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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

He cheated-hysterical bonding and does he think of ow

70 replies

mygirll0llyp0p · 25/04/2018 05:36

Recently found out DH has been having affair and not just once. We have been hysterical bonding but how does that help? I have read about it and understand it is an unfightable urge but is it not just a reward? If my son took sweets from a pick n mix, I wouldn't say bad boy then give him a bag of Haribo, so why is this bonding any different?
Can any man answer how they feel at this? Does it feel like reward or does it feel good? Is there any guilt?
He says he broke up with OW but does he still think of her? Can any men help with this? How long does he think of her after? Will he contact her again?

OP posts:

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AtomHeart · 25/04/2018 05:50

What is hysterical bonding?

category12 · 25/04/2018 06:11

In my experience, hysterical bonding works in that it keeps you together in the immediate aftermath. But you're in exactly the same position as you were, having to deal with the pain, only more confused. Can't help on your man's point of view questions.

mygirll0llyp0p · 25/04/2018 06:13

having sex with partner after finding out about affair. I want him-more than ever and we have been bonding a lot, but am I doing the right thing? It is a strong urge in me and it is raw passionate sex, but afterwards I wonder if he is thinking of her. It doesn't seem healthy and I wonder if I am doing the right thing. I can barely look at him but want to rip his clothes off. I have read it is natural and a form of reclaiming. It feels good and bad all at the same time

OP posts:

JoanOfNarc · 25/04/2018 06:17

Your husband is having and affair and all you an post about is how you want to rip his clothes off.

Really?

No one here is going to be able to tell you if he will contact her again. Get your shit together and leave the cheating twat.

category12 · 25/04/2018 06:25

Bit harsh . Hysterical bonding is a Thing and it's a really painful time for the op.

Op, as I say, it's not solving anything and muddies the waters. It ends and you're left with dealing with the smashed trust. I wish, in retrospect, that I had taken time away from him.

MoodyTwo · 25/04/2018 06:26

WSS^

Angelf1sh · 25/04/2018 06:47

My guess is you’re not doing the right thing and you’ll be left hating yourself after. Nobody in the world except your DH can tell you if your DH is thinking of the OW when you have sex and he won’t tell you if he is. You need to stop wondering that and work out how you actually feel about this man and this relationship. If you’re going to stay together then it needs to be more than just passionate territory-reclaiming sex and then not being able to look at him after. The OW must be irrelevant.

Imo though op, if there’s been more than one OW already, they won’t be the last.

category12 · 25/04/2018 06:50

Also, the cheat generally takes it as "all is forgiven" and then gets shirty that you're still(!) sad and angry.

fedupandnogin · 25/04/2018 06:55

@JoanofNarc yes it is a thing. Been there, done that. Awful time for OP. No advice really apart from what others have said already. Turns out my ExH hadn't finished his affair and I divorced him! Much happier now with a new man who has respect for me!

GertieMotherwell · 25/04/2018 07:14

Ignore those who haven’t been through this mygirll0llyp0p because they won’t understand 💐

I did, and it was followed by periods when I felt the opposite and we didn’t have sex at all. It’s now a normal health sexual relationship.

I can’t tell you how he feels but so long as it’s what you both want I don’t see the harm. It’s how he is with you in day to day life and how he copes when you decide you don’t want sex for ages that will show you and tell you more.

WinterSunglasses · 25/04/2018 07:22

Also been there, done that and I agree with Gertie. Be nice to yourself because it's a really weird time.

MMmomDD · 25/04/2018 07:39

OP - don’t know the answer to your questions and sorry this has happened.
There is a book that might help you find some answers - Esthel Perel - The State of Affairs

It talks about some of the motivations, aftermath, and getting through this time.
Good luck

SandyY2K · 25/04/2018 07:47

He's had more than one affair. Is he really a safe partner for you?

Is he remorseful or regretful that you know?

Did he confess of his own volition?

What reassurances has he given you about future fidelity.

Hysterical bonding works both ways. Men who've been cheated on also reclaim their wives or GFs in this way, so you could equally get your answer from a woman in your position...but that would be from her experience.

Many WSs do think about the AP (affair partner) during sex...but the BS also has mind movies of their own.

More than one affair is a habit and a choice.

Dozer · 25/04/2018 07:49

You are playing the “Pick Me Dance”. Read some Chump Lady.

GertieMotherwell · 25/04/2018 08:09

Hysterical Bonding doesn’t necessarily equate to the ‘pick me dance’ which is far more complex and not just about sex.

MiniTheMinx · 25/04/2018 08:15

I don't know. Is he as desperate to have sex with you as you are with him? Is he passionate? Is he very sorry for what he did?

I can imagine this is a very real thing. I can only imagine I'd be desperate to hold on to dp as I can't imagine life without him. I can't imagine ever falling out of love and have this deep urge to be close to him. But pride would intervene, he'd be mince meat. The urge to protect and preserve myself is stronger.

And after all this bonding.....one might feel more inclined to forgive. But the hurt is still there. Men are also more apt to treat you well, to consider your feelings, to put you first and to keep doing that when their need for intimacy (usually only met through sex, generalisation!) is met. But then men like to work for it, thinking you are higher value when you place a higher value on yourself. (Another generalisation) this of course is true of most people.

As for thinking about her, yes, probably. You can't read his mind, or police his thoughts. The human brain has this capacity to compare, to weigh up probabilities, to analyse. It's inbuilt. Be strange indeed if he never thought of her.

StarlightSparkle · 25/04/2018 08:44

When you say more than once, is that he was with the same woman more than once or multiple affairs?

I would say if you enjoy the HB just go with it as it probably won’t last long and it might help you to cope in the short term. It does feel paradoxical I know, to want to be with the person who had caused you such devastation but if you are both committed to reconciling it can help.

I found it tough when it all wore off as then I felt numb again and it was hard to cope without those intense feelings. Have you considered marriage counselling?

yetmorecrap · 25/04/2018 09:14

I was absolutely the opposite, didn’t want him even touching me

Adora10 · 25/04/2018 11:08

It's a normal reaction for some people, esp women but once the passion dies down you are still left with the fact that you are married to a cheating sneaky git who has done it before, he won't stop OP, it might be a while but he will be back to his usual tricks, this is who he is, he has no respect for marriage, commitment; he takes opportunities.

Up to you but I'd not be happy or satisfied with a man that was putting it about.

Aprilmightbemynewname · 25/04/2018 11:10

Did you get checked out first for sti?
Surely your self esteem will plummet even more soon?
Buy a vibrator and kick him to the kerb.

Adora10 · 25/04/2018 11:12

Yes you need an STI check asap.

I think you will end up feeling pretty hollow soon if you keep having sex. It's almost like you are rewarding him for not leaving you, sorry but it won't last.

mygirll0llyp0p · 25/04/2018 12:38

He didnt tell me the ow did. He is showing a lot of remorse but i dont know if it is false. They were together for 2 years but there was someone else before then for 6months
I dont know what to believe.

OP posts:

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Adora10 · 25/04/2018 12:53

Jesus OP, kick his cheating arse to the kerb, he sounds like a serial cheat, do you really want associated with that type of person, you deserve much more than this crap.

SoManyBirds · 25/04/2018 12:56

I have experienced this from the other side. It was the closest I've ever felt to my DH and I still think about our hysterical bonding fondly. I had a very short affair and it was prompted by my DH showing very little interest in me, leading me to believe he wouldn't care anyway. He did care though, very much, and I felt awful for hurting him. I can honestly say I never thought about the OM when having sex with my DH and the sex with my DH during hysterical bonding was miles better than any with the OM. It took us a long time to heal after but it is now 15 years later and we are much closer than we were before my affair.

Sorry you are going through this OP

mygirll0llyp0p · 25/04/2018 12:59

I want to protect my children. He should go but i am very much in love with him. I cant believe he would do this but want to think he can change

OP posts:

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