help who seems utterly conditioned to carry all the mental load for him, the Big Man who gives you a list of what he is not prepared to do. Women in poor relationships often write such self serving denial when they can think of nothing positive to write about their man as well. He has no respect for you or these children whatsoever, you're all but bit part players in his universe.

Why are you also contributing financially; where is that money coming from?.

No wonder you do not get on and are sleeping in separate beds if this is his attitude. What do you get out of this relationship here, what is the payoff here for you?. Would you want your children to be in a relationship like yours is now?. No you would not so why is this seemingly ok for you still?.

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